Dancing with Life (17 page)

With an ailment like MS, the fear of what may happen next is the major cause of worry and stress, and therefore, deterioration in health too. Come to terms with what has happened and let life flow through you.

6. Combat self-pity

We can see that all the people who have recovered from MS (or any other dreaded disease) have combated self-pity.

Anil Bhatnagar, a motivational speaker and author from Delhi, says, ‘Self-pity has its roots in our hunger for attention as children. Many children want more attention than others. They soon learn that the easiest way to get it is to complain and show their hurt to their parents. Soon enough, evoking guilt in others by behaving like their victim becomes their usual way of getting what they want for themselves.’

He goes on to say that while such a tendency may be all right occasionally, one must learn to shift the focus and learn to be grateful for all the things others have done for you and what you have done for yourself.

Friends, we often say nothing is impossible, hence, why should we say a disease is incurable? Nothing is incurable and even getting better after being affected by an illness really depends on your own attitude towards it. There are so many people with more severe problems than ours and yet, do manage to lead a wholesome life. As it is said, ‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.’ Similarly, in the case of MS, it is not how physically fit you are, but how you make every moment count.

This can happen only when we either do not compare ourselves with anyone or compare with people who are facing more challenges than us. It is only by combating self-pity that one becomes stronger from within.

Naturally, we can remain strong only if we remain grateful for the many blessings we have and not by wallowing in self-pity. We can remain strong only if we live in the present and never let ourselves dwell in the past or worry about the future. We need to stop thinking of ourselves as victims of life, but rather think of ourselves as creators of our own life.

7. The role of family and friends

When a person is affected by MS, it is not he/she who suffers alone. Like many others who suffer from chronic conditions and diseases it becomes a struggle for the entire family. What compounds it for the family members of MS patients is that no cure has been found yet and there are no set lists of dos and don’ts for MS patients.

There are many family members of those suffering from MS who have been impacted by this ailment and handled it in their own ways. We need to understand we will only make ourselves stronger and wiser by handling it wisely.

US First Lady Michelle Obama’s father was a pump operator who was diagnosed with MS when she was young. Despite his struggles, she is proud of the fact that he strived to be a loving and supportive father and helped educate her and her brother; never compromising on giving them a better future. In that sense, he has surely been a role model both for Michelle and for me.

Famous author J.K. Rowling’s mother, Anne Rowling, suffered from MS and died in 1990 at the age of forty-five, before Rowling had achieved staggering literary fame as the author of the
Harry Potter
series. I truly admire the fact that Rowling has donated a lot of funds to MS research, hoping that a cure is found soon.

In my case, I have seen how this ailment has strengthened my family. In 2013, my daughter was with me during a long walk. At the end, a lady asked me if something was wrong, for my legs were aching and it showed. I got really irritated but just kept quiet. As we were walking home, my daughter counselled me by saying that I really should not take things so seriously.

‘Remember when people would ask me about why I had not bought new shoes or dresses for an event, you used to tell me that the only person we need to please is our own self. The same is true for you, Amma. You are trying your best to walk a bit more than you can. Even when Appa (my husband) tends to strain himself, it shows. However, he says he knows he has to stretch himself to the maximum extent always. He does not take the comments of others seriously at all. You too should not take these comments seriously. All you need to do is to please yourself,’ said Samyukta.

Wow! This was serious food for thought for me. My daughter had become wise way beyond her years.

8. Deal with envy

Very often, we are able to advise others but don’t really know how to deal with our own issues effectively. Advice is actually the easiest thing to give, however, practice is extremely difficult.

Partly this comes from envy – envy that we are not able to do all that others are able to do; envy that people who are older than us are physically more capable than us; envy that people who have habits that one considers unhealthy, are healthier than us. Now, envy, like its cousin self-pity, cannot get us anywhere. We have to overcome this soon to deal with the cards that life has dealt us.

9. Make the most of every moment

When we have a disease, we should try and make the most of all the ‘good’ moments we have. This includes quiet moments spent with ourselves and those with the family.

In my case, my husband not only loved me bud made sure after my diagnosis that he also demonstrated it too. In fact, overcoming MS has been as much a challenge to him as it has been to me.

One of the major reasons why we fail to find happiness is because we have not yet mastered the art of being ourselves. As we have seen with all the examples I have given so far, people with challenges have been able to thrive only because they fully accepted themselves as they were, and started to change themselves by taking one step at a time, in a comfortable manner.

10. Choose between safety and risk

We may get worried sometimes that something untoward may happen to us because of our ailment, but the fact is that all of us are going to die sooner or later.

In my case, I had heard a lot about the Delhi Metro becoming a great way of travelling nowadays. I had travelled in it once long back and was pretty keen on taking another ride. Hence, one day, I got up in the morning, took the metro, met a gentleman I wished to meet and returned before lunch. Though this may seem a routine event for many people, for me, it was as risky as boarding local trains in Mumbai.

Risk is actually always a part of life. Don’t the people driving a car take the risk of accident all the time? Don’t people eating outside risk food poisoning? If we obsess over risks, we shall never be able to lead a complete, normal life, whatever the issues we may need to handle. We may lead a safe life, but certainly it would not be an enjoyable one.

11. Make the choice to grow

There are always choices available in life. One is that of growth and another of despair. When we are stuck with a disease if we choose to go on the path of despair, we will always remain there or perhaps, even become worse. After all, it has even been proven that one’s attitude can make us feel better or worse. If we choose to make the choice of growth, every little step taken will make us feel better. When we feel better, we will view any limitation as just a minor one.

