Delphi Complete Works of George Eliot (Illustrated) (39 page)

Arthur was too much preoccupied with the part he was playing himself to be thoroughly aware of the expression in Adam’s face. He did not look directly at Adam, but glanced carelessly round at the trees and then lifted up one foot to look at the sole of his boot. He cared to say no more — he had thrown quite dust enough into honest Adam’s eyes — and as he spoke the last words, he walked on.

“Stop a bit, sir,” said Adam, in a hard peremptory voice, without turning round. “I’ve got a word to say to you.”

Arthur paused in surprise. Susceptible persons are more affected by a change of tone than by unexpected words, and Arthur had the susceptibility of a nature at once affectionate and vain. He was still more surprised when he saw that Adam had not moved, but stood with his back to him, as if summoning him to return. What did he mean? He was going to make a serious business of this affair. Arthur felt his temper rising. A patronising disposition always has its meaner side, and in the confusion of his irritation and alarm there entered the feeling that a man to whom he had shown so much favour as to Adam was not in a position to criticize his conduct. And yet he was dominated, as one who feels himself in the wrong always is, by the man whose good opinion he cares for. In spite of pride and temper, there was as much deprecation as anger in his voice when he said, “What do you mean, Adam?”

“I mean, sir” — answered Adam, in the same harsh voice, still without turning round — “I mean, sir, that you don’t deceive me by your light words. This is not the first time you’ve met Hetty Sorrel in this grove, and this is not the first time you’ve kissed her.”

Arthur felt a startled uncertainty how far Adam was speaking from knowledge, and how far from mere inference. And this uncertainty, which prevented him from contriving a prudent answer, heightened his irritation. He said, in a high sharp tone, “Well, sir, what then?”

“Why, then, instead of acting like th’ upright, honourable man we’ve all believed you to be, you’ve been acting the part of a selfish light-minded scoundrel. You know as well as I do what it’s to lead to when a gentleman like you kisses and makes love to a young woman like Hetty, and gives her presents as she’s frightened for other folks to see. And I say it again, you’re acting the part of a selfish light-minded scoundrel though it cuts me to th’ heart to say so, and I’d rather ha’ lost my right hand.”

“Let me tell you, Adam,” said Arthur, bridling his growing anger and trying to recur to his careless tone, “you’re not only devilishly impertinent, but you’re talking nonsense. Every pretty girl is not such a fool as you, to suppose that when a gentleman admires her beauty and pays her a little attention, he must mean something particular. Every man likes to flirt with a pretty girl, and every pretty girl likes to be flirted with. The wider the distance between them, the less harm there is, for then she’s not likely to deceive herself.”

“I don’t know what you mean by flirting,” said Adam, “but if you mean behaving to a woman as if you loved her, and yet not loving her all the while, I say that’s not th’ action of an honest man, and what isn’t honest does come t’ harm. I’m not a fool, and you’re not a fool, and you know better than what you’re saying. You know it couldn’t be made public as you’ve behaved to Hetty as y’ have done without her losing her character and bringing shame and trouble on her and her relations. What if you meant nothing by your kissing and your presents? Other folks won’t believe as you’ve meant nothing; and don’t tell me about her not deceiving herself. I tell you as you’ve filled her mind so with the thought of you as it’ll mayhap poison her life, and she’ll never love another man as ‘ud make her a good husband.”

Arthur had felt a sudden relief while Adam was speaking; he perceived that Adam had no positive knowledge of the past, and that there was no irrevocable damage done by this evening’s unfortunate rencontre. Adam could still be deceived. The candid Arthur had brought himself into a position in which successful lying was his only hope. The hope allayed his anger a little.

“Well, Adam,” he said, in a tone of friendly concession, “you’re perhaps right. Perhaps I’ve gone a little too far in taking notice of the pretty little thing and stealing a kiss now and then. You’re such a grave, steady fellow, you don’t understand the temptation to such trifling. I’m sure I wouldn’t bring any trouble or annoyance on her and the good Poysers on any account if I could help it. But I think you look a little too seriously at it. You know I’m going away immediately, so I shan’t make any more mistakes of the kind. But let us say good-night” — Arthur here turned round to walk on — “and talk no more about the matter. The whole thing will soon be forgotten.”

