Deep in the Heart (47 page)

The pause stretched between them, widening with each passing second. “I’d been to a conference all week. Bonnie didn’t want to come, but they were having a big party on Saturday night, and I talked her into coming anyway. I told her it was important for my work. She didn’t want to. She wanted to stay… with you. It was some… I don’t know. Something at school.”

“
The Star Parade.” Keith hadn’t thought of that in years, but he remembered how disappointed he was that not even his mom was there. Thinking back now, he didn’t really remember who had taken him, just that he was on stage with no one who loved him in the audience.

“
She thought it was important. I told her there would be others. Besides, she didn’t have to go to every single one. Of course, she didn’t like that much. You know your mom.”

That didn’t surprise Keith. She was always there. Always. Even if his dad wasn’t.

The tone in his father’s voice grew more somber. “I’d been drinking at the party. I always drank at parties back then. It was what you did. It was what everybody did. But then we left, and I took a wrong turn. Bonnie kept telling me I was going the wrong direction and to turn around. She was all panicked and telling me we would never find our way back because it was dark, and we had no idea where we were. But I thought I knew best. I always knew best, and I was going to show her I didn’t need her help or anybody else’s.”

In Keith’s mind the car careened through the darkness barreling down on the stop sign Keith knew was at the end of that road. He braced himself for the impact as if he was there.

“
They said there was a stop sign. I guess there was. I never saw it.” A pause slid through the story. “The next thing I remember is holding Bonnie. There was blood everywhere and lights and people. I don’t know where they all came from. They were telling me I had to let her go, that they’d take care of her, but I knew… I knew even then she was gone.”

The other car, twisted and gnarled, crept into Keith’s consciousness. “What about the others?”

That brought his father’s memories to a halt. “Others?”

“
In the other car.”

The pause lasted much longer than Keith had expected. “How did you know about that?”

“
James and Christina Montgomery.” Keith let the names seep into the dismal air between them. “Maggie’s parents.”

Everything stopped, and then his father turned to him almost without moving. “Maggie? Are you sure?”

“
May 7
^th
. They were going to pick her up.”

“
But how…? How long have you known?”

“
Couple of weeks.”

“
And you didn’t say anything?”

“
I didn’t know how.”

“
Does Maggie know?”

“
No, and now she’s gone.” Keith let that go through him, and it unleashed the pain in every cell it met. He pushed it back, knowing that even the hurt wouldn’t bring her back. “It’s probably for the best. She deserved better than me anyway.”

His father’s gaze drifted over to him. “I don’t know about that. I think you’d be as good for her as she is for you.”

Incomprehension smashed through Keith, and his gaze went to his father’s. “What does that mean?”

The older man’s gaze went back to the yard. “It means I’m proud of you.”

The word cracked over him. “Proud? Of me? Why?”

“
Because you know who you are, you know what you want. Heck, you stood up to Lee Ferrell who’s eaten my lunch more than once.” His father’s smile was filled with sadness. “You are who I always wanted to be.”

Keith wasn’t following. He kept hitting brick walls of how he’d always thought things were. “But you always wanted me to be you.”

The laugh was barely there. “That was the problem. You
were
me. The drinking, the partying, the living on the edge. I was never really sure you weren’t going to blunder it all just like I did until…”

“
Until?”

His smile was thoughtful. “You hadn’t been to church since she died, had you?”

Keith’s gaze fled out the window to the relative safety it provided. “No. Had you?”

Soft enveloped the answer. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t face Him with what I’d done to her… and to you.”

So many days Keith had spent believing his father hated him when in fact he loved him too much to trust himself to do it right. “Well, maybe we could go sometime. You and me.”

There was surprise in the glance. “You think they wouldn’t throw me out?”

“
Hey, they didn’t throw me out.”

They stood like that then—father and son looking out on a world they had created as it was dismantled.

“
Have you talked to Maggie?”

The thought knifed through Keith. “I don’t even know where she is. I called her foster mom, but she hasn’t heard from her since she left for here. I called Greg. He doesn’t know where she is either.”

His father thought for a long moment. “I’m sorry to hear that… for you and for the kids.”

The kids. The pain ached deeper. He’d messed things up for them too. “Who’s with them?”

“
The little girl who had them at the wedding.”

“
Jamie?”

“
Is that her name?”

Keith nodded. It was crazy how badly he missed them. “Do you mind if I go see them? Just to say hi.”

“
I’m sure they would love it.”

“
So we’re good?” Keith held out his hand.

With a nod, his father shook his hand. “Yes. We’re good.”

When Keith got to the kids’ door upstairs, he had to steel himself to face the scene on the other side. He knew even before he got there that seeing them without Maggie would be visual verification of just how stupid he had been. He pushed the door open, and Isabella was the first one to see him.

“
Keef!” She scrambled to her feet and toddled over to him with her arms out the whole way.

He dropped to his knees and wrapped her into himself. “Hey, baby girl.” He stood with her in his arms, and on the other side of the room, Jamie stood as well.

She pulled her jersey down over her jeans nervously. “Hi, Mr. Ayer. Umm have you heard from Maggie?”

Keith put his nose into Isabella’s hair and breathed in the baby smell. “No. Unfortunately not.”

“
I’m sorry.”

He tried to smile, but it hurt.

Peter walked to Keith, rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Maggie?”

He knelt and put his arm around Peter. “Well, buddy. I’m not real sure.”

“
Is she coming back?”

Keith looked at Jamie. “I don’t know.”

