Deep Surrendering (8 page)

“My intentions are entirely honorable,” he said, sounding like he was quoting Jane Austen. For all I knew, he was.

“Bullshit,” Chloe said, jabbing her finger at him. “I may be a lesbian, but I know more about how men tick than you’d think.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it for a second,” he said.

I had to put a stop to this.

“Okay, pissing contest over. I’m standing right here, and neither one of you owns me. I refuse to be fought over.” They both sort of blinked at me as if I’d just announced I was renouncing my worldly possessions and moving to a convent.

“So no more of that. You’ll have to learn how to share. Sharing is caring.” I sipped my wine and went to sit on the couch. I grabbed a blanket and put it over myself, using it to hide my yoga pants and nippleage.

It only took a few moments for the other two to come join me. I saw a little battle when it came to who got to sit next to me on the couch, and who got the chair. Fin gestured to the couch, stepping back to let Chloe sit with me.

I just rolled my eyes. Honestly.

Chloe didn’t stay long, but it was enough time to make the entire room thick with tension and weirdness.

It had been so much easier at the bar, where there were more people and poor lighting, and I’d also had a few more drinks in me. Plus, my outfit had been much cuter.

“Welp, I think I should be heading out,” Chloe said, stretching and taking her empty wineglass to the sink.

“Don’t leave because of me,” Fin said.

“Look, can we all agree that this is an awkward situation and just pretend it never happened? Please?” I asked, getting up to do…something.

“Sure. I’ll call you tomorrow, babe,” Chloe said, holding her arms out for a hug. “Call me if you need
anything
,” she whispered in my ear.

“Why would I need anything? Are you afraid to leave me alone with him?” She was acting strange, and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

“Excuse us,” I said before I dragged her to my bedroom and shut the door. “What’s going on? Other than the weirdness that just happened in my living room.” I made her sit down on my bed. “Is there something wrong with him?”

She shook her head immediately. “No, there’s nothing wrong with him other than the fact that he likes you and I’m jealous. There, I said it. I’m a terrible jealous person.”

That was unexpected.

“Chlo, I’ve had boyfriends before, if you’ll recall.” So it had been a while ago, but I’d definitely had boyfriends and gone on dates. She’d never acted this way before.

“I know you’ve had boyfriends. But this one is…different. He’s different. There’s a fire between you two.”

“Chemistry,” I said.

“Right. Chemistry. I mean, I saw it at the bar, but it’s even more obvious now. Like, if I wasn’t here, you two would shoot towards each other like magnets and be stuck together forever.” That was quite a humorous visual and I almost laughed.

“It scares me, okay?” She looked down at the floor and her voice got soft, which was rare. Usually Chloe’s emotions were bright and loud and you knew what she was feeling. But this was something more vulnerable.

“You’re afraid to lose me?” I sat down next to her and put my head on her shoulder.

“No,” she said in a tone that told me she really meant “yes.”

“How would you lose me? Am I not allowed to have a man and a best friend in my life? Is there not enough of me to go around?” She sighed and laid back on my bed, and I followed her movement so we were both staring up at my ceiling.

I hoped Fin was okay all alone in my living room.

“You know what happens when girls get boyfriends. It’s inevitable. They end up spending less time with their friends and more time with the guy. I’m being completely and totally selfish, but I don’t care. I’m a wreck without you, Mari. Look at how everything went down with Harmony. I don’t know if I would have made it through without you. You’re my port in a storm.” She sniffled, and I handed her a tissue from the box on my nightstand and snuggled closer to her.

She had been an absolute mess when Harmony turned out to be the bitch that I thought she was all along. I’d never told Chloe that I had a bad feeling about her from the first day, and I wasn’t going to say anything about it now.

“You would have made it, I promise. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And don’t forget, I will always love you. No guy is going to come between that, and if he tries, he’s an asshole and I’ll get rid of him. So don’t worry about losing me. I’m not going anywhere.” I rubbed her shoulder and she blew her nose and tossed the tissue in my wastebasket.

“If you tell anyone I had this little breakdown, I’ll kill you.” Chloe often threatened me as a form of showing endearment. I was so used to it by now that if she didn’t threaten me, I would have been worried.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good.” She sniffed again and I gave her a big hug before we both walked back into the living room to find Fin sipping wine and humming to himself.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

“Okay enough,” Chloe said. “See you later.” She gave both of us a little wave as she grabbed the wine bottle and moseyed out the door.

“You sure everything is okay?” he asked as I went and sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to me.

“Just a best friend thing.”

Once Chloe was gone, I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. There were these moments when it hit me how successful and gorgeous he was, and I felt like a total low class frump that had nothing in common with him. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help feeling that way. So I did the only logical thing. I got up from the couch and started cleaning the kitchen. It didn’t need cleaning, but I pretended.

