Daring to Dream (8 page)

I won’t lie and say much of it was glamorous. If we got a dressing room we felt lucky. I’ve got changed in caravans, toilets, the back of the van – you name it. If we did get a changing room they were rarely clean and often didn’t have a toilet or running water. If you were in the room the night after a stripper had performed you’d find banana skins and dirty thongs and all sorts stuck to the carpet. There are only a handful of clubs that have got it properly sorted when it comes to dressing rooms, and performing in some really lovely places since
The X Factor
really opens your eyes to how nice they can be with even just a little bit of effort.

I’m not the demanding type and I don’t expect a lavish rider (the food and drink you can request for your dressing room) or anything, but even just having somewhere to sit down and make a cup of tea makes a massive difference. Performing at G-A-Y in London is always a real treat because you get so spoilt. The owner Jeremy Joseph has got it so
right. There are massive tubs of sweets and a fridge full of drinks and it’s heaven. Even now when I perform live I only ever ask for tea, a kettle and milk, and half the time I take my own Tetley with me because I like a nice strong brew. If I can get sandwiches for the crew as well then it’s a bonus because hungry people are unhappy people. If there isn’t food I’ll sometimes bring it in because I think it’s only fair to feed the people who are working hard for you. It doesn’t hurt to buy a few cheese sandwiches.

I’ve heard some pretty shocking stories about peoples’ riders. We always got wine gums in our dressing rooms backstage at
The X Factor
, but we never, ever got the black ones. A certain judge, who I won’t name, only liked the black ones, so some poor runner used to have to go through packets and packets of them and sift them out. It was nice that we got free sweets, but my favourites are the black ones too, so I used to be gutted where there wasn’t a single one to be found! I honestly can’t think of anything worse than some poor sod having to do that for me. It’s in my nature to make sure everyone else is all right before I am, so I would hate for anyone to feel like they have to bow down to me. In my opinion no one is better than anyone else in this world, regardless of job or background. I won’t be demanding a bowl of yellow M&Ms anytime soon.

Sadly, when the smoking ban came in it kind of killed off clubs as we knew them. People wanted to be able to go to a club and sit down and have a drink and a fag, not have
to go and stand outside in the cold every time they wanted to smoke. Because of that more and more people started to stay at home where they could do what they wanted in the comfort of their own living rooms. The social club numbers slowly dwindled and in 2002 I felt like the band was coming to its natural end; certainly for me it was. I missed my family and I wanted to move back down to London. I wanted to try my hand at acting and I found an agent who told me they were holding auditions for
EastEnders
. I was well up for it. I hadn’t done any acting but I wasn’t going to let that hold me back. I was mulling over how I was going to tell Tony and Gary and I was days away from breaking the news when, in (wait for it) another case of terrible timing, I met a guy and my plans kind of fell by the wayside.

Jason, as we’ll call him, was a DJ in some of the clubs in Leicester. He was a good-looking lad and very sure of himself, always really well turned out in a nice shirt. One night when I was out with some mates we swapped numbers. I’ve always been quite insecure when it comes to men and whenever I’ve been out with people I’ve always thought ‘What do they see in me?’ I’ve never felt quite good enough for anyone. At the time I was slim with a six-pack and I dressed well, so I can’t have looked too bad, but I didn’t feel particularly attractive. Jason and I had a lot in common because we were both really into our music and we started hanging out together a lot. Before you can say ‘turntable’ we were a couple and all thoughts of London and
EastEnders
flew out of my head.

One night I was performing with the Tony Carnagie band in a club called Houston’s in Leicester. Jason came along and he brought his mate Craig with him. One of my friends told me afterwards that when I walked out on stage Craig’s jaw dropped because some of the outfits I wore didn’t leave a lot – or indeed anything – to the imagination. I used to wear really tight dresses and bikinis and all sorts. A group of us went clubbing afterwards and when we went to get a taxi home I was freezing because I was wearing next to nothing. Jason was so busy chatting to his mates he hadn’t even noticed I was almost blue and shivering, but Craig got his coat and wrapped it round me and I thought it was such a sweet thing to do.

