Dark Desire (11 page)

“How dare you?” I scream. “You just abused me in front of everyone because I dared to mention your
father was sorry. How is it ok for you to hate him, but not ok for me to hate my mother?”

“Your
mother was sick, she was fuckin’ sick. She never meant it and she has worked to fix it. My father wasn’t sick; he did it because he could. There’s a fuckin’ difference and if you can’t see it you’re more self-absorbed than I first thought.”

Self-absorbed
? I crumble. My body begins trembling with shame. Everyone is staring at me, even Ava is standing beside Angel, not daring to interrupt. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I drop my head and my hair falls over my face. That’s when Aunt Haggard decides to have her say.

“You need to leave, he deserves to much better than you. Darkness is all you are, and he doesn’t need darkness.”

I snap my head up and I glare at her with rage.

“Haven’t you ever had darkness in your life? Haven’t you ever lived through som
ething that tested who you were and changed everything? How dare you stand here and judge me, you don’t know me. He is allowed to judge me, he knows me, but you…” I snarl shoving my finger in her face. “You have no right. I’m leaving, so go ahead and comfort yourself with pathetic gossiping about someone you don’t know.”

I look around at the group of men standing behind
Jagger; they’re all staring at me. They’re not glaring but their side has been chosen since the start. They’re his brothers; they will never be anything but. I meet Jagger’s gaze once more, and then I raise my head and nod.

“We’re done
Jagger; get one of the men to drop my things off.”

Then I turn and walk out, letting the waterfall of tears cascade down my face.

CHAPTER 8

“Willow!”

Jagger’s voice fills th
e night as I rush down the sidewalk. I don’t stop.

“Stop!”

I don’t.

“Fucking stop!”

He grips my arm when he catches up and spins me around. I shove his hand from my arm and snarl at him.

“Leave me be. Haven’t you had enough? How much more do you want to share with the world about me Jagger? How much m
ore do you want to sink me? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“You can’t be
alone; your life is in danger.”

“I don’t
care; it’s not your problem anymore.”

“It is my problem,
you’re my problem.”

“I have no interest in getting any help from you.

“I can’t take no for an answer, sorry.”

I glare at him and then turn and begin walking off. He grips my arm again.

“Willow you’re not safe!”

I spin around and the tears thunder heavily down my cheeks.

“What do you want from me Jagger? You just shot me down in front of everyone and now you want me to go with you? How much do you think I can take? How much do you want to put me through?”

“I want you safe,
ok? I won’t rest if you’re not safe.”

“Leave me be, please.”

“I can’t do that, I’m sorry.”

He leans down and before I know it, I’m over his shoulder. I scream and pummel his back, but he doesn’t let me go. Even with a bandaged hand, he’s still stronger than me. He strides purposefully down the sidewalk until he reaches the complex. Everyone is still standing and talking. They stare wide eyed when he walks past them and into his apartment. He carries me to his room and throws me on the bed.

“Let me go, you’re not keeping me prisoner again Jagger!”

“No, I’m not
, but I won’t let you get hurt either.”

“I’m not staying with you!”

“You don’t get a choice.”

“Then give me another room, I don’t want to sleep anywhere near you.”

“When are you going to stop?” He barks, tossing a set of keys across the room.

“Stop what?” I cry.

He glares at me, his blue eyes are raging. “Stop running from every bad thing in your life. What I did out there was for your own good?”

“How do you figure that?” I snarl.

“You have to stop running, stop blocking people out every time something goes wrong. Fuck Willow, you have people who care.”

“Yeah, you clearly showed how much you cared out there before!”

“I’m sorry I did that in front of everyone, but I snapped.”

“Good for you Jagger, now leave me alone.”

I turn and storm out of the room, heading towards the guest room. When I reach it, I fling the door open and flick on the light. It’s a bland room, with pale walls, dark furnishings and a queen sized bed with maroon covers. I close the door behind me and step in. I need a shower, I need to think. My mind is a muddled mess and everything inside me hurts.

I step into the bathroom and slowly remove my clothes. So many things hurt right now, so many conflicting e
motions. Jagger is right and that hurts. I know I’ve been hiding, desperately trying to protect myself. I know I’m just a pain in his ass, with all my darkness. I turn the shower on and step in; I fill my palm with soap and wash my body.

That’s when I spot the razor. So many things go through my mind. He’s right about me thinking about it, and I hate that. I hate that I feel the need to turn towards pain when things get rough. I hate that my mind leads me down the road of thinking I’m not good enough and that it’d be easier just to end it.
I clutch the razor in my hand and I swallow.

I can be better than
this; I can stop this now and move on. I can make myself better, if I really want to. I don’t have to be this way. I don’t have to crumble. The urge to ignore the right thing is strong, and a big part of me just wants to take the pain away. I wish people could understand the heartbreaking urge I feel when I’m hurting, the urge to hurt myself more. I don’t want to be this way. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to think like this.

“Put it down, baby, put it down.”

My head snaps up and I see Jagger standing at the door. I realize I’ve got my hand wrapped so tightly around the razor that blood is trickling from my finger. I wasn’t going to hurt myself, I was getting around it; I was talking it away. I know it doesn’t look that way to him though, I know right now I look completely unhinged.

“Baby, come on, let it
go.”

I open my mouth to answer, but the only sound that comes out is a pained sob.

“Baby…”

He steps forward, but I don’t move. He reaches into the s
hower and grips my wrist gently and then gives my hand a good shake. The razor drops to the floor. I look up to meet his eyes and I can see the agony in them.

