Deception Ebook EPUB 3-17-2014 (8 page)

Chapter 28

November 1985

H
e and I would call each other twice weekly, same day, same time. I would stand by the pay phone on my dorm floor, my hand on the handset, waiting for it to vibrate. After several weeks, the janitor caught on to our routine and would inform me when the phone rang. But today, I decided to call him during his prep time without notice.

Me:
I know we talked yesterday but wanted to call you. How are you feeling now? GA

Him:
A little better today. The secretary told me this was Debbie Miller. Am I confused or what? GA

Me:
Ha ha. Am I calling at the wrong time?

Him:
No way. Nice talking to you.

Me:
Great. Oh OK. I’ll have a game in three hours. Called Lorraine and she said she will come with BK.

Him:
Boy are they lucky. Wish I could. I got a letter from you today, the one you typed in six minutes. Fast typing but many mistakes.

Me:
Ha ha. Yeah, sorry about your not coming. But what’s more, you are not totally better, so you wouldn’t have come anyway.

Him:
Yeah, like I said before, I’ll wait until I’m told that it is okay to watch the star in action.

Me:
I’m not a star. OK, now I’m telling you that you can come and watch, but not tonight OK?

Him:
Rules, rules. My, my, what am I to do with you and all the rules you give me? Ha ha.

Me:
Sorry. OK, I’ll not do that again.

Him:
Hope you are smiling??

Me:
I’m half-smiling. Oh OK . . . well, as ever!!!

Him:
At least you remembered. Ha ha!

Me:
Yeah. Well, you’ll get a letter this Monday and it will be a depressing one.

Him:
It will have to wait till Monday??

Me:
Yeah, because I sent it this morning, so the mail won’t get in. Unless . . . do you mean why don’t I tell you now?

Him:
No. I just misunderstood you, that’s all. Are you feeling down? Your letter yesterday was very good. Did you get my multicolored letter yet??

Me:
Yeah, I’m feeling down. That’s why I’m calling you now. Yeah I got your letter today. Great.

Him:
Did it help?

Me:
A little, but it’s not because your letter isn’t good. It’s just me, that’s all.

Him:
Okay. I mailed you a short one I wrote really late last night. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late, but I had a lot to do. When I take a day off for whatever reason, personal or sick leave or whatever, it seems as if the teacher aides do not know how to follow through with my lesson plans. Oh well . . . so be it. I guess I just wrote you a short one. Sorry, I still love you.

Me:
You don’t have to say sorry. I’ve never asked you to write me long letters or to write every day, so getting one letter a week is better than nothing. Ha.

Him:
You know I can’t do that, right??

Me:
I guess so, and I can’t do that either.

Him:
Kathy told me that you are dating or are being chased by Mike. Not sure if she was testing me or what, so I just went along with it.

Me:
BK must have told Kathy. You see, Lorraine wanted to take me out to dinner after the game tonight, and I told her I couldn’t because tonight is a Sadie Hawkins night so I’ll be gone. Then she asked who was going with me, and I told her just a so-so boy named Jay.

Him:
Jay?? Anyway, no problem. I trust you . . . yeah, never a problem. We solved that a long time ago, right?

Me:
Yes, but, oh well . . . yeah, his name is Jay, but I’m telling you I don’t want to go out tonight. I can’t cancel it last minute.

Him:
True. Just have fun for yourself. Please just have fun. I miss you and feel the same way often. I told you several times we are very much alike, but don’t worry. You really do sound down. Wish I could give you a hug to make the skies blue again.

Me:
Yes, I wish too. Oh well. Yeah I’m really feeling so down, and I hope I will do OK in the game today. I’m really worn out mentally, I guess.

Him:
Just relax and think positive thoughts. I really mean it. It will help you. Please do it. It really will help. Relax and think positive about anything you want. It can be done and you have the skills and brains to do it. It may take practice, but I know you can do it. I know you well enough now, and I believe you can do it.

Me:
I can’t relax now. I really can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I want.

Him:
I can understand, but please try for both my sake and your sake. Hey, who is paying for this call? Some made-up number? Ha ha!

Me:
No, I’m going to pay for this, but it won’t cost as much as it did the last time because I’ve thought of a clever way.

Him:
What is that?

