Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down

More praise for
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!

Also by Dave Barry

The Taming of the Screw
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead
Claw Your Way to the Top
Bad Habits
Dave Barry’s Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits
Dave Barry Slept Here
Dave Barry Turns 40
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need
Dave Barry Does Japan
Dave Barry Is
Not
Making This Up
Dave Barry’s Gift Guide to End All Gift Guides
Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs
Dave Barry Is from Mars
and
Venus
Dave Barry Turns 50
Big Trouble

P
eople often ask me: “Dave, what is the best thing about being a professional humor columnist?

I always answer: “The best thing is that I can help others and make the world a better place.”

Then everybody has a hearty laugh, because, of course, I am lying. In fact, that’s one of the great things about being a humor columnist: You can lie! You get PAID to lie! What other profession can say that?

OK, lawyers. But they have to wear suits. Whereas we humor columnists can wear whatever we want. We could report to work in a giant squirrel costume, and our employers would not question it. They might even be
impressed
by it, and remark upon it positively in our annual Job Performance Review. (“Shows good initiative. Came to work in squirrel costume.”)

When you are a professional humor columnist, people cut you a large amount of slack. I have an office at
The Miami Herald
, a serious, major metropolitan newspaper. Here are some of the items that I keep in that office:

 … and much,
much
more. And guess what? Nobody thinks it’s odd that I have these items in my office. Because it’s
not
odd. These are all
work-related items
. I obtained every one of them in the course of doing my job as a professional humor columnist. They are the Tools of My Trade!

My point is that I have a wonderful job. It’s WAY better than other so-called “prestige” jobs, such as neurosurgeon or president of the United States. Don’t believe me? Let’s compare the key elements of the three professions:

So the facts are clear: By any objective standard of measurement, there is no better profession than humor columnist. That is why so many people want my job. It looks so easy! In fact, as you read the columns in this book, you may find yourself thinking: “Hey,
I
could do this.
Any
random person could do this!”

That is where you are wrong, my friend. It takes a very special
kind
of random person to be a humor columnist. Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession. After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Do you think you could do this job? Do you have what it takes to be a truly
professional
humor columnist? To find out, take the following multiple-choice quiz:

1. The part of the newspaper that you turn to first is:
   
   1. The front page.
      
   2. The editorial page.
      
   3. The page that says what time
      The Simpsons
      is on.
      
2. The primary purpose of a newspaper column is to:
   
   1. Inform the readers about all sides of important issues.
      
   2. Change readers’ minds through reasoned argument.
      
   3. Contain the phrase “weasel boogers.”
      
3. What is the best resource to consult when confirming a fact?
   
   1. The encyclopedia.
      
   2. The Internet.
      
   3. Confirming a
      what
      ?
      
4. As a journalist, you should always carry a notepad because it enables you to:
   
   1. Accurately recall conversations and events.
      
   2. Maintain a record of your research.
      
   3. Remove food wads trapped between your teeth.
      
5. If you were given the opportunity to ask one question of the Pope, what would that question be?
   
   1. “What do you hope will be your legacy to future generations?”
      
   2. “What is the greatest moral threat facing humanity today?”
      
   3. “Can I wear your hat?”
      
6. You write a column containing a so-called “joke” that is so tasteless, insensitive, juvenile, vicious, and cruel that thousands of readers write or call the newspaper to state that they are deeply offended. You should:
   
   1. Apologize to them in a column.
      
   2. Apologize to them in a public forum.
      
   3. Threaten to cancel their subscriptions.