Despite the Angels (11 page)

“What did Kathleen tell you? I presume she must have phoned you?”

“Yes. She was very upset, the poor lamb. After you telling her you didn’t like her cooking and refusing to eat a perfectly good salad.”

“Is that why she says I left?”

“Yes. Seems ridiculous, the poor girl is only learning to cook. And you’re not that good yourself, that you can criticise. And it looks to me like you’ve been filling yourself with beer again with those pals of yours. That’s what got you into trouble, my boy, drinking too much and losing the run of yourself.”

“No, Mum, it was Kathleen that got me into trouble. Good and proper.” David had decided he had been in such trouble already there was no point in trying to limit the damage. So he explained, as tidily as he could, what had happened. His mother sat quiet for once and her eyes widened.

“So she wasn’t pregnant? Why did she want to say she was? All that fuss, getting a wedding organised in a mad hurry, for nothing? I wonder what her mother will make of it, when she hears. She had to make all those dresses in record time, three full sized and two flower girls, not to mention the veil. It would have been so much easier on all of us if we had had time to plan properly. I could have got a much better outfit.”

“You might not have needed an outfit at all, Mum.” His mother looked at him, her eyebrows questioning. “No,” David continued, “I wouldn’t have got married. I wasn’t thinking of it at all.”

“But you were in love with Kathleen!”

“No. I don’t know. I didn’t get time to think about it. I don’t love her today, that’s for sure. How could I love such a cheat?”

“You are married to her. You will have to learn to love her. You should not have got yourself into a position where you could have got her pregnant. That is bad enough, you can’t be all holy about it now. You did wrong.”

“So did Kathleen. She…” David’s eyes were beginning to prickle at the injustice of it. It was Kathleen who had unzipped his trousers, put her hand…He broke off the train of thought as his balls tingled and the blood that wasn’t already on its way to his cock flooded his face.

“Well, there’s two of you in it so. And a baby coming, who has done no wrong and needs his parents to mind him. So come on, Kathleen is in the car,”

“Mum!”

“and you’re both coming back to Howth with me now for lunch and a good walk.”

David sighed. He knew his mother’s good walks. They would be out for hours and eat like monsters when they got back and everything would seem that bit simpler.

“Is Kay able for it? She might have morning sickness, she’s only five weeks.” He picked up his jacket from the floor and shook it out, before following his mother down to the car.

It was a sultry afternoon in August and David was walking between his two jobs, trying to enjoy a few minutes of sunshine in the street before plunging into the gloom of the pub for the evening shift. By working every possible shift he could get both in the shop and the pub, he hoped he would be able to continue in College for his final year. The baby was due at the end of January, so there would be two terms to do after it arrived and it might be really tough to concentrate, but David reckoned it was worth it to try. ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ his Dad had said and he would surely get a better job if he had a degree. And I’ll need the money, he thought sadly, for baby stuff, instead of that camping trip the lads are going on. Eejit, Dave, you are one great eejit. Of course, Kathleen’s life was changed too, but she was happy about it, she’d dropped out of her General Studies course without any regrets.

“There’s graffiti over the loo paper in the College ‘Ladies’. It says ‘General Studies degrees, help yourself’,” she had said, “so why bother? What would I do next anyway?”

He stopped on the bridge over the canal and looked down at the murky water, for once reflecting blue sky and one fluffy little cloud. The blue sky is Kath and the murky water is me, he thought sourly. She’s all fluffy clouds and giggles now, now that her tummy is swelling and her baby is on its way. “What I’ve always wanted” she says, “my own baby - imagine!” Her own baby. Not ours. Hers. No interest in her husband since she got the positive test. Twice. Only twice in three months. The lads teasing me all the time about the sex life I’m having and does she have a sister. When I even get to see the lads. Oh, heck, it’s five to. Better get inside. He lifted his face to the sun and walked over to the pub.

