Delphi Complete Works of Anton Chekhov (Illustrated) (474 page)

‘Now I have no fear, I feel everything is possible,’ she murmured as we went together towards the house and she pressed my elbow convulsively. ‘This morning I did not know where to hide myself from terror, and now... now, my good giant, I don’t know what to do from happiness! My husband is sitting and waiting for me there... Ha, ha! What’s that to me? If he were even a crocodile, a terrible serpent... I’m afraid of nothing! I love you, and that’s all I want to know!’

I looked at her face, radiant with happiness, at her eyes, brimful of joyful, satisfied love, and my heart sank with fear for the future of this pretty, happy creature: her love for me was but an extra impulse towards the abyss... How will this laughing woman with no thought for the future end?... My heart misgave me and sank with a feeling that cannot be called either pity or sympathy, because it was stronger than these feelings. I stopped and laid my hand on Olga’s shoulder... I had never before seen anything more beautiful, graceful and at the same time more pitiful... There was no time for reasoning, deliberation or thought, and, carried away by my feelings, I exclaimed:

‘Olga, come home with me at once! This instant!’

‘How? What did you say?’ she asked, unable to understand my somewhat solemn tone.

‘Let us drive to my house immediately!’

Olga smiled and pointed to the house...

‘Well, and what of that?’ I said, isn’t it all the same if I take you tomorrow or today? But the sooner the better... Come!’

‘But... won’t it look strange?...’

‘What, girl, you’re afraid of the scandal? Yes, there’ll be a tremendous, an almighty scandal, but a thousand scandals are better than that you should remain here! I won’t leave you here! I can’t leave you here! Olga, do you understand? Cast aside your faint-heartedness, your womanly logic, and obey me! Obey me if you do not desire your own ruin!’

Olga’s eyes said that she did not understand me... Meanwhile time did not stop but went its course, and it was impossible for us to remain standing in the avenue while they were expecting us
there.
We had to decide... I pressed to my heart ‘the girl in red’, who actually was my wife now, and at that moment it appeared to me that I really loved her... loved her with a husband’s love, that she was mine, and that her fate rested on my conscience... I saw that I was united with this creature for ever, irrevocably.

‘Listen, my darling, my treasure!’ I said, it’s a bold step... It will separate us from our nearest friends; it will call down upon our heads a thousand reproaches and tearful lamentations. Perhaps it will even spoil my career; it will cause me a thousand insurmountable unpleasantnesses, but, my darling, it is settled! You will be my wife! I want no better wife. God preserve me from all other women! I will make you happy; I will take care of you like the apple of my eye, as long as I live; I will educate you — make a woman of you! I promise you this, and here is my honest hand on it!’

I spoke with sincere passion, with feeling, like a stage lover acting the most pathetic scene of his part. I spoke very well, I seemed to be inspired by the touch of an eagle’s wing that was soaring over our heads. My Olia took my outstretched hand, held it in her own small hands, and kissed it tenderly. But this was not a sign of assent. On the silly little face of an inexperienced woman who had never before heard such speech, there appeared a look of perplexity... She still could not understand me.

‘You say I am to go to you?’ she said reflectively. ‘I don’t quite understand you... Don’t you know what
he
would say?’

‘What have you to do with what he would say?’

‘How so? No, Serezha! Better say no more... Please don’t mention it again... You love me, and I want nothing more. With your love I’m ready for anything.’

‘But, little fool, how will you manage it?’

‘I shall live here, and you — why, you will come every day... I will come to meet you.’

‘But I can’t imagine such a life for you without a shudder! At night - him; in the day - me... No, that is impossible! Olia, I love you so much at the present moment that... I am madly jealous... I never suspected that I had the capacity for such feelings.’

But what imprudence! I had my arm round her waist, and she was stroking my hand tenderly even though at any moment someone might pass along the avenue and see us.

‘Come,’ I said, removing my arm. ‘Put on your cloak and let us be off!’

‘How quickly you want to do things,’ she murmured in a tearful voice. ‘You hurry as if to a fire. God only knows what you’re dreaming of! To run away immediately after the marriage! What will people say?’

And Olenka shrugged her shoulders. Her face wore such a look of perplexity, astonishment and incomprehension that I only waved my hand and postponed discussion of her emotional problems to another moment. Besides, there was no time to continue our conversation: we were going up the stone stairs that led to the terrace and could hear the sound of voices. At the dining-room door Olia arranged her hair, saw that her dress was in order, and went into the room. No signs of confusion could be noticed on her face. She entered the room much more boldly than I had expected.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I have brought back the fugitive,’ I said as I sat down in my place, I found her with difficulty... I’m quite tired out by this search. I went into the garden, I looked around, and there she was walking about in the avenue... “Why are you here?” I asked her. “I just felt like it,” she answered. “It’s so stuffy.”

Olia looked at me, at the guests, at her husband, and began to laugh. Something amused her, and she became gay. I read on her face the wish to share with all that crowd of diners the sudden happiness that she had experienced; and not being able to give expression to it in words, she poured it out in her laughter.

‘What a funny person I am!’ she said. ‘I am laughing, and I don’t know why I am laughing... Count, laugh!’

‘Sweeten the wine,’ cried Kalinin.

Urbenin coughed and looked inquiringly at Olia.

‘Well?’ she said, with a momentary frown.

‘They are calling for us to sweeten the wine,’ Urbenin smiled, and rising, he wiped his lips with his napkin.

