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Authors: Paige Nick

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BOOK: Death By Carbs
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THE WIDOW

 

 

Wednesday 3:51pm

 

 

The Banting For Life page was exploding with news, views, suspicious comments, crazy conspiracy theories and opinions on Professor Noakes's murder. There were thousands of new comments. Maureen scrolled through them, her heart pounding in her throat.

 

Fourie De Villiers

Whoever did it deserves to get the electric chair.

Like
1
02

 

Nonwabisa Cele
I don't think we have the electric chair in South Africa.

Like 23

 

Fourie De Villiers
Well then, they should extradite that person to a country that does.

Like 97

 

Tania Southby
I still just can't believe the news, my heart is broken in two, this country is going to the dogs I tell you. Canada, here I come.

Like 17

 

Giselle Gaffrey
What did I miss? What happened?

Like 0

 

Refilwe Jwara
Didn't you hear
Giselle Gaffrey
have you been under a rock or something? Tim Noakes was murdered this morning in his own home. They say it was someone with an axe.

Like 27

 

Celeste Olson-McCallister
I heard it was the co-authors, they murdered him so they could get his royalties. I heard it was with a panga.

Like
67

 

Giselle Gaffrey
Nooooooooooooo! This can't be happening.

Like 19

 

Chetna Pillay
That's not how it works at all, how stupid can you get? Now that he's dead he still gets his royalties, they just go to his family or next of kin.

Like 47

 

Godfrey Mandikele
Then maybe his family or next of kin did it?

Like 29

 

Theo Williams
They should make a statue of him or something.

Like 68

 

Barend du Plessis
I think it was the government who did it. He was becoming too powerful. They don't like that.

Like 90

 

Maureen Ewehout
Well, I'm of course devastated that he's gone, I've been crying all day, he was my friend and mentor. But if you really think about it, he wasn't a young man, he spent his life in service to runners and sports people, and now to all of us. He had a good innings (he was a great advocate of cricket too) and look at the legacy he's left behind. Some people can spend their entire lives on this planet and never do a quarter as much good as he has. All I'm saying is he had a good run, he was in his sixties after all, not a young man. It's a huge tragedy of course, but imagine if he had been in his twenties . . . we were lucky to have him as long as we did. And his legacy lives on in this phenomenal new eating lifestyle.

Like 41

 

Maureen considered adding in a small punt for her ENDORSED meal plans, but she decided she'd already made quite a noise about them today, so once she'd posted her comment she logged out, then logged back in as Lydia Steenberg, and got Lydia to ‘like' Maureen's post. Then she logged in as Sizwe, then Dolly, and even Herman, giving herself as many ‘likes' as possible.

As she'd predicted, business was flying. In the wake of the Prof's death, interest in Banting had soared to new heights. Maureen had already sold twenty ENDORSED meal plans that day. She hadn't earned her own money since she'd been in her twenties, working at the hotel in Somerset West, where she did their books and worked behind the bar because her dad knew the owner. That was where she'd met Gus, and the rest was history.

Maureen replied carefully to each of the meal plan direct messages with her standard copy-and-pasted response, outlining information on her background, her ‘partnership' with the Professor, as well as what the meal plans entailed, and then of course, the most important part; her banking details so they could make prompt payment if they wanted to move forward, enrich their lives and reach their goals.

As she typed, she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye and let out a sharp screech. She dived for her knobkierie, and WHAM! If there was one thing she couldn't stand, it was cockroaches. Then she took the weapon into the kitchen and rinsed it off under the tap. She made herself a cup of tea, then went back to work.

Maureen logged out of her own Facebook account, then logged back in as Lydia Steenberg once again. She no longer even had to check for Lydia's password on the pinboard, she knew it off by heart, as she should, considering that over the last few days she'd logged in as
[email protected]
more often than she'd logged in as herself. Although only a few hours had passed since their first conversation, Maureen was anxious to see if Benjamin had written to her again.

She tapped in Lydia's password, ‘pretty young blonde', then clicked straight through to her messages and reread the conversation between Benjamin and Lydia for the fifth time. Was he flirting with her? Of course he was. She wasn't so old and naïve that she couldn't see that. She flushed and reminded herself it was Lydia he was flirting with: young, firm, imaginary Lydia, not old, baggy, fraudulent Meal Plan Maureen.

When Benjamin had first struck up the conversation with Lydia, Maureen had decided not to respond. But he seemed pleasant enough, none of that ‘Hello Dear I wanna be yr special friend, write to me and I will send my picture' stuff, so she had snooped around on his page a bit, checking out the few pictures he'd posted. He'd looked so young and virile and handsome, she couldn't not respond, could she? That would be rude, considering the time he'd taken to write to her. Anyway, what harm would it do? It was a great opportunity for her to encourage him along the way, even share some tips.

In fact, she told herself, as the more experienced and successful Banter, she wasn't lying so much by pretending to be Lydia, as helping. It was obviously the right thing, the humane thing to do. She would also be able to punt her ENDORSED meal plans, which had been the main aim of inventing Lydia in the first place. Reassured, she had typed up her first slightly flirty response to Benjamin on Lydia's behalf.

Wait a minute. There was a small fly in the ointment. What if he asked to meet Lydia, or even worse, asked her out on a date? Surely that's where this whole thing was heading, for him at least? He was half her age, maybe even younger. She was certain he would not take kindly to discovering that he'd inadvertently been flirting with a woman who was old enough to be his mother – possibly even his grandmother. What did the kids on the internet say these days? She was ‘catfishing' him. He might even call the police. But it was too late to back out now, she thought, as she logged out of Lydia's account, and then back in as Sizwe.