“No, by God!” Adam burst out with rage that could be controlled no longer, throwing down the basket of tools and striding forward till he was right in front of Arthur. All his jealousy and sense of personal injury, which he had been hitherto trying to keep under, had leaped up and mastered him. What man of us, in the first moments of a sharp agony, could ever feel that the fellow-man who has been the medium of inflicting it did not mean to hurt us? In our instinctive rebellion against pain, we are children again, and demand an active will to wreak our vengeance on. Adam at this moment could only feel that he had been robbed of Hetty — robbed treacherously by the man in whom he had trusted — and he stood close in front of Arthur, with fierce eyes glaring at him, with pale lips and clenched hands, the hard tones in which he had hitherto been constraining himself to express no more than a just indignation giving way to a deep agitated voice that seemed to shake him as he spoke.

“No, it’ll not be soon forgot, as you’ve come in between her and me, when she might ha’ loved me — it’ll not soon be forgot as you’ve robbed me o’ my happiness, while I thought you was my best friend, and a noble-minded man, as I was proud to work for. And you’ve been kissing her, and meaning nothing, have you? And I never kissed her i’ my life — but I’d ha’ worked hard for years for the right to kiss her. And you make light of it. You think little o’ doing what may damage other folks, so as you get your bit o’ trifling, as means nothing. I throw back your favours, for you’re not the man I took you for. I’ll never count you my friend any more. I’d rather you’d act as my enemy, and fight me where I stand — it’s all th’ amends you can make me.”

Poor Adam, possessed by rage that could find no other vent, began to throw off his coat and his cap, too blind with passion to notice the change that had taken place in Arthur while he was speaking. Arthur’s lips were now as pale as Adam’s; his heart was beating violently. The discovery that Adam loved Hetty was a shock which made him for the moment see himself in the light of Adam’s indignation, and regard Adam’s suffering as not merely a consequence, but an element of his error. The words of hatred and contempt — the first he had ever heard in his life — seemed like scorching missiles that were making ineffaceable scars on him. All screening self-excuse, which rarely falls quite away while others respect us, forsook him for an instant, and he stood face to face with the first great irrevocable evil he had ever committed. He was only twenty-one, and three months ago — nay, much later — he had thought proudly that no man should ever be able to reproach him justly. His first impulse, if there had been time for it, would perhaps have been to utter words of propitiation; but Adam had no sooner thrown off his coat and cap than he became aware that Arthur was standing pale and motionless, with his hands still thrust in his waistcoat pockets.

“What!” he said, “won’t you fight me like a man? You know I won’t strike you while you stand so.”

“Go away, Adam,” said Arthur, “I don’t want to fight you.”

“No,” said Adam, bitterly; “you don’t want to fight me — you think I’m a common man, as you can injure without answering for it.”

“I never meant to injure you,” said Arthur, with returning anger. “I didn’t know you loved her.”

“But you’ve made her love you,” said Adam. “You’re a double-faced man — I’ll never believe a word you say again.”

“Go away, I tell you,” said Arthur, angrily, “or we shall both repent.”

“No,” said Adam, with a convulsed voice, “I swear I won’t go away without fighting you. Do you want provoking any more? I tell you you’re a coward and a scoundrel, and I despise you.”

The colour had all rushed back to Arthur’s face; in a moment his right hand was clenched, and dealt a blow like lightning, which sent Adam staggering backward. His blood was as thoroughly up as Adam’s now, and the two men, forgetting the emotions that had gone before, fought with the instinctive fierceness of panthers in the deepening twilight darkened by the trees. The delicate-handed gentleman was a match for the workman in everything but strength, and Arthur’s skill enabled him to protract the struggle for some long moments. But between unarmed men the battle is to the strong, where the strong is no blunderer, and Arthur must sink under a well-planted blow of Adam’s as a steel rod is broken by an iron bar. The blow soon came, and Arthur fell, his head lying concealed in a tuft of fern, so that Adam could only discern his darkly clad body.

