Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (11 page)

In yet another sign of declining national educational standards, a twelve-year-old Vermont girl wins the National Spelling Bee in Washington by spelling “horse.” She actually spells it “h-o-r-s,” but the judges rule that this is “close enough.”

In entertainment news, CNN switches to a new format that consists entirely of Larry King talking to former prosecutors about Laci Peterson.

Speaking of upbeat, in…

JUNE

…hopes for peace in the Mideast soar when President Bush meets with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in a landmark summit, which goes really well until gunfire erupts over the seating arrangements.

Meanwhile, a political controversy brews over a little-noticed statement in the president's January State of the Union address, in which he asserted that Iraq, under Saddam Hussein, was “located right next to Connecticut.” The CIA heatedly denies responsibility for the error, noting, “We clearly said Delaware.”

On the crime front, Martha Stewart is indicted on charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice. “Also,” states a federal prosecutor, “we believe that some of her casseroles contained human body parts.”

Speaking of unhealthy: An outbreak of monkeypox (really) forces federal authorities to ban the sale of, among other animals, Gambian giant pouched rats. It is not immediately clear why anybody would want a giant pouched rat or why such a person would not deserve to get a disease.

In sports, the University of Miami confirms reports that it is thinking about leaving the Big East athletic conference for the National Football League.

On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book,
Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers.
Another hot seller is Sen. Hillary Clinton's new book,
I Can't Help It If I'm a Saint,
in which, with great candor and openness, her ghostwriter reveals the most intimate details of Sen. Clinton's life, except the parts that might be interesting, which fall within Sen. Clinton's “Zone of Privacy.” Promoting her book on a nationwide, multicity “Zone of Privacy Tour,” Sen. Clinton repeatedly denies that she plans to run for president, insisting that she is totally dedicated to “representing my constituents in, you know, that state.”

North Korean troops, growing desperate for attention, announce plans to appear in a new “reality” TV show, tentatively titled
We Have Conquered Your Nation, Capitalist Scum,
but it is canceled when network executives find out that nobody involved is blond.

The downward spiral continues in…

JULY

…when President Bush goes to Africa for a five-day visit that goes quite well, considering the fact that the president, relying on U.S. intelligence reports, is under the impression he is touring Switzerland. Once the confusion is straightened out, the president has what the White House describes as a “very constructive meeting” with “a very influential group” of elephants.

Meanwhile, hopes for democracy dim in Iraq when the postwar governing council of Iraqi leaders, holding its first meeting, votes to hire James Carville. On a positive note, U.S. forces kill Odai and Qusai Hussein, who are immediately signed to appear on a “reality” TV show called
Who Wants to Take a Gander at the Bodies of Two Slimeball Dictator's Sons.

In the Caribbean, the U.S. Coast Guard intercepts a group of Cubans attempting to travel from Cuba to Florida in a 1951 Chevrolet pickup truck. The Coast Guard arrests the Cubans and sinks the truck after a computer check shows that it has an expired registration. “Also,” states the Coast Guard, “they were not signaling lane changes.”

Domestically, the big news is in California, where—in a catastrophe long predicted by geologists—a massive, violent tectonic shift opens a huge fault in the Earth's crust, releasing a vast mutant swarming horde of gubernatorial candidates. “It's terrible!” reports one rescue worker. “There's porn stars, washed-up actors, strippers, fanatics, lunatics, and somebody named Cruz Bustamante.” Federal troops are ordered into the state, where they immediately become stuck in traffic.

Disney World, in what turns out to be a hugely successful promotion, holds the first-ever “North Korean Troops Day.”

In sports, Lance Armstrong wins a record-tying fifth Tour de France and celebrates, as is traditional, by having his bicycle seat surgically removed from his butt.

In entertainment news, CNN, concerned about flagging viewer interest in the Laci Peterson format, switches to “All Kobe, All the Time.” The music industry, in what is seen as a last-ditch effort to halt the sharing of music files on the Internet, asks a federal judge to issue an injunction against “the possession or use of electricity.”

Speaking of which, the big domestic story in…

AUGUST

…begins on a quiet weekday morning in rural northern Ohio where eighty-three-year-old widow Eileen Freemonkle decides that, for a change, she will put two Pop-Tarts into her toaster instead of her usual one. This rogue action—never anticipated by the designers of the nation's electrical power grid—sets off a chain of events that ultimately blacks out the entire Northeast. As rescue crews work overtime trying to keep people in the affected areas supplied with news about the developing Kobe Bryant situation, Congress swings into emergency action. Within hours, Democrats and Republicans have issued literally hundreds of press releases blaming each other. Power is finally restored several days later by power company workers, aided by bored North Korean troops.

