Delphi Complete Works of George Eliot (Illustrated) (128 page)

Maggie’s voice was getting choked as she uttered these last words.

“I can’t think of her,” said Stephen, stamping as if with pain. “I can think of nothing but you, Maggie. You demand of a man what is impossible. I felt that once; but I can’t go back to it now. And where is the use of your thinking of it, except to torture me? You can’t save them from pain now; you can only tear yourself from me, and make my life worthless to me. And even if we could go back, and both fulfil our engagements,–if that were possible now,–it would be hateful, horrible, to think of your ever being Philip’s wife,–of your ever being the wife of a man you didn’t love. We have both been rescued from a mistake.”

A deep flush came over Maggie’s face, and she couldn’t speak. Stephen saw this. He sat down again, taking her hand in his, and looking at her with passionate entreaty.

“Maggie! Dearest! If you love me, you are mine. Who can have so great a claim on you as I have? My life is bound up in your love. There is nothing in the past that can annul our right to each other; it is the first time we have either of us loved with our whole heart and soul.”

Maggie was still silent for a little while, looking down. Stephen was in a flutter of new hope; he was going to triumph. But she raised her eyes and met his with a glance that was filled with the anguish of regret, not with yielding.

“No, not with my whole heart and soul, Stephen,” she said with timid resolution. “I have never consented to it with my whole mind. There are memories, and affections, and longings after perfect goodness, that have such a strong hold on me; they would never quit me for long; they would come back and be pain to me–repentance. I couldn’t live in peace if I put the shadow of a wilful sin between myself and God. I have caused sorrow already–I know–I feel it; but I have never deliberately consented to it; I have never said, ‘They shall suffer, that I may have joy.’ It has never been my will to marry you; if you were to win consent from the momentary triumph of my feeling for you, you would not have my whole soul. If I could wake back again into the time before yesterday, I would choose to be true to my calmer affections, and live without the joy of love.”

Stephen loosed her hand, and rising impatiently, walked up and down the room in suppressed rage.

“Good God!” he burst out at last, “what a miserable thing a woman’s love is to a man’s! I could commit crimes for you,–and you can balance and choose in that way. But you don’t love me; if you had a tithe of the feeling for me that I have for you, it would be impossible to you to think for a moment of sacrificing me. But it weighs nothing with you that you are robbing me of my life’s happiness.”

Maggie pressed her fingers together almost convulsively as she held them clasped on her lap. A great terror was upon her, as if she were ever and anon seeing where she stood by great flashes of lightning, and then again stretched forth her hands in the darkness.

“No, I don’t sacrifice you–I couldn’t sacrifice you,” she said, as soon as she could speak again; “but I can’t believe in a good for you, that I feel, that we both feel, is a wrong toward others. We can’t choose happiness either for ourselves or for another; we can’t tell where that will lie. We can only choose whether we will indulge ourselves in the present moment, or whether we will renounce that, for the sake of obeying the divine voice within us,–for the sake of being true to all the motives that sanctify our lives. I know this belief is hard; it has slipped away from me again and again; but I have felt that if I let it go forever, I should have no light through the darkness of this life.”

“But, Maggie,” said Stephen, seating himself by her again, “is it possible you don’t see that what happened yesterday has altered the whole position of things? What infatuation is it, what obstinate prepossession, that blinds you to that? It is too late to say what we might have done or what we ought to have done. Admitting the very worst view of what has been done, it is a fact we must act on now; our position is altered; the right course is no longer what it was before. We must accept our own actions and start afresh from them. Suppose we had been married yesterday? It is nearly the same thing. The effect on others would not have been different. It would only have made this difference to ourselves,” Stephen added bitterly, “that you might have acknowledged then that your tie to me was stronger than to others.”

Again a deep flush came over Maggie’s face, and she was silent. Stephen thought again that he was beginning to prevail,–he had never yet believed that he should not prevail; there are possibilities which our minds shrink from too completely for us to fear them.

“Dearest,” he said, in his deepest, tenderest tone, leaning toward her, and putting his arm round her, “you are mine now,–the world believes it; duty must spring out of that now.

“In a few hours you will be legally mine, and those who had claims on us will submit,–they will see that there was a force which declared against their claims.”

Maggie’s eyes opened wide in one terrified look at the face that was close to hers, and she started up, pale again.

“Oh, I can’t do it,” she said, in a voice almost of agony; “Stephen, don’t ask me–don’t urge me. I can’t argue any longer,–I don’t know what is wise; but my heart will not let me do it. I see,–I feel their trouble now; it is as if it were branded on my mind. I have suffered, and had no one to pity me; and now I have made others suffer. It would never leave me; it would embitter your love to me. I do care for Philip–in a different way; I remember all we said to each other; I know how he thought of me as the one promise of his life. He was given to me that I might make his lot less hard; and I have forsaken him. And Lucy–she has been deceived; she who trusted me more than any one. I cannot marry you; I cannot take a good for myself that has been wrung out of their misery. It is not the force that ought to rule us,–this that we feel for each other; it would rend me away from all that my past life has made dear and holy to me. I can’t set out on a fresh life, and forget that; I must go back to it, and cling to it, else I shall feel as if there were nothing firm beneath my feet.”

