Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (14 page)

As the nation enters the holiday season, the festive mood is dampened by the intrusion of grim reality, as 137 Americans die in vicious predawn aisle-to-aisle combat over deeply discounted post-Thanksgiving Christmas sale items. Congress vows to remain on recess.

Abroad, the big news is the presidential election in the Ukraine, where the government, citing exit polls, declares that Viktor Yanukovych has defeated Viktor Yushchenko. Hundreds of thousands of outraged Ukrainians take to the streets, protesting the fact that they cannot remember which Viktor is which. Many threaten to move to Canada.

Meanwhile, the condition of Yasser Arafat, already worse than anybody believed possible, somehow worsens still more, until it becomes so bad that Arafat no longer responds to a medical procedure known technically as the Hatpin Test, at which point he is declared legally deceased. After a funeral service attended by a large and extremely enthusiastic crowd, he is buried in several locations.

In sports, a Pacers–Pistons NBA game in Detroit turns into a riot after Pacers star and rocket scientist Ron Artest, hit by a cup thrown by Fan A, retaliates by charging into the stands and attacking Fans B, C, and D. Explaining his actions later on
The Today Show,
Artest says he thought he “saw weapons of mass destruction.”

Speaking of sportsmanship, in…

DECEMBER

…the pro-baseball world is stunned by the unbelievably shocking and astounding and totally unexpected news that some players may have taken steroids. “Gosh,” exclaims baseball commissioner Bud “Bud” Selig, “this could explain why so many players suddenly develop two hundred additional pounds of pure muscle and, in some cases, a tail.” Seeking to restore fan confidence in the sport, the players' union and the team owners, in a rare display of cooperation, agree that it will be necessary to raise ticket prices.

In Washington, the cabinet shuffle continues as John Hargrove resigns as secretary of interstate affairs upon being informed, after four years in Washington, that there is no such cabinet position. “Under the circumstances,” states President Bush, “he did a heckuva job.”

On the military front, the president, in a move that sparks international outrage, announces that he is sending Ron Artest to Iraq. Meanwhile, the dollar continues to decline abroad, largely because of what U.S. Treasury secretary John Snow describes as “French waiters.”

In other international news, Iran continues to heatedly deny that it is developing nuclear weapons but is unable to offer a plausible explanation as to why it purchased two hundred pounds of enriched uranium on eBay. The United Nations, reacting to this crisis with unusual swiftness, resolves to do nothing.

In the Ukraine, weeks of massive street protests finally lead to a ruling by the Ukrainian supreme court that there must be a new election between the two Viktors, only this time “they have to wear name tags.” The protesters attempt to go back indoors only to discover that their shoes are frozen to the streets.

Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat continues to worsen.

And he is not alone. As we look back on the events of 2004, we sometimes get the feeling that the whole world is worsening. It would be easy to become depressed about the future, and yet…

…and yet we are not. As we approach the end of the year, we find ourselves feeling hope, optimism, and a warm glow of happiness. Why? Because we've been hitting the eggnog. We recommend you do the same. But whatever you do: Have a Happy New Year.

I
t was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way.

Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them “men.”

But women are supposed to be
better
than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality, and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men, such as mass murder and fantasy football.

But not this year. Women got CRAZY this year. Consider some of the more disturbing stories from 2005 and look at the names connected with them: Martha Stewart. Judith Miller. Valerie Plame. Jennifer “Runaway Bride” Wilbanks. Paris Hilton. Greta “All Natalee Holloway All the Time” Van Susteren. Harriet Miers. Katrina. Rita. Wilma. Michael Jackson.

Of course, not all the alarming stories from 2005 involved women. Some of them involved men, and at least one of those men was named “Scooter.” I'll be honest: I don't really know who “Scooter” is or what he allegedly did. He's involved in one of those Washington, D.C.–style scandals that are very, very important, but way too complicated for regular non-Beltway humans to comprehend. You try to read a Scooter story and next thing you know you're emerging from a coma weeks later with spiders nesting in your ears. But whatever Scooter allegedly did, it was bad. We know this because pretty much all the news this year was bad. Oh, sure, there were some positive developments. Here is a complete list:

• In some areas, the price of gasoline, much of the time, remained below $5 a gallon.
  
