Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (2 page)

Not only did you step in it, you jumped up and down. Unless the woman or the tech calls it quits, this is going to end badly. Do your best to distance yourself; if she wants to cheat, make her work at it like everyone else. When it all goes to hell, hire the technician to replace the husband. Or is he married, too?

Maid to order

I came home early from work and found our new maid on the couch masturbating. When I asked her to explain herself, she walked over, unzipped my pants and gave me a blow job. The next week I faked being sick for three days and went home early on the other two to have sex with the maid. I would fuck her in the afternoon and then fuck my wife at night. But two days ago, out of the blue, my wife fired her. I asked why, but she didn’t give me a straight answer. Does she know? I love my wife but miss the maid.—R.B., Phoenix, Arizona

Of course she knows. Didn’t you notice the house was a mess?

Is my husband cheating with my sister?

My husband and I hang out with my sister and brother-in-law quite a bit. They have a “nude-only” hot tub. My husband hurt his back and used the tub one afternoon. My sister also was home. When my husband returned he was acting funny. He said, “Nothing happened with your sister.” I asked what he was talking about. He said, “Nothing happened, and nothing ever will.” I am assuming that something almost happened and he was embarrassed. My sister is constantly talking about my husband. She craves attention, so maybe this is her way of getting it. What do you think is going on here?—J.A., San Diego, California

Here’s what we think happened: Your husband arrived at the house, removed his clothes and lowered himself into the tub. Your sister, who has been gauging his reaction to the possibility of an affair, also removed her clothes and climbed into the tub. Your husband felt uncomfortable. Your sister propositioned him and said that if he declined, she would tell you that the two of them had sex. He declined, came home and, as a preemptive strike, assured you that nothing had happened. Your sister needs to be convinced that nothing ever will.

Should I have sex to prevent an affair?

I’m 21 and have been married for a year. I love my husband, but he’s the only person I’ve slept with. There’s this hunk at work who wants to fuck me. I don’t want to cheat, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to help myself. Should I have sex with this guy so I can stop thinking about him all the time? And did I make a mistake in getting married so young?—J.M., Wausau, Wisconsin

You think it’s tough to resist this guy now? Sleep with him and see how bad it gets. Lusting for people besides your spouse is okay. The marriage changes only how you respond to that lust. Ideally, you’d be able to go home, tell your husband about this hot guy (since he’s felt the same way about other women and since he trusts you) then ride that energy into the bedroom. Perhaps he’s mature enough to do that, but we doubt your relationship is. In that sense, you married too young.

How many people cheat?

A
Playboy
survey of 1,432 adults found that 75 percent of men and 82 percent of women had never cheated on their partners. Have other surveys found similar numbers? If you watch TV, you’d think only one in five doesn’t cheat.—K.L., Sarasota, Florida

Researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed 3,342 adults and found that more than 80 percent of women and 65 percent to 85 percent of men said they had slept with only their spouse while married. The researchers concluded, “No matter how sexually active people are before or between marriages, no matter whether they lived with their partners before marriage or whether they are virgins on their wedding day, marriage is such a powerful social institution that, essentially, married people are nearly all faithful.” This is reflected in the finding that half of all adult Americans have three or fewer lovers in their lifetime and in the fact that cheating is usually not what leads couples to divorce. They have bigger problems.

A cheating dream

I am 28 years old and engaged. I have never considered straying and never intend to. However, my fiancée recently told me that she overheard me talking in my sleep. She said it sounded like I was on the phone. I was trying to get someone to come to our apartment because “she doesn’t get off work until five.” This obviously bothered my fiancée. How can I explain to her that it was just a dream when it seems I subconsciously want to cheat?—B.A., Nashville, Tennessee

Your fiancée isn’t sure what to make of this—even if you aren’t cheating, what sort of man dreams about it? Every sort of man, of course. That’s biology. There’s no way to explain this in a way that will satisfy her, but the prospect of committing to sex with one woman for the rest of your life can cause anxiety that seeps out in guilty fantasies. Many women would be relieved to have boyfriends, fiancés and husbands who only dreamed of taking lovers.

Of all the things dreams might be, unconscious yearning doesn’t make the list anymore. Dreams are about data mining, pattern recognition, image re-spooling and verbal reassembly, current feedback, broken snippets of conversation, TV commercials—hell, he might have been repeating something from a radio commercial that he heard on the way to work. Omens and lusts are stuff of romance novels but not dream processes. Next you’ll be suggesting that dreams predict the future.—A.K., Fort Myers Beach, Florida

His dream may have been all that and more, but it doesn’t resolve the larger dilemma, which is that his fiancée heard him talking in his sleep as if he were cheating. We still believe there’s no way to explain this in a way that will satisfy her, regardless of whether he offers your scientific explanation or our Freudian one.

“When are you going to fuck me?”

I am a retired Marine Corps officer now on my second career. An attractive co-worker has made it clear that she would like to have an affair with me. If I were single, I’d take her out in a second. But I’ve never cheated on my wife, and I’m not about to start after 25 years of marriage. This woman and her husband have become friends of my wife’s as well. The four of us socialize frequently. I want to keep her and her husband as friends. I told her this, but she acted like she hadn’t heard me. She just said, “So, when are you going to fuck me? It’s inevitable that we’ll end up in bed, so why prolong the agony?” I asked my father for advice and he told me to treat her as a professional colleague and stop socializing. But I don’t want to piss her off, either. Hell hath no fury…. What do you think?—J.C., Tampa, Florida

Father knows best. This woman is no friend. Be polite but firm in your dealings with her. If she propositions you again, follow her lead and act as if you didn’t hear. It’s a tough cross to bear, being so desirable to women.