“Good God, Maggie!” said Stephen, rising too and grasping her arm, “you rave. How can you go back without marrying me? You don’t know what will be said, dearest. You see nothing as it really is.”

“Yes, I do. But they will believe me. I will confess everything. Lucy will believe me–she will forgive you, and–and–oh, some good will come by clinging to the right. Dear, dear Stephen, let me go!–don’t drag me into deeper remorse. My whole soul has never consented; it does not consent now.”

Stephen let go her arm, and sank back on his chair, half-stunned by despairing rage. He was silent a few moments, not looking at her; while her eyes were turned toward him yearningly, in alarm at this sudden change. At last he said, still without looking at her,–

“Go, then,–leave me; don’t torture me any longer,–I can’t bear it.”

Involuntarily she leaned toward him and put out her hand to touch his. But he shrank from it as if it had been burning iron, and said again,–

“Leave me.”

Maggie was not conscious of a decision as she turned away from that gloomy averted face, and walked out of the room; it was like an automatic action that fulfils a forgotten intention. What came after? A sense of stairs descended as if in a dream, of flagstones, of a chaise and horses standing, then a street, and a turning into another street where a stage-coach was standing, taking in passengers, and the darting thought that that coach would take her away, perhaps toward home. But she could ask nothing yet; she only got into the coach.

Home–where her mother and brother were, Philip, Lucy, the scene of her very cares and trials–was the haven toward which her mind tended; the sanctuary where sacred relics lay, where she would be rescued from more falling. The thought of Stephen was like a horrible throbbing pain, which yet, as such pains do, seemed to urge all other thoughts into activity. But among her thoughts, what others would say and think of her conduct was hardly present. Love and deep pity and remorseful anguish left no room for that.

The coach was taking her to York, farther away from home; but she did not learn that until she was set down in the old city at midnight. It was no matter; she could sleep there, and start home the next day. She had her purse in her pocket, with all her money in it,–a bank-note and a sovereign; she had kept it in her pocket from forgetfulness, after going out to make purchases the day before yesterday.

Did she lie down in the gloomy bedroom of the old inn that night with her will bent unwaveringly on the path of penitent sacrifice? The great struggles of life are not so easy as that; the great problems of life are not so clear. In the darkness of that night she saw Stephen’s face turned toward her in passionate, reproachful misery; she lived through again all the tremulous delights of his presence with her that made existence an easy floating in a stream of joy, instead of a quiet resolved endurance and effort. The love she had renounced came back upon her with a cruel charm; she felt herself opening her arms to receive it once more; and then it seemed to slip away and fade and vanish, leaving only the dying sound of a deep, thrilling voice that said, “Gone, forever gone.”

BOOK VII

THE GREAT RESCUE

CHAPTER I

The Return to the Mill

Between four and five o’clock on the afternoon of the fifth day from that on which Stephen and Maggie had left St. Ogg’s, Tom Tulliver was standing on the gravel walk outside the old house at Dorlcote Mill. He was master there now; he had half fulfilled his father’s dying wish, and by years of steady self-government and energetic work he had brought himself near to the attainment of more than the old respectability which had been the proud inheritance of the Dodsons and Tullivers.

But Tom’s face, as he stood in the hot, still sunshine of that summer afternoon, had no gladness, no triumph in it. His mouth wore its bitterest expression, his severe brow its hardest and deepest fold, as he drew down his hat farther over his eyes to shelter them from the sun, and thrusting his hands deep into his pockets, began to walk up and down the gravel. No news of his sister had been heard since Bob Jakin had come back in the steamer from Mudport, and put an end to all improbable suppositions of an accident on the water by stating that he had seen her land from a vessel with Mr. Stephen Guest. Would the next news be that she was married,–or what? Probably that she was not married; Tom’s mind was set to the expectation of the worst that could happen,–not death, but disgrace.

As he was walking with his back toward the entrance gate, and his face toward the rushing mill-stream, a tall, dark-eyed figure, that we know well, approached the gate, and paused to look at him with a fast-beating heart. Her brother was the human being of whom she had been most afraid from her childhood upward; afraid with that fear which springs in us when we love one who is inexorable, unbending, unmodifiable, with a mind that we can never mould ourselves upon, and yet that we cannot endure to alienate from us.