He stood still in the dim light waiting for Arthur to rise.

The blow had been given now, towards which he had been straining all the force of nerve and muscle — and what was the good of it? What had he done by fighting? Only satisfied his own passion, only wreaked his own vengeance. He had not rescued Hetty, nor changed the past — there it was, just as it had been, and he sickened at the vanity of his own rage.

But why did not Arthur rise? He was perfectly motionless, and the time seemed long to Adam. Good God! had the blow been too much for him? Adam shuddered at the thought of his own strength, as with the oncoming of this dread he knelt down by Arthur’s side and lifted his head from among the fern. There was no sign of life: the eyes and teeth were set. The horror that rushed over Adam completely mastered him, and forced upon him its own belief. He could feel nothing but that death was in Arthur’s face, and that he was helpless before it. He made not a single movement, but knelt like an image of despair gazing at an image of death.

Chapter XXVII
I

A Dilemm
a

IT was only a few minutes measured by the clock — though Adam always thought it had been a long while — before he perceived a gleam of consciousness in Arthur’s face and a slight shiver through his frame. The intense joy that flooded his soul brought back some of the old affection with it.

“Do you feel any pain, sir?” he said, tenderly, loosening Arthur’s cravat.

Arthur turned his eyes on Adam with a vague stare which gave way to a slightly startled motion as if from the shock of returning memory. But he only shivered again and said nothing.

“Do you feel any hurt, sir?” Adam said again, with a trembling in his voice.

Arthur put his hand up to his waistcoat buttons, and when Adam had unbuttoned it, he took a longer breath. “Lay my head down,” he said, faintly, “and get me some water if you can.”

Adam laid the head down gently on the fern again, and emptying the tools out of the flag-basket, hurried through the trees to the edge of the Grove bordering on the Chase, where a brook ran below the bank.

When he returned with his basket leaking, but still half-full, Arthur looked at him with a more thoroughly reawakened consciousness.

“Can you drink a drop out o’ your hand, sir?” said Adam, kneeling down again to lift up Arthur’s head.

“No,” said Arthur, “dip my cravat in and souse it on my head.”

The water seemed to do him some good, for he presently raised himself a little higher, resting on Adam’s arm.

“Do you feel any hurt inside sir?” Adam asked again

“No — no hurt,” said Arthur, still faintly, “but rather done up.”

After a while he said, “I suppose I fainted away when you knocked me down.”

“Yes, sir, thank God,” said Adam. “I thought it was worse.”

“What! You thought you’d done for me, eh? Come help me on my legs.”

“I feel terribly shaky and dizzy,” Arthur said, as he stood leaning on Adam’s arm; “that blow of yours must have come against me like a battering-ram. I don’t believe I can walk alone.”

“Lean on me, sir; I’ll get you along,” said Adam. “Or, will you sit down a bit longer, on my coat here, and I’ll prop y’ up. You’ll perhaps be better in a minute or two.”

“No,” said Arthur. “I’ll go to the Hermitage — I think I’ve got some brandy there. There’s a short road to it a little farther on, near the gate. If you’ll just help me on.”

They walked slowly, with frequent pauses, but without speaking again. In both of them, the concentration in the present which had attended the first moments of Arthur’s revival had now given way to a vivid recollection of the previous scene. It was nearly dark in the narrow path among the trees, but within the circle of fir-trees round the Hermitage there was room for the growing moonlight to enter in at the windows. Their steps were noiseless on the thick carpet of fir-needles, and the outward stillness seemed to heighten their inward consciousness, as Arthur took the key out of his pocket and placed it in Adam’s hand, for him to open the door. Adam had not known before that Arthur had furnished the old Hermitage and made it a retreat for himself, and it was a surprise to him when he opened the door to see a snug room with all the signs of frequent habitation.

