Denial (41 page)

“Exactly.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I’m too logical. And I was pretty much, I don’t know how to explain it. Numb most of the time I guess, until I got into college.”

“Me too.” The smiles we exchange aren’t as happy as usual. “Only it’s just recently started to wear off.”

“I don’t really like to talk about it.”

“Me neither.”

“And I’ve been making up for lost time by feeling a whole lot lately, so it’s not really an issue anymore.”

“Yeah, me too.”

We lean in for a kiss and both must realize that it’s going to get very hot in here fast and tear ourselves off one another to go back to chopping. “I never thanked you for last night. For being there while I lost it.”

“It’s fine.” Based on the way his breaths got a little faster and shallower, it wasn’t. “Okay, it freaked me out a little. And I’m sorry about the Xanax.”

“It was probably a good idea. Obviously, it was. That’s never happened to me before.”

Tensing up, he gets that look on his face that he gets when he wants to say something. I wait patiently until it falls out of his mouth. “That’s happened to me before. And that’s what they did to calm me down.”

“Was it some kind of panic attack?”

“It would probably be officially classified as such, but I get those too and they aren’t the same. Not as… heartbroken, I guess.”

I shudder at the memory. “Is that why you take those pills?”

“Yes.”

This seems like a rare opportunity of openness on his part, so I push a little further. “How old were you when you started taking them?”

“Thirteen,” he replies quietly.

“Do you think you’ll ever stop taking them?”

“I’d like to. I kno
w it’s not good for me and I don’t like the idea of being addicted to something. But I know I won’t be able to keep it together without them, so I’m kind of stuck managing the problem for now.”

“Stuck. You use that word a lot.”

“It’s accurate.”

“And you don’t really want to expound upon it right now, do you?”

“No, I don’t. In fact, I don’t want to think about that shit at all until I have to.”

That’s my cue to shut the hell up. “I know what that’s like. I’ll stop.”

“Don’t feel guilty about it, Maya. There’s a bunch of questions I’d like to ask you too about things I know you don’t want to talk about.”

“Like what?”

“Things about you and him, obviously. But really, I’d like to know how you got so jaded that you started putting up with his shit in the first place.” Now it’s my turn to stiffen up as my hands get just a little shaky. “But we could spend our time together crying about our problems or we could spend it having a good time cuddling and fucking to forget about them.”

“I’d rather do that.”

He whips around smiling, but there’s a look of horror on his face when he catches me approaching a tomato with a peeler. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Peeling a tomato.”

“What do you think this pot of water is boiling for?”

“Noodles.”

“Maya, you are a lot better at following directions in bed, you know that? Drop the tomato.”

3
2

“That controlling aspect of your personality isn’t just reserved for sex and bickering, do
you
know that? Because I see it a lot in the kitchen too.”

My skin tingles all over when his hands grip my waist as his lips tickle my neck. “Yeah, I thought that went without saying, I guess. Actually, this is probably where I’m at my worst.”

“I’ll deal with it.”

“Yes, you will.” He holds me tighter, pressing his erection into the small of my back and breathing heavily on my neck as his hand slides into my pants. Here we go again, and even though I’ve been having sex all day, I’m ready for more. My groans mingle with his cocky laughter loudly as my lips swell around his fingers as they flick my clit.

“I thought we were distracting ourselves.”

“Just a minor detour,” Nibbling my earlobe, he pulls me against him tighter. He’s so hard it almost hurts my ass.

“Isaac…”

“That is not going to help, Maya,” he breathes.

“You’re going to contaminate the sauce with pussy.”

“Who fucking cares? You just finished licking it off my cock, and I’ve been licking it off of you all day.”

He keeps teasing me. All of the sudden I become very uncomfortable, flashing on the way it’s been for the last few days and why. Somehow I know he’s not going to finish. “Stop it.” My unconvincing words are laced with arousal and trepidation.

“Maya…”

“If you’re not going to finish, just stop now.”

He snickers. “You don’t get to make that call.”

“Yes, I fucking do. Stop it. Red.”

His body tenses up against me and I feel his arousal soften. “I’m sorry.” Turning me around, he inspects my face.

“I’m really scared of him.” The confession pops out of my mouth automatically. I’ve been trying to avoid talking about Luke all day because it’s so upsetting to Isaac. “I know we’re not supposed to deal with it for a couple more weeks, but—”

“No,
Rookie, that one we have to deal with beforehand. And I’ll try harder to keep the jealous lover shit to myself because I need you to talk to me.”

“What’s he going to do to me?” The floodgates open and I sink into his chest.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“No, I’m—” He stops himself before he lies. “I don’t know what he’s going to do. But I have seen girls get away before and you can too. We just need a plan, and I’m coming up with something.”

“Like what?”

“It’s a work in progress and I don’t want you to think about it right now because it might make this worse,” he says. I whimper into his chest. He holds me tighter for a minute, before pulling back and placing both of his hands on the side of my head, looking me straight in the eyes. “You are going to be okay. I will not let him hurt you. I fucking promise, Maya. I swear on my life.”

I don’t know if he really means it, or if I just want to believe it, but his words and expression make me feel so much better. He kisses me, long and slow, his thumbs softly grazing my cheekbones. It might be an illusion, but I feel safe here. Because I’m with him.
My ears focus on the rapidly bubbling water behind me. The panic has subsided, but it still feels like it’s lurking in the background. “I need a distraction.”

