Dangerous to Know & Love (43 page)

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You’re smart, Daniel. You work it out.”

She fumbled trying to get her key to fit in the lock that for some bizarre reason had shrunk and kept sliding around. He took the key out of her hand, and opened the door for her.

Even though she hadn’t invited him, he walked in behind her and quietly poured her a glass of water.

“Drink this. You’ll feel better.”

She ignored the proffered glass.

“Why are you here? Are you checking up on me?”

His face was immediately angry. “I wanted to see you. I guess the feeling isn’t mutual.”

“If you wanted to see me, maybe you shouldn’t have gone out with another girl.”

“She’s an old friend, that’s all. Don’t be so fucking paranoid.”

“Fuck you!” she screamed, ripping off her t-shirt and skimpy skirt, revealing a set of pretty underwear in deep jade green. “I did all this for
you,
but you were too busy seeing an old
girlfriend
.”

And she burst into tears, furious that liquor and anger had robbed her of coherence.

She threw herself onto the bed, crying out her frustration.

Without speaking, Daniel sat down next to her and stroked her hair. Suddenly, she sat up and pressed herself against his chest and tried to kiss him.

He pulled away from her and held her arms firmly.

“I’m not going to fuck you when you’re drunk, Lis.”

“How noble!” she spat, tearing her arms free.

He scrubbed his hands over his face.

“Do you want me to go?”

“Yes!” She hesitated, “No.”

Some indefinable emotion flitted across his face.

“Come on, baby doll, let’s get you into bed.”

He pulled a t-shirt out of the chest of drawers, raising an ironic eyebrow when he recognized it as one of his own. He helped her into it, and unhooked her bra with one hand, slipping the shoulder straps through the sleeve holes and sliding it off in a smooth, practiced move.

Lisanne wondered fleetingly if he had a lot of experience undressing drunken girls. Probably, her unhappy heart told her.

She lay back on her bed, and found that the room was spinning. Was that supposed to happen?

“My head hurts,” she mumbled, but he couldn’t hear her and then she passed out.

In the darkest hour before dawn, Lisanne woke up.

Her head was pounding and her mouth was as dry as Death Valley. From the foul taste, it was quite possible something had died there, too. She sat up slowly and saw Daniel lying on his side next to her, sound asleep. She stood up carefully, staggering slightly and headed for the bathrooms. Then she saw his phone blinking in the dark, and Kirsty’s words came back to her.

Before she thought through what she was doing, she swept it up and hurried out of the door. The bathroom was just down the hall and empty at that time of night – day – whatever it was. Stumbling and feeling sick, Lisanne slumped down into one of the cubicles and held Daniel’s phone in her trembling hands.

The new text was the first one she saw. It was from someone called ‘Cori’. And when she scrolled through, she saw several more messages from her. The rest were from Zef and Vin, a couple from Harry – which annoyed her as neither of them had seen fit to mention that they’d stayed in touch – and the rest were from her.

Zef’s messages were surprisingly prosaic: all about bills that needed paying to avoid utilities being cut off. That must be worrying him but was something else that he’d never mentioned. Vin’s were about arranging dates to meet up, most of which Daniel seemed to have cancelled.

So she opened Cori’s messages, and her world shattered.

* C: You should tell her *

* C: When are you going to tell her? *

* C: This is a mistake. We both know it. Miss you *

He’d only sent one reply to the three messages, but it was enough.

* D: she doesn’t need to know.

I want this. You know why *

Her hands shook as her finger hovered over the latest message – the one that had arrived while they’d slept. If she opened it, it would be obvious she’d been snooping. She just wasn’t sure she cared anymore.

* C: You sure know how to show a girl a good time!! : ) xx *

Lisanne turned and threw up into the toilet bowl. She felt sick and shivery. How long? That was the thought that shuddered through her brain. How long had Daniel been cheating on her?

She looked at the messages again. He’d sent a text to ‘Cori’ the day they’d got back from her parents – before she’d even finished unpacking, before she’d had a chance to show Kirsty the locket he’d given her.

