Dark Nebula (The Chronicles of Kerrigan) (24 page)

Whoa! Who’s talking about having babies?
She ju
st wanted a little action.
“
I wasn’t
—
I had no inten
—
”

Devon
continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “N
or am I ready to deal with the Council
finding out
. Think of
the hatred we’
d be treated with.
I spent my life being taught about why
tatùs
shouldn
’
t be together.
The dangers for us or
—
a child?
A
s much as I
loathe my thoughts
, I can’t help but
be paranoid that
what we’re doing
is
selfish.”

“
Loathe?” What a
stupid
word
.
S
o British
.
She hated how he always hid behind the wall of responsibility.
She frowned
, suddenly itching for a fight
. “
Are you scared of me,
Devon
?” She
had
heard
everything
he said
and she had a problem with almost every word
.

“Of course not.”
He blinked and pulled his head back.

“
You do realize
I’m a result of
that
selfishness
you speak of
?
” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice.
What a way to
ruin an evening
.
Her hands moved
demonstratively
as she spoke.
“
I’m
the
result of your worst fears
!
Yet,
you say you’re not afraid of me
?
”
Maybe it
had all been
Desiree’s
tatù
, not
our
real feelings.
How
can
he possibly desire someone he fears?
“
Do you believe I’m evil?”

“
You’re jokin’ right? You
can’t be serious.
”
Devon
’s brows rose. When Rae didn’t move or answer, he threw his hands up. “
You know I don’t think
you’re evil
!
You ha
ve your father’s
tatù
,
but
also
your moth
er’s goodness and love.” He rubbed his temple
.
“This is totally going off topic.”

Rae pulled herself off the couch
and stood rigid in front of him, arms crossed
.
There were things she suddenly wanted to know
Devon
’s thoughts
on
.
“
This is not at all off topic!
Do you think children are born evil?
Or do you think evil is a result of
one
’
s
environment
,
or something else?”

He
jerked
his hand through his hair
again. “I
ca
n’t believe we are having this conversation.”

“Answer the question,
Devon
!
”

“I don’t know.”
He paused, as if to collect his thoughts.
“I don’t think children are born evil.
Maybe there’s a gene
which
predisposes them to want to do wrong.
” He sighed. “
I think if that’s true, then their environment would be what would bring out their wickedness or keep it tucked away.”

“So,
logically,
if one day we
got married
,
and
decide
d
to have children,
our
child would mo
st likely be good
--
look at you and me
!
E
ven if there’
s a hint of my father’s genes,
he or she
could still be a normal, happy person
.”
Hadn’t she spent most of last year terrified she was
suddenly
going
to turn into her father
? T
o simply wake up one day and have morphed into a monster overnight?
What a ridiculous fear! I can’t believe I have wasted so much time being afraid of something so stupid.

“That’s not
—
I don’t
—
how is this even a subject for us to discuss?”
Devon
stuttered, unable to finish a thought intel
ligently. It was a side of him
Rae had never seen, and it scared her.
Devon
was always composed, always able, always in control. To see him at a loss, out of control, it was terrifying, and only served to jack up her tension and insecurity.

“So if you don’t think I’m evil, there must be some other problem. Are you ashamed of me? Because I’m Simon Kerrigan’s spawn? Is that it?”
Anger and a sinking sense of loss and betrayal warred for dominance in Rae’s heart. The previous year,
Devon
had been the first to tell her about her father’s terrible legacy, but he had also been the first to see her as herself, rather than Simon Kerrigan’s daughter. Or so she has thought. Now, she wasn’t sure what to think. Tears coursed down her cheeks.

“Slow down
!
”
Devon
’s eyes gre
w big.
He reached for
one of her folded arms and grabbed her
hand
to hold
it tight.
“
This is so frustrating!” He
pulled her close, letting her cry, rubbing her back and begging her to calm down. Bit by bit, it worked. After a time, he
hugged her a moment and
then held her slightly away, his hands resting on her shoulders. “Not you, you’re not frustrating. Everything else
is
. You’re this awesome, amazing girl
!
You could have any guy, and
yet
you pick me.”

