Denial (14 page)

I look down, expecting to see my naked body, but I’m wrapped in a sheet. Isaac must have put it around my shoulders and I didn’t even notice. He’s slouched on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. His pants aren’t even off. I want to
explain that this isn’t his fault. It’s mine, for coming here. I can’t get this collar off fast enough. It flies through the air and slams against the wall, bouncing back and lands a few inches in front of Isaac’s feet. His spine straightens and he turns around to look at me.

“I’ll give you some space.”

“Don’t go,” I whimper. I didn’t realize I was still crying. His head cocks to the side in confusion.

“It’s okay. I can handle it. I know you don’t want to look at me right now.”

“But I do.” He’s eyeing me skeptically. “Please don’t leave me alone,” I peep.

I flop over onto my side, curling into a ball. Cautiously, Isaac lies down facing me, but as far away as he can be while still being on the bed. “Are you alright?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you throw your collar?”

“Because I’m angry at my boyfriend, I guess. Angrier than I thought I was.”

“Is it because he left you here with me?”

“No. Stuff from before.”

“Are you sure I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“Yes. It wasn’t you, I swear.”

He relaxes a little, his lips curling upwards slightly. “I’ll stay here with you until you feel better.” We stare at each other for a few seconds. My lips stop trembling. “It’s getting late, but I can still take you home if you want,” he says, eyes falling, a disappointed version of the shy expression crossing his face. I shake my head no. He moves to touch me, but stops himself. “I skipped some of my usual questions and I’m starting to regret it. Do you mind if I ask you a few more things?”

“In a second.”

“Okay.”

I need physical contact, but I’m afraid to ask. Unfurling a bit, I scoot towards him until I’m next to his body and curl back into a little ball. I know he probably thinks I’m an idiot, unstable, or both, but I don’t care. Isaac stiffens until I peck his breastbone, then his body molds itself around mine.

“I’m sorry, Maya.” His arm is on my waist and I lift my head so that he can thread the other beneath my neck.

“It’s not your fault.”

“If you say so.”

I nuzzle into his chest. “You’re right. I can’t do this.”

“I…” He kisses the top of my head and holds me closer. “What were you hoping to get out of it? Just you. Aside from being more like what he wants you to be.”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.” He shifts lower so that we’re face to face. He is so much more beautiful than the image I was conjuring.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” I admit as his lips press into my forehead.

“What do you like about being submissive in bed, in general?”

I blush. He pecks my nose and smiles at me. I’ve had to explain this to Piper before, so I sort of know what to say. “It makes me feel… relaxed. My brain is constantly spinning all the time because I’m so busy. It’s nice to just let go. Let someone else make the decisions for once. I feel refreshed afterwards.”

“Go on.”

I swallow. “I don’t understand why, but it’s easier to feel pleasure that way. And I like feeling… wanted. Desired. Cared about. But it stopped feeling like that a couple of months ago.”

“Keep talking to me. What did it start to feel like?”

“Like I was being used. Like I was a thing, not a person. I guess that’s supposed to be a big turn on for people who like this, but it’s not. All of the sudden it didn’t feel like letting go anymore. I’m always anxious that I can’t please him again. And I don’t like him making my decisions when we’re not in bed.”

“That is normal. Most people who do this don’t live it.”

“He says it will make me happy. That it’s what I really want because it turns me on. That I’m in denial. That if I listen to him when I’m at home, I’ll have more energy to focus at school, eventually at work. But it’s just more pressure. He says that’s my fault. If I stop resisting it will just fall into place. That it’s my nature.”

“It’s not.”

“I know.”

“So why are you here?”

“Because he will leave if I don’t try.” I refuse to start crying again. “He says he won’t, but he will.”

Isaac holds me even closer. “Why do you let him share you?”

“He cheats on me all the time, and I know that’s just a fact of life, but—”

“What? Did he fucking tell you that?” Isaac’s anger flares so quickly it surprises me.

“No. He expected me to leave when I found out, but I didn’t because I knew all along. And once he knew I was going to stay, he started loving me more, and talking about the future like there was going to be one. At least we’re honest about it. He’s pretty great otherwise. What’s the point of leaving? If it’s not him cheating on me it will just be somebody else.”

Isaac’s face is astounded. “Where the hell are you getting this from?”

I flash on my mother, sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for her boyfriend Rick, well, more like the guy we were living with at the time, to come home. She looks calm. The only reason she wants to see him is because it’s payday and we’re late on the rent. He blew his last paycheck at the casino. Laurel knows what’s going on, but I don’t really get it. She’s around twelve, looking very nervous as she bounces our baby brother on her hip. She asks Mom if she thinks Rick is going to leave us for Angela. Mom doesn’t think so because she has too many kids, but she’s worried he might for Rebecca because she’s so much younger and her family has money. Luckily she can do better.

Laurel says her friend’s dads don’t do this and Mom rattles off names of the women they’re all sleeping with. The cheating isn’t the problem, it’s the gambling. Don’t marry a man who is bad with money, that’s why this is temporary until she finds someone better. It makes sense to me, but I really like Rick. He’s nice. Laurel says she’s not going to get married unless the guy only wants her
. Mom tells her that means she won’t be getting married at all. She regrets leaving our dad. He was a better man. We would have had a better life if she had stayed, the life he has with his new wife. This is just how men are. Don’t be stupid like she was and throw away a good provider just because he sleeps around. I don’t really understand what she means because I don’t know what sex is yet. But whenever she talks like this, my belly starts to hurt.

