Desired and Dominated (49 page)

“You know what, mom? Yes. I’m upset and I lashed out. I’ve just put the woman I love on a plane, and she’s never coming back. But, you know what, she taught me something – a lot of things actually.”

‘And what would that be?”

Her dismissive tone and snide sneer don’t deter me, today. If I keep anything else bottled up right now, I’m pretty sure I’ll have a heart attack, or a stroke. “I don’t blame you for what happened to me. I made a decision to protect you, because I love you. You hate me for loving you too much? That’s your issue, not mine. I’ve spent years being angry with you for ruining my chance at a career in music, but it wasn’t your fault. You were dealt a shitty hand in life, and you coped the only way you knew how. If I could go back, I would do it again. I would defend you, because no woman deserves to be treated that way. You’re my mom, and I love you. I always will. So if you want to stay angry at me for what you believe I did wrong, I can’t change that, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time hating you. I found a way to move past it and still be involved in music. I love what I do, and I’m really fucking good at it.”

“Nathaniel. I don’t…I never…” She doesn’t deal well with emotions. “You’re rambling like a crazy person in public, dear.” She fidgets with her purse, unable to have a real, honest moment with her own son. I shouldn’t have expected anything less.

“I need to get out of here, mom. I’m sorry you can’t see what’s right in front of you. But, I’m done feeling bad about it. Love me, don’t love me. Hate me, don’t hate me. I’m done. Goodbye.”

I walk away, and she doesn’t try to stop me. She doesn’t say a word, but as I make my way to my car, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve watched Sofia face her fears, and her demons, over the past nine months, but never once, have I faced my own. She’s the reason I was able to do that today. To say how I felt, and let it go, once and for all. I guess it should give me some small comfort, but it only highlights what I’ve lost. The one person in the world who truly understood me, and who loved me anyway.

I never thought that my life would take this turn. I thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I pictured the white picket fence, a ring on her finger, maybe even kids one day; things I never thought I wanted, until her; things I’ll never have without her.

I’ve heard the saying, ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough,’ so many times, in movies, in books, in life. But, I don’t know if I agree with that. After everything I went through with Sofia, I firmly believe that love is enough, but I also believe that life is full of twists and turns and curveballs, and sometimes when you love someone with every fiber of your being…you need to let them go and find what makes them happy, even if it makes you unhappy. I will always love Sofia; I will always be in love with her, and I’ll always do what’s best for her, even when it takes her away from me.

I guess the clichéd saying that I can relate to is, ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’ Loving Sofia Mantovani, and being loved by her, even for a short time, was worth the pain I feel, and will continue to feel at her loss. I hope that she finds happiness in her new life. That she finds love and passion and adventure. I only wish I could have been a part of it.

As I drive out of the airport, the smell of Sofia’s perfume lingering in the air around me, I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t go back to my apartment. Everything in it, reminds me of her, so I decide to just keep driving. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but wherever it takes me, I know that no matter where she is, and no matter how much time passes, my heart will always lie with her, my goddess…my Nyx.

It’s been a year since Sofia left for Florence, and nothing has been the same since I convinced her to take a chance and follow a new dream. I know I did the right thing for her, but I’ve regretted it every moment of every day since. I miss her more than words could express, and I’ve questioned my decision every night as I lie awake, alone in the silence of my empty apartment; my empty life.

We kept in touch for the first few months, emailing and texting, and the occasional phone call. She needed some guidance on the tough days; a stern voice to assure her that she was strong enough to adjust and learn to love her new life. It broke my heart to hear her doubting herself; telling me how much she missed me; how much she still loved me. But, as the weeks went by and she settled into a routine, our communication became less and less, until it stopped altogether. Not because we cared any less, but because the distance between us hadn’t altered our feelings for each other in the slightest. They were stronger than ever, and it made it almost unbearable to function so far apart.

I remember the day it happened, when we both came to the realization that we could never move on with our lives if we continued to rely on each other across the continents. I want her to be happy, and I was holding her back. I am her past, and she had to start focusing on her future, no matter how much it pained me. We were talking on the phone that night, and I could hear it in her voice, in the way she said goodbye; defeated and deflated, she knew that I had to let her go. That she had to let
me
go. To allow her to spread her wings and fly again. She lost so much of herself when she injured her ankle, and I know that I helped her find her way back. I forced her to fight for her life, to face her demons and let go of the past; to be happy again. But, I knew there was a void that I could never fill. I just hope beyond hope, that she’s found what she needed, what she craved.

I often hear Simon and Jess talking about how she’s doing, and the projects she’s working on. They try to minimize what they say in front of me, but she’s a huge part of their lives, and I told them a long time ago that I don’t want them to censor anything around me. I want to know about her, even if it throws me right back to the moment that she left; the moment that I sent her away. I hope that by now she’s moved on, because I know firsthand how devastating it can be when you can’t. I haven’t, and I feel like a little piece of me dies, with every day that passes. As my life twists and turns in the opposite direction to hers, I spiral further and further out of control. I don’t want that for her.

