Darcy's Voyage: A Tale of Uncharted Love on the Open Seas (17 page)

She leaned forward as the carriage pulled away, allowing her to have one final glimpse of the ship, and when she could see it no longer, she leaned back into the seat of the carriage and let her tears fall and her sobs pour forth from her, whispering a soft, “I shall never see him again.”

***

Inside the ship, finally stirring within his room, Darcy lifted his head groggily from the table. He opened his eyes and strained to focus them as he glanced around the room, struggling to form at least one coherent thought. His head throbbed with pain, and he succumbed to lowering it again onto the table in front of him.

He sat still for a moment, struggling to recall what had happened. Why was he in the state he was in? When he opened his eyes again, they fell upon Elizabeth’s empty bed, and suddenly his heart lurched.

He fought back a wave of nausea as he struggled to stand, balancing his involuntary swaying by placing both hands firmly on the table. Only one thought came to his mind.
I must find Elizabeth before she departs!

The will to put into action what his thoughts impelled him to do, however, was hindered by the state he was in. He glanced at the floor to find the empty decanter that must have rolled off the table sometime in the night and spilled.

Mercy! How much did I drink last night?
With each faltering step he took, he fought a rising tide of dread and nausea combating with each other to bring him down into a state of despair.

He reached the door, opened it, and leaned against the doorframe, bringing his hand up to his head and taking in some deep breaths. He tried to rub out the pain that seared inside his head, but the pain would not relent. He decided he would have to take one step at a time, but he must get out. As he walked toward the stairway, he hugged the wall, using it as a source of support.

Pulling himself up the stairs to the top deck, he used his hands on the railing to the same extent that he pushed himself up with his feet. When he finally came up, he squinted in the brightness of the sun, which was too intense for his eyes and seemed to delve straight to the pain in his head. It was also a very strong indicator that it was much later in the morning than he really wanted it to be. He was fairly certain she would have risen by now and would most likely be close to leaving, if she had not already.

There were many people on the deck, scurrying about, carrying their belongings, saying goodbye to one another, and cheerfully heading in sundry different directions in search of a new life. His eyebrows pinched together as he frantically searched the crowd for Elizabeth. Throngs of people passed him, but he did not even make an attempt to see if he recognized anyone. He made his way to the ship’s railing and collapsed against it, closing his eyes for just a moment as he tried to regain some strength and clear his head.

He saw that carriages were already being loaded up, and noticed one was already departing. He dropped his head down, closed his eyes, and in a plea of desperation appealed to One mightier than himself. “God, please let her still be on the ship. Please let me see her before she departs!”

It hurt to open his eyes and look out among the crowd, but the pain of not seeing her was greater. With each passing moment, he became more and more convinced in the depths of him that she had already departed.

He remained where he was, more from an inner struggle of not knowing what to do than from the condition he was in. He had no idea where she had gone. She had told him that her uncle had arranged for an errand boy to watch for the ship’s arrival, and this boy, in turn, would summon a carriage nearby the harbour to pick her up and take her to her uncle’s designated address. He doubted that he would easily be able to find the single carriage that conveyed her away.

As despair began to take hold of him, the captain came by his side.

“Darcy, you do not look well this morning.”

Darcy slowly lifted his head. “You have the gift of discernment, Wendell.”

“I assume things did not go well with Mrs. Darcy last night.”

Darcy turned to look at him. “She had already left when I returned to the room. I was hoping to come upon her this morning, but it appears I overslept and missed her.”

“I understand she was one of the first off the ship.”

Darcy winced as the words confirmed the finality of the situation. He hung his head at the captain’s pronouncement.

“You are not usually one to sleep in, Darcy.”

Darcy let out a frustrated sigh. “I… uh… had a little too much to drink last night.”

The captain silently nodded. “Come back to my room and get yourself some strong, hot coffee. You will feel much better afterwards.”

“I doubt that, sir.”

The two walked silently to the captain’s room. He poured some strong coffee into a cup and gave it to Darcy.

“Drink this. You may not feel better, but you should be able to think better and decide what you must do.”

Darcy gave in to the captain’s suggestion and began drinking the coffee, as he gave in to his body’s demands and closed his eyes. His head still pounded, but now there was a rising sense of despair as he knew he may have missed his final opportunity to tell Elizabeth how he felt; to tell her that he had come to love her.

