Dear Tabitha (5 page)

“Oh. Okay. So maybe I’ll see you around,” she says.

“Yeah.” I open the door, walk out, and turn to face her. God, this is awkward now.

“Tabby, you look really good. I’m so sorry that I scared you today. That wasn’t my intention at all. Shit, I’m just so sorry. I’m glad you’ve found yourself. It really shows.” I smile weakly and fight my need to possess her.

My statement seems to stun her and her eyes soften even more.

Just walk out the door, Alex. Walk away.

“Thank you, Alex.”

God, her smile.

I reach out to touch her face, but change my mind.

“Bye, Tabby.” I pull the door shut so I can’t see her eyes anymore, and rest my head against the door.

Oh my God, what has she done to me? What am I doing?

My heart pounds in my chest and I head down the stairs. Her door opens, but I don’t look back. If I do, I don’t know if I can control myself. I know that I need to be with her, but I also know that coming here was a mistake.

I can’t have her.

It would destroy the both of us.

Present

Age 24

Dear Tabitha,

I don’t even know if you are going to read this. I hope that I sent this letter to the right address. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive the intrusion into your life, but I need to tell you that I had a private detective looking for you for the past seven years. I sent this to the address that he finally found. He tracked down one of your employers, Kirsten Holden, and found out that you are still employed at her bookstore. So I’m sending this letter there in the hopes that it finds you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t find you sooner.

But he wouldn’t let me.

Oh my God, I hope I’m doing the right thing.

I’m sure you remember me, Marta, Tony’s mother.

I stop reading, crumble the letter, and clutch my chest. What the fuck? Marta Constantino? Tony’s
mother
? What could she possibly want with me? I feel sick to my stomach as I realize the potential implications of this woman contacting me. Oh my God.

I jump as I hear a loud banging on my door and Kirsten’s chipper voice outside.

“Tabby? Are you in there?”

I toss the letter toward the garbage. It bounces off of the wall and lands on the floor. I roll my shoulders to release the tension, and hurry toward the door.

“Coming!”

My hands shake as I open the door, and the first thing I see is Kirsten’s huge grin.

Just like always, she pulls me into a tight embrace then kisses my forehead. She knows I love when she does that because it makes me feel like she’s my sister. It’s exactly what I’ve pictured an older sister doing each and every time she greets me. It gives me the warm fuzzies, and I don’t do warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies ended a long time ago when Trina died. Momma. I shiver a little as I picture what I remember of her beautiful face.

“Hey, Kirsten,” I say faintly.

I turn toward the living room, hoping she doesn’t see the panic on my face. I glance toward the crumpled letter and swipe a tear from my cheek.

“Tabby, what’s wrong?” she asks in her motherly voice.

I plaster on a smile and turn to face her. “Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Everything is great!” I feign another smile and my lie feels genuine as it passes my lips.

“Well, you look like you just saw a ghost. Or worse, a zombie!” She laughs and pushes playfully on my shoulder.

“Seriously, what’s up?” she asks. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this.”

She’s right. It’s taken a lot of time, but I have been better. Happier. She had to counsel and console me so much more when I was younger and insecure. I haven’t been like this, felt like this in a long time. I decide to keep the letter a secret for now until I can finish reading it and know why Marta sent it.

“Nothing, Kirsten. It’s all good. I was just thinking about Alex. I’m not sure what’s next. I don’t know what to think. His visit the other day still has me a bit rattled. That’s all.” That is an understatement. His showing up here completely rocked me to the core. And the way he acted like he wanted me all over again, his intense eyes capturing my own? If he had said the word, I don’t know what I would have done.

“Well, that makes sense, considering he just showed up after radio silence for the past FEW years!” She smirks. “I mean really, what does he expect? He never returned your call. Shoot, Tabby, now I’m sorry that I gave him your address so he could come to your apartment.”

I am still a little annoyed that she would just give him my address without giving me a heads up, but I know she meant well.

But shit. She doesn’t know the truth. What would she think of me if I told her? Kirsten has no idea that Alex never found out about my pregnancy. I feel sick to my stomach and clench my fists.
I’m
the jerk.

“Kirsten, I never told him.” I gasp and throw myself back onto the couch.

“What? What do you mean you never told him? What didn’t you tell him?” She sits down in the chair across from me.

“He didn’t know. He doesn’t know.”

I put my head into my hands and the sobs come. I can’t believe that I was
finally
on track to a better me, a better life. Then he shows up at my front door and brings back these feelings that I’ve all but forgotten.

“Honey, it’s okay.” Kirsten sits next to me, wraps her arms around my waist, and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

We sit in silence for a while, and then she says, “Why don’t you tell me. Tell me what you didn’t tell him.”

“Oh my God, Kirsten! What could I possibly say? That ‘I kissed Seth behind your back, and then slept with him after you left me?’” I muse. “Yeah, that would go over great. It would only get better if I said ‘Hey, Alex, I also found out that I was pregnant and then gave the baby away. I don’t even know if you or Seth is her father!’”

I pause, not sure if I’m going to laugh or cry.

