Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (19 page)

This won’t be a wedding. It will be a wake. You could insist that your buddy, rather than his dominatrix, disinvite you, but it appears he doesn’t know what hit him. Sadly, being his friend just became a huge chore.

What a letter. Most men in their 20s don’t have the common sense, foresight or balls to end a relationship like that. Their marriage ends in five to 10 years after much misery. That’s because as the woman gets stronger-willed and more dominant, she grows frustrated by her pushover spouse. If your girlfriend has you whipped, it will be less painful to leave now than to wait until she divorces your sorry ass and takes the kids, the house and the money. Been there. Done that. Sorry now.—M.D., Kansas City, Missouri

This seems like a lesson that has to be learned the hard way. Guys who are whipped aren’t able to take your advice.

I don’t think you put much effort into your answer, Advisor. You can’t blame just the girl. If the guy knew it could be a problem, he should have prevented it. For example, they could have had a mixed bachelor-and-bachelorette party, which is all the rage. They could also have set down rules, such as “I won’t touch tits if you don’t grab cock.” When my husband and I had our parties, I told him I didn’t want him near naked women because I knew his friends might set him up. I was right: They tried to pay a streetwalker to pose with him. Just because I don’t want him around that sort of thing doesn’t make me a controlling bitch. And it doesn’t mean this girl was, either. She has the right to invite whomever she wants—it’s her day. The problem is his being afraid to grow up and realize that real men listen to the women they love and try to see the woman’s point of view.—A.T., Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Real women get over themselves. Your advice is all good—couples should talk—but to suggest that the woman had a right to disinvite her fiancé’s friends is just incorrect.

Is she “the one”?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for several years. I’m 26 and many of my friends are getting married. I also would like to get married someday, but I’m not certain this girl is the one for me. I think the best thing for me to do is see other people. How do I tell my girlfriend this without losing her for good? What if I do this and she hates my guts, then I realize she is the girl I should marry? Do my doubts about spending the rest of my life with her mean anything? Please help.—J.K., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

In our view, any guy who doesn’t have doubts about committing to one woman for the rest of his life needs to get to know her better. But you’re overlooking an important player in this drama—your girlfriend. She may feel the same pressures
as she watches her friends get hitched, and the same uncertainty about marrying you. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing your relationship with the other person involved, what sort of marriage can you expect? Every couple reaches a place where they know enough about each other to make long-term plans or go their separate ways. Rather than suffer regrets, remember that timing is everything. Your girlfriend may be the right woman at the wrong time or the wrong woman at the right time.

An elderly friend once told me a simple way to decide whether to get married: Ask yourself if the thought of living without her is worse than the thought of living with her.—R.C., Boyertown, Pennsylvania

You never stop asking that question.

My girlfriend and I started dating three years ago, when I was 19. I considered proposing but had reservations because I hadn’t dated anyone else. I didn’t want to cheat down the road, so I broke up with her to date more. After some soul-searching (brought on by her having met someone else), I decided she’s the one. I told her I wanted her back, but she says she’s still angry with me. We’ve talked only by e-mail; she won’t let me call her. What should I do?—R.B., Ann Arbor, Michigan

Stop writing to her. Before you’ll ever get your ex back, she has to miss you. You’re pining because she hooked up before you did. You have a good plan, now follow through.

Engaged without engagement

A friend of mine and his fiancée have agreed not to have sex until their wedding night, even though they’ve been sleeping together for several years. Have you ever heard of this?—R.W., McLean, Virginia

Reclaiming your chastity is a great way to build anticipation. Here are some ground rules: The couple can kiss and caress so long as they avoid the genitals. They can’t masturbate (harsh!). They should talk dirty and tease each other silly. Imagine the longing you’d feel after a few months (or, God forbid, a year or more) of that. If this idea catches on, expect a lot more shotgun weddings—with the groom supplying the shotgun.
^*1

How to propose

I’m ready to propose to my girlfriend. Do you have any suggestions?—R.B., Nashua, New Hampshire

Because the women in our lives always do the asking (without success, natch), we don’t have any experience with this. So we called Michael Webb, who solicited 7,300 real-life proposals for his e-book
The Romantic’s Guide to Popping the Question
(online at theromantic.com). Webb’s general tips: “(1) Don’t do a public proposal unless your girlfriend is a public person. That is, if she does everything with her family and friends, she’s less likely to feel on the spot if you ask her at a gathering. (2) Many guys ask around the holidays, but that’s expected, and no matter what a woman says otherwise, she wants to be surprised. (3) Many guys think that the more money they spend, the more romantic the proposal. But women rarely mention the limo, the roses or the fancy dinner. They remember the personal details. The less money you spend, the more creative you tend to get to compensate. (4) The more complex the proposal, the more likely something will go wrong. Someone will forget their lines or, worse, squeal. A lot of guys plan a big weekend—if you do that, ask her on the first day, because you’ll be nervous and it will make her think something’s wrong. Assuming you get a yes, it also lets you enjoy the rest of the weekend together. (5) Learn from the mistakes of others. Examples: The guy who left the ring in the wet diaper of their baby, the guy who asked in front of the casket at his brother’s funeral, the guy who had a messenger deliver the proposal and the romantic who presented the ring over a meal at McDonald’s. (6) Finally, if you start the proposal by saying ‘We need to talk’ or ‘You win,’ reexamine what you’re doing—quickly.”

