Daystar (59 page)

“You obviously need to be with someone.”
 
Jegudiel felt ill, sick with himself.
 
“And it will not be me, so why don’t you find someone else to satisfy your cravings if they pain you so.”
 
His thoughts and feelings warred for control over his mouth.
 
“Go be with someone else.”

Bean stared out over the rooftops.
 
“I don’t know what you’re saying, Yoshi.
 
That is not my desire.”

“Is it not?
 
You think of it when you look at me.
 
You look at me the way your parents look at one another.
 
I can see the hunger in your eyes.”

Bean frowned.
 
“That’s love, I—”

“No it’s
not
.
 
You don’t even really know what that is.
 
You want sex, you said so yourself.
 
So if you are sick with desire, go get a fix with someone else.”
 
Jegudiel drove his nails into his palms, drawing blood.
 
“You are not going to be with me so stop hanging on in pain.
 
I don’t want you like that.
 
Go fuck someone else.”

Bean shook as she took a deep breath.
 
This walk was not supposed to go to this topic.
 
“Can we speak on something else?”

“Why?”
 
He frowned.
 
“You seek to divert my attention so that you can attempt at being sly?”

“I am not sly.”

“You are Paimon’s
creation
, their sick golem.
 
Do not attempt to trick me as to your innocence.
 
You were born tainted.”

She watched birds fly by.
 
“Aren’t they pretty.”
 
Her mind scrambled, confused.
 
“Parrots I think.
 
Andrealphus would know the type.”

Jegudiel scaled the chimney to get next to her.
 
“I am not going to be fooled by you.”

Bean kept her eyes averted.
 
“I wonder where they roost.
 
I think we should find them.
 
Let’s look!”
 
She nodded, there, a non-threatening activity.
 
She reached for his hand.
 
“We can find their nests and look at the babies!”

“Do not touch me!”
 
Jegudiel jumped back to the roof below.
 
“As soon as I draw close you try and reel me in.
 
You show your true self.
 
It is good for me that you are still inept at deception, still just a child.
 
It is good for me that you are young and stupid.”

Bean stared at her hand.
 
“No!
 
I’m sorry.
 
I…I didn’t mean anything by it.
 
I wasn’t trying that.”

“I am not a fool!”
 
He glared at her as a tremor raced through him.
 
“My head is clearing now that I am away from your fathers.”
 
He paced.
 
“They spoke to confuse me and now you’re acting to confuse me!
 
You’re in on this together, that is it.
 
They only fooled around to get us to hang out with one another so that you could try to get me again.
 
This whole thing is a conspiracy between you disgusting creatures!”

She gaped and stepped down from the chimney.
 
“I believe they are truly being intimate, Yoshi.
 
They do so often.”

“Stop calling me that!
 
My name isn’t
Yoshi
.
 
My name is
Jegudiel
.
 
I was tricked out of my name; your family won’t trick me again!
 
I am not your pawn.”
 
He stared at her, expecting her to fail as he knew she would.

“I’m sorry, Jeg—Jegudiel.”
 
She looked at her feet.
 
“I thought we could walk and get to know one another as friends and adults.
 
I want you to trust me again.”

“Why would I want to trust you?
 
So I can let my guard down and you can attack and hurt me once more?”

Bean shivered.
 
“I hurt you?”

“Your parents did and it was your fault!”
 
He remembered the pain and fear.
 
He flinched.
 
“You might as well have been the one hitting and kicking me!
 
That wouldn’t have been a first, you’re abusive!”
 
He paced.
 
“Why I covered for you I don’t know.
 
You
deserved what I got!
 
They should have smacked
you
around.
 
Your behavior is their fault!
 
Theirs for raising such a terrible child.
 
Letting you do as you want, being horrid role models for you!
 
It’s no wonder you are as bad as you are!”

She sucked in her lower lip and turned away from him.
 
“Oh, I see.”

Jegudiel clenched his hands.
 
He stalked forward and grabbed her shoulder, turning her around so that he could see her face.
 
She shrank from him, but only succeeded in drawing his anger out.
 
Jegudiel snarled.
 
“What are you upset about?
 
Sociopaths don’t have feelings and you’re not a child anymore you said so yourself!
 
You don’t get to cry like a baby!
 
I am not going to comfort you, Bean.
 
No one is.
 
Adults don’t get to be forgiven just because they want to be!
 
That’s not how it works, Bean.”

“I’m sorry.”

Jegudiel scoffed.
 
“What angle are you trying to play with this now?
 
Persuasion and deception don’t work so you switch to trying to illicit pity?”

She stared at his chest.
 
“No angle, I’m not upset, really.”
 
She wrung her hands.
 
“I’m f—fine.
 
I’m a big gi—girl.”

“You’re lying to me, Bean.”
 
Jegudiel’s chest hurt.
 
He grabbed her jaw forcing her head up.
 
“Are you finding it hard to face what you did to me?”
 