The captain silently watched Darcy as he drank the coffee, and offered him some freshly baked bread and fresh fruit that had been brought aboard. Darcy declined.

Wendell knew he should be up bidding his passengers farewell and making sure things were going smoothly. But at the moment he felt Darcy required some attention. He had never seen the man in this state, and now regretted having agreed to perform the wedding ceremony under the conditions Darcy set forth.

Out of the blue, Darcy said, “I do not even know how I am going to find her again.”

“Darcy, you do not have to try to find her while she is here. Wait until you return to England.”

Darcy looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. “We talked very little about our personal lives. I have no idea even where she lives, other than some small village in Hertfordshire.”

The captain looked across the desk at his longtime acquaintance and felt moved by his sense of loss. Here was a man of great wealth, superior position in society, excellent connections, and one who most likely never had to think twice about getting what he wanted. It was amazing to consider how the one thing Darcy discovered he wanted had been completely in his grasp, only to slip away.

The captain opened a drawer and pulled out a booklet. “Let us look in here, shall we?”

Darcy looked up. “What is that?”

“The ship’s manifest.” He opened the large book and thumbed through a couple of pages. “We do keep a record of every passenger who boards this ship to America.”

Suddenly Darcy’s eyes widened, his heartbeat quickened in hope, and he leaned over, trying to decipher the writings that were entered. Being unable to read upside down, in addition to his inability to focus clearly, Darcy walked around to the other side of the desk and began looking for the name, Elizabeth Bennet.

They scanned down the names on the first page but hers was not there. Darcy felt a sense of anxiety course through him as he looked upon the names. In no way could he call the manner in which they were written “handwriting.” It was more like they were scribbled, and he wondered if they would recognize her name at all. He only hoped the captain would be able to decipher the entries better than he could in the state he was in.

After going through the first two pages, they were halfway down the third when the captain found her name. “Here it is! Elizabeth Bennet!” He took his finger and followed the line across the page. “Hertfordshire.”

“Yes, I know that.”

He followed it farther. “Hmmm.” The captain and Darcy both had the identical thought. “This may be difficult to make out.”

The first letter was definitely an “
L
” but what followed could only be described as a tumble of unreadable marks. The captain sighed. “Well, Darcy, it begins with an ‘
L
’, and it looks as though there is a ‘
g
’ or a ‘
p
’ or maybe a ‘
y
’ here.”

Darcy rolled his eyes, eager to blame anyone for anything this morning. “Who wrote this anyway?”

“One of our clerks in the office.” The captain stood up. “I’ll leave you to sober up a little and try to decipher this while I go back to my duties. Drink as much coffee as you need, and please help yourself to something to eat. It is the best food we have had in weeks!”

As the door shut behind the captain, Darcy began to feel a sense of despair coming over him again.
Will I ever find her? Will I ever see Elizabeth again?

After making a vain attempt to make sense of the writing, Darcy returned to his room. He began to feel the sobering effects of the coffee, but knew he had to attend to the emotionally arduous task of packing his things. He lifted the sampler Elizabeth had inadvertently left behind, taking prodigious care of it. He held it between his fingers, looking at it more carefully this time, and noticed how she had worked her initials, “
EB
,” into the tendrils of a vine. He let out a soft “humph” as he contemplated that she had, unfortunately, used the letter “
B
” of her unmarried name.

As he emptied the drawers of clothes and placed them in his duffel, he unexpectedly came across their marriage certificate. As he looked upon it, he drew in a quick breath, having almost forgotten that he had secured it in one of the drawers.

His eyes narrowed at the sight of Elizabeth’s signature, and he found himself drawing a finger over her name. Elizabeth Julianne Bennet. Hertfordshire.

He looked back up at the top, seeing his name and hers, united together in matrimony. He dropped the hand that was holding the certificate to his side. How long ago that seemed. So much had happened; none of which was what he had intended. Or had he?

He thought back to that day he asked for her hand in a marriage that, he told her, would be annulled once he returned to England. No one need ever know. But just moments before that impulsive proposal, he had discovered she was the same young lady who had captured his heart in a short carriage ride two years earlier. He wondered whether in truth he wanted to fall in love with her, wanted her to fall in love with him, and for her to be his cherished wife always. Could it be that deep down he felt this was the only way to secure her as his wife? That it was the only way to do it and not address their difference in station?