Their lying eyes

Can you tell just by looking at someone if he or she is lying?—R.T., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Most people aren’t accomplished enough liars to conceal their guilt. Former FBI profiler Jack Trimarco says you should be suspicious of any person who: (1) changes his usual speech patterns—a person may also pause as he invents a lie or repeat the question to buy time; (2) subconsciously lowers his voice because he’s ashamed of the lie he’s about to deliver; (3) denies specifics, such as insisting she didn’t cheat with the neighbor because the guy actually lives three doors down; (4) remains calm while working hard to convince you that you’re mistaken—an innocent person is more likely to grow angry, and his denials to grow stronger; (5) changes the subject; (6) displays conflicting verbal and nonverbal behaviors, such as saying no while nodding yes; (7) changes her story over time (“A lie is hard to remember, while the truth is easy,” Trimarco says); (8) avoids eye contact. Someday you may not need intuition to ferret out untruths. A few British insurance companies use voice-analysis software to identify people who call in with false claims (about 10 percent are identified as suspicious), and scientists are scanning the brains of volunteers to see if they can identify which areas light up when a lie is told.

Pool party

I have been dating the same woman for 10 years. We live in different states but see each other as often as we can. The other night I called her at 12:15
A.M.
, but she didn’t answer. The next morning she told me she had gone to a neighbor’s pool party and gotten home at midnight. I investigated and heard from one of her female neighbors that my girlfriend had sex with the host and his brother next to the pool. In fact, this neighbor had filmed the whole thing from her window and sent me the tape. When I confronted my girlfriend, she played dumb, saying she remembered the neighbor hitting on her but nothing else. We even went to a hypnotist, but he couldn’t help. Should I believe her?
—G.A., Warren, Michigan

It hardly matters. The relationship is over. And where was it going anyway?

Falling for my boss

I’m a 43-year-old secretary who’s falling in love with her married boss. Until a few months ago he had been all business. But one afternoon he called me “darling” and asked if I was “planning to stick with him.” I felt dizzy—a schoolgirl realizing her crush. Since that day, we have engaged in a flirtation that is alternately thrilling and excruciating. We haven’t gotten physical, but he has informed me, in a roundabout way, that he’s well hung, told me to “plug him in there tight” when I offered to update his planner, let me know that he “loves to give me a hard time” and intimated that he suspects that I have to resort to masturbation after working with him all day. When he drove me home from work, I became wet sitting so close to him. Another time I was taking dictation when I looked up at him and we smiled and stared at each other for half a minute. Is there anything more thrilling than falling in love? I suffered from depression for many years and my only intimate contact with a man was more than 25 years ago, when I was date-raped as a teenager. How can I curtail my randiness before this situation gets out of hand?—L.P., Houston, Texas

Your background reveals more about this situation than anything else. You don’t have much more sexual experience than a nun. We both know what your boss is up to, but if his flirtation leads to an affair, it won’t end well. The best thing for your emotional well-being is to extract yourself, even if that means finding another job. You deserve a partner who doesn’t need to make wisecracks to conceal his lust or betray someone to be with you. It’s time you make a serious effort to find a relationship that will move your life forward.

Is it cheating to masturbate together?

A married man whose wife is out of town visits a bar with friends. He strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman. She too is married and her husband is away. They decide to have a nightcap at her place. Although the conversation is somewhat sexual, there is no physical contact. As the evening is winding down, the woman tells the man that she plans to masturbate after he leaves, and that she assumes he will do the same when he arrives home. She suggests they masturbate together. They disrobe and masturbate within sight of each other, but they never touch beyond a chaste kiss as he gathers his clothes to leave. Is this considered cheating?—E.A., The Woodlands, Texas

You bet. The couple shared sexual intimacy, and that meets the definition of adultery even if the participants can’t see each other, such as during phone sex or while online. If the guy had returned home to masturbate, he might have escaped on a technicality. But his judgment would still be suspect—married guys generally don’t have nightcaps with women they meet in bars.

Seducing married women

I am a single, average-looking businessman in my mid-40s. During the past three years, I have slept with every married woman I have desired. I meet them in supermarkets, bookstores and record shops. I invite them in for coffee and the rest is easy. From these encounters I have observed the following: (1) I have not met a woman whose husband has made love to her properly in the past six months. (2) Many of these women had never had a multiple orgasm. Two had never had orgasms until we went to bed. (3) None of these women experience any major guilt from these encounters. Most feel they are neglected and view our time as luxurious sin. In the meantime, I have collected a casual harem. I am never pushy—they call me. Can you explain why so many married men are such neglectful lovers?—T.G., Los Angeles, California

Because they don’t read the Advisor. Your letter sounds like a challenge, and we’ve just become your worst enemy by publishing it.

You pointed T.G. in the right direction, but let an old stud put it more plainly. He needs serious advice before his swelling head, or something else, bursts. Every woman tells every man that he is the best—that’s good manners. What T.G. is hearing is the modern version of “Be gentle, I’m a virgin.” After he has each of the women in his “harem” 200 or 300 times and nurses them through a couple of hangovers and some PMS, he will see the situation differently. In the meantime, he asks, “Where are these women’s husbands?” Well, son, their husbands are out doing and hearing the same things you are.—D.P., Honolulu, Hawaii