He held her tightly.
 
His anger grew, but at the touch, at the hurt in her eyes, he found himself keening for her.
 
He clenched his teeth, hating her for making him feel this way.
 
“You are sorry for attacking me?”

“Yes,” Bean said quietly.
 
“I am.”

“You won’t do it again?”
 
He shook her by her shoulders.
 
“You mean it?”

She looked up at him with unshed tears in her eyes.
 
“Of course I won’t do it again!”

“You’ve got it out of your system?
 
You’ve changed?”
 
He searched her eyes, drawn in by the honesty and vulnerability there.
 
Jegudiel’s heart ached as he realized he wanted to take advantage of her as she had taken advantage of him, he wanted her to feel as she had made him feel.
 
He wanted her to know what he had felt…he wanted her to hurt.
 
He breathed bitterness and steeled his heart against her.
 
“You’re a new girl?”

“Yes!”
 
A tear rolled down her cheek.
 
“I am so sorry!
 
Jegudiel, I never meant—”

He pushed her up against a wall and kissed her.
 
Bean stood rigid with surprise.
 
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
 
Bean closed her eyes and leaned into him.
 
Her heart soared and she smiled.
 
Jegudiel could feel her happiness and it stabbed at his guts.
 
A part of him wanted to respond honestly, to accept her, but a growing part wanted to take her happiness and tear it in two.
 
He clawed at her back, kissed her neck.
 
His hands brushed her wings.
 
Her body responded to his touch.
 
She purred and rubbed up against him.

Fire built in his groin as he reached for her pants.
 
He gasped and tore himself away from her.
 
He wiped his mouth as he backed away.
 
“No, you are the same.”

She touched her lips.
 
“Wh—what?”

Jegudiel looked at her with disgust.
 
“You haven’t changed.
 
Your heart hasn’t changed.
 
You feel the same to me.
 
There has been no transformation; you are as you were before.
 
You’re still not good enough.”
 
She reached for him; he backed away shaking.
 
“Do not touch me again.”

Bean stared at him confused.
 
“I don’t understand what just happened.”

He looked down at her.
 
“You are a liar and if you have your way, a soon to be slut just like your fathers.”

“What?”

He pointed at her body.
 
“If I had not stopped you would have given yourself to me without a second thought, just as you’ll give yourself to others.
 
Have you no regard for your virtue?”

“My
virtue?
”

“Are you so debased that you do not even know?
 
Or perhaps you were born a sullied girl, not fit for anyone but others like you.
 
Certainly not fit for me.”
 
He wiped his mouth, disgusted and attracted.
 
“Not fit for one that knows love.
 
I deserve better than you, Bean.
 
I am better than this.”

“Oh.”
 
She sank to her knees.
 
“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Bean.”
 
He forced his voice to be jovial.
 
“You’re just not good enough for my love, but we can still be friends.
 
You know that I don’t want your feelings to be hurt, right?
 
So you should accept the truth now and move on.”
 
He staggered.
 
“It will be better for you in the end.
 
I’m doing this for your own good.”

“Oh.”
 
Bean touched her blushing cheeks.
 
“I…Yoshi?”

“Don’t call me that, Bean.”
 
Jegudiel’s head pounded.
 
His body ached.
 
His bones ground against one another at the joints.
 
What was he doing?
 

She bit her lip.
 
“I hurt inside.
 
I hurt and I don’t know why.”

He fought tears and backed away.
 
“Do you?
 
What does it feel like to be hurt, Bean?
 
Do you feel helpless?”

“Yes.”
 
Bean stared at her shaking hands.
 
“It
aches
.
 
I do not know what to do to make it stop.”
 
She swallowed.
 
“I feel emptied.
 
Jegudiel?”

Jegudiel took another step back; he couldn’t look at her anymore.
 
He shuddered.
 
“What, Bean?”

“Help me.”
 
She reached out for him, bewildered.
 
“I…I don’t know what to do.
 
Please tell me what I should do.”

Jegudiel swallowed.
 
He had wanted to hurt her, now he had.
 
He had wanted to have the power, now he did.
 
He wanted to throw himself off the building and break his body on the street below.
 
He stared at his hands and gagged, repulsed by himself and by her.
 
He could not stop the bile that came out.
 
The pain was its own thing now, its own force inside it.
 
It took over.
 

“Go.”
 
He pointed out towards the city.
 
“I am positive you’ll find what you need in the arms of other men, or women, or whatever it is you’ll give yourself to.
 
You’ll feel better once you give yourself over to it.”
 
He folded his arms to keep her away.

Bean gazed at him.
 
“I will?
 
But I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”

Jegudiel stopped listening to her.
 
He opened his wings and turned away.
 
“I hope you find what you need, Bean.
 
It must be beyond appalling to live that way, to be afflicted with such base wants and behavior since birth and to not even know how horrid you are.”
 
He spoke to himself, “You are revolting.”