Me:
I called your number and told operator it was from the number in Hagerstown and to bill it to my home.

Him:
Fine. Hope I don’t go to jail with you. Ha ha!

Me:
Very funny. I’m laughing now. I really need that. Oh anyway. I’m telling you I probably will be a lot happier in jail than here.

Him:
Hey, you, they don’t make coed jails, so we are better off like this than with either you or me in jail. Don’t talk like that. You’ll depress me; then both of us will end up crying all night. Ha ha!

Me:
Ha ha. Oh well, I’m sure you’ll never be depressed enough to cry all the night, but it can happen to me.

Him:
I can be depressed really bad sometimes but I do as I told you – relax and think positive thoughts. It really works. I do love you very much.

Me:
I’m glad. I wish I could think positive, but it seems as if I can’t. I can pretend things are going well, but inside it’s not.

Him:
I know. Hey, congrats on the exam. I was really worried cause you never seem to study.

Me:
Yes, I know, and now I’m worried about the research paper. Oh well, like I said in the letter, I’ll have it done somehow.

Him:
Lord, I hope so. I don’t want to date a dummy.

Me:
Then don’t date a dummy.

Him:
I really hope you said that with a big, big smile.

Me:
In fact, I wasn’t smiling.

Him:
Are you trying to tell me something??

Me:
Maybe, but the problem is that I don’t know about myself anymore or why I am feeling whatever I’m feeling. Just simply . . . I don’t know!

Him:
Okay, I understand and won’t pressure you anymore. I just want you to be okay and to get things straight in your own mind without pressure from me. I told you before, nothing can change how I feel about you. I’ll just have to wait until you get things together. I’m just sad that I can’t be there to look at you, as I always make you nervous. I do care, and right now you are more important than anything in my life and I want you to feel good about yourself, about me, and about us. And you, you, you come first. You have to come first because Debbie has to live with Debbie first and see her in the mirror every day. Everything else comes second. I just wish I could help. I feel so helpless. I told you two weeks ago I see you as drowning or slipping from me and I can’t seem to stop you, but I understand how you feel and I know it is not easy for you. Please don’t feel guilty if you want me to back off and leave you alone for a while. Please let me know. I do care about you and respect you.

Me:
I know you care and I’m not feeling guilty or whatever. My feeling so low isn’t because of you; it’s because of something I’m not even sure of. Without you it might be worse. I dunno, but seems that the only time I’m happy is when I’m with you or when I’m at home. I want to know what is bothering me, and it bothers me to know that I don’t know. I cried all night last night. I was in Tiffany’s room by then, and I don’t know why I cried. Partly it was because I would 100 percent prefer to eat out with Lorraine and BK instead of going with Jay tonight, but it’s a little thing and yet I cried. Why???? I don’t know. Seems like everything isn’t going right for me, and sometimes I just want to cry for no reason. What is happening to me???? That was why I said I hope I would do good at the game tonight. It’s because right now I don’t feel good and I don’t know if I could play. Even worse, Lorraine and BK will be here. If they will not be there, then I don’t give a **** if I do lousy tonight.

Him:
Hey, you won’t do lousy. I’m sure of that, and I’m not trying to cheer you up. I’m sure of it. It sounds as if I am a heavy weight on your mind and I just seem to bother you, or it’s our relationship and the fact that we hide so much and sneak around that really must be bothering you. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m really sorry but still I love you and that will never change. Maybe you need a break from the sneaking to see if it is me. Lord, I hate to say that; it was really hard, but I hate to see you in such bad shape. I love you too much for that.

Me:
Is it because of you?? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Seems that I cry over little things that I used to not cry over. I’m tired of the life I’m living now. I’m just tired of it, and I told Tiffany last night I wish I could just die! Oh well. I think I better close for now. We have talked for more than thirty minutes I think.

Him:
Thirty-eight to be exact. I don’t know either, but it sounds like pressure, and if it is, then it is my fault. Also, dying is not the answer. Please believe me, that is not the answer. I better close, but I hate to end on a negative note. I feel you can get through. Please try to cheer up.