David was polishing glasses and hanging them up, when he heard his name called, jauntily, from the door. He looked across and there was Kathleen, her beautiful curtain of hair shining in the sunlight. She let the door close behind her and came over to the bar. David leant over and kissed her.

“What brings you here?

“Great news!” Kathleen was grinning.

“We won the Sweep? Did we have a ticket?”

“Twins!”

“Where?” David was puzzled. Kathleen pointed at her stomach.

“Here! Isn’t it great? Two babies!” Kathleen leaned over the counter again, expecting another kiss. Davis felt weak. He looked across at this grinning girl and wondered what she had to do with him. Why he was married to her. Why he had even taken her out the second time. Lack of imagination I suppose, he thought. Or too busy studying for the honours degree to look for girls. Found one, or rather one found me and it was easier to keep her than think about it too much. A total eejit. He realised Kathleen was talking and tried to listen.

“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything? Aren’t you pleased?”

“Why would I be pleased?”

“Babies are lovely and now we’ll have two instead of one. Doubley lovely. A whole family. And they might be born a bit sooner, the doctor says.” She smiled at him again, her eyes crinkling. “Go on, say it!”

“Say what? That I’m happy to have been trapped and extra happy that I’m going to have double the expenses? How do I even know you’re not lying again?”

“You’re meant to say ‘congratulations!’ and give me a kiss,” said Kathleen and her lower lip trembled. “You’re spoiling it.”

“Well, you’re the expert at spoiling things, you should know. Now, you’d better go and let me get on. I need to keep this job.”

“You’re no fun. I’m going to go and phone Sandra and see if she’s happier for me.”

Of course she’ll be happy for you, David mused as he cleaned out the coffee percolator. Sandra doesn’t have to pay for the babies. Or look after them. Oh God, what am I going to do?

“The advice from here is to hang on in. It’s only for a few months. And you will love the babies – sorry about it being twins, not something we can always control, but you’ll love them both. Like I said, your Mum will help. Once you’re on your own, you can concentrate better on your studying and things should go fine. So, like you said, just get on with the job. One day at a time. Try to love Kathleen for the time you have her, it will be easier on you afterwards if you have been friends. She has beautiful hair.”

I wonder if the babies will get Kay’s lovely hair, or will they get mine? Nothing wrong with mine of course, but hers has a real gloss, just like a fresh conker. David’s thoughts went blank for a moment and then he smiled to himself as he realised he had thought of the babies, not just as trouble, but as two people.

“Well, just about. They will be. The souls for them are chosen, I think you’ll like them. You’ve worked with both of them before. Well done, keep concentrating on the positives. And on your job, looks like you have a customer.”

David let himself into the flat as quietly as he could and hung up his jacket. He sat down by the window and looked out at the dark sky. Two babies, he thought. My sons, or daughters, or one of each maybe. Mine. Maybe they’ll play football with me. Or tennis. They might like camping and when we have some money, maybe we can buy a dinghy and I’ll teach them to sail. If I haven’t forgotten how by then. No, Dave, no negatives. Try to think positively, like that mad drunk said this evening. Funny how someone half jarred can seem to make sense.

“Good, that, wasn’t it? Though I say so myself. He was drunk enough to have let down some defences and his guide and I managed to get through to him. He told you what I wanted you to hear. Drunks will say anything, if we’re lucky. Often they garble the whole thing, but he was a good one. You owe him a pint.” Jotin laughed.

“‘Just love her today’ he said, ‘and tomorrow love her tomorrow and if you don’t feel like it, pretend and maybe you’ll convince yourself’. So maybe I’ll try it. How did he know it would make sense to me?” David was muttering under his breath, but even so, Kathleen must have heard him, as she stuck her head out of the little bedroom.

“Sandra says you’re a callous bastard,” Kathleen said, “and don’t deserve a wife.”

“Probably,” David said and then bit his tongue to stop anything else coming out.

“And you stink of smoke. I can smell you from here.”