“Kirsten, let’s get real here. He’s not sure what he’s looking for right now, and this all coming out would just send him away again. And I don’t know if I want him to go away. Ugh.” I wince as I realize the truth in my words. “I just can’t.”

She pulls me tighter against her side and pushes my head onto her shoulder. I look at the floor, see the letter again, and flinch.

That ball of paper on the floor seems to be moving toward me. Marta Constantino and her web of lies are rolling like fucking tumbleweed on my living room floor. I really can’t deal with all of this today. What could she want with me, and why would she be looking for me? If she found me, then
he
certainly can find me too. For all I know, she may have led Tony directly to me by sending that fucking letter. I feel imminent dread and my chest tightens. He’s going to find me. He’s going to kill me.

My panic starts to set in and I push myself away from Kirsten and lean into the back of the couch. I take deep breaths to try to calm myself. I need to focus on something else before I come apart at the seams. She doesn’t even know about all of the awful things that Tony did to me. Only Alex knows. He knows everything. As close as I’ve grown to Kirsten over the past few years, there are still so many things that I can’t share with her. With anyone.

Only Alex.

“What am I going to do? How do I tell him? After all of these years? How
can
I tell him?” I continue my one-sided conversation. “No, Kirsten. I can’t. He wouldn’t understand.”

“Tabby. Let’s think this through, okay?” Kirsten says. “You don’t have to say anything to him today or next week or next month. But eventually, you will have to tell him. He has a right to know. My God, what if he comes back here and sees Emily? Look around you! Her pictures are everywhere.” She spreads her arms out, turning her palms up to the ceiling while looking around the room.

She’s right. I look around the small living room and see my daughter’s smiling face everywhere.

“Oh my God. Do you think he noticed them when he was here?” I glance over to the bookshelf that has the photo albums prominently displayed. Carly, Kyle, and Emily are all over the place. Emily’s face is truly everywhere. On end tables, book cases, walls. Two years worth of milestones and happy times. Her beautiful smiling face. I gasp. He was here for a while the other day. How could he
not
notice Emily?

“Oh, no. I’m not ready to tell him.” I close my eyes and shake my head. I don’t know if I can ever tell him.

We sit in silence for what seems like forever. I contemplate all of the scenarios of Alex learning the truth, and none of them end well.

Kirsten speaks first.

“Are you ready to go or do you need a minute?” she asks.

Go? Where?

Oh, shit. I completely forgot what brought her here in the first place. We’re celebrating her birthday tonight and she hopes to
accidentally
run into someone at the High Note. Now that Epic Fail is back in town, I know just who that someone might be. Tristan.

Suddenly, I want to run and hide. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, afraid to see Alex again. What if he has more questions for me? I can’t answer them right now. My God, what if Marta told Tony where I was? What if he’s lurking around, just waiting to pounce? I get the chills as I think about the worst possible scenarios. Tony finding me and strangling me in a dark alley. Alex’s cold eyes as he finds out about Emily. My head spins, and the thought of stepping foot outside brings a panic attack closer to the surface. Breathe Tabby, breathe.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea if we go to the High Note tonight,” I say softly.

“Oh, it’s okay,” Kirsten quickly replies. “I figured that we should try to avoid that place for a little while.” Her voice trails off and I feel terrible. It’s her birthday, and as terrible as I feel right now, I can’t make this all about me. I need to try to put my anxiety to rest for a little while. If I can.

“No. Forget I said that. It’s your birthday, so we do what
you
want. But first, tequila.”

This is a bad idea, but I need a diversion to help me relax. I jump up from the couch and make a beeline for the liquor cabinet. I don’t usually keep much alcohol in my apartment, but I have a bottle left over from Mexican night that I had here a while back. And tonight, I need to numb myself in more ways than one.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Kirsten asks with concern in her voice.

“One or two shots will be fine. We need to toast your birthday.” I reach for the bottle of tequila and two shot glasses. The souvenirs from my day trips with Seth to the Liberty Bell museum and the Franklin Institute make me pause and remember.
Seth
. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

I need to focus.
I place the shot glasses on the counter and pour a generous helping of tequila into each one. I hesitate for a moment before I turn around to face Kirsten.

“Happy Birthday!” I hand her a shot and throw mine back. It burns as it travels down my throat, warming the inside of my stomach. I wipe my tingling lips with the back of my hand and pour a second shot.

“Tabby…” Kirsten’s brows furrow and she looks more concerned.

“Cheers.” I reach out to clink our shot glasses together and toss back the next shot, feeling the familiar burning sensation and warmth.

Kirsten slowly lifts her first drink to her lips and tentatively swallows some of the tequila. She winces the entire time, and I can tell she isn’t enjoying her birthday shot.

“I’m sorry. I thought you would like it,” I say softly.

“Ick! I didn’t realize how much I disliked tequila without yummy margarita mix.” She giggles and places her half-empty shot on the counter. I quickly grab it, down it, and grab my keys and bag.

“Let’s go celebrate!” I am laying it on thick right now and I’m sure she can read me like an open book. But I’m already starting to feel numb from the tequila and I’m ready to go. My cheeks feel flush and my heart races.