• Nobody you know caught avian flu. Yet.
  
• The Yankees once again failed to win the World Series.
  
• Cher actually ended her farewell tour.
  

That was it for the good news. The rest of 2005 was a steady diet of misery, horror, and despair, leavened occasionally by deep anxiety. So, just for fun, let's take a look back, starting with…

JANUARY

…when President George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term, pledging in his inauguration speech that, over the next four years, he will continue, to the best of his ability, trying to pronounce big words. In a strongly worded rebuttal, the Democratic leadership points out that when you get right down to it, there IS no Democratic leadership.

In other government news, President Bush's nominee to be U.S. attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. At one point, the Democrats threaten that if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. “No!” screams Gonzales. “Anything but that!”

On the social front, Donald Trump, in a lavish ceremony attended by many celebrities and helicopter pilots, marries his third or fourth wife, the lovely Mrs. Trophy Supermodel Trump. After the traditional Blessing of the Prenup, the couple retires to the honeymoon suite for an intimate evening involving champagne, scented candles, and a team of eight apprentices.

Johnny Carson, an oasis of wit in the wasteland, signs off for good.

In sports, the winner of the Orange Bowl—and thus the national college football championship—is Lance Armstrong, who is once again suspected of being on something.

Meanwhile, in Iraq, the first free elections in half a century are held under tense but generally scary conditions, with more than eight million Iraqis turning out to elect a National Assembly, whose idealistic goal in the coming months will be to not get blown up.

But the mood is more upbeat in…

FEBRUARY

…which dawns on a hopeful note in the Middle East, where Israelis and Palestinians, after decades of bitter violence and short-lived truces, are finally able to…

Never mind.

In other hopeful news, President Bush, seeking to patch up the troubled relationship between the United States and its European allies, embarks on a four-nation tour. When critics note that two of the nations are not actually located in Europe, the White House responds that the president was “acting on the best intelligence available at the time.”

On the domestic front, the president proposes, in his State of the Union speech, a plan to privatize Social Security so that it will be, quote, “more privatized.” In response, the Democratic leadership pledges to churn out irate press releases for a while, then totally loses interest. Within hours, Washington is back to normal as both sides resume the tedious but important bipartisan work of jacking up the federal deficit.

In sports, the Super Bowl is held for the first time in Jacksonville. Defying critics who mocked it as a backwater hick town, Jacksonville manages to host a fine event, marred only by the 143 spectators killed or wounded during the halftime raccoon shoot.

On the social front, Prince Charles gets formally engaged to Camilla Parker Bowles. The British public responds with sincere and heartfelt wishes that the happy couple will not reproduce.

In New York's Central Park, the artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude create
The Gates
—a twenty-three-mile-long work consisting of 7,503 fabric-draped metal structures. Within twenty minutes, every single one of these structures has been urinated on by a dog.

A study by researchers at the University of Utah proves what many people have long suspected: Everybody talking on a cell phone, except you, is a moron.

Meanwhile, as the nationwide identity theft epidemic worsens, FBI director Robert S. Mueller III pledges that he will make it the top priority of the bureau to find, and prosecute, the individuals charging stuff to his American Express card.

Speaking of financial hanky-panky, in…

MARCH

…a federal jury convicts former WorldCom executive Bernie Ebbers in connection with an $11 billion fraud that led to the bankruptcy of the telecom giant. Upon Ebbers's arrival at the federal prison, nearly $7 billion is recovered doing what shaken guards later describe as “the cavity search from hell.”

In economic news, financially troubled Delta Airlines announces that it will no longer offer pillows on its flights because passengers keep eating them. But the economy gets a boost when the jobless rate plummets, as hundreds of thousands of unemployed cable TV legal experts are hired to comment on the trial of Michael Jackson. Jackson is charged with ten counts of being a space alien freakadelic weirdo. Everybody agrees this will be very difficult to prove in California.