“I wasn’t…” I whisper. “I wasn’t going to do anything, for the first time…I was fighting it.”

He narrows his eyes. “Your hand is bleeding.”

“I…I didn’t realize I was holding it so tight.”

“Do you know what it’s like for me to walk in here and see you like this?”

“I was thinking, I honestly didn’t mean to do that. For the first time in a long time, I was fighting it and it felt ok…it felt ok…”

“What I did out there, Willow, I shouldn’t have done that in front of everyone. I meant what I said, but it was wrong of me to broadcast it like that.”

I nod, weakly. He’s soaked now
and still fully clothed. I feel my shoulders slump, and there are so many things I want to say to make this ok. I want to tell him that he’s right and I want to change. I want to tell him that I don’t want to run anymore, I just want to fix this, but I say only one thing.

“I love you Jagger, I truly do.”

He strokes my cheek. “I know you do, and fuck, if I didn’t know it I wouldn’t fight the way I do.”

I lower my head, pressing it against his chest.

“Come on, you need some sleep.”

He scoops me up into his arms, soaking wet and turns the shower off. He wraps a towel around me and carries me down the hall to his bedroom.
When we get in, he places me on the bed and dries me with the towel, neither of us speaking. The tension is thick, so thick it hurts. My heart is pounding angrily against my rib cage, desperately wanting me to relieve the pressure by talking to Jagger, but my pride is not letting that happen.

When he’s dried me, he changes his clothes in the bathroom and comes back out fully dressed. I guess I’m going to bed alone. His eyes meet mine and so much passes between us, and yet neither of us
is willing to speak. I know he’s waiting for me to say something, and I’m waiting for him to say something…and so neither of us is saying anything. Stupid isn’t it?

“Well, I’m gonna go and get my hand stitched up.”

I stare down at his bandaged hand, Maggie bandaged it but I knew he would need stitches.

“Do you want me to come?”

“No, stay here. I’ll be back.”

He walks over and puts a kiss on my forehead, then turns to leave.

“Jagger, I’m sorry for not telling you about your dad right away…”

He pauses at the door and looks over his shoulder at me.

“It’s forgotten.”

Then he leaves and I
know that it’s far from forgotten.

CHAPTER
9

I roll, toss, turn and eventually give up trying to sleep. I get up and flick the light on, Jagger still isn’t back. It’s two am and he’s not here. My heart clenches with a hurt that goes so incredibly deep. I fucked up, pure and simple. I don’t know how to make that better, I don’t know how to make him see I want to change. Maybe it’s too late for that, maybe I don’t have a chance to fix this. I pull out my phone and text him.

W: I can’t sleep, I miss u. Where did u go?

Then I text Ava and Jenny,

W: Girls, I’m sorry things
have been off lately. I miss u both, can we do lunch tomorrow? Just us.

A: Hell yeah babe, we’re there!

J: I’ll always have time to do lunch with u. Our favorite café?

I text them both back with an ok,
and then I glance at my phone screen waiting for a message from Jagger. It comes through ten minutes later.

J: I’m at the bar. I’ll b home soon.

W: I thought your hand was all damaged…

J: I got stitches. It’s fine.
C u soon.

I sigh and close my
eyes; I’ve really fucked this one. I get up and walk into the bathroom, and I stare at myself in the mirror. So much is different about me, and yet so much is the same. Which part of me do I want to hold on to? I stare at the dark hair and green eyes in the mirror, and I don’t see me anymore. I spin around and strip off my clothes, and then I get into the shower and start scrubbing my hair.

I wash it ten times, rinsing the semi-permanent color out. It was meant to last eight weeks, or
twenty something washes, but I want it out now. Once I’ve washed and dried, I check the color out in the mirror. It’s not quite the dark red it was before, but more a dark brown with a red tinge. It’s pretty, and nearly my old color. A few more washes and it will go back. I dry it and brush it out, and then I walk back out into the room.

Jagger is just coming through the door when I step out. His good hand reaches up and he leans against the door frame staring at me. I can see in his eyes that he’s been drinki
ng, he gets that faraway look. I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know how to make it better, so I just do what I’ve been so desperate to do since earlier in the evening, I walk over and place my hands on his chest, then I lean up and kiss him.

At first he doesn’t respond, he just sort of stands there. With a new determination, I continue kissing him. I slide my tongue over his bottom lip, and I
nibble his jaw. He makes a grunting sound, so I know I’m getting somewhere. He smells of whiskey mixed with Jagger and it’s an intoxicating smell. I want to wrap it around me so I can wake up to it every day. I pull back for a moment and stare up at Jagger; he’s looking down at me with an intense gaze.

I reach for his shirt, and gently begin pulling it over his head. He doesn’t stop me, but he doesn’t say anything either. He just stands there, staring at me. When he’s shirtless, I put my hands on his warm chest and slide my fingertips down it. When I reach his abs, I relish in the feel of them bunching and moving beneath my palms as I stroke them.

I step back before I take off his jeans, and I begin undressing myself. He stares at me with that hungry gaze, but he still hasn’t spoken or made any move towards me. He’s just standing in that spot, letting me work him over. So that’s what I do. I slide the shirt I was wearing over my head, and I see his eyes burn with desire when they fall on my breasts.

I reach down and grip my panties, sliding them off and tossing them at his feet. A ghost of a smile plays around his lips, but he doesn’t speak. Damn this silence. When I’m standing before him naked, I reach up and let my hair down and it tumbles down my back. His eyes widen when he sees the color has changed. I step forward and hook my thumbs in his jeans, pulling him forward.