That deep-rooted fear was shaking Maggie now; but her mind was unswervingly bent on returning to her brother, as the natural refuge that had been given her. In her deep humiliation under the retrospect of her own weakness,–in her anguish at the injury she had inflicted,–she almost desired to endure the severity of Tom’s reproof, to submit in patient silence to that harsh, disapproving judgment against which she had so often rebelled; it seemed no more than just to her now,–who was weaker than she was? She craved that outward help to her better purpose which would come from complete, submissive confession; from being in the presence of those whose looks and words would be a reflection of her own conscience.

Maggie had been kept on her bed at York for a day with that prostrating headache which was likely to follow on the terrible strain of the previous day and night. There was an expression of physical pain still about her brow and eyes, and her whole appearance, with her dress so long unchanged, was worn and distressed. She lifted the latch of the gate and walked in slowly. Tom did not hear the gate; he was just then close upon the roaring dam; but he presently turned, and lifting up his eyes, saw the figure whose worn look and loneliness seemed to him a confirmation of his worst conjectures. He paused, trembling and white with disgust and indignation.

Maggie paused too, three yards before him. She felt the hatred in his face, felt it rushing through her fibres; but she must speak.

“Tom,” she began faintly, “I am come back to you,–I am come back home–for refuge–to tell you everything.”

“You will find no home with me,” he answered, with tremulous rage. “You have disgraced us all. You have disgraced my father’s name. You have been a curse to your best friends. You have been base, deceitful; no motives are strong enough to restrain you. I wash my hands of you forever. You don’t belong to me.”

Their mother had come to the door now. She stood paralyzed by the double shock of seeing Maggie and hearing Tom’s words.

“Tom,” said Maggie, with more courage, “I am perhaps not so guilty as you believe me to be. I never meant to give way to my feelings. I struggled against them. I was carried too far in the boat to come back on Tuesday. I came back as soon as I could.”

“I can’t believe in you any more,” said Tom, gradually passing from the tremulous excitement of the first moment to cold inflexibility. “You have been carrying on a clandestine relation with Stephen Guest,–as you did before with another. He went to see you at my aunt Moss’s; you walked alone with him in the lanes; you must have behaved as no modest girl would have done to her cousin’s lover, else that could never have happened. The people at Luckreth saw you pass; you passed all the other places; you knew what you were doing. You have been using Philip Wakem as a screen to deceive Lucy,–the kindest friend you ever had. Go and see the return you have made her. She’s ill; unable to speak. My mother can’t go near her, lest she should remind her of you.”

Maggie was half stunned,–too heavily pressed upon by her anguish even to discern any difference between her actual guilt and her brother’s accusations, still less to vindicate herself.

“Tom,” she said, crushing her hands together under her cloak, in the effort to speak again, “whatever I have done, I repent it bitterly. I want to make amends. I will endure anything. I want to be kept from doing wrong again.”

“What will keep you?” said Tom, with cruel bitterness. “Not religion; not your natural feelings of gratitude and honor. And he–he would deserve to be shot, if it were not––But you are ten times worse than he is. I loathe your character and your conduct. You struggled with your feelings, you say. Yes! I have had feelings to struggle with; but I conquered them. I have had a harder life than you have had; but I have found my comfort in doing my duty. But I will sanction no such character as yours; the world shall know that I feel the difference between right and wrong. If you are in want, I will provide for you; let my mother know. But you shall not come under my roof. It is enough that I have to bear the thought of your disgrace; the sight of you is hateful to me.”

Slowly Maggie was turning away with despair in her heart. But the poor frightened mother’s love leaped out now, stronger than all dread.

“My child! I’ll go with you. You’ve got a mother.”

Oh, the sweet rest of that embrace to the heart-stricken Maggie! More helpful than all wisdom is one draught of simple human pity that will not forsake us.

Tom turned and walked into the house.

“Come in, my child,” Mrs. Tulliver whispered. “He’ll let you stay and sleep in my bed. He won’t deny that if I ask him.”

“No, mother,” said Maggie, in a low tone, like a moan. “I will never go in.”

“Then wait for me outside. I’ll get ready and come with you.”

When his mother appeared with her bonnet on, Tom came out to her in the passage, and put money into her hands.

“My house is yours, mother, always,” he said. “You will come and let me know everything you want; you will come back to me.”

Poor Mrs. Tulliver took the money, too frightened to say anything. The only thing clear to her was the mother’s instinct that she would go with her unhappy child.

Maggie was waiting outside the gate; she took her mother’s hand and they walked a little way in silence.

“Mother,” said Maggie, at last, “we will go to Luke’s cottage. Luke will take me in. He was very good to me when I was a little girl.”

“He’s got no room for us, my dear, now; his wife’s got so many children. I don’t know where to go, if it isn’t to one o’ your aunts; and I hardly durst,” said poor Mrs. Tulliver, quite destitute of mental resources in this extremity.

