Defending My Mobster (BWWM Romance) (33 page)

“You have absolutely no right to talk about my personal life like that. What the hell, man? You’re usually so pro-old-days, and now suddenly you take their side?”

“This isn’t about racism!” My voice rose, and I was sure the cubicles close to my office could hear the conversation. I walked around my desk and closed the door.

“Then what are you..." Harry stopped mid-sentence, and I watched as his brain whirred, putting together pieces of the puzzle.

“She’s your new goose, isn’t she?”

I huffed at the term. Goose was derogatory. But Harry knew he was onto something. His mouth curled with a knowing smile, and his eyes shimmered with the news.

“I can’t believe this! How long have you been keeping this a secret? Man, the lines would have buzzed with this one, not even you can keep things this quiet. It has to be new. Is it new?”

“Harry,” I warned in a low voice.

“Hey, if you’re worried I’m going to tell someone, I won’t. I know I can be a dick. But this is bigger than you and me, pal. You’re the Marketing Strategist. You don’t think along the same lines as Cole, your ass is toast. And what about your mother? You think that big fat inheritance is going to stay yours?”

“I have my own money,” I said coldly. He’d nailed the one thing that had been gnawing at the back of my mind.

“Uh-huh, sure.”

Harry ginned and jammed his hands into his pockets after he pulled open the door.

“Wow,” he muttered sauntered out of my office. I was left behind with the wind sucked out of my sails. What was I going to do?

I met Alyssa at Outer Limits for dinner. It was our place. It was where it all started. She could get around town easier now. In the three months we’d been dating, she’d found her way around Johannesburg, and she didn’t look so lost anymore. She would never be a South African, her blood was American through and through, but that was what I loved about her.

Something the total opposite of what I’d had my whole life was exactly what I’d always needed.

But tonight my mood was dark. It felt like an anvil rested on my chest, and I struggled to pay attention to what she was saying to me.

When our food arrived, Alyssa looked at me, concerned.

“Is everything okay?” she asked. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.”

“I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I sighed heavily. Did I?

“Harry found out about us today,” I said.

She looked taken aback for a moment.

“How?”

“I was stupid, I slipped up.” Might as well admit the truth.

She was silent for a moment, pushing her food around her plate. Then she nodded slowly.

“This isn’t a bad thing, really,” she said. “It had to get out at some point, right?” We’ve been together for three months now.”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t agree?”

“Well…” How was I going to say this? “I would have preferred to keep it on a down-low.”

“Why? Don’t you think at some point our relationship has to be accepted?”

“This can really dent my reputation, babe,” I said. “I know it's different over in the States, but my boss Cole is a hard-ass straight from the old school.”

She dropped her fork and looked at me with incredulity in her eyes.

“What?”

“I don’t know how to do this without it changing everything for me.”

She swallowed hard, like she’d still had food in her mouth. She took the napkin from her lap and bunched it up, twisted it in between her fingers. She was trying to keep a lid on her emotions.

“I thought we were bigger than this,” she said, and I could tell she was straining to keep her voice calm. “It’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. People who work together date all the time.”

“It’s not just that…” How was I going to explain to her what I felt? “Look, you’re amazing,” I said, looking around the restaurant. The tables were all full, the restaurant was bustling on a Friday. So many people to witness a fight.“You really are great. I just don’t know how to bring the two worlds together.”

“What two worlds?”

“My work life and my personal life.”

“What are you saying?” she asked, when I wasn’t even sure what I was saying myself. “Don’t you want to be with me?”

“I do, of course I do.” I put my hand on hers. “But the company… moreover, my family… this isn’t going to go down well. They’re going to make things so difficult for us. And you don’t deserve it.” Make it about her. That’s what it was about, wasn’t it? Save her, too, not just me? Otherwise it felt like I was being selfish, and by the look on her face I didn’t know if I could bare the guilt.

“I don’t care about all that,” she said, her voice unstable. “I want to be with you. Coming here and adjusting to life in South Africa was hard and I made it, didn’t I? Surely I can get through this? We both can, if we do it together. Isn’t that wasn’t important? That we do it
together
?”

I looked down at my plate. I hadn’t touched my food. It was probably cold now.

“My mother will never accept you. She’s not going to be open-minded about the whole crossing-borders thing. I can’t..."

“You don’t want to date me, because your mother, who lives miles away, won’t approve? God Nate, how old are you?” She pulled her hand from underneath mine. I took my own hand back, aware of the looks we were starting to collect from nearby tables.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just don’t think I can do this. Not long term.”

I gulped down the last to sips of Coke at the bottom of my glass, and stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked, her voice pleading now.

“I can’t do this,” I said again. “I’ll get the bill on the way out.”

I turned and left her at the table, alone. Yes, the other people would notice. Yes, I’d just broken her heart in the worst way possible. But I had to save myself.

After I’d paid at the counter, I walked to my car. Saved myself from what? I wondered.

I pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom’s number.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Nate! Is everything alright?” It was unusual for me to call.

“Yeah, fine,” I said, not bothering to elaborate because there was nothing I could add that wouldn’t be a lie. “I was thinking of coming down for a visit. That okay?”

“Oh, that would be wonderful!” she cooed.

“I’m leaving in the morning.”

My mom started asking questions, but I hung up. Getting out of this place for a while, away from the havoc and chaos and the emptiness that had already opened up in my chest, was a great idea. I couldn't deal with this. Not any of it.

Chapter 5 - Alyssa

I sat on the bathroom floor, my back against the side of the bath, sobbing. My chest hurt, it felt like there was a hole where my heart had been. My streaky make-up was caked and sticky on my cheeks from the tears, and I wadded up another handful of toilet paper and blew my nose.

He’d left me. He couldn’t deal with this...whatever
this
was, and he’d left me. I felt like I was coming undone at the seams.

Everything had been so perfect, where had it all gone wrong? In my entire life I’d never met someone so much like me as Nate. He was a kindred spirit, as they say. Someone who understood me without me having to say anything.

He’d grown up in a world where everything had come easy. An only-child, a family with enough money, even if his parents were divorced, a path ahead that had been paved with golden promise.

My life? I had grown up in a bad neighborhood in New York with seven people in a two bedroom apartment. You would think with so many people in a cramped environment, there would always be someone to talk to, but I always felt alone, and vulnerable. My father had left when I was two, and my mother was an alcoholic. I’d managed to get through school, got a bursary at a community college and filled in the extras with a part-time job, and when the opportunity came I’d fled, and built a real life for myself. Stood on my own two feet, yet here I was feeling so lonely again, so vulnerable.

Nate and I were the opposite in every way.

And still I felt he understood me. And he’d told me things no one else knew.

More tears spilled over my cheeks, and my throat was tight. Nausea turned in my stomach. I’d been feeling off since he’d broken the news. I struggled to swallow. I struggled to breathe. I struggled to see any kind of future.

I picked up my phone again, and pressed redial. I expected his phone to keep ringing until I got his voicemail again. That was what had happened the past ten times I’d tried.

This time, though, it went straight through to voicemail.

You’ve reached Nathan Moore. I’m out of town until the eighteenth of March. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I’m in the office again.

I curled up in a ball on the bath mat, and closed my eyes.

Monday morning I felt like death warmed up. I looked in the mirror. My eyes were swollen from crying so much, and my braids were fuzzy, small hairs escaping from the perfect strings. My stomach wasn’t turning as much as it had been, but I could feel it just below the surface, waiting. I sighed and dressed for work.

When I got in the office, Sarah was waiting for me in my cubicle. I groaned inwardly. I didn’t have the energy to deal with her today.

“Your reports are late,” she said crisply. I just nodded. She narrowed her eyes at me.

“Are you unwell?”

“I’m feeling under the weather, yes.” Heartbreak didn’t count as a disease, but maybe I could fall back on the nausea that didn’t seem to go away.

She raised her eyebrows a little. “Well, make sure you get better. We have a lot to do around here, and after such a short time you can’t afford too much time off. I want those reports on my desk before lunch.”

I nodded, and she turned and marched out of my cubicle.

“Ice queen,” I muttered. I sat down and covered my face with my hands, dragging them down, rubbing my face.

“Darling,” Carol called from her cubicle in a sing-songy voice. When I didn’t answer, she popped her head over the partition and looked at me. Her hair was tied up in an arty bun on the top of her head, her eye shadow a brilliant green.

“What’s wrong?” she asked when she saw me. “You look like hell.”

“Yeah, from Sarah’s scrutiny I gathered as much,” I answered. Carol walked round and stood in front of me, hands on her hips, brow wrinkled.

“Flu?”

“Heartbreak."

She cocked her head to the side, and then leaned against my desk. I tried to keep my face void of expression, tried to look her in the eye, but a lump pushed up in my throat, and the next thing I knew my face crumpled and I broke down in a fresh rain of tears.

“Oh, honey. I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone,” she said, kneeling in front of me and putting her hands on my knees. “Tell me what happened? Did he break up with you?”

I nodded, hiccupping through my tears. I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands, make-up to hell.

“Why?”

“He couldn’t deal with the consequences of us being together.”

Carol looked confused.

“He’s said it was because of his reputation and his family. But I'm not stupid, I think it's a race thing. He’s white, but I mean I thought things were different now in South Africa", I explained, and a knowing look crossed her face. She nodded slowly.

“You don’t think he’ll change his mind?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No. He won’t. It’s…” I might just as well tell her. What did I have to lose?

“It’s Nate. From Marketing.”

She had a blank look on her face.

“Nate?” she asked. “My cousin, Nate?”

I nodded. He hadn’t told any of his family about us. Now I understood why. It hadn’t been about me and my safety, protecting me. It had been about him. Protecting his reputation.