Darcy shook his head.
Then why did I struggle so with my feelings? Why did I wait so long to decide I could not live without her? Why did I have to wait so long that now I have lost her?

Filled with remorse, Darcy attempted to finish the task of packing his things. His head was clearer now, but his heart was still reeling.
Why did I not ask her where she would be staying while here? Or where specifically she lived in England? Is there any chance I will see her again?

These questions and more plagued him as he readied himself to leave. At length he picked up his duffel, took one last glance about the room, and departed.

Upon leaving, he took notice of the captain, and walked over to him to pay his respects. “Thank you for all you did, Captain. I know I was not the ideal passenger.”

“Will you be returning with us to England in two weeks?”

“I think not. I think it best not to return on the
Pemberley
, as I would not want any of the crew to inadvertently speak to Georgiana of my marriage—or my
pretence
of a marriage.”

“One word to them, Darcy, and their lips are sealed.”

Darcy shook his head. “No. I think it best that we return on another ship.”

“I shall look into whether any of Stearnes’ other ships are in port that will be leaving in the near future to return to England. You should have no difficulty securing passage on one if it is in port. Most people are sailing to America and not the other way around.”

“Thank you.”

“And Darcy…”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I shall look further into where your wife calls home. If I find out anything more, I will assuredly let you know.”

Darcy extended his hand. “Thank you, and God bless, Captain.”

Wendell nodded as he watched his friend turn sullenly and disembark, wondering whether there would be anything he could do to help him. He would certainly make the effort.

For the duration of the carriage ride, Elizabeth was unmindful of the passing city of New York as it conveyed her to her aunt and uncle’s boardinghouse. It had been their temporary home since arriving and would be the same for her for the next few months. The city swept past her in a blur as she looked out with red and swollen eyes.

As much as she looked forward to seeing them again, the tumult of her emotions made her feel how unequal she would be to receive their affable and gracious attentions if she remained in this state. She knew not where they lived in relation to where she was, but at that moment she deemed it prudent to make every effort to put aside these heartbroken feelings and make herself presentable for her arrival.

She took in an unsteady deep breath, closed her eyes, and resolutely decided she would think no more of the man who offered himself as her husband solely to aid in her comfort and to ease his discomfort. She certainly benefited from his most unusual and unexpected proposal, but she looked back and wondered if her temporary comfort had come at the expense of her longtime comfort. Her body may have been restored to good health, but her heart felt as though it had been ripped in two.

Pulling out a handkerchief, she dabbed at her eyes, steeling herself to shake out of this and rise above it. She finally turned to look out the window at the city that was passing by her.

It was a new, sprawling city, similar to London but without the buildings that had been erected hundreds of years ago. They lived in an area called Manhattan, an island, the Gardiners had said, that extended for several miles out between the Hudson and East Rivers, that both then reached out to the Atlantic Ocean.

She straightened herself up, secured a few loose strands of hair that had escaped, and nodded, affirming that she was going to enjoy her stay here, take in as much as she could, and hopefully put the last four weeks behind her.

Elizabeth’s attention soon turned to the neighbourhood through which they were driving as the carriage began to slow down. It drew up in front of a large, two-story brownstone building that had flowers blooming in flower boxes hung from the windows, a beautiful green lawn, and a small white picket fence bordering the front. A small sign hung from the front porch which read, “New Amsterdam Boardinghouse.” This would be her home for the next few months, and it could not be more delightful.

The carriage driver promptly opened the door for Elizabeth and offered his hand to bring her down. She felt a tinge of nervousness as she looked around her. It was not just being in a new place, but a completely different country!

“Let me take you in and make sure your kinfolk are here, and then I’ll come back for your things.”

“Thank you,” Elizabeth said and smiled. She had heard many things about the Americans, but this young man was most polite and helpful. She thought her first impression, through him, had been most positive.

Walking alongside Elizabeth up the long walk to the front door, he opened it and held it for Elizabeth to pass through. They walked into a large reception room, and a friendly woman, who was busily dusting some large pieces of wood furniture, greeted them.

“Hello,” Elizabeth returned the greeting. “I am Elizabeth Bennet, the niece of Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. Are they by any chance here?”

“Why I believe they are! I know they have been most anxious for your arrival!” She waved for Elizabeth to follow her, and mentioned to the carriage driver, “You may bring her things upstairs to room 4.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Elizabeth followed the woman, and in speaking with her, found out her name was Mrs. VanderHorn and that she and her family had come over from the Netherlands about ten years ago. Elizabeth enjoyed hearing the English spoken by this woman who had a slightly different accent.

