Delphi Complete Works of Anton Chekhov (Illustrated) (419 page)

SCENE XI

The same and KHROUSCHOV

KHROUSCHOV (shouting): Ilya Ilyich!

DYADIN: Here! What is it you want?

KHROUSCHOV: I can’t walk, let me have your horse.

SONYA (recognizing KHROUSCHOV, and crying out joyfully):

Mikhail Lvovich! (To ORLOVSKY) GO away, godpa dear, I have something to say to him. (To KHROUSCHOV) Mikhail Lvovich, you said that you would love another. ... (To ORLOVSKY) GO away, godpa! ... (To KHROUSCHOV) I am another now ... I only want the truth... Nothing,

nothing but the truth! I love you, I love you, I love . . .

ORLOVSKY: Now I see!
   
(Laughing.)

DYADIN: That is fascinating!

SONYA (to ORLOVSKY): Go away, godpa dear! (To KHROUSCHOV) Yes, yes, only the truth and nothing else! . . .

Speak then, speak! . . . I’ve said everything. . . .

KHROUSCHOV (embracing her): My darling!

SONYA: Don’t go, godpa dear! . . . When you told me of your love, I panted for joy, but I was fettered by prejudices.

I was prevented from giving you a true answer just as father is prevented from smiling on Elena. Now I am free! . . .

ORLOVSKY (laughing aloud): Singing in tune at last!

Scrambled out on to the bank! I have the honour to congratulate

you. (Bowing low). Ah, you naughty, naughty children!

DYADIN (embracing KHROUSCHOV): Misha, my dear boy,

how glad you make me! Misha, dear boy!

ORLOVSKY (embracing and kissing SONYA): My darling, my little canary! . . . My dear little goddaughter! (SONYA

laughs aloud.) Now you’ve started!

KHROUSCHOV: I can hardly grasp it all! . . . Let me have a word with her. Don’t get in our way... Pray, go away! . .

ENTER FYODOR AND JULIE.

SCENE XII

THE SAME, FYODOR, AND JULIE

JULIE: But it’s all a fib, Fyodor dear! You’re fibbing!

ORLOVSKY: Sh-h! Quiet, boys! My rascal is coming here. Let us hide ourselves, quick! Do!

(ORLOVSKY, DYADIN, KHROUSCHOV, and SONYA hide themselves.)

FYODOR: I left my whip and gloves here.

JULIE: But it’s all” a fib!

FYODOR: Well, let it be a fib! . . . What of it? I don’t want to go to your house yet... Let’s walk for a while,

and then we will go. . . .

JULIE: You are a nuisance! (Clapping her hands.) Now,

isn’t that Waffle a silly! The table is not yet cleared! Someone

might have stolen the samovar... Oh, Waffle, Waffle — an old man, and yet he has less sense than a baby!

DYADIN (aside): Thanks!

JULIE: As we came up I heard someone laughing. . . .

FYODOR: It’s the peasant women bathing! . . . (Picking up a glove) Here’s someone’s glove... Sonya’s... Today

Sonya behaved as though she were bitten by a fly. She’s in love with the Wood Demon. She’s in love with him up to her eyes, and he, the blockhead, does not see it!

JULIE (angrily): Where are we going then?

FYODOR: To the dyke... Let’s go for a walk. . . .

There’s no finer spot in the whole district... Beautiful!

ORLOVSKY (aside): My sonny, my beauty, his fine beard!...

JULIE: I just heard a voice.

FYODOR (reciting): “ Here are wonders, the Wood Demon loiters, the mermaid sits on the branches.” . . . Yes, old chap!
      
(Clapping her on the shoulder.)

JULIE: I’m not a chap.

FYODOR: Let us reason it out peacefully. Listen, Julie dear! I’ve gone through fire and water. ... I am already thirty-five, and have no status except that of lieutenant in the Serbian army and non-com. in the Russian reserve. I’m dangling between the sky and the earth. ... I must change my mode of life, and you see . . . do you understand, I’ve now a fancy in my head that if I were to marry, a huge change will happen in my life! ... Do marry me, do! I ask for no one better. . . .