I carried on seeing Jason and I did really like him, but I started to hear rumours that he was cheating on me. I went round to his house just after Valentine’s Day and he had a slushy card from another girl up. He tried to tell me that one of his mates had sent it as a joke but I was nobody’s fool. I put two and two together from all of the things I’d been hearing and it all made perfect sense, so I finished with him there and then. Shortly afterwards I started getting stomach aches and when I went to the doctor it turned out Jason had given me an STD. I was furious and it showed me that I’d definitely made the right decision. What an idiot. I couldn’t believe someone else had cheated on me and I felt so let down, especially as I’d sacrificed opportunities for him. I decided I needed some time on my own and I threw myself
back into work. I was still planning to go back to London but to go while I was still feeling hurt didn’t feel right.

About a month later, on 2nd May 2002, I felt ready to go out and enjoy myself again, so one Friday night some mates and I went out clubbing in Leicester. They always say that you find love when you least expect it and I certainly wasn’t looking for it that night. It was the last thing on my mind. I was still angry about the situation with Jason and I wasn’t looking to get into another relationship. I just wanted to have a good time with my friends.

My mates and I were all on the dance floor when this weird guy came over and started dancing far too close to us for it to be comfortable. It all felt a bit pervy and wrong, so I left the dance floor to get a drink. The first person I bumped into was Craig and I immediately thought ‘This night is not going well at all’. The last person I wanted to see was Jason, and the second-to-last people were Jason’s mates. This was one of the very rare nights when I’d had a couple of drinks, so my guard was down a bit and Craig and I started chatting. After about an hour my flatmate Melissa shouted over, ‘Are you two going to kiss or what?’ With that, Craig leant over and snogged me! It was so weird because I’d always thought he was a nice guy, but I’d never thought of him in
that
way because I’d been with Jason. I would never look at another guy romantically if I was already attached; to me he was just ‘Jason’s nice mate’.

As soon as Craig and I started kissing I knew I liked him. The attraction between us was massive. I remember going
to the loo and I got a text from him saying, ‘Where are you babe?’ He’d thought I’d done a runner and left him! At the end of the night we had a bit of a slow dance to Will Young’s ‘Evergreen’ while we were waiting for our cabs to arrive and he was so lovely to me. I can’t explain why but he felt different to other guys somehow. I felt happy just being around him, and I know it’s a cliché but we got on so well it was like we’d known each other for years.

When we all piled into the taxis Melissa said to Craig, ‘You can come back to our flat if you like?’ I was really hoping he’d say no because I didn’t want him to think he was going to get lucky, but in the end we sat up all night talking on the sofa. He left early the next morning and I felt genuinely sad when he went. I had a gig that night and on the way in the van something inside me clicked and I knew I had to text him. Forget being cool and playing games, I liked this guy and life’s too short. I sent him a text asking if he wanted to go for dinner the following night and he sent me a message straight back saying, ‘Sorry, I always go to my mum’s for Sunday dinner.’ I was wounded – he’d blown me out for his mum’s cooking! I resigned myself to the fact he wasn’t interested because I hadn’t slept with him so I replied with a really causal text saying, ‘No problem. Let’s leave it’. Later that night I got a phone call from him saying that he’d cancelled Sunday dinner because he really wanted to see me. Yeeeeeees!

For our very first date we went to the Toby Carvery in Leicester. Afterwards he wanted to show me where he lived
and he drove me to the house we still live in now. Back then everything was blue and it was a proper lads’ pad. His wardrobe had about five shirts in it and his kitchen cupboards were pretty much empty. He was a full-on bachelor. I started going round every day to hang out and then he’d drop me back at home in the evening. After about two weeks he said nervously, ‘Why don’t you stay the night?’ and from then on we became a proper couple.

I went from coming over during the day to staying the night to never going home. Within two weeks my toothbrush was in the bathroom and within about a month I’d moved in permanently. Obviously I immediately started making the place more girlie and homely so it felt more like
our
place. I also made him get rid of any traces of
ex-girlfriends
. Anything that had a link to an ex went into the bin. Even though Craig made me really happy, the old insecurities were still hanging around.