I still need to keep updating my skills and that is something which has also resulted in growth in all areas, both personal and professional. Now, I am really happy as designing software and being responsible, for projects are activities that keep me busy and adds to my happiness quotient.

12. Carve a path for yourself

Each of us has to create one’s own path. Don’t all women struggle with the choice of motherhood or career? Don’t many people struggle with the choice of a career of convenience or that of their passion? Don’t most people wonder when to take the next step, even in love? You need to have faith in yourself to be able to make the choices that suit you best and are the most helpful.

In my case, my faith in my own self has become stronger and more robust. I have more courage than ever to do what I wish to and explore avenues for the same. This has actually made me even more creative and productive in life.

13. Have an open mind

Everyone talks about how important having an open mind is. What we don’t realize is how not having an open mind can affect our potential. Without an open mind we will not know that our problem may have various solutions, and therefore, may not make proper decisions. With an open mind, we can surely explore all the options that life has to offer.

In my case, initially when I was diagnosed with MS, I did not have an open mind for a while to explore anything to do with diet just because I had some negative experiences with excessive diet restrictions. Now, there are some simple add-ons to my diet that I have included. As a wise saying points out: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been.’

Similarly, when I was asked to write this book, I actually felt I couldn’t really write about a disease that I still have. I thought I should write only when the MRI test shows a clear eradication of all the lesions in my brain. On second thought, I realized that writing in my current state would give people a ray of hope and make them realize all the possible options. I also realized that whether I continue to have MS or not, I have learnt to manage it well and can guide others in doing so as well.

14. Have many perspectives

The more perspectives you seek out, the more you push the boundaries of your mind. If we only focus on one thing, you are more likely be stuck in a box.

For instance, for a while, I kept thinking about MS and only the reported research in the area of MS alone. I have now realized that even other diseases and illnesses can be as stressful and hard to live with. With this understanding, my own wellness also has catapulted as I have found an additional mission in life, that of understanding others and their issues completely, and seeking to be a true friend.

15. Harmonize relationships

This is something one needs to always understand completely. At office or at home, our relationships are what define us. No matter how hard we try, they always challenge us. This is what makes us actually grow and become better individuals. The only thing that comes in the way of us moving forward and doing so is our ‘ego’. Ninety per cent of our lives are often spent in trying to figure out who was right or wrong. The fact is, in any issue, usually there is never a hundred per cent right or wrong answer. All we can do is not add negative factors and forgive. When our perceptions change, relationships change and the world itself becomes a better place to be in.

One’s family, friends, and doctors are extremely important. We must understand and support their efforts to make us better.

It will also be great to get in touch with all our friends including childhood friends, relatives, and people in our neighborhood and/or workplace.

16. Help other people succeed

In life, the best way to reach our full potential is to help other people as much as possible. If we find ourselves falling short of our best, it’s because we are not giving enough of ourselves. The more we give of ourselves to others, the more value we create. The more value we create, the more other people will want to give value back to us. This is the way life’s circle gets completed.

17. Never give up

‘Luck is when preparation meets opportunity,’ goes a quote by the Roman philosopher Seneca.

Whether we succeed or not, we should learn to enjoy the preparation for a goal itself. We’ll inevitably make mistakes and achieve less than perfect results. However, if we develop a keen ability to ignore fear of the unknown, we would have done our best. Doing one’s best is indeed the greatest challenge of all. Isn’t it said that God or the Almighty sculpts us through our challenges?

In fact, if every circumstance were to be of our liking, internal growth and transformation would never take place. No one who has never faced a challenge is capable of handling life itself. In fact, it is challenges alone that can sculpt us into reaching our highest potential.

18. Have dreams and goals

Dreaming and having goals make life complete. The dream can be as simple as cooking a gourmet meal or listening to a music maestro, but dreams are necessary for all of us.

We should also do as much as we can in all areas. This could be reading books, watching movies, watching sunrise and nature, or even just talking to one’s loved ones. Let us volunteer our services if we cannot work. Let us be a counsellor to others. Let us just keep ourselves active.

19. Volunteer your services

All of us are capable of adding value to the family, our organization and indeed the world. Volunteering for those less privileged than us helps in keeping our mind away from our own disease. However, don’t overstretch yourself. Do only as much as you can.

20. Valuing the experience gained

Life is all about one’s experiences. You never know which experience is going to help you feel better and stronger. My job as a health reporter has also helped me counsel a lot of people and bring them out of despair.

21. Getting one’s priorities right

When we clearly define our priorities, we become better managers of our time and hence, of our lives.

For most of us, our priorities are to be independent and always try and be of some use to others. We should strive to live a life that contains both these points; in short, a balanced life.

22. Having fun

We should never underestimate the importance of having fun. This can work only if we take part wholeheartedly in it. One is never too old or too busy to have fun.

In my case, I resolved to go out more, especially with my children as I love taking them out and seeing the joy on their faces when they are having fun.

23. Give yourself a pep talk

Two people say the same thing, but they say it in different ways. ‘I don’t know’ is different from ‘I don’t have much information but I shall find out’. In the case of handling an ailment like MS, suppose if we need to address an audience, saying ‘I can’t do it’ is different from saying ‘I might need to sit instead of standing while addressing the audience’. Moreover, don’t hesitate in asking for help when you really need it. It will make life easier for you, and always keep your heart alive by exploring newer things to do.