 

THE CO-AUTHORS

 

 

Wednesday 4:10pm

 

 

‘Oh my goodness, Marco, what happened to your face?'

Marco winced as his husband touched his cheek.

‘It's nothing. Shaun and I got into it, he hit me.' Marco dropped his keys on the table by the front door and eased off his jacket.

‘That walking steroid, how dare he lay a hand on you!' yelled Chris. ‘We'll sue the pants off his tiny wrinkly balls!'

‘Oh sweetheart,' Marco laughed, then winced again.

‘I'll get you an ice pack,' said Chris, heading for the kitchen, Marco following him.

‘I got in a few good shots too, babe, you would have been proud of me. He's going to be just as sore. But Xolisa tried to stop us, and she got pushed by accident. I feel terrible about it. She fell onto that horrible eighties glass coffee table of Shaun's and broke it. There were shards of glass everywhere.'

‘Oh shit, is she okay?' Chris asked.

‘I think so.'

‘Don't worry, she's tough as Zuma, that one. But what on earth were you two fighting about?'

Marco sucked in air as Chris placed an icy bag of frozen peas against his bruised cheek. ‘He's just such a monumental dick!'

‘Tell me something I don't know,' said Chris. He paused before asking, ‘Do you think they suspect anything?'

‘What? About the Prof and me? No, I don't think so. Well, nothing they could make stick.'

‘You're definitely sure they don't know about the new book you were doing with him?' Chris asked.

‘There's no way they could know. I seriously doubt the Prof would have told them. And he and I were the only ones who knew about it at this stage.'

‘What about the publishers?' Chris asked.

‘Absolutely not. The Prof and I had agreed to wait till it was finished and good to go before we pitched it. No leaks until it was one hundred per cent ready. There are just so many copycats out there right now.'

‘And what about the arguments you were having with the Prof?' Chris asked. ‘Do any of them know about those?'

‘Nobody could have known, unless he told his wife.'

‘Any sign of her yet?'

‘Not that I know of. I hope she's okay.'

‘So now what?' Chris asked, pouring a glass of wine and handing it to Marco, then pouring himself one.

‘We go on as planned, nothing changes. Why would it?' Marco snapped.

‘Are you going to get the new book published under your name?'

‘Yup,' said Marco. ‘We get the book published under my name. It will all be very sad and unfortunate, but the timing is perfect. I'll say that the Prof would have wanted me to go ahead and share his – our – my vision with the world. I'll dedicate it to him, make it a tribute. The media will lap it up, and I think the punters will go ape-shit for it.'

‘Not to mention the fans,' Chris said.

‘Not to mention the fans,' Marco agreed.

‘And we won't have to share the royalties with anyone this time.'

‘That's what I like to hear. Cheers! Here's to you.' Chris clinked his glass against Marco's.

‘Cheers,' said Marco, gingerly taking a sip. ‘Oh, wait, you won't believe this.'

‘What?'

‘They're fucking each other.'

‘Who?'

‘Shaun and Xolisa.'

‘No way!

‘Way!'

‘How long has that been going on?'

‘I don't know, they say they were together last night and that she slept over at his place,' Marco explained.

‘Wow. I mean, I knew Xolisa and Cyril were having problems, but I didn't realise . . . I didn't see that coming.'

‘
Me neither,' Marco said.

‘She's so bony and full of angles, I can't picture her having sex with anyone.'

‘I know, right?'

‘What did Shireen say?' Chris asked.

‘She was on Skype, I'm not even sure she heard. She cried through the whole conversation.'

‘Typical.'

Marco nodded.

‘The press is already having a field day with the murder. If you
were to tell them about Shaun and Xolisa's affair, that would really make their heads explode. Honey, maybe you can get an exclusive in
You
magazine with the story. They'd definitely pay for it.'

‘Do you think so?'

‘Absolutely, but we'd better move on it, and call your agent straight away, in case Shireen has the same idea.'

‘You're a genius.'

‘How's your face feeling?' Chris asked.

‘Better now,' smiled Marco, holding out his glass for a refill. ‘And hopefully better than that wanker's.'

 

 

 

THE FANS

 

 

Wednesday 4:19pm

 

 

THE BANTING FOR LIFE FACEBOOK PAGE

 

Sizwe Madonda

Molweni everybody in Banting land. I wanted to update all you kind supportive people on my journey. Things have been going very well for me. Despite being a man who always loved his pap, eish how I miss it. But I have managed to lose thirty-two kilograms in total.

 

This Banting is really for me. If my ex-wife had to see me now! I used to get such bad indigestion I would be crying, Aikona! But now this is much better. Also my aches and pains are less than before. This week I can proudly say that I have lost another two kilograms. But I have a secret Banting weapon. I couldn't have done any of this without
Maureen Ewehout
's Marvellous Noakes ENDORSED Meal Plans. They are amazing. I learnt about cauli-rice and cauli-mash when I first started out, but now she has introduced me to cauli-pap! It's so nca!

 

One day someone must just invent cauli-umqombothi and then I'll bring out my vuvuzela! Go Chiefs!

Like
209

 

Tina Nortj
e
You are inspiring1

Like 17

 

Neil Kleynhans
So impressed and pleased for you. I love the idea of cauli-pap. Well done.

Like 14

 

Maureen Ewehout
I'm so pleased it's working for you
Sizwe Madonda
, I'm proud of you. I'll get to work on creating a Marvellous ENDORSED Meal Plan with cauli-umqombothi immediately.
J

Like 27

 

Thandi Malibongwe
That sounds nca, share the recipe.

Like 13

 

Zwelethu Magona
Cauli-pap? Are you sure you're black? Abelungu bayaphambana.

Like 7

 

BOOK: Death By Carbs
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