Olga rose too and allowed him to kiss her immovable lips...

The kiss was a cold one, but it served to increase the fire that was smouldering in my breast and threatened every moment to burst into flame... I turned away and with compressed lips awaited the end of the dinner... Fortunately the end was soon reached, otherwise I would not have been able to endure it.

CHAPTER XV

‘Come here!’ I said to the Count rudely, going up to him after dinner.

The Count looked at me with astonishment and followed me into the empty room to which I led him.

‘What do you want, my dear friend?’ he asked as he unbuttoned his waistcoat and hiccuped.

‘Choose one of us...’I said, scarcely able to stand on my feet from the rage that had mastered me. ‘Either me or Pshekhotsky! If you don’t promise me that in an hour that scoundrel shall leave your estate, I will never set foot here again! I give you half a minute to make your choice!’

The Count dropped the cigar out of his mouth and spread his arms...

‘What’s the matter with you, Serezha?’ he asked, opening his eyes wide. ‘You look quite wild!’

‘No useless words, if you please! I cannot endure that spy, scoundrel, rogue, your friend Pshekhotsky, and in the name of our close friendship I demand that he leave this place, and instantly, too!’

‘But what has he done to you?’ the Count asked, much agitated. ‘Why are you attacking him?’

‘I ask you again: me or him?’

‘But, golubchek, you are placing me in a horribly awkward position... Stop! There’s a feather on your dress coat! You are demanding the impossible from me!’

‘Good-bye!’ I said. ‘I am no longer acquainted with you.’

And turning sharply on my heel, I went into the ante-room, put on my overcoat, and hastened out of the house. When crossing the garden towards the servants’ quarters, where I wanted to give the order to have my horse put to, I was stopped. Coming towards me with a small cup of coffee in her hand, I was met by Nadia Kalinin. She was also at Urbenin’s wedding, but a sort of undefined fear had forced me to avoid speaking to her, and during the whole day I had not gone up to her, nor said a word to her.

‘Sergey Petrovich!’ she said in an unnaturally deep voice when in passing her I slightly raised my hat. ‘Stop!’

‘What may your commands be?’ I asked, as I came up to her.

‘I have nothing to command... Besides, you are no lackey,’ she said, gazing straight into my eyes and becoming terribly pale. ‘You are hurrying somewhere, but if you have time might I detain you for a moment?’

‘Certainly! There was no need to ask.’

‘In that case let us sit down... Sergey Petrovich,’ she continued, after we had seated ourselves. ‘All this day you have tried to avoid seeing me, and have skirted me as if on purpose, as if you were afraid of meeting me. So I decided to speak to you... I am proud and egoistical... I do not know how to obtrude myself... but once in a lifetime one can sacrifice pride.’

‘To what do you refer?’

I had decided to ask you... the question is humiliating, it is difficult for me... I don’t know how I shall stand it... Answer me without looking at me... Sergey Petrovich, is it possible you are not sorry for me?’

Nadia looked at me and slightly shook her head. Her face became paler. Her upper lip trembled and was drawn to one side.

‘Sergey Petrovich! I always think that... you have been separated from me by some misunderstanding, some caprice... I think if we had an explanation, all would go on as formerly. If I did not think it, I would not have strength to put you the question you are about to hear. Sergey Petrovich, I am unhappy... You must see it... My life is no life... All is dried up... And chiefly... this uncertainty... one does not know, whether to hope or not... Your conduct towards me is so incomprehensible that it is impossible to arrive at any certain conclusion... Tell me, and I shall know what to do... My life will then have an aim... I shall then decide on something.’

‘Nadezhda Nikolaevna, you wish to ask me about something?’ I said, preparing in my mind an answer to the question I had a presentiment was coming.

‘Yes, I want to ask... the question is humiliating... If anybody were listening to us they might think I was obtruding myself - in a word, was behaving like Pushkin’s Tatiana... But this question has been tortured from me...’

The question was really forced from her by torture. When Nadia turned her face towards me to put that question, I became frightened: she trembled, pressed her fingers together convulsively, and uttered with melancholy sadness the fatal words. Her pallor was terrible.

‘May I hope?’ she whispered at last. ‘Do not be afraid to tell me candidly... Whatever the answer may be, it will be better than uncertainty. What is it? May I hope?’

She waited for an answer, but the state of my soul was such that I was incapable of making a sensible response. Drunk, excited by the occurrence in the grotto, enraged by Pshekhotsky’s spying, and Olga’s indecision, and the stupid conversation I had had with the Count, I scarcely heard Nadia.

‘May I hope?’ she repeated. ‘Answer me!’

‘Ach, I can’t answer now, Nadezhda Nikolaevna!’ I said with a wave of the hand as I rose. ‘I am incapable at the present moment of giving any sort of answer. Forgive me, I neither heard nor understood you. I am stupid and excited... It’s really a pity you took the trouble.’

I again waved my hand and left Nadia. It was only afterwards, when I became calm again, that I understood how stupid and cruel I had been in not giving the girl an answer to her simple and ingenuous question. Why did I not answer her?

Now when I can look back dispassionately at the past, I do not explain my cruelty by the condition of my soul. It appears to me that in not giving a straightforward answer I was coquetting and playing the fool. It is difficult to understand the human soul, but it is still more difficult to understand one’s own soul. If I really was playing the fool, may God forgive me. Although to make game of another’s suffering ought not to be forgiven.