Dancing Through It: My Journey in the Ballet (30 page)

I did the interview with the producer from
Oprah
by phone. From the start I resolved to just be myself and be honest about my past. I figured that if this was something God wanted to happen, then it would happen and be used for a good purpose. Sure, I wanted to meet Oprah—how cool would that be? But it was not a desperate need, and I could live with or without it.

A few days after my phone interview, I was asked to appear on the show. But first, a producer would come to New York for a couple of days with a camera crew to spend a day following me around and interviewing me. They would get unprecedented access to the backstage area of our theater during classes and performances. The company understood that this was a wonderful opportunity for City Ballet to reach a bigger American audience than they’d ever had.

My parents were visiting at the time, and we had our little apartment set up for guests. When we learned that the camera crew would be spending time with us at home, my poor parents ended up in a hotel so that I could make my apartment look decent.

The producer was a very nice young man named Jason who also happened to have a young daughter at home named Grace. He and the camera crew were very easygoing and patient. They were also troopers—just as they arrived, a snowstorm hit, and none of them had any decent snow gear. Jason spent the whole time in New York tramping around the slushy sidewalks in sneakers that were constantly soaked through.

The team arrived at my house early in the morning to film my family’s wake-up routine. James and I tried to be as normal as possible with a camera crew squeezed into our small apartment, and Grace was oblivious to everything but the delightfully fuzzy microphone. Then they followed me to work. I had to do silly things like leave my apartment twice so that they could get the view of my leaving from both inside the apartment and outside in the hallway. They watched company class and a stage rehearsal of
I’m Old Fashioned
by Jerome Robbins, which I would be performing that night. Then they filmed me leaving the theater and returning home to take over the care of Grace from our wonderful babysitter, Michelle Hoag.

The crew filmed me returning to the theater, in the snow, and then filmed all of my preparations for the performance. Then they shot the ballet from backstage. It was a strange experience for me and everyone in the theater to have the camera crew around. The crew was very respectful of the dancers, and the dancers were accommodating about the unusual event, even as some of them took the opportunity to good-naturedly tease me when the cameras weren’t looking. I also had to remind myself, right before going onstage, that my focus needed to be on the performance and the two thousand people in the audience that night, not on the cameras backstage.

The next morning the crew came back to do our interview. My family and I prayed beforehand that I would be given the right words to say when it came to the difficult questions. I really wanted my situation to be used to help women who might be feeling shame or self-hatred because of their weight or food issues, and I didn’t want to waste this opportunity to be honest about myself if it would in turn help start the healing process in others. I felt very calm during the interview and had no difficulties with the questions. It felt a little strange to be exposing such personal details of my struggles, but it also felt right. Afterward, I felt a sense of peace and knew that God was working.

I was scheduled to fly to Chicago about a week later for the taping of
Oprah
. My transportation was arranged, and I was released from rehearsals with the company. Rob would be accompanying me, for which I was grateful.

A few days before I was scheduled to go, a big blizzard was predicted for the Chicago area. We got a call from Jason that they wanted us to come out a day early to beat the storm. James and I scrambled to prepare for my absence from home. Grace had just turned three and was still in the high-energy stage of toddlerhood. My mom would extend her visit to help James take care of Grace, which was a huge relief. I packed a bag with clothes for the show as well as workout clothes and dance clothes, since City Ballet was in the middle of its winter season. I couldn’t just take days off in the middle of the week without rehearsing, if only on my own. When I returned to New York, I was scheduled to dance the role of Spring in Jerome Robbins’s
Four Seasons
, which was a very demanding part. I needed to stay in shape.

The night Rob and I got to Chicago, the blizzard hit, and it was a doozy. My hotel room was on a high floor and I could feel the building swaying in the wind. I woke up the next morning to a white world broken up by sideways snow. Oprah was forced to cancel her day’s tapings because of the storm, and everything had to be pushed back. Jason called and said that it was a scheduling nightmare and they had to rearrange everything. Could I stay two more days?

Of course I said yes. And so I spent four days in Chicago with nothing to do. It was a strange little mini-vacation for me. In New York, I’d been spending my days running around between Grace’s school, ballet classes,
Nutcracker
gigs, rehearsals, and City Ballet performances. I rarely sat down to rest. Now suddenly, I was in a nice hotel room with no family dinners to make, no toddler snacks to pack, no rehearsals to run to, no three-year-old to bathe and put to sleep. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I tried to sleep late the first morning but made it only to about eight fifteen. I woke up and had coffee and read the paper, a novelty in itself. I watched the progress of the blizzard, both outside my window and on the local news. I went to the hotel gym to ride the bike and walk on the
treadmill. I watched
Oprah
. I even did a ballet barre in the hotel room, thinking people would certainly think I was crazy if they could see.

It occurred to me that the Joffrey Ballet was located in Chicago, and that if anybody would continue business as usual in a blizzard, a ballet company certainly would. I got in touch with them and received permission to take company class with them while I was in town. I tramped ten blocks through the snow my second and third days in Chicago and really enjoyed taking class with the company