* D: I need to see you tonight, 7. Usual place. *

By the time she’d stopped throwing up and felt brave enough to go back to her room, she was chilled to the bone and her head throbbed unforgivingly. But it was her chest that hurt the most. Her heart ached with his loss, even though he was still sleeping in her bed.

He was curled up on his side just as she’d left him, his right arm stretched out as if he were reaching for her. His golden skin seemed silvery in the morning light and his tattoos had dissolved into shades of gray. His long lashes fanned his cheeks and his lips were parted in a small pout as his chest lifted in deep, even breaths. In sleep he looked so innocent, and it was hard for Lisanne to believe the evidence of the text messages she’d read. She’d so badly wanted to believe in him. Her heart tore a little more as she stared at him sleeping peacefully, caught out in a lie.

His eyelids fluttered and opened, and she saw the exact moment consciousness returned.

“Hey, baby doll,” he said, sounding groggy. “Are you okay? Bet you’ve got a killer headache,” and he smiled at her crookedly.

“I want you to go,” she said.

He frowned and rubbed his eyes. “Say that again, baby?”

She stepped nearer to him and tossed his phone onto the bed.

“I want you to go.”

She enunciated each word clearly and carefully.

Confused, he stared first at the phone, then at her.

“What?”

“Go!” she hissed at him. “Go! Get out!”

Shock passed over his face and his eyes flickered back to his phone.

“Baby doll…”

“Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that! Get out, Daniel! Just go!”

“Lis, please, baby. It’s not what you think.”

She turned her back on him, then changed her mind. She walked over to the bed in two long strides and slapped his face hard.

He must have seen the blow coming but he didn’t even try to stop her.

He stared at her for a moment as his cheek was stained red, then swung out of the bed and pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He didn’t even wait to fasten the buckles on his boots before he slammed the door behind him.

Lisanne collapsed onto the bed, tears choking her. Outside her window, she heard Sirona roar into life.

Several hours later, Kirsty found her, still curled up under her duvet, her eyes red, and all cried out.

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” she said.

Kirsty’s kindness brought on a fresh bout of tears.

*     *     *

The last week of the semester was horrible. Despite the Christmas decorations, the cards, gifts and last minute holiday shopping, Lisanne felt empty. Everywhere on campus reminded her of him: the lecture halls, the quad, the library, the cafeteria – even the fitness center because he’d talked so often about working-out there. The only saving grace was that nobody had seen Daniel. He seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth. Lisanne tried very hard not to care, but she was lying to herself.

Kirsty encouraged her to come out and enjoy the seasonal festivities, but Lisanne didn’t have it in her. Even her final gig of the year with
32
^o
North
seemed featureless, and she knew her singing was below par. Roy said he hadn’t seen Daniel but Lisanne suspected he was lying, and JP hadn’t been able to meet her eyes. Only Mike acknowledged that he’d seen him, and reading between the lines, Lisanne suspected that Daniel had been drunk, or stoned, or both.

On Friday morning, the last day before the Christmas break, they received their grade for the business studies assignment. Professor Walden had awarded Lisanne and Daniel’s paper ‘A’, with the word ‘excellent!’ scrawled across the top. Lisanne stared at the paper but Daniel wasn’t there, and it seemed meaningless.

After the final class of the day and the year, Lisanne went to her room to pack. The last time she’d had to do that, she’d been heading for home, excited because Daniel was making the journey with her. Now, a few short weeks later, well, she didn’t feel like celebrating.

Kirsty walked in looking flushed and happy. She was spending Christmas with her parents and then flying out to Aspen to spend New Years skiing with Vin and his family.

“Hey, roomie,” she said. “How are you?”

Lisanne shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

Kirsty looked at her sympathetically. “It’ll get better – I promise. Oh, hey, you got mail.”

Lisanne glanced without interest at the envelope Kirsty had dropped onto her bed. Then her eyes took in the scrawled handwriting and her stomach lurched. She’d seen it enough times as she’d studied in the library.

“What’s the matter?” said Kirsty, her blue eyes concerned.

“It’s from Daniel.”

She held the letter as if it might explode, or hiss at her, or burn her fingers – maybe hurt her heart even more than he already had.

“Do you want me to open it?”