When they came to the room, Mrs. VanderHorn knocked at the door. In just a few moments the door opened very slightly and a pair of eyes, about half the height of Elizabeth, peered out.

The door suddenly flew open and she was announced with a wail, “It is Lizzy! Lizzy is here!”

Little four-year-old Caleb threw himself at Elizabeth, and as she knelt down, she drew him into a big hug. How good it felt, and Elizabeth felt the first glimmer of joy flow through her since last night. They were soon joined by the rest of the family, the children jumping up and down, and Edmund and Madlyn Gardiner waiting patiently for their chance to greet their niece.

When the children finally finished with their greeting, her aunt and uncle together drew Elizabeth into an embrace. Mrs. Gardiner patted her lightly on the back, repeating over and over, “It is so good you have come! It is so good to have you here!”

Tears spilt from Elizabeth’s eyes, but this time they were tears of joy.

Her aunt pulled away a little asking, “Was it a difficult crossing, Lizzy?”

“No,” Elizabeth said through her sniffles. “It is just so good to be with family again!”

“Well, come in, dear girl,” her uncle offered. “It has been too long!”

Elizabeth walked in and savoured the modest, yet comfortable room. Sitting down in a large, overstuffed chair, she soon had the two smaller children on her lap, and the two older ones standing at her side, anxious to hear about how things were back home, but competing with each other to tell her about the adventures they had all been having here in America.

The driver returned with her things, and her uncle showed him to the room that she would share with cousins Lauren and Amanda. He thanked the driver, paid him his due, and sent him on his way.

Elizabeth spent the whole day catching up on all they had been doing the past few months. With great detail and excitement her uncle told her of how his business back in London would be able to really expand with his ability to export a good deal of product to America. He had discovered while here that London would not be the most profitable place to export from, but instead he would be shipping mainly from Liverpool. And with that news, he informed them that they would probably be able to leave New York a little sooner than anticipated; travelling to Liverpool instead of London when they returned. He needed to finalize his business arrangements there before returning home.

Madlyn filled her in on all the places of interest they had visited since arriving, and let her know which ones they desired to visit with her. She told her of the wide variety of people, from every country she could imagine, the little shops that sold Dutch, or Greek, or French, or Norwegian foods and products.

The children insisted on telling her about all their new friends, the new games they had learned to play, and some of the words they learned from children who had come from other countries.

Mr. Gardiner had to leave later in the day after a most delectable fare for midday meal. Elizabeth remarked that she had never tasted anything as delicious, while her aunt assured her that it was most likely due to the bland, dried food she had been eating the past few weeks on the ship.

Elizabeth and her aunt enjoyed their time together talking alone as the children went out in the afternoon to play with the VanderHorn children. Madlyn could see that Elizabeth was tired, but began to wonder if there was something else causing her distress. There seemed to be something just beneath the surface that Elizabeth was not inclined to share.

“Tell me, Elizabeth. Was it terribly bad in steerage? I so wished you could have had a regular cabin.”

Elizabeth took in a deep breath, knowing she could never tell her aunt the truth about what happened on the ship. Yet she truly did not want to lie.

“It was difficult at first. Above all else, when I had spent a good deal of time down there, I found myself yearning for fresh air. Fortunately I found early morning walks most desirable after being in the confines of steerage all night.”

“Oh, I know how much you enjoy walking!” her aunt exclaimed happily. “I am so pleased that it was not excessively distressful. But I want to assure you that on our return trip, we shall be in a cabin.”

“I am very glad to hear that.”

Elizabeth smiled, but her aunt noticed that the smile did not reach up to her niece’s eyes as it normally did.

“Come, Elizabeth, you must tell me how everyone was faring when you left home.”

Elizabeth looked at her aunt most appreciatively. She always knew exactly what to say at the exact moment she needed it. At the moment, Elizabeth needed to focus on something other than the voyage and she eagerly told her of all that had been happening back home.

“Mama was, to the last minute, her usual self. She was constantly swayed by the whim of the moment, debating whether it was prudent for me to come or not. I believe she was more concerned that I might run off with some American than anything else.” Elizabeth chuckled. “But even in that, she could not decide whether that would be a bad thing or not. Papa was visibly concerned with my leaving, wishing up to the moment that I boarded the ship that I would change my mind.”