“Maya?” he says, nudging me. I snap out of it.

“That’s just the way men are.” My voice is flat. Isaac’s face looks hurt. I should have phrased that better. “What?”

“Nothing.”
Bullshit.
I rest my hand on his shoulder. “You just said it so seriously, like you know for sure.”

“Maybe I do.”

“Well that’s fucking depressing.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“I meant for me,” he explains. I wait patiently until he speaks again. “I don’t know, I always hoped… maybe, in a few years, when I might be able to get away from this shit… that’s not the kind of person I want to be.”

“So don’t be.”

“You make it sound like a biological imperative. Like there isn’t a choice. It’s not a unique philosophy toward male sexuality, I suppose.”

“Why does my opinion matter to you,” I say, trying to mask my defensiveness.

“Well… if you could do better, you probably would. Is it the money?”

If he hadn’t said it so meekly I might be offended. “It’s not just that, but I think it might be a motivating factor, yes,” I admit. “If I was
positive
that I could be happier with someone else, maybe then… but what happens when I’m forty five, overworked and underpaid, and then I find out he’s cheating on me anyway? That the happiness was a big lie the whole time?”

“So you’d rather have a more tangible happiness?”

“Something like that.”

“You deserve better, Maya.”

“Well, that doesn’t really matter because that’s not how life works,” I whisper. He wants to say something and even though I wait for a while, he doesn’t. “Have you ever been able to be faithful?”

He looks down. “This isn’t about me.”

“In other words, no.”

“I’ve never had anyone to be faithful to.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve never had a girlfriend or anything. I got into this very young.”

“What about a submissive?”

“Well, there is this one woman. But she wasn’t my girlfriend in any sense of the word, and we were never exclusive.”

“Are you still with her?”

“She is still a part of my life.”

Why does that bother me so much? “Do you love her?”

“I used to think so, but no. I’m attached to her, but not like that.”

“Does she wear your collar?”

“No. She used to wear my father’s.”

“What?”

“I can’t believe I just told you that. That’s how I met her. He was sick of her, I was young and hot. So he sort of, I don’t know…” He looks so vulnerable. “She wanted me. And life got better after I was with her. It’s kind of fucked up.”

“How did you get involved with all of this?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Can’t or don’t want to?”

“Both,” he whispers. “You never really answered my question. Why do you let him share you if you don’t want to?”

“Because if he’s going to fuck around, so am I.”

“Then why don’t you just have an affair?”

I laugh. “I cheated on him once for real. He doesn’t know. The guy was awful in bed, totally not worth the risk. That’s the way it usually goes. Piper has good luck with casual sex. I never do. Plus I’m too busy to find it.”
Not so busy that I haven’t hooked up with an old fuck buddy every once in a while because I knew it wasn’t going to be awful, but I’m not telling you that. Stop waiting for me to keep talking. Fine.
“When you sleep with someone you work with, or go to school with, they treat you differently afterwards. And who knows how it would affect my career down the road. So it would have to be someone that I meet outside of that. Right now I basically don’t have a life outside of that.”

“It sounds like you’ve only slept with assholes.”

“I’m sure they’re not, but I don’t want to risk finding out by looking around. At least the guys Luke picks… they’re like he is. Good in bed.”

“Did you
really like that?”

“I did the first time. But not the second, so then I wouldn’t do it again.”

“Did he get mad at you?”

“Sort of.” Isaac
eyes me with the serious, professional face he used during the interrogation. “Yes. He was pretty pissed off.”

“How long ago was this?”

“Six weeks.”
4 days, 2 hours and some change
. We stare at each other for a long time. This is over. One of us should get up, but it’s not going to be me. I just like him too much, and not because he’s crazy hot and can do astonishing things with his tongue. “You never told me why were you so apprehensive to do this when you met me.” I say, breaking the silence. I at least want to know that before I leave.

He flips on his back, covering his face for a moment. “Because you’re very new to this, and I worry that you aren’t doing it for you. The others… I knew for sure that there is a part of them that wants to take it further. Lots of times it is for a guy, but it’s for them too. All of them were into this before they were in their current relationship.” He grabs the hand that I’ve been stroking his chest with and toys with my fingers. “But if you really want to know, it’s
Luke. I don’t like him. I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that we have very different tastes. And motivations.”

“So why did you agree to even meet me?”

“It’s ironic, but basically the same reasons. And because of what Luke wants you to do. I cringed at the idea of a newbie doing some of that with basically any other trainer that I know, and especially the guy they were going to ask if I refused.”

It’s scary to think of doing this with someone else now that I’m with Isaac. I highly doubt his professional counterparts are this patient and sweet.

“My fucking father knows me too well,” he continues. “He still asked even though I said I was done with Luke. I had no idea that you were in love with him. I thought you were just another girl after his money. He left that part out. Because novice or not, I would have refused.”

“Why?”

“Look, I don’t know anything about it, but it seems like love would be a powerful motivator. It’s a factor that isn’t usually in the equation, not really, even if they think it is. Now there’s going to be this extra element when you make decisions about whether or not you’re willing to do something, whether or not you truly enjoy something, or even can tolerate it. I don’t like the idea at all. I don’t have any experience with this. I’m out of my element.”

“At least I’m not the only one,” I chuckle.

“Again, ironically, this has completely backfired. If you had met up with someone else, you would have been heading for the hills right now. Or not. Maybe you’d be in a better headspace because it would have been formal right from the beginning. I’ve completely fucked this up.”