Lisanne shook her head. She sat on her bed, leaning against the headboard, and tore the envelope, pulling out a single sheet of lined paper. She wasn’t sure what to expect: an apology, an attempt to rationalize his cheating, perhaps?  But she was wrong, in every possible way.

Hey, Baby Doll,

I know you’re going to be mad at me, so I won’t even go there, but I can’t do this anymore.

Everything has changed since I met you. I thought I knew who I was, what I was, but being with you, I’ve learned about the kind of man I want to be.

The last three weeks have been so hard and I’ve hated lying to you, but I thought you might try to stop me if you knew what I was doing. I know you read Cori’s texts and if it helps any, she tried to talk me out of it. But I guess I can be pretty stubborn, too.

You didn’t give me a chance to explain that night, and I’m not sure I could have done it right, which is why I’m writing you now.

I went to see Dr. Pappas when I got back from your folks, and I decided I’m going to get the implant. He can’t tell me if it’ll work, but the docs are going to try. I don’t have anything to lose but if I can hear you sing, if I can hear your voice, that’ll be enough.

This isn’t on you, please don’t think that. I’ve tried to live without my music and I can’t do it. It slays me to see you up there, singing your heart out, and not to hear it. Pappas says there’s a good chance, so what the hell? I’ll be almost bionic the next time you see me. Ha ha. Yeah, I’ll have a chunk of metal in my head, but I’ll still be me – and I hope you’ll still want me.

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I hated not telling you, but you can talk me into anything and I knew you’d try to stop me. I need to do this, baby.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Daniel x

Wordlessly, she passed the letter to Kirsty who read it quickly, her eyes widening with each line.

“Lis, I don’t understand. What’s he done? What’s this implant he’s talking about?”

Lisanne took a deep breath.

“It’s called a cochlear implant. It’s… um… I’m not sure. Sort of a hearing aid that’s put inside the ear. It’s quite a big operation and…”

But the tears had started and her words got stuck as she tried to force them past her tongue.

Kirsty sat on the bed next to her and hugged her tightly, taking care not to crease the precious letter.

When Lisanne’s sobs had eased, Kirsty gently pushed her away.

“I still don’t understand, honey,” she said, dabbing at Lisanne’s eyes with a tissue. “Is Daniel ill?”

Lisanne shook her head. “He’s deaf.”

Kirsty’s face was blank. “Who’s deaf?”

“Daniel! He’s deaf. That’s why I got so mad with you when you kept saying he was being rude. He can’t hear you – he can’t hear anything. He lip reads. He’s been deaf for nearly two years now.”

Kirsty was clearly flabbergasted.

“I can’t believe it! I mean… I had no clue! How could I not know? How could anyone not know? He hid it so well.”

“
I knew
,” said Lisanne softy. “It was during our first study session in the library – the fire alarm went off – he didn’t react. Just… nothing. And then he told me the whole story.”

“Wow! I mean, wow! That’s just… so this operation? He’ll be able to hear again?”

“Maybe. No one can tell until afterward. I have to find him,” Lisanne choked out. “I have to stop him. He mustn’t do this.”

“Why not?” said Kirsty, trying – and failing – to understand. “It’s a good thing, isn’t it, if it might work?”

“I don’t know,” moaned Lisanne. “He always said he didn’t want a piece of metal in his head – that he didn’t need to be
fixed
. This is all my fault! Will you drive me to his house, Kirsty? I need to talk to him.”

“Of course I will.”

“Thank you,” Lisanne gasped.

But once they were mobile, it wasn’t as easy finding Daniel’s house as she’d thought.

For one thing, it had been months since she’d been there, and for another, he lived on the other side of town. It didn’t help that they took a wrong turn, finding themselves navigating through rows of identically dull, suburban streets.

Eventually, using Kirsty’s GPS and Lisanne’s memory, they found the right address. But the house was dark and quiet.

There was no point knocking, but Lisanne tried the door. Locked.

“He could be in there,” said Lisanne, anxiously scanning the unlit windows. “He could be in his room. Let’s see if the back door is open.”

They made their way around to the backyard, Kirsty staring with distaste at the rubbish heaped against the fence.