Arthur loosed Adam’s arm and threw himself on the ottoman. “You’ll see my hunting-bottle somewhere,” he said. “A leather case with a bottle and glass in.”

Adam was not long in finding the case. “There’s very little brandy in it, sir,” he said, turning it downwards over the glass, as he held it before the window; “hardly this little glassful.”

“Well, give me that,” said Arthur, with the peevishness of physical depression. When he had taken some sips, Adam said, “Hadn’t I better run to th’ house, sir, and get some more brandy? I can be there and back pretty soon. It’ll be a stiff walk home for you, if you don’t have something to revive you.”

“Yes — go. But don’t say I’m ill. Ask for my man Pym, and tell him to get it from Mills, and not to say I’m at the Hermitage. Get some water too.”

Adam was relieved to have an active task — both of them were relieved to be apart from each other for a short time. But Adam’s swift pace could not still the eager pain of thinking — of living again with concentrated suffering through the last wretched hour, and looking out from it over all the new sad future.

Arthur lay still for some minutes after Adam was gone, but presently he rose feebly from the ottoman and peered about slowly in the broken moonlight, seeking something. It was a short bit of wax candle that stood amongst a confusion of writing and drawing materials. There was more searching for the means of lighting the candle, and when that was done, he went cautiously round the room, as if wishing to assure himself of the presence or absence of something. At last he had found a slight thing, which he put first in his pocket, and then, on a second thought, took out again and thrust deep down into a waste-paper basket. It was a woman’s little, pink, silk neckerchief. He set the candle on the table, and threw himself down on the ottoman again, exhausted with the effort.

When Adam came back with his supplies, his entrance awoke Arthur from a doze.

“That’s right,” Arthur said; “I’m tremendously in want of some brandy-vigour.”

“I’m glad to see you’ve got a light, sir,” said Adam. “I’ve been thinking I’d better have asked for a lanthorn.”

“No, no; the candle will last long enough — I shall soon be up to walking home now.”

“I can’t go before I’ve seen you safe home, sir,” said Adam, hesitatingly.

“No: it will be better for you to stay — sit down.”

Adam sat down, and they remained opposite to each other in uneasy silence, while Arthur slowly drank brandy-and-water, with visibly renovating effect. He began to lie in a more voluntary position, and looked as if he were less overpowered by bodily sensations. Adam was keenly alive to these indications, and as his anxiety about Arthur’s condition began to be allayed, he felt more of that impatience which every one knows who has had his just indignation suspended by the physical state of the culprit. Yet there was one thing on his mind to be done before he could recur to remonstrance: it was to confess what had been unjust in his own words. Perhaps he longed all the more to make this confession, that his indignation might be free again; and as he saw the signs of returning ease in Arthur, the words again and again came to his lips and went back, checked by the thought that it would be better to leave everything till to-morrow. As long as they were silent they did not look at each other, and a foreboding came across Adam that if they began to speak as though they remembered the past — if they looked at each other with full recognition — they must take fire again. So they sat in silence till the bit of wax candle flickered low in the socket, the silence all the while becoming more irksome to Adam. Arthur had just poured out some more brandy-and-water, and he threw one arm behind his head and drew up one leg in an attitude of recovered ease, which was an irresistible temptation to Adam to speak what was on his mind.

“You begin to feel more yourself again, sir,” he said, as the candle went out and they were half-hidden from each other in the faint moonlight.

“Yes: I don’t feel good for much — very lazy, and not inclined to move; but I’ll go home when I’ve taken this dose.”

There was a slight pause before Adam said, “My temper got the better of me, and I said things as wasn’t true. I’d no right to speak as if you’d known you was doing me an injury: you’d no grounds for knowing it; I’ve always kept what I felt for her as secret as I could.”

He paused again before he went on.

“And perhaps I judged you too harsh — I’m apt to be harsh — and you may have acted out o’ thoughtlessness more than I should ha’ believed was possible for a man with a heart and a conscience. We’re not all put together alike, and we may misjudge one another. God knows, it’s all the joy I could have now, to think the best of you.”