I heard him get up and come and stand behind me.

“What are you doing?” I jumped because his voice was closer than I’d thought. I backed up one step and came flush up against his front.

“Cleaning,” I said, my voice coming out a little strangled.

“Looks clean already to me.” Reaching around, he took the sponge from my hand and dropped it into the sink before running his hands back up my arms, pressing me into the counter.

“I’m really liking what these pants do to your legs.” He breathed against my neck, and I could. Not. Move. Thoughts and words and all sorts of things were bursting in my brain and none of them made any sense. He pressed even harder against me and moved his hands down to my legs.

“I know we agreed to go slow, but that was before I saw you dressed like this. Not that you don’t look beautiful all polished, but I love you all…messy and rumpled.”

“So I look like crap?” My voice was a squeak as he used his hands to turn my body to face him. I almost caught my breath at the look in his eyes. There was no mistaking what they were filled with.

Dark, hot lust.

“No, you look completely vulnerable and delectable.”

I definitely felt vulnerable. Not sure yet about the delectable part.

He reached behind my head and undid my hair, letting it tumble over my shoulders. He ran his hands through it. “Do you want me to go? I could, if I really tried. We could hit pause. It’s up to you.” The ball was in my court. Great. I liked that it was up to me.

“I…I want…” What the hell did I want? Him, that was for sure. Every cell of mine was drawn to him. That didn’t mean it was a good choice. I always thought about my decisions. Considered every angle, made pro and con lists. There wasn’t really time for that right now.

“Sweet Marisol, I can see you fighting a battle in your head. Why don’t you talk it out with me?”

“Talk it out? With you?” How absurd.

“It might help you make your decision.” He stepped away from me, but took my hand and led me back to the couch. I sat down on one end, and he sat on the other.

“What are the reasons you want me to stay?” I swallowed a few times before I answered.

“Because I’m attracted to you. Very much. You’re interesting, and I love the way you look at me, and I think we have something between us that’s worth exploring.” He nodded and I saw him try and hide a goofy grin.

“Okay, and what are the reasons to not ask me to stay?” These were harder to say out loud.

“Because I don’t know you. Because you’re basically a stranger. Because something could happen that I might regret. Because I have no idea if you’ve been tested for STDs. Because my mother would be ashamed of me. Because I’m not the girl who sleeps with the guy she’s just met. Because sometimes you scare me. Because of that thing you said when you left about doing things that would make my skin crawl. Because I’m scared you’ll hurt me. Because I’m scared I’ll fall for you.” The words rushed from my mouth, the water from a punctured hose, spraying everywhere. I hadn’t meant to tell him half of those things, but they came out anyway.

He leaned forward and braced his forearms on his knees, and was silent for so long I wondered where he’d gone in his head.

“Those are all valid reasons. And I know you’re scared of me. I’m scared of you, too. I’m scared of what I might do to you. I’m a dark person, Marisol. I don’t want to drag you down here with me.” It was so hard to believe, those words he said about being dark. How could a dark person bring me a sweet present and make me laugh? How could I be attracted to someone like that?

“How would you hurt me?”

He finally looked up. “Because there are things I want to do to you, and with you, that I don’t think you’d want me to. That you wouldn’t be ready for. As I said, I’ve done things that would make your skin crawl.” Now I was getting the picture of what he was talking about. What his “darkness” was. It made my heart pound and my stomach flip over.

“It seems like you’ve made your decision, so I’ll leave now. I understand if you don’t want to see me again. I won’t contact you. I promise you this time. Goodbye, Marisol.” He got up and headed toward the door. I had only a few seconds to make my decision.

“Wait. Don’t go.”

My head told me I was insane. That this was a bad idea. That he was wrong for me, no good for me, dangerous for me.

But all those thoughts went away when I saw his face as he turned back around.

“Are you sure? Because there will be no going back. This is your decision. I will respect it.” His eyes were completely unreadable. I could tell he was trying not to influence my decision. Oh, but he did. If he wasn’t here, in the flesh, saying no to him would be a hell of a lot easier.

I probably still wouldn’t be able to.

“Stay. Please.”

He exhaled slowly. “Okay.”

Be careful what you ask for.

Once Fin decided he was going to stay, I had no idea what to do. With him or me.

“I’m all yours. Do what you will, Marisol. I’m yours to command.” He came back over and sat on the couch, a smile playing on his lips. He was definitely pleased that I’d asked him to stay. It was a shift from the guy he’d been a few minutes ago. He was hard to keep up with.

“Oh, it’s up to me, is it? And you’ll do whatever I want?”

He nodded slowly. “Whatever you want.”

I tapped my chin and got up from the couch, walking until I was standing behind him. “I’ve never been in this predicament before. The mind reels with possibilities.” I leaned down until my head was right next to his. He turned to the side so we were almost face-to-face.