Why wouldn’t
she
?
Wasn’t it the other way around?
Why did
Devon
like her?

“I’
m the luckiest guy
!
I don’t want to screw this up. I
—
I just
can’t shake a lifetime of
teaching
to
satisfy
my physical desires.
”

Teaching? Seems more li
ke societal superstition to me.

He twirled a piece of her hair between his fingers and stared absently past her. “
You haven’t had
it
ingrained since you began school
.
It’s like trying to learn that fire doesn’t burn you. It’s almost instinctual to think that it’s wrong
.”

If he thinks we’re so wrong together, how could this ever be right
?
“Are you trying to
re-
start
the
fight?”
Are you saying I’m ignorant now ‘cause I haven’t been taught?
Tears rushed to
her eyes
again
but
she
refused to let
any of them
fall.

“No, I’m not
.”
He
stepped back and
sat
on the desk, his fist pounded the top of it
.
“I don’t
even
know
where this freakin’
argument
came from
and I never want to see you cry again
.
”
A long, exasperated breath escaped his lips.

Rae
didn’t
understand
his frustration
.
H
er
point
was sound
.
So what if
I
still h
a
ng
onto
th
e
childhood
fantasies that love
c
an
conquer all
?
If he want
s
to take things slow, fine with
me
. But does he have to keep saying that us being together is wrong?
She
had always
believed
that he would
eventually
be alright with everything
,
and get tired of living in
secret.
She had never considered what would happen after that
, but
she had
never doubted that it would, eventually, happen.
Now
,
she wasn’t so sure.
It felt like he was blindsiding her with this, but she realized that the reality was that these feelings had been inside him all this time, but
he had
kept it from her.
It seemed clear, no matter how much she wanted it not to be true, that these opinions of his were real and long-standing.
Unless the Anna-chick ha
s
something to do with it.
She clenched her jaw, forcing her thoughts to stay just that – thoughts.
Letting her doubts and insecurities out into the open would only give them more power, and she knew instinctively that it would ruin any chance she and
Devon
had at happiness. She thought back to the previous year, when
Devon
had still been dating his “normal” ex-girlfriend from Roe Hampton.
Devon
had broken off the relationship. They had never discussed it, but Rae suspected he had done so after realizing his feelings for her. They had not started dating until the end of the year, before she left for the summer, but it showed that
Devon
couldn’t fight his feelings for her forever. Maybe the same could be said for this situation.

Maybe
he just needs time to see it for himself
.
Fighting wouldn’t solve anything. She needed to show him
that they belonged together
.
She walked over
and
gave
him
a short tentative
hug
.
“Truce?”
For now.

He stroke
d
her hair.
“We’ll get this sorted
,
both of us, together
.” H
e kiss
ed
the top of her head.

She
forced a
smil
e
and looked
up
at him.
“Then, I’d better get goin
g back to my dorm. Madame Elpis’ll
be starting her bedroom checks.”

“Go, before we get cau
ght
,
” h
e
said
but made
no
effort to push her away.

“
Alright
y
, I’m going.”
She sigh
ed
and
kissed him once more
before she reluctantly pulled away
.
H
ead
ing
towards the
door
,
she
lick
ed
her lips to taste him one last time.
In the hallway, s
he
turned to wave at him before
disappearing down the
stairwell.
Something
had
changed tonight and she knew things were going to be different between them.

She raced back to Aumbry House, making no sound as she came in the door. No one was around. The halls were quiet.
Alone on the antique marble stairs,
she let her tears of frustration fall.
H
ow
would
things
turn out,
if they were
two teenagers without
tatùs
, without the world of responsibility resting on their shoulders
?
She wished their lives
were
that
simple.