Me:
You’ve never died before, so you can’t say it isn’t the answer. (But don’t worry, I won’t do anything to harm myself.) Oh well, I hope I won’t look that bad, I’m crying now, and hope I’ll look as if everything is fine. Oh well, yes, I have to go now. I’m glad I called you though. I just wish I could see you. I miss you terribly. I love you. (I’m ending on a positive note. Ha.)

Him:
Good! I’m glad you called too. I love you too and will no matter what. I miss you just as much as you miss me. Please don’t cry. I can’t stand the taste of tears when we kiss. Ha ha. I love you. GA to SK

Me:
OK. SK

Him:
As ever. SK

Me:
As ever. SK

Chapter 29

Winter 1985

P
aper had always been my friend and confidant. But, now, I found myself revisiting my journal entries, memorizing my writing, the lines pulling me further into depression and misery. I think that was one of the reasons my journaling eventually ceased.

12-03-85

So cold outside. Winter is here, at least I think so. Like always, I end up some days feeling like crying. Today is one of those days. Last night, Bridgetta said maybe I should drink in order to make friends. No way! Maybe I don’t drink because of childhood memories. I remember Dad came home drunk one night. I was so disgusted with him. Just once; is it possible that my experience had such a strong impression on me?

12-05-85

Two more weeks until I go home. He called twice, at 11:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. I have a written evaluation I must pass in order to pass English. He said writing letters and essays are the same. To me they aren’t. Whenever I have to write, my mind gets blocked. I don’t write as freely as I do when I write letters. He said my grammar is great. Is that so?

12-06-85

I was supposed to get his four-page letter today, but I didn’t. Very depressing! Post Office is slow sometimes. My chest feels as if something is inside, so thick that it’s hard to breathe. I can breathe, but I can feel something tight inside. It has been bothering me for some time. Not sure if I should have it checked.

I’ve been gaining weight. Here’s what I had for breakfast: OJ, milk, omelet, ham, two English muffins, cereal, and a blueberry muffin. For lunch, I had three slices of tomatoes, an apple, and ice cream with peanut butter.

12-08-85

Such a beautiful day. I wanted to go out for a walk or ride a bike, but there is no one I can ask to go with me. I’m all alone in my room, doing nothing much. I started crocheting but didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to make.

I wrote him a letter but think I’ll just throw it away. Boring and lonely here.

12-09-85

My heart twisting

My eyes blinking

Trying to hold back tears

Aching everywhere

Wanting to be free

Wanting to laugh

Wanting to have a friend

Yet I’m not free from those feelings

I’m crying

Instead of laughing

I have no one to talk to,

To laugh with,

To hold,

And to share.

12-12-85

Ironed my shirt today while daydreaming about him and us. I ended up burning my shirt. Ugh. He called today. There wasn’t much for us to talk about. I’m not sure how I feel. Should I just end it?

12-16-85

Almost cried this afternoon after I called home. I wanted to have the car this week but Mom said I couldn’t. Looks like I won’t be able to go home until Friday. **** this world! I just want to go home.

12-20-85

Gave him two gifts. Coffee mug and a sweater. I really hope he likes it and that the sweater fits him.

He called before I saw him. **** hard! I love him. At times I just don’t realize how much. Wish I could see him tomorrow. We had planned to meet, but then Mom said she had to use the car. She ended up not needing the car.

Christmas Day

I’m crying now. I cried last year as well. Last year, it was because of David. Today, it’s because of everything. We had to visit our relatives. I didn’t want to go but Grandma insisted. Why can’t she understand? What will I do there? Just sit and pretend I’m enjoying myself while everyone talks?

Today is supposed to be the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus and look at me. I am crying.

12-28-85

Called him yesterday. He won’t be able to get away tomorrow. He has to take his son and some of his friends to Children’s Hospital to visit a girl.

I’m having mixed feelings about everything. My call to him wasn’t what I wanted. Yes, we talked but it’s always when, where, how, and what time to meet.

I want to end it all, but when I tell him I end up feeling like crying. It would probably be best if I did, but I don’t think I could go on through second semester without him. Nobody realizes I have no friends. None! I’m telling you, none!

12-30-85

I wonder if Mom suspects because I think I talk about him a lot. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.

2-22-86

Just called him an hour ago and I feel great. A feeling of contentment having talked to him. I ended our relationship a month and two days ago, but when we met last week we did just the same thing.