From the little I know, she seems to be getting closer to Luca. It’s good for her to have someone that obviously loves and understands her, but I can’t say that it makes me happy. It devastates me. I can’t imagine her ever being with someone else, and having what we shared. It was so profound; I have to believe that our type of love only comes along once. That maybe she can find happiness with him, but that some small part of her, will always belong to me. That she will always keep a little piece of me in her heart.

Simon and Brandon have been on at me since the moment she left, to give up the studio space I rented for her in Brandon’s building, but I just can’t. I’m not ready to let it go. If I do, it’s like I’m letting go of her. They finally convinced me last week to at least sublet the space, so I’ve hired a realtor to find someone, but I don’t want to think about it being used for something and someone other than Sofia. When I first saw it, I felt like it was meant for her, for our future together. It just goes to show how life can throw you for a loop. Maybe at some point, I’ll be able to let it go completely, but for now, subletting is the best solution.

I actually went ahead with buying one of the new apartments I’d looked at for Sofia and I. I couldn’t stay in my apartment. Everywhere I turned, I saw her. Everything reminded me of her. It was too hard, so within a month, I boxed up my life, and moved to my new place. I like it, but it’s always felt like it’s missing something. It’s missing her. Even though she never saw it, I know she would have loved it. I guess in time, I’ll make it my own, I’ll find a way to fill the empty space. Someday, it will feel like my home. I’m just not there yet.

Marco has been a good friend over these last few months, which came as a surprise. I never thought I would confide in him again after what happened, but in a strange way, he’s the only person that understands even a fraction of what I’m going through. He loved her once, and I think on some level, he still does. She’s not an easy girl to get over.

He’s been trying to get me back to Andromeda, and to the lifestyle. They never replaced me, so they’ve been lacking a Master to demonstrate, and to train new submissives. It seems strange to me now, that training subs used to be my life. I was happy back then, at least I thought I was. It’s easy to believe you’re happy, when you don’t have any concept of how much better your life could be, but once you cross that line, there’s no going back. You can’t
unknow
.

I need to get a grip and start making changes in my life, to start moving on, and tonight I’m taking the first step. I’ve debated it with Marco for weeks, and now it’s time. Time to start training again.

I’ve got a busy day to keep my mind off of how difficult this is going to be. I’m meeting with Campbell and the guys to discuss their upcoming world tour. They really hit it big with their last record, going triple platinum. Their success is stratospheric, and through it all, they have remained humble and hardworking.

I won’t be going on this tour, due to another big decision in my life. I’ve hired a new manager to take over the bands, and I am branching out into producing. I’ve opened up a recording studio on the Upper West side, with the best equipment money can buy, and some great people to work alongside me. Flaming Embers will be cutting their next record in there after the tour, and I have a new band lined up to start laying tracks for their debut album next week. Seeing Sofia find a new dream, pushed me to reexamine my own life. I love what I do, but I wanted more; I wanted to
create
music again, and this new venture lets me do that. It’s a major step for me, and I’m really excited about it.

After my meeting with the guys, I’ll swing by the studio for a couple of hours before I head to the club. I’m going to meet a potential submissive to train. I told Marco that I would only agree to it if he ensures that none of the girls he brings me, look anything like Sofia. It was always a rule of mine, but it’s even more imperative to enforce it now. It would be a betrayal of what we had. Marco thinks this girl will be a good first step back into the scene. I can only stay for a few hours to meet her, and possibly run through the basics of hard and soft limits.

Later on, I need to go over to Brandon and Lily’s place. I’ve been summoned, along with Simon and Jess; apparently they have some big news they want to discuss with us. I don’t really want to spend my evening with two happy couples, especially after going to meet a new sub. Seeing all of them, and what I could have had, will be a tough blow, on an already rough day.

I head out the door with a weight on my chest, and an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just need to push through it, and come out the other side. It
will
get better eventually.

As I step inside the doors of Andromeda, everything is just as I left it. Jacob stands guard at the entrance, making sure that only members are granted access. He greets me with a smile and a nod. “It’s good to see you back, Master Callaghan. Place hasn’t been the same without you.”

“Thanks, Jacob. It’s good to be back.” If I say it enough, maybe I’ll start to believe it.

The main hall hasn’t changed in the year I’ve been gone. I see the same faces; their surprise evident as I make my way through the crowd. The familiar smell of leather that permeates the space, is strangely comforting. Maybe I can learn to be this person again. To be happy with what I know, what I’m good at. I am the best Master Dominant in New York. There is no one that can train new submissives better than me. It’s who I am, and I need to find a way to be content with that.