JULIE (confused): H’m! . . . You see . . . you first reform,

Fyodor dear.

FYODOR: Well, don’t bargain like a gipsy! Speak straight out!

JULIE: I’m shy! . . . (Looking round.) Stop, someone might come in or overhear us! ... I believe Waffle is looking

through the window.

FYODOR: There’s no one.

JULIE (falling on his neck): Fedenka!

(SONYA laughs aloud; ORLOVSKY, DYADIN, and KHROUSCHOV

laugh, clap their hands and shout: “ Bravo!

Bravo! “)

FYODOR: Ugh! How you frightened us! Where did you come from?

SONYA: Julie dear, I congratulate you! And you may congratulate me! . . .
 
(Laughter, kisses, noise.)

DYADIN: That is fascinating! That is fascinating!

CURTAIN

OR

THE FESTIVITIES

CHARACTERS

The action takes place at the Bank

[The private office of the Chairman of Directors. On the left is a door, leading into the public department. There are two desks. The furniture aims at a deliberately luxurious effect, with armchairs covered in velvet, flowers, statues, carpets, and a telephone. It is midday. KHIRIN is alone; he wears long felt boots, and is shouting through the door.]

KHIRIN. Send out to the chemist for 15 copecks’ worth of valerian drops, and tell them to bring some drinking water into the Directors’ office! This is the hundredth time I’ve asked!
[Goes to a desk]
I’m absolutely tired out. This is the fourth day I’ve been working, without a chance of shutting my eyes. From morning to evening I work here, from evening to morning at home.
[Coughs]
And I’ve got an inflammation all over me. I’m hot and cold, and I cough, and my legs ache, and there’s something dancing before my eyes.
[Sits]
Our scoundrel of a Chairman, the brute, is going to read a report at a general meeting. “Our Bank, its Present and Future.” You’d think he was a Gambetta....
[At work]
Two... one... one... six... nought... seven.... Next, six... nought... one... six.... He just wants to throw dust into people’s eyes, and so I sit here and work for him like a galley-slave! This report of his is poetic fiction and nothing more, and here I’ve got to sit day after day and add figures, devil take his soul! [Rattles on his counting-frame] I can’t stand it!
[Writing]
That is, one... three... seven... two... one... nought.... He promised to reward me for my work. If everything goes well to-day and the public is properly put into blinkers, he’s promised me a gold charm and 300 roubles bonus.... We’ll see.
[Works]
Yes, but if my work all goes for nothing, then you’d better look out.... I’m very excitable.... If I lose my temper I’m capable of committing some crime, so look out! Yes!

[Noise and applause behind the scenes. SHIPUCHIN’S voice: “Thank you! Thank you! I am extremely grateful.” Enter SHIPUCHIN. He wears a frockcoat and white tie; he carries an album which has been just presented to him.]

SHIPUCHIN. [At the door, addresses the outer office] This present, my dear colleagues, will be preserved to the day of my death, as a memory of the happiest days of my life! Yes, gentlemen! Once more, I thank you! [Throws a kiss into the air and turns to KHIRIN] My dear, my respected Kusma Nicolaievitch!

[All the time that SHIPUCHIN is on the stage, clerks intermittently come in with papers for his signature and go out.]

KHIRIN.
[Standing up]
I have the honour to congratulate you, Andrey Andreyevitch, on the fiftieth anniversary of our Bank, and hope that...

SHIPUCHIN.
[Warmly shakes hands]
Thank you, my dear sir! Thank you! I think that in view of the unique character of the day, as it is an anniversary, we may kiss each other!...
[They kiss]
I am very, very glad! Thank you for your service... for everything! If, in the course of the time during which I have had the honour to be Chairman of this Bank anything useful has been done, the credit is due, more than to anybody else, to my colleagues.
[Sighs]
Yes, fifteen years! Fifteen years as my name’s Shipuchin!
[Changes his tone]
Where’s my report? Is it getting on?