I know for a fact I wasn’t easy when I first got together with Craig because I was convinced he was going to cheat on me like the other guys. If he was in a pub and I called and heard a girl’s voice in the background I would threaten to leave him because I’d convince myself that he was being unfaithful. I must have been a nightmare. He couldn’t go anywhere or do anything because I was sure that he either had already cheated on me or he was going to. It was a difficult time because I needed reassurance, but I also didn’t want him to feel stifled or push him away. Craig handled it brilliantly and
responded by being deeply romantic and making me feel so secure. It was the first time someone had properly taken care of me rather than me taking on the mothering role.

I got back from a gig once and Craig told me that I had to go straight upstairs and have a bath and I wasn’t allowed to look out of the windows. When I came back downstairs he’d made a picnic in the garden and lit candles. It was the loveliest thing a boyfriend had ever done for me. He used to leave teddies out with notes saying ‘I’m your teddy’ and he’d plan nights out for us. He’ll kill me for telling you all of this because his mates will give him hell!

Before long we were making a proper commitment to each other. We got a dog. She was a springer spaniel called Molly and we’ve still got her to this day. She’s a bit old and smelly now but she’s still lovely. She’s been with us through everything and I don’t know what I’ll do if anything happens to her. She’s such a big part of our family and our kids love her.

I continued singing with the band and in January 2003 Danny Davies called me and asked if I would be interested in entering the Eurovision Song Contest because he had a song he wanted to submit. I had my reservations because it’s a bit of a car crash and the UK always ends up with nil points. Some of the events I would have to commit to also clashed with our upcoming holiday in Thailand, which Craig was really loathe to cut short. He was so insistent that we had to go on this holiday and enjoy it in its entirety
and I had no idea why. I assumed he was worried about my ego getting bruised if I was a Euro-flop. But I soon out found the real reason.

I let Danny down gently and put the Eurovision opportunity to the back of my mind. In February Craig and I jetted off to Thailand for this amazing two-week holiday. One night we were in Bangkok and neither of us could sleep. We’d both taken presents for each other for Valentine’s Day, so we got them out of the safe and I sat on the bed waiting for him to come and open his. All of sudden he fell to his knees and I thought he’d fallen over. Then suddenly he burst out, ‘Will you marry me?’ I think we all know what my answer was… I was completely overwhelmed. I honestly wasn’t expecting it but it was the best surprise in the world. We had another ten days in Pattaya to look forward to and we spent the whole time celebrating. When we got home we had a big engagement party at Tony and Gary’s and I don’t think I stopped smiling all night.

Craig and I sat down and talked about what we wanted do for our big day. I think because my parents were no longer together I didn’t want a big traditional do. We weighed up the options and decided to get married in Las Vegas. We remortgaged the house and took out £25,000 so we had money to do the things we most wanted. We had a conservatory built on to the house, new windows and also booked Vegas. We decided to have the ceremony with just the two of us but to have an Internet wedding so our
friends and family could watch a live feed of the ceremony back home in their pyjamas with a bottle of wine. They could even sign the wedding book online. It seemed like a great solution.

In January 2004 we were all ready to go. My mum had bought me a wedding dress and I chose something very simple. We were planning to go out straight after the wedding and I would have looked ridiculous walking around Vegas in a big meringue. We stayed in a hotel in Manchester the night before our flight and the following morning we boarded the plane. We were all ready to take off and I was feeling so nervous because I’m not a good flyer. Then suddenly one of the other passengers said there was smoke coming out of the plane. The next thing I knew we were all herded off and told the flight had been cancelled. Brilliant. We were
so
gutted. The airline told us we could either wait for the next direct flight or transfer to one that changed in Washington.

We were desperate to get out there so we decided to go for the first available flight. We told the staff we were heading out to get married and, amazingly, we got upgraded to business class. It was so lavish and they kept bringing us over champagne and nibbles. Every time they gave me a glass of bubbly I’d wait for them to turn their backs and then give it to Craig. By the time we got to Washington to change flights I was stuffed full of food and Craig was absolutely steaming!