In a related story, a California jury finds that actor Robert Blake did not kill his wife. The jury also rules that John Wilkes Booth had nothing to do with the Lincoln assassination and that bears do not poop in the woods. In other celebrity legal news, Martha Stewart is released from prison. The next morning, in a chilling coincidence, all of the witnesses who testified against Martha wake up and discover, to their utter horror, that their sheets no longer match their pillowcases.

Meanwhile, in Washington, the U.S. House of Representatives takes time out from jacking up the deficit to look into the baffling mystery of whether professional baseball players suddenly develop gigantic muscles because they use steroids, or what. Former St. Louis Cardinal star Mark McGwire, who once held the major-league record for most home runs in a single season, arouses suspicions when he repeatedly denies, under oath, that he ever played professional baseball.

But the major issue facing our elected leaders in March clearly is not whether a bunch of overpaid athletes cheated. No, at a time when the nation is beset by serious problems in so many critical areas—including Iraq, terrorism, the economy, energy, education, and health care—the issue that obsesses our elected leaders to the point of paralyzing government at the federal, state, and local levels for weeks is: Terri Schiavo's feeding tube. This, unfortunately, is not a joke.

In entertainment news, controversial anchorman Dan Rather retires from CBS News with a poignant farewell speech, cut short when he is teleported up to the Mothership.

Speaking of people who read from TelePrompTers, in…

APRIL

…President Bush, in a decisive response to sharply rising gasoline prices, delivers a major speech proposing that Americans switch to nuclear-powered cars. In a strongly worded rebuttal, angry congressional Democrats state that because of a scheduling mix-up, they missed the president's speech, but whatever he said they totally disagree with it, and if they once voted in favor of it they did so only because the president lied to them.

In other Washington news, the U.S. Senate approves the appointment of John Negroponte to become the nation's first intelligence czar. His immediate task is to locate his office, which, according to a dossier compiled by the CIA, FBI, NSA, and military intelligence, is, quote, “probably somewhere in the United States or Belgium.”

On the economic front, financially troubled Delta Air Lines switches to pay toilets on domestic flights.

In Rome, the College of Cardinals gathers following the death of beloved pope John Paul II. As the world waits breathlessly, the cardinals, after two days of secret deliberations, order white smoke to be sent up the Sistine Chapel chimney, signaling that they have made their decision: Robert Blake is definitely guilty.

In sports, Tiger Woods claims his fourth Masters title with a dramatic play-off win over a surprisingly dogged Lance Armstrong.

As April draws to a close, the nation focuses its eyeballs on bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks, whose claim that she was abducted just before her wedding is undermined by a widely circulated photo of her in which her pupils appear to be the size of dinner plates. When it becomes clear that nothing actually happened—that there was no abduction and that Wilbanks is basically just a troubled person—the news media drop the story and move on to more important matters.

Ha-ha! Seriously, as April morphs into…

MAY

…the Runaway Bride story totally dominates the news, becoming so gigantically huge that some cable TV news shows are forced to divert precious resources from the Michael Jackson trial. But in the end sanity prevails, and Wilbanks is forced to accept responsibility for the trouble she has caused, ultimately selling media rights to her story for a reported $500,000.

In other show business news, millions of middle-aged people without dates wet their Luke Skywalker–model underpants with joy as they view the final installment of the beloved
Star Wars
series,
Star Wars MXCVII: Enough Already.
Fans hail it as the least tedious
Star Wars
in decades; many are stunned by the surprise ending, when it turns out that Darth Vader is actually Robert Blake. Director George Lucas announces that, having fulfilled his artistic dream, he will now retire and learn to write dialogue.

Tom Cruise, seeking to counter the increasingly widespread view that he is an orbiting space module, jumps up and down on Oprah's couch.

In world news, members of the newly elected Iraqi parliament demonstrate a surprisingly sophisticated grasp of the principles of American-style democracy by voting to build a $223 million bridge to a virtually uninhabited island off the coast of Alaska.