Death By Carbs (11 page)

THE CEO

 

 

Wednesday 7:12pm

 

 

Trevor sat on the hard, cold, plastic seat inside Debonairs, in the furthest corner at the very back of the restaurant, savouring his pizza. He hadn't had one in over six months (one failed attempt at a homemade pizza in the microwave at home, using cauliflower as the base, didn't count – cauli-pizza? Pizzauli? Caulizza? Picaulli?). He knew all too well that this comforting treat was going to wreak havoc on his digestion. There really was no such thing as a free meal.

Trevor wallowed in panic for the duration of a whole slice, and in self-pity for another slice. Then he turned the problem of the hitman over in his head. He'd handed over the first forty grand up front in cash and in person. The arrangement was that as soon as the job had been completed, the assassin would contact Trevor on his specially bought pager (he'd had to hunt it down on Ebay, they barely made them anymore) so that they could arrange a meeting to hand over the second forty grand. Noakes was definitely dead, so why hadn't the hitman called for his final payment yet? Did this mean he was the one in police custody? In which case, Trevor had much bigger problems.

Trevor pondered as he chomped through another piece of pizza his favourite way: folding it in half, then shoving it into his face, bite by delicious, cheesy, wheaty, constipating bite.

 

THE FANS

 

 

Wednesday 8:06pm

 

THE
BANTING FOR LIFE FACEBOOK PAGE

 

Louise Wright

Oh my goodness, I just got on my scale. If you're thinking of doing it, do yourself a favour and don't.
L

Like 2

 

Ashleigh Wyliman
Oh yes, I so agree !!!! the scale is not always yur friend. mine lies to me constantley......
J

 

Anele Smit
So true. maybe rather judge your wait from how your clothes feel and stay away from the scale. This coming from a new banter, only twelve days in so far, and loving it

Like 19

 

Sanette Der Walt
I got
on the scale yesterday, and I felt so awful and hopeless afterwards that I ate 100 grams of cheddar, 50 grams of salami and 60 grams of nuts!!! And all that right after I'd had a whole big Banting breakfast of scrambled eggies and smoked samon.
L
I am feeling very despondent, but I don't want to give up. I just don't think I'll get on the scale

again for a while!!!


Like 26

 

Dilly Heron
thanks for the advice, I think Im going to wait for a while,

maybe something like six months. maybe I wont even buy a scale till then to stop myself from being tempted to step on it and see. I dont want to fail at this.

Like 15

 

Ethel Markowitz
good thinking
Dilly Heron
I'm going to do that too!


Like 1

 

Louise Wright
I'm really hoping what I've got is just water retention or constipation, cos if I've put on weight for real I'm going to be really upset, I've stuck to the green list and everything.

Like 33

 

Daniel Gouws
It could also be muscle gain. You know that muscle weighs much more than fat. Don't let it make you despondent.

Like 11

 

Louise Wright
I know
Daniel Gouws
but it's an emotional roller coaster, up one day, down the next. Shooweee but it's not easy.

Like 10

 

Grant Spoegel
I lost two pant sizes but ZERO kg, I would have been really upset about it, except my boyfriend kept telling me how fantastic I was

looking and that really helped. Also TWO PANT SIZES!!!!.


Like 29

 

Donna Ferguson
I agree with Louise - I been trying out this lifestyle now for just over two months and have only lost 2kgs. But none of my clothes still fit me, I've had to go and get all new ones. I mostly got them from a second hand shop and from Pep, I didn't want to spend too much money on clothes, because I know I'm going to be losing a lot more weight on Bunting, and I can't wait until I'm finally down to my goal weight before I buy a whole new wardrobe – I would have to go to work naked otherwise.

I haven't been thin in fifteen years, I can't wait. But don't get on the scale, it's disenheartening
.

Like 24

 

Phillip White
After reading this conversation, my scale is being repurposed,and I have found a better use for it, in the dustbin. haahahaha

Like 27

 

Samara Pillay Dilly Heron
why 6 months? Is that how long its

supposed to take? Sorry Im new to this whole thing.

Like 10

 

Teresa Constantine
I have been really sad, after three months I'm only 3 kilograms down, but my jeans are definitely lose on me, I needed to go and buy a belt to keep them up. I don't understand, can someone explain it to me. How can you not loose weight in kilos but still lose a dress sizes?

Like
17

 

Stanley Miles

Seriously! This just proves that you've all been completely

brainwashed. You're not even losing weight, yet you still bow down to this ridiculous fad. Bet you it was invented by the cauliflower farmers, and they paid Noakes a pretty penny. I suspect cauliflower sales have never been so good. Actually I was wrong, you are losers after all!

Like 1

View 527 more comments

THE CEO

 

 

Wednesday 8:23pm

 

 

Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.

‘This mailbox is full and cannot accept new messages.'

Trevor dropped the handset in frustration and stood watching it dangling from the base of the payphone. He was fucked. Royally, royally fucked.

Trevor needed to make another plan. He couldn't just idly watch his life collapsing around his ears. If only the hitman would get in touch, reassure him he wasn't being set up. The uncertainty was literally eating him up.

Trevor shuffled back down the street in the dark, dragging his feet along the pavement towards his office so he could fetch his car and go home, the still-dangling handset mocking him behind his back. He had a bag of Quality Street chocolates at home with his name on it. They were supposed to be for his great-aunt's birthday, but he would just have to buy her something else. Maybe a nice scarf.