When can you object at a wedding?

What are grounds for making an objection at a wedding? I love this girl and believe she’s making a huge mistake. We have a history as friends, so I may have a chance. I know making an objection in front of 300 people isn’t the most subtle way to get my point across, but I finally want to take a stand.—C.B., Providence, Rhode Island

It would be your last stand. Objecting at a wedding rarely works as a pickup line. If you think the marriage is a bad idea, let your beloved know well ahead of time. If she’s persuaded, she’ll need time to change course. Besides, in most ceremonies the presiding official doesn’t ask for objections—it only leads to trouble, and unless it’s a legal challenge (the bride is already married, for example), the
proceedings continue anyway. More important, should you object, you’ll diminish your chances with the bridesmaids.

The last hurrah

The last member of our group of 20 college friends is getting married, so we are planning a bachelor party. We have been all over the world for previous send-offs—Amsterdam, Las Vegas, South Beach, Daytona, Fort Lauderdale, New York, Los Angeles, D.C. and London. We are debating either going to Montreal, where none of us has been, or returning to Vegas. Thoughts?—M.A., Washington, D.C.

Montreal is an excellent choice. It has great restaurants, the Casino de Montréal and full-contact, all-nude strip clubs filled with gorgeous women. You will want to stay within a few blocks of Crescent and Ste. Catherine, and it’s probably wise to hire a company such as Montreal VIP (montrealvip.com or 800-371-1224) to make arrangements and offer advice. Marc Tadros, one of the company’s partners, says the dancers in Montreal aren’t as aggressive as those in the States; you have to ask them for a private lap dance, which typically costs about U.S. $7.50 a song, with no tip required. (The girls keep everything they make.) The only thing you can’t touch is her vulva. Tadros says most groups number about a dozen guys, but he has arranged trips for as few as four and as many as 50. You can’t go wrong with Las Vegas as a plan B, says James Oliver Cury, author of
The Playboy Guide to Bachelor Parties
. “Because the city is growing so fast, there’s no way you can exhaust everything in one visit,” he says. “If you go back, you can hit all new clubs and restaurants.” The new Scores is gaining a reputation as the best strip club in town. In Europe, Cury suggests Dublin, which is where Londoners play and host their own stag parties. Cury’s guide, which we recommend, includes a planning list, help with calculating everyone’s cut, tips on how not to get ripped off at strip clubs, and a great bit of advice: “Always do what’s best for the groom.”

My new wife’s plan

I’m engaged to be married, and everyone in my family says they love my fiancée, but she has a huge problem with them because they are still in contact with my ex-wife. My ex and I have a good relationship, in part because we share custody of our six-year-old son. My fiancée, who is divorced as well, believes my family should cut all ties with my ex out of respect for our relationship. How do I convince them that by staying in touch with her they are hurting my future wife as well as me?—J.M., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Are you kidding? Neither you nor your fiancée has any right to demand this, especially as it involves the mother of your family’s grandchild and nephew. We hope your third wife has a better attitude.

GROOMING

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Shaving your face

I’ve shaved with hot water, cold water, in the shower, after a shower, before a shower and with every brand of foam I can find, and I always get razor burn. Any suggestions?—N.R., Las Vegas, Nevada

We feel your pain. The most common cause of razor burn is shaving against the grain. So don’t do that. The rest of our advice you’ve probably heard before. Prep your face with a hot (but not too hot), slightly soapy washcloth that you push against the grain to get the whiskers to stand up. Try a shaving brush to apply foam; it also helps the whiskers stand up and looks cool if any babes walk in. Use a razor that has a pivoting head. Don’t press too hard, especially around your neck. Experiment with gels or natural oils. One oil we passed around the office has received rave reviews. It was developed by Bill Hamilton, a former roofer and frustrated shaver who as a teenager began concocting lotions with household products such as baking soda, vinegar, cooking oil and shampoos and conditioners. In 1987, after consulting with a pharmacist, Hamilton had his eureka moment. You can request a sample of Total Shaving Solutions by writing Total Solutions at 2400 S.W. Jefferson, Peoria, Illinois 61605 or through allabout shaving.com.

Shaving down there

My wife of five years likes the clean-shaven look on her genitals. What is the trick that so many of your models use, or is that just the magic of airbrushing?—J.E., Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Our models have professional help. Shaving your genitals is tricky business. The poor man’s method is to cut the hair close with a blunt-nosed scissors, apply a warm wet towel to soften the stubble, spread shaving cream and carefully stroke each area no more than twice—first with the grain and then against. Even if you’re careful, she’ll probably suffer some irritation. She also may have to shave at least daily, or the combination of sharp hairs growing back and sensitive skin will be unbearable as she walks around. You might want to upgrade to the $10 Ladyfair shaver to trim
the hair to stubble and the $50 Seiko Cleancut to shave and for touch-ups. The battery-powered razors are imported from Hong Kong and Japan by Ian Mark, a pussy-shaving evangelist who sells them at 2sensualproducts.com or 210-558-7262. Using depilatories such as Nair are always a bad idea.