“Your sense of smell has improved then?” David got up and went over to her. He held her face gently between his hands and tried to remember why he had fallen for her. He kissed her on the nose and she smiled. She was pretty when she smiled. He hadn’t noticed earlier.

“She was smirking earlier. Not the same thing. Sorry, out of order. Carry on, bring her to bed and make love to her. I’m off.”

“You’re lovely. You smell good, unlike me and your hair is magnificent and you’re sexy and cute and your breasts have grown…”

“And they’re sore. You’re not touching them,” Kathleen paused. Her guide Haliken whispered to her. “But I do have other places that aren’t. Come on to bed. I suppose you’re sexy too.” 

Kathleen reluctantly turned away from the soft light.

“Why?” she said, to the listener. “Why must I go back? I’m meant to die from this infection, you told me I could try a sudden death. The babies are expecting me to go, aren’t they? Please let me stay with you, please!”

Haliken shook his head. “I can’t. We will have to wait.”

“Why can’t you? You have power, don’t you? You can change things?”

“I don’t have much power, almost none really. I didn’t arrange this illness, so I can’t make it worse. I’m only a guide, not an angel. But even angels couldn’t fix this one. It can’t be changed because time and science have moved on.  Because very few can come Home now for such a reason. The humans have been too clever for us, they can cure this illness now. When I saw your life plan I thought it would be fatal. I was wrong.  I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” said Kathleen.  “What good is sorry?  You tell me I have to go back, you don’t tell me what I’ll have to do when I get there, you put me in a situation where I’m not meant to be, without obvious help and you say ‘sorry’.”

“The help might not be obvious, but it will always be there.  Just keep your senses open.  I’ll try to find a way out, or a purpose, so you’ll get some value out of this life.  You go on back now and I’ll start working on it.”

Kathleen opened her eyes.  David was looking down at her, concern on his face. 

“Kathleen, how are you feeling?  Are you okay? I’ve been so worried.”

“I feel lonely,” said Kathleen.

“I’m here. You’re not alone.  And the twins are fine, the nurses have looked after them just as well as they looked after you,” said David, as he stroked Kathleen’s hand.

“I still feel lonely.  I don’t know why.  It’s like a dream that’s just gone. I want to go back. Oh God, I don’t remember!” Kathleen burst into tears.  David stood up and leant over to kiss her head, but Kathleen turned her face away and the tears rolled silently down her face.

“I’ll go and look at the babies,” said David.  “I’ll bring one of them back to say hello, if it’s allowed.”

“Don’t bother,” said Kathleen, “just leave me alone.  You got me into this.  Just go away.”

“What d’you mean, I got you into it?  You pretended to be pregnant so I’d marry you, and then never said in time that you weren’t, so we really got pregnant. We should have taken precautions. But no, you wanted a baby. You were thrilled when you got your test. ‘My baby’ you said and sent away for the Mothercare brochure.”

“Baby” said Kathleen “I only wanted a baby.  And super-stud gives me two.  Two the same, too.  I’d have to go through all that again to get a boy.”

“You were thrilled it was twins. And it’s not my fault. Twins aren’t in my family. But they’re beautiful and healthy. We don’t need a boy. You don’t have to have another if you don’t want. And this infection, it wouldn’t happen again, Dr. Dempster says it’s very rare these days to get one this bad.”

“Dead right it won’t happen again.  Because I’m not doing this again.  You can tie a knot in it.”  Kathleen turned on her side, away from David and pulled the sheet up over her head.

David walked down the corridor towards the baby unit.  He watched another young father walk with his wife towards the lifts. She was carrying their baby in a bundle of soft yellow wool and her face glowed as she looked down at it and then up at her husband.  They smiled at each other, that private, excluding the world smile that lovers share.  ‘Oh shit,’ thought David, ‘and Kathleen said she felt lonely.’  He went into the baby unit and over to the corner where his new family was.