 

 

BENJAMIN

 

 

Wednesday 9:46pm

 

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
I just read your post on the Banting for Life Facebook page about Ginger Mary! I'm SO sorry, Lydia. You must
be absolutely devastated. I know how much you loved that cat. I'm also sorry I've been scarce today, I know it's late, but I only just logged on and I hope you're still around to see this message.
Things have been a little crazy on my side. Are you okay? If there
is anything I can do, I hope you know that you only have to say the word and I'll be there for you.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Thank you so much, Benjamin. It's good to hear from you. Yes, I am devastated and crying as I write this. It was just so sudden. This morning when I went to work there she was, lying in the laundry basket. She was run over some time earlier today. I am finding it so hard to believe that she's really gone. I appreciate the support I've been getting from everyone on the page, and your support and kindness means a great deal to me.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
I know what a great cat she was. I can only begin to imagine how awful you're feeling. Although, I do think I can relate a small amount. The truth is, I've been having a pretty awful day myself.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Oh no, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Do you want to talk about it? I know talking about Ginger Mary in the group has really made me feel better, talking may do the same for you.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
Things at work are very stressful right now. I've been there for seven years and I've put so much effort and passion into it, but I'm not sure it's going to work out.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Oh I'm so sorry, Benjamin. It sounds like you work very hard, and take your job really seriously.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
There were rumours today that they're planning more cutbacks and retrenchments down the line, and if I'm being
honest, I must say I'm concerned.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Oh how awful. What is it that you do?

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
I head up the sales department for a dental corporation. You wouldn't have heard of us. We supply dental equipment and cleaning products directly to the industry, dentists, orthodontists, that kind of thing.

 

Lydia Steenberg
That sounds interesting. You sound very important and also very dedicated. I'm sure your family is very proud of you. And that company would be crazy not to keep you on.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
I hope so. It feels out of my control at this stage. But the real problem is all this stress – it's a big trigger for me. I'm permanently hungry and not making the best food choices. Over the last little while I've been putting all the weight I fought so hard to lose back on.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Oh no, Benjamin. I totally understand what you're going through. Modern living is very stressful. Whenever I'm in that kind of situation, I always think, WWTND. I even had it engraved on a bracelet a while ago so I can look at it whenever I'm feeling weak. Just looking at it always makes me strong again. Although I did eat three Romany Creams with my tea tonight, but I think that's understandable under the circumstances.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
Of course it is! You poor thing. But what is WWTND? Is it the same as BPC? Cos I tried that and I must say, I didn't like it very much.

 

Lydia Steenberg
lol, sorry, I'm not laughing at you
. . .
it's not Bullet Proof Coffee (Yum, I love it, have you tried it with an egg broken into it? Maureen has a great recipe for it with her meal plans.) No, WWTND is What Would Tim Noakes Do?

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
Ohhhh lol, yes that makes more sense.
A raw egg in coffee! Yuck!

 

Lydia Steenberg
It's nicer than it sounds. And if WWTND doesn't work for me, then I think WWMMEMPD.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
Wow, that's a long one, I'm not sure you'd be able to fit that on a bracelet. What does that mean?

 

Lydia Steenberg
Ha ha ha, that's ‘What Would Maureen's Marvellous ENDORSED Meal Plans Do.'
J
Did you get in touch with her yet?

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
No, but I will try do it tomorrow. I feel so much better after talking to you. Thank you.

 

Lydia Steenberg
Thank you. It's nice talking to you too. You've cheered me up no end, I hope I've done the same for you?

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
You really have. I was feeling so bleak and hopeless and having the most awful thoughts, and feeling constantly hungry, but I'm feeling better now, thank you. All right, I'd better get back to work, I'm still at the office and it's late, I need to just wrap up here, and then I can head home. Is it okay if I message you again in the morning?

 

Lydia Steenberg
I'd like that. Just remember, WWTND. And also don't worry too much about work, you're an asset and they're lucky to have you. Chat tomorrow.

 

Benjamin Di Rosi
Thank you again. And be strong, I'm sorry about Ginger Mary, am thinking of you and sending strength. My Silas sends condolences too. Night, night.

 

THE HIJACKERS

 

 

Wednesday 10:15pm

 

 

‘. . . I love you more than Chicken Licken.'

. . .

‘I love you more than Carling Black Label.'

. . .

‘I love you more than my mama's pap and my Converse takkies,
Zuki my baby,' Thabo crooned into the phone.

Papsak pulled the hood of his sweater over his face and groaned, then made vomiting noises.

‘I promise I'll come visit you soon-soon, my baby.'

. . .

‘No, I promise.'

. . .

‘I'm not just saying it.'

. . .

‘I'll come pick you up in my gusheshe.'

. . .

‘I know you want me to come now, but I can't. I'm very busy working at work.'

. . ..

‘But I have to work, you want me to make money don't you? Then I can buy you anything you want.'

. . .

‘Yes, even a cell phone.'

. . .

‘Yes, of course with unlimited airtime.'

. . .

‘No, I love you more.'

. . .

‘No, I love you more.'

. . .

‘No,
you
put down the phone first.'

. . .

‘No,
you
put down first.'

. . .

‘No, you.'

. . .

‘No, you.'

. . .

‘Okay, my sugar la-ding ding, we'll both put down together . . . one, two, three. . .'

. . .

‘I can also still hear you breathing.' Thabo burst out laughing.

Papsak grabbed the phone out of Thabo's hand and cut off the call.

‘Hey, what did you do that for?' Thabo yelled.

‘We've been driving around for hours now, it's late and I'm tired, and Uncle Mlungu is starting to smell. He's going to ruin the seats at the back of our gusheshe. When are we going to dump him so we can go home? Mama is going to be worried if I'm not home again tonight.'

‘Okay, Paps, let's keep driving and see if we can't find somewhere deserted. How much more money have you got? We're running low on petrol.'