In Iraq, United States troops capture a cousin of Saddam Hussein known as “Chemical Ali”; a search of his person fails to uncover any weapons of mass destruction, but he is carrying a Bic pen that, as CIA analysts are quick to note, “could poke out somebody's eye.”

Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in human history, prompting Arnold Schwarzenegger to declare, to Jay Leno, that he is running for governor of California. In other political news, Howard Dean emerges as the leading Democratic presidential candidate thanks to a novel Internet fund-raising strategy in which he pretends to be a wealthy Nigerian businessman.

In a controversial ruling, the Alabama Supreme Court orders a monument depicting the Ten Commandments removed from the judicial building after an audit shows that it actually has fourteen commandments, including two that say “Roll Tide!” In other religious news, Episcopal church leaders, in a highly controversial decision following bitter debate, confirm the church's first openly Jewish bishop.

In the arts, Madonna, demonstrating the courage, creativity, and talent that have made her name synonymous with the word “Madonna,” kisses Britney Spears. This results in a worldwide tidal wave of publicity, followed by the emergence, on both performers, of lip sores.

And speaking of alarming, in…

SEPTEMBER

…Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

Meanwhile, President Bush goes before the United Nations General Assembly to ask for help in rebuilding Iraq. After enjoying a hearty international laugh, everyone adjourns for dinner at upscale Manhattan restaurants.

In domestic politics, Gen. Wesley Clark joins the crowded field of Democratic contenders and declares that, if he is elected president, his first official act would be “to actually register as a Democrat.” In other political news, the California governor's race is temporarily thrown into disarray when residents of the other forty-nine states file a class action lawsuit demanding the right to vote in the recall election on the grounds that “it's on TV all the time.”

But the hot political news is a huge scandal that erupts in Washington after conservative columnist Robert Novak writes a column in which he reveals that the wife of a guy who was critical of the Bush administration's Iraqi policy and went to Africa on a fact-finding mission is in fact a CIA agent (the wife is, we mean), which he (Novak) allegedly was improperly told by a high-level White House source, who some people allege is Karl Rove, although he (Rove), also Novak, heatedly denies this, and if you think this scandal is incomprehensible you are in the vast human majority, but people in Washington are still so excited about it that they have to change their underwear hourly.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Isabel makes landfall on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, forcing the evacuation of twenty-three thousand North Korean troops.

In the War on Telemarketing, a federal judge in Oklahoma blocks the implementation of the federal Do Not Call list on the grounds that it is unconstitutional. Hours later, he reverses the ruling on the grounds that his house is surrounded by people with torches.

There is another popular uprising in…

OCTOBER

…when the people of California, by a large majority, vote to send incumbent governor Gray Davis back to his pod. They replace him with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who wins easily despite allegations that he gropes women, which he assures the voters that he will never do in his capacity as governor “without a really good reason.” In his victory statement, Schwarzenegger announces that he will appoint a stunt governor, who will handle the tasks that he is physically unable to perform, such as pronouncing words.

In other California news, fires rage out of control in large sectors of the state, destroying hundreds of homes and an estimated twenty-seven thousand Starbucks.

In Washington, Congress approves President Bush's request for $87 billion to Iraqify Iraq so that it will be more Iraq-like. The money will also be used for the War on Terror, including $23.99 to pay for what is described as “a complete overhaul” of the U.S. intelligence community's Magic 8 Ball.

On the economic front, there is good news from the Commerce Department, which reports a sharp upturn in the nation's economy, credited primarily to spending by North Korean troops.

In the Democratic presidential race, Sen. Bob “Bob” Graham drops out of the presidential race, narrowing the Democratic field to 2,038 people if you count Dennis Kucinich.

In a surprising development, conservative radio-talk-show host Rush Limbaugh shocks his millions of listeners when, confirming tabloid reports, he reveals on his popular syndicated show that he is, biologically, a woman. He promises to get treatment.

In immigration news, federal agents in twenty-one states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants. The agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars' worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.

China, culminating a two-decade effort to develop a manned spaceflight program, puts its first astronaut in orbit. Work begins immediately on a program to develop a way to get him back down.

In health news, authorities in Boston, Chicago, and New York report a rash of suicide attempts after the Florida Marlins, a franchise with essentially the same amount of tradition as Britney Spears, win their second World Series in six years. The Marlins are helped by a fluke play in the National League play-offs when a foul ball, about to be caught by Cubs outfielder Moises Alou, is deflected by a man who is later identified as a Fiesta Bowl official.