“I knew it would be difficult for them to let you come.” Her aunt reached over and took her hand. “But I am so glad they did. I selfishly wanted you here so much for my own enjoyment.” She looked intently at her niece. “I hope it was not asking too much.”

“Oh no, Aunt Madlyn. I am very happy to be here and I am looking forward to our time together.”

Elizabeth continued to tell her about her family, and how her two youngest sisters were particularly looking forward to the militia coming to Meryton. Word had been circulating that a branch would be stationed there for at least a few months, and the two girls were beside themselves. She had no idea how their presence would affect her sisters, and confided in her aunt that she worried whether they would be able to behave fittingly around the officers.

Elizabeth enjoyed the good conversation with her aunt, but fatigue drew her to bed early that night.

She was grateful to be with her aunt and uncle and her little cousins, to have good, bountiful meals again, and to sleep in a plush, soft bed. She only wished that her heart could fare emotionally as well as she was faring physically. She hoped that in these surroundings she would recover from her heartache without delay.

***

Darcy solemnly departed
Pemberley’s Promise
and secured for himself a carriage. He gave the driver the address of Mrs. Annesley’s son and daughter-in-law, and waited while the driver loaded his duffel and then went in search of the trunk that had been stowed. It was a short wait and soon they were off.

Darcy’s motionless figure stared blankly out the window of the carriage, his hand cupped around his chin and mouth, as if attempting to keep down what was fighting to come up. His condition, the result of his actions the night before, did little to help either his emotional or physical state.

He knew he must pull himself together. He would be seeing Georgiana shortly, and would need to put aside all these feelings of regret and remorse, and concentrate on her well-being and safely returning her to England.

Darcy closed his eyes, the numbness from the effects of alcohol definitely wearing off. He was thinking more clearly now, but that meant he was also suffering again the depths of emotional pain. He looked around him at the city through which they passed; throngs of people going about their daily routine in this land they called home. As he looked out at the sprawling city passing by, he realized that the chance of encountering Elizabeth while he was here was very slim.

The ride from the dock to the Annesleys’ home took close to an hour. The house was situated in a hilly area with modest homes built on narrow streets. As he watched block after block of neat little houses pass by, he suddenly realized they had stopped. His eyes looked up and down the house that bore the number he knew would belong to Mrs. Annesley’s son; the house where Georgiana had lived the past few months. Suddenly he ached even more, desirous to see his sister again and return to some sort of normalcy in his life. Seeing Georgiana would be the first step.

The driver hopped down, opening the door for Darcy, and he proceeded up to the front door while his things were procured. He took in a deep breath, brushed a hand through his hair, and straightened his clothes. Then he knocked.

The last he had seen Mrs. Annesley’s son was at their wedding, which had been several years ago. That was also the first and last time he had ever seen his wife. So when the young Mrs. Annesley opened the door, he did not at first recollect her.

“Excuse me, but I am Fitzwilliam Darcy, looking for Georgiana.”

The woman smiled and opened the door wider for him to enter. “Yes, of course! We have been expecting you, Mr. Darcy! I am Christine Annesley, Martin’s wife. Please come in!”

Darcy walked in and looked around the modest room. He had not known what to expect their living conditions to be, but knew that Martin Annesley was making only a moderate living.

Christine Annesley invited him to sit down and she excused herself to call his sister. Darcy, however, remained standing as she quickly ascended the staircase.

The sound of feet purposefully hitting the floor drew his attention upwards, and he waited anxiously for his first glimpse of Georgiana. She appeared at the top of the stairs, clasping her hands together, and then took the stairs down in a very brisk, yet ladylike manner.

Darcy started toward her and met her a few steps up from the bottom. Being a step above him, Georgiana was easily able to throw her arms around his neck while he brought his arms around her in a firm hug. Normally the affection this brother and sister showed for each other was fervent, but displayed in a rather swift manner. Georgiana was quite surprised, then, when he held on to her for an unusually prolonged amount of time. She attributed it to her considerable absence and the distance that had separated them.

Darcy’s things were brought in and Christine suggested she show him to his room so his things could be taken to it. He offered to stay at an inn if need be, but neither she nor his sister would hear of it. Georgiana had determined that when he arrived, she would move in with Mrs. Annesley and he could have the room she had been staying in.