KHIRIN. Yes; there’s only five pages left.

SHIPUCHIN. Excellent. Then it will be ready by three?

KHIRIN. If nothing occurs to disturb me, I’ll get it done. Nothing of any importance is now left.

SHIPUCHIN. Splendid. Splendid, as my name’s Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. If you please, my dear fellow. Give me the first half, I’ll peruse it.... Quick....
[Takes the report]
I base enormous hopes on this report. It’s my
profession de foi
, or, better still, my firework. [Note: The actual word employed.] My firework, as my name’s Shipuchin! [Sits and reads the report to himself] I’m hellishly tired.... My gout kept on giving me trouble last night, all the morning I was running about, and then these excitements, ovations, agitations... I’m tired!

KHIRIN. Two... nought... nought... three... nine... two... nought. I can’t see straight after all these figures.... Three... one... six... four... one... five.... [Uses the counting-frame.]

SHIPUCHIN. Another unpleasantness.... This morning your wife came to see me and complained about you once again. Said that last night you threatened her and her sister with a knife. Kusma Nicolaievitch, what do you mean by that? Oh, oh!

KHIRIN.
[Rudely]
As it’s an anniversary, Andrey Andreyevitch, I’ll ask for a special favour. Please, even if it’s only out of respect for my toil, don’t interfere in my family life. Please!

SHIPUCHIN.
[Sighs]
Yours is an impossible character, Kusma Nicolaievitch! You’re an excellent and respected man, but you behave to women like some scoundrel. Yes, really. I don’t understand why you hate them so?

KHIRIN. I wish I could understand why you love them so!
[Pause.]

SHIPUCHIN. The employees have just presented me with an album; and the Directors, as I’ve heard, are going to give me an address and a silver loving-cup....
[Playing with his monocle]
Very nice, as my name’s Shipuchin! It isn’t excessive. A certain pomp is essential to the reputation of the Bank, devil take it! You know everything, of course.... I composed the address myself, and I bought the cup myself, too.... Well, then there was 45 roubles for the cover of the address, but you can’t do without that. They’d never have thought of it for themselves.
[Looks round]
Look at the furniture! Just look at it! They say I’m stingy, that all I want is that the locks on the doors should be polished, that the employees should wear fashionable ties, and that a fat hall-porter should stand by the door. No, no, sirs. Polished locks and a fat porter mean a good deal. I can behave as I like at home, eat and sleep like a pig, get drunk....

KHIRIN. Please don’t make hints.

SHIPUCHIN. Nobody’s making hints! What an impossible character yours is.... As I was saying, at home I can live like a tradesman, a
parvenu
, and be up to any games I like, but here everything must be
en grand
. This is a Bank! Here every detail must
imponiren
, so to speak, and have a majestic appearance. [He picks up a paper from the floor and throws it into the fireplace] My service to the Bank has been just this — I’ve raised its reputation. A thing of immense importance is tone! Immense, as my name’s Shipuchin!
[Looks over KHIRIN]
My dear man, a deputation of shareholders may come here any moment, and there you are in felt boots, wearing a scarf... in some absurdly coloured jacket.... You might have put on a frock-coat, or at any rate a dark jacket....

KHIRIN. My health matters more to me than your shareholders. I’ve an inflammation all over me.

SHIPUCHIN.
[Excitedly]
But you will admit that it’s untidy! You spoil the
ensemble
!

KHIRIN. If the deputation comes I can go and hide myself. It won’t matter if... seven... one... seven... two... one... five... nought. I don’t like untidiness myself.... Seven... two... nine... [Uses the counting-frame] I can’t stand untidiness! It would have been wiser of you not to have invited ladies to to-day’s anniversary dinner....

SHIPUCHIN. Oh, that’s nothing.

KHIRIN. I know that you’re going to have the hall filled with them to-night to make a good show, but you look out, or they’ll spoil everything. They cause all sorts of mischief and disorder.

SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary, feminine society elevates!

KHIRIN. Yes.... Your wife seems intelligent, but on the Monday of last week she let something off that upset me for two days. In front of a lot of people she suddenly asks: “Is it true that at our Bank my husband bought up a lot of the shares of the Driazhsky-Priazhsky Bank, which have been falling on exchange? My husband is so annoyed about it!” This in front of people. Why do you tell them everything, I don’t understand. Do you want them to get you into serious trouble?

SHIPUCHIN. Well, that’s enough, enough! All that’s too dull for an anniversary. Which reminds me, by the way.
[Looks at the time]
My wife ought to be here soon. I really ought to have gone to the station, to meet the poor little thing, but there’s no time.... and I’m tired. I must say I’m not glad of her! That is to say, I am glad, but I’d be gladder if she only stayed another couple of days with her mother. She’ll want me to spend the whole evening with her to-night, whereas we have arranged a little excursion for ourselves....
[Shivers]
Oh, my nerves have already started dancing me about. They are so strained that I think the very smallest trifle would be enough to make me break into tears! No, I must be strong, as my name’s Shipuchin!

[Enter TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA SHIPUCHIN in a waterproof, with a little travelling satchel slung across her shoulder.]

SHIPUCHIN. Ah! In the nick of time!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Darling!

[Runs to her husband: a prolonged kiss.]

SHIPUCHIN. We were only speaking of you just now!
[Looks at his watch.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
[Panting]
Were you very dull without me? Are you well? I haven’t been home yet, I came here straight from the station. I’ve a lot, a lot to tell you.... I couldn’t wait.... I shan’t take off my clothes, I’ll only stay a minute.
[To KHIRIN]
Good morning, Kusma Nicolaievitch!
[To her husband]
Is everything all right at home?

SHIPUCHIN. Yes, quite. And, you know, you’ve got to look plumper and better this week.... Well, what sort of a time did you have?

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Splendid. Mamma and Katya send their regards. Vassili Andreitch sends you a kiss.
[Kisses him]
Aunt sends you a jar of jam, and is annoyed because you don’t write. Zina sends you a kiss.
[Kisses.]
Oh, if you knew what’s happened. If you only knew! I’m even frightened to tell you! Oh, if you only knew! But I see by your eyes that you’re sorry I came!

SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary.... Darling....
[Kisses her.]

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, poor Katya, poor Katya! I’m so sorry for her, so sorry for her.

SHIPUCHIN. This is the Bank’s anniversary to-day, darling, we may get a deputation of the shareholders at any moment, and you’re not dressed.

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, yes, the anniversary! I congratulate you, gentlemen. I wish you.... So it means that to-day’s the day of the meeting, the dinner.... That’s good. And do you remember that beautiful address which you spent such a long time composing for the shareholders? Will it be read to-day?

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

SHIPUCHIN.
[Confused]
My dear, we don’t talk about these things. You’d really better go home.

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. In a minute, in a minute. I’ll tell you everything in one minute and go. I’ll tell you from the very beginning. Well.... When you were seeing me off, you remember I was sitting next to that stout lady, and I began to read. I don’t like to talk in the train. I read for three stations and didn’t say a word to anyone.... Well, then the evening set in, and I felt so mournful, you know, with such sad thoughts! A young man was sitting opposite me — not a bad-looking fellow, a brunette.... Well, we fell into conversation.... A sailor came along then, then some student or other....
[Laughs]
I told them that I wasn’t married... and they did look after me! We chattered till midnight, the brunette kept on telling the most awfully funny stories, and the sailor kept on singing. My chest began to ache from laughing. And when the sailor — oh, those sailors! — when he got to know my name was TATIANA, you know what he sang?
[Sings in a bass voice]
“Onegin don’t let me conceal it, I love Tatiana madly!” [Note: From the Opera
Evgeni Onegin
— words by Pushkin.]
[Roars with laughter.]