Maggie was silent a little while, and then said,–

“Let us go to Bob Jakin’s, mother; his wife will have room for us, if they have no other lodger.”

So they went on their way to St. Ogg’s, to the old house by the river-side.

Bob himself was at home, with a heaviness at heart which resisted even the new joy and pride of possessing a two-months’-old baby, quite the liveliest of its age that had ever been born to prince or packman. He would perhaps not so thoroughly have understood all the dubiousness of Maggie’s appearance with Mr. Stephen Guest on the quay at Mudport if he had not witnessed the effect it produced on Tom when he went to report it; and since then, the circumstances which in any case gave a disastrous character to her elopement had passed beyond the more polite circles of St. Ogg’s, and had become matter of common talk, accessible to the grooms and errand-boys. So that when he opened the door and saw Maggie standing before him in her sorrow and weariness, he had no questions to ask except one which he dared only ask himself,–where was Mr. Stephen Guest? Bob, for his part, hoped he might be in the warmest department of an asylum understood to exist in the other world for gentlemen who are likely to be in fallen circumstances there.

The lodgings were vacant, and both Mrs. Jakin the larger and Mrs. Jakin the less were commanded to make all things comfortable for “the old Missis and the young Miss”; alas that she was still “Miss!” The ingenious Bob was sorely perplexed as to how this result could have come about; how Mr. Stephen Guest could have gone away from her, or could have let her go away from him, when he had the chance of keeping her with him. But he was silent, and would not allow his wife to ask him a question; would not present himself in the room, lest it should appear like intrusion and a wish to pry; having the same chivalry toward dark-eyed Maggie as in the days when he had bought her the memorable present of books.

But after a day or two Mrs. Tulliver was gone to the Mill again for a few hours to see to Tom’s household matters. Maggie had wished this; after the first violent outburst of feeling which came as soon as she had no longer any active purpose to fulfil, she was less in need of her mother’s presence; she even desired to be alone with her grief. But she had been solitary only a little while in the old sitting-room that looked on the river, when there came a tap at the door, and turning round her sad face as she said “Come in,” she saw Bob enter, with the baby in his arms and Mumps at his heels.

“We’ll go back, if it disturbs you, Miss,” said Bob.

“No,” said Maggie, in a low voice, wishing she could smile.

Bob, closing the door behind him, came and stood before her.

“You see, we’ve got a little un, Miss, and I want’d you to look at it, and take it in your arms, if you’d be so good. For we made free to name it after you, and it ‘ud be better for your takin’ a bit o’ notice on it.”

Maggie could not speak, but she put out her arms to receive the tiny baby, while Mumps snuffed at it anxiously, to ascertain that this transference was all right. Maggie’s heart had swelled at this action and speech of Bob’s; she knew well enough that it was a way he had chosen to show his sympathy and respect.

“Sit down, Bob,” she said presently, and he sat down in silence, finding his tongue unmanageable in quite a new fashion, refusing to say what he wanted it to say.

“Bob,” she said, after a few moments, looking down at the baby, and holding it anxiously, as if she feared it might slip from her mind and her fingers, “I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Don’t you speak so, Miss,” said Bob, grasping the skin of Mumps’s neck; “if there’s anything I can do for you, I should look upon it as a day’s earnings.”

“I want you to go to Dr. Kenn’s, and ask to speak to him, and tell him that I am here, and should be very grateful if he would come to me while my mother is away. She will not come back till evening.”

“Eh, Miss, I’d do it in a minute,–it is but a step,–but Dr. Kenn’s wife lies dead; she’s to be buried to-morrow; died the day I come from Mudport. It’s all the more pity she should ha’ died just now, if you want him. I hardly like to go a-nigh him yet.”

“Oh no, Bob,” said Maggie, “we must let it be,–till after a few days, perhaps, when you hear that he is going about again. But perhaps he may be going out of town–to a distance,” she added, with a new sense of despondency at this idea.

“Not he, Miss,” said Bob. “He’ll none go away. He isn’t one o’ them gentlefolks as go to cry at waterin’-places when their wives die; he’s got summat else to do. He looks fine and sharp after the parish, he does. He christened the little un; an’ he was at me to know what I did of a Sunday, as I didn’t come to church. But I told him I was upo’ the travel three parts o’ the Sundays,–an’ then I’m so used to bein’ on my legs, I can’t sit so long on end,–’an’ lors, sir,’ says I, ‘a packman can do wi’ a small ‘lowance o’ church; it tastes strong,’ says I; ‘there’s no call to lay it on thick.’ Eh, Miss, how good the little un is wi’ you! It’s like as if it knowed you; it partly does, I’ll be bound,–like the birds know the mornin’.”