“
But I need her to come pray with me. I don’t know how.”

As much as he wanted to, he didn’t have a good answer for that. “Well, I’ll tell you what, I’ll come up and pray with you later… if you want me to.”

Peter looked unsure. “Really?”

“
Really.”

Sunday night, true to his word, Keith knelt beside Peter’s bed. He’d told Jamie he would put the child to bed, so she had left them alone. He took Peter’s hand, and the large eyes stared at him, afraid but trusting.

“
Dear Lord, we know that You know things we can’t, so we’re going to trust that You have a plan all worked out for this. But Lord, we’re really worried about Maggie. We don’t know where she is, or how she is, so please if there is a way, bring her back to us because we need her, Lord. We really do. Please bless everyone that we love and hold them in Your hands tonight.”

The prayer stopped, and he looked down at Peter.

“
What about the boys and girls part?” Peter asked.

Fear nudged into Keith. “I don’t know that part.”

So Peter took over. “Please be with all the boys and girls in the world who are hurting or alone. Let them know that You love them as much as You love us. Amen.”

“
Amen,” Keith echoed. He stood and reached down with his fingers to touch the boy. “Good night, slugger.”

“’
Night, Keith. Thanks.” And Peter rolled over and closed his eyes.

Monday morning Keith was saying prayer after prayer as he drove to the stables. There was no telling what havoc his impromptu decision on Saturday had unleashed. Worse, he wasn’t even sure he still had a job. After all, it was now June 5
^th
, and he was supposed to have left for good on the third. His only defense was to act like nothing had happened and hope for the best.

In the stables he grabbed the hay and started his morning chores.

“
No,” Tanner said, coming out of the office. “I just checked, and it’s only half of what we ordered.”

“
I do not believe this…” But the sentence trailed off when Ike joined Tanner in staring at the cowboy currently feeding the horses. “Keith. What…? When did you get here?”

“
Just made it.” He threw the hay to Buck and rubbed the horse’s soft, cream head. “I thought I’d check into getting some new tires for the trailers today. Those ones you’re running are death traps.”

“
I…” Ike looked at Tanner who caught the message to give them some time.

“
I’ll just be checking the water by the track,” Tanner said, and Ike nodded.

Keith continued to throw hay, liking how it felt to do physical labor again. Two stalls and then three, and he was even with where Ike was standing.

“
So is that it then?” Ike asked, putting his hands on his waist over the brown belt. “You’re just going to pick up where you left off like nothing happened?”

Another two slabs of hay and Keith wiped off his hands. “You got a better idea?”

“
Well, one. You might tell me what happened, why you went off the deep end like that.”

“
I just came to my senses. That’s all.”

“
Yeah? Well, it looked to me like you lost your mind… again.”

Peace overtook Keith. “It must’ve been hard all those years trying to keep me in line.” Slowly he began to see the past as it really was. Keith making stupid decisions, and Ike trying desperately to keep them from killing him. Keith shook his head. “I know you’ve put yourself on the line for me more than once. And I know there are things you didn’t tell my dad so he wouldn’t know how lost I really was. I get that now. But I’m not a little kid any more, Ike. I need to make some decisions for myself.”

Ike snorted. “I’ve seen how you make decisions, and that doesn’t inspire confidence.”

“
That’s because I was the one making the decisions back then. I’m not anymore.”

The leather-tanned face fell in incomprehension, and Keith laughed.

“
Trust me, I know. I’ve made more rotten decisions than a guy should get to make in ten lifetimes, but I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t need the dumb decisions to fill the hole.”

“
Hole?” Ike’s expression was getting more worried by the second. “I don’t…”

Keith shook his head. “It’s something I’m learning… about filling the emptiness with the One it was meant to be filled by.”

“
And who’s that?”

“
God.” It seemed so very simple, but it had been so very hard to find.

“
God? I didn’t know you were religious.”

Keith laughed. “Neither did I.” His mind traced back. “Years ago, when Mom was here, we went to church a lot, not that I ever really liked it much back then, but I see now the stuff she was trying to teach me, the stuff she knew I needed for when things got rocky. Unfortunately I was a little too pigheaded to understand the gift she was giving me at the time, and when things got rough, it never occurred to me that God could help.”

“
And now you do?” The question was skeptical in every syllable.

“
Yeah. I see now that God was with me every step—even when I was being a complete idiot about everything. He was leading me here, letting me see that none of those things would ever bring me real happiness. I get that now, and to tell you the truth, I can’t wait to see where we’re going next.”

“
And your dad?”

A smile touched Keith’s heart. “We’re learning. We see the mistakes we’ve made, and we’re learning to forgive ourselves and each other.”

Ike didn’t look wholly convinced. “What about Maggie? I’m sure she was thrilled when you told her the thing with Dallas fell through.”

That sent Keith’s gaze crashing to the boards at his feet in a hail of hurt. “She left. I don’t know where she is.”

“
Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised. Why would she be any different than all the rest of them?”

It wasn’t anger so much as a need to get Ike to understand that went through Keith. “That’s just it. She was way different than the others. Maggie let me be me. She wasn’t impressed with the money or the cars. She could’ve cared less about a fancy house or a job with the right company. She had peace, and considering what she had been through… that was saying a lot.”

“
What she had been through? What does that mean?” The questions were harsh and full of judgment and condemnation.

However, there was no reason to keep it a secret any longer. It had been hidden far too long. “The wreck my dad had, the one that killed Mom? Maggie’s parents were in the other car. They were killed instantly.”