Arthur wanted to go home without saying any more — he was too painfully embarrassed in mind, as well as too weak in body, to wish for any further explanation to-night. And yet it was a relief to him that Adam reopened the subject in a way the least difficult for him to answer. Arthur was in the wretched position of an open, generous man who has committed an error which makes deception seem a necessity. The native impulse to give truth in return for truth, to meet trust with frank confession, must be suppressed, and duty was becoming a question of tactics. His deed was reacting upon him — was already governing him tyrannously and forcing him into a course that jarred with his habitual feelings. The only aim that seemed admissible to him now was to deceive Adam to the utmost: to make Adam think better of him than he deserved. And when he heard the words of honest retractation — when he heard the sad appeal with which Adam ended — he was obliged to rejoice in the remains of ignorant confidence it implied. He did not answer immediately, for he had to be judicious and not truthful.

“Say no more about our anger, Adam,” he said, at last, very languidly, for the labour of speech was unwelcome to him; “I forgive your momentary injustice — it was quite natural, with the exaggerated notions you had in your mind. We shall be none the worse friends in future, I hope, because we’ve fought. You had the best of it, and that was as it should be, for I believe I’ve been most in the wrong of the two. Come, let us shake hands.”

Arthur held out his hand, but Adam sat still.

“I don’t like to say ‘No’ to that, sir,” he said, “but I can’t shake hands till it’s clear what we mean by’t. I was wrong when I spoke as if you’d done me an injury knowingly, but I wasn’t wrong in what I said before, about your behaviour t’ Hetty, and I can’t shake hands with you as if I held you my friend the same as ever till you’ve cleared that up better.”

Arthur swallowed his pride and resentment as he drew back his hand. He was silent for some moments, and then said, as indifferently as he could, “I don’t know what you mean by clearing up, Adam. I’ve told you already that you think too seriously of a little flirtation. But if you are right in supposing there is any danger in it — I’m going away on Saturday, and there will be an end of it. As for the pain it has given you, I’m heartily sorry for it. I can say no more.”

Adam said nothing, but rose from his chair and stood with his face towards one of the windows, as if looking at the blackness of the moonlit fir-trees; but he was in reality conscious of nothing but the conflict within him. It was of no use now — his resolution not to speak till to-morrow. He must speak there and then. But it was several minutes before he turned round and stepped nearer to Arthur, standing and looking down on him as he lay.

“It’ll be better for me to speak plain,” he said, with evident effort, “though it’s hard work. You see, sir, this isn’t a trifle to me, whatever it may be to you. I’m none o’ them men as can go making love first to one woman and then t’ another, and don’t think it much odds which of ‘em I take. What I feel for Hetty’s a different sort o’ love, such as I believe nobody can know much about but them as feel it and God as has given it to ‘em. She’s more nor everything else to me, all but my conscience and my good name. And if it’s true what you’ve been saying all along — and if it’s only been trifling and flirting as you call it, as ‘ll be put an end to by your going away — why, then, I’d wait, and hope her heart ‘ud turn to me after all. I’m loath to think you’d speak false to me, and I’ll believe your word, however things may look.”

“You would be wronging Hetty more than me not to believe it,” said Arthur, almost violently, starting up from the ottoman and moving away. But he threw himself into a chair again directly, saying, more feebly, “You seem to forget that, in suspecting me, you are casting imputations upon her.”

“Nay, sir,” Adam said, in a calmer voice, as if he were half-relieved — for he was too straightforward to make a distinction between a direct falsehood and an indirect one — “Nay, sir, things don’t lie level between Hetty and you. You’re acting with your eyes open, whatever you may do; but how do you know what’s been in her mind? She’s all but a child — as any man with a conscience in him ought to feel bound to take care on. And whatever you may think, I know you’ve disturbed her mind. I know she’s been fixing her heart on you, for there’s a many things clear to me now as I didn’t understand before. But you seem to make light o’ what she may feel — you don’t think o’ that.”