“Um, okay…” Isaac looks confused.

“Show me how we’re going to use this pot of boiling water to peel the tomatoes.”

“Oh. Yeah, that would make sense.”
Giving me a halfhearted smile, he reluctantly steps away from me to grab a tomato and a slotted spoon. When he comes back, he stands directly behind me and kisses the crown of my head. “When you carefully drop the tomato into this rapidly boiling water,” he starts, his arms working around me to demonstrate his words. “The heat loosens up the skin and it comes off easily with your fingers.”

“Oh. That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah it is.” His chin is resting on my shoulder as he skillfully scoops the bobbing tomato from the water and holds in front of my eyes. “See how the skin is cracked?”

“Yes.” I lean back into his chest. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. “Those pills you take. Do you think it will take the edge off? Make me less anxious?”

“That is what they do.”

“Look I’m very anti-drug, but… I don’t want to go back there again.”

“Okay. I’ll give you a baby dose, if that’s what you want.”

“I do.”

“After dinner. Do you want to try a tomato?”

“Sure.”

“Be careful.” He takes my shaky hand into his and guides it closer to the water. “Don’t let it splash. I wouldn’t want you to burn that beautiful face of yours.”

******************

Unsurprisingly, the sauce turns out to be amazing, plus we made a giant batch so we’ll have something quick to eat on nights when we aren’t looking for such a lengthy distraction. Isaac did his best to be talkative at dinner, but something is obviously bothering him and he keeps looking at me like I’m made of glass and ready to break. He might be right.

I was unwilling to bring it up while we were eating or cooking because I feel like it will turn into an argument, but I just can’t wait anymore. “I still want my phone back.”

Isaac runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath. “Maya, that’s not a good idea.”

“You’ll have to do better than that. Why won’t you give it back?”

“Fuck. This is going to set you off.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to go get you that Xanax first. Or you need to have a drink. Pick one.”

“I want what you gave me last night.”
I think
. I know I don’t want to feel like this.

“I’ll be right back.”

And he is in a heartbeat, shuffling into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He places one pill in front of me and four in front of himself. It’s like a silent confession, the first time I’ll actually see him take anything. I appreciate the honesty. Crunching one of them loudly between his teeth, he pushes the glass of water towards me and waits. I feel like a drug addict and I know I’m sitting next to one. It’s a complication I’d rather not think about, but this fear gnawing at me is worse.

“It’s not much different than getting fucked up on booze. Plus you’ll have a clearer head. And no empty calories.”

“I guess,” I mumble indecisively. “Shouldn’t I see a doctor or something first?”

“He’ll ask you questions for five minutes without making eye contact, then he’ll write you a script for whatever the fuck you want. Trust me. I’ve seen dealers more interested in my mental health.”

“Is that where you got these?”

“No. I have prescriptions for enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant. I’m a legitimate drug addict, Maya, if it makes you feel any better.” As a show of nonjudgmental solidarity and my own desperation, I
grab the pill, keeping my eyes locked with his. “Let it dissolve under your tongue.”
Yuck.
“You really don’t take anything, do you?”

“No. Why do you ask?”

“I assumed you were lying about the Adderall.”

“Everybody does. I don’t get it.”

“You’re an extremely thin, highly productive student. Of course they do.”

“Have you tried getting off this shit?”

“Yes, several times unsuccessfully. But I’ve tapered off significantly.”

“Until you came here, right?”

“Not exactly. I started having a hard time after that incident with Holly.” For a second, I have to search my memory for the name until I remember that she was Luke’s sub, the one Isaac had to cut and freaked out on. The momentary look of confusion on my face must please him because he smiles slightly.

“Did you ever fuck
Christina?” Where the hell did that come from? That pill must be working. His eyes widen and my stomach drops.

“No. I have not. Would it bother you if I had?”
he asks. I nod, my eyes glued to the table. “More than the others?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I’m not really sure. Maybe because I can put a face on the name, a face that’s a much prettier version of my own.” What the fuck? Is this truth serum?

“No, it isn’t.” Isaac is looking at me, I can feel it. I’m doing the catatonic girlfriend thing that I was doing the first night I met him. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then. “Are you alright?” he asks quietly. I don’t answer. “Maybe I gave you too much.”

“No, I’m fine.” That doesn’t convince him at all. “I’m just a little confused.”

“Like, confused about your feelings or experiencing a drug related side effect where it’s difficult to think clearly?”

“I’m thinking clearly, don’t worry. And I’m not feeling afraid anymore. Well, I am, but it’s weird, like it’s off in the distance.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling.”

“How did you take four of those?”

“I have a ridiculously high tolerance.”

“So I think I’m mellow enough now. Why won’t you give me my phone back?”

Somehow he still seems on edge. “I want to give it back to you. Honestly, the whole taking the phone away thing really bothers me. It’s so hostage-y.”

“Hostage-y?” I giggle.

“Very.”

“So give it back.”

“I will. But you cannot use it. At all. No matter what.”

I sigh. “Well that sort of defeats the purpose, but fine.”

“Fine? That’s it?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Don’t you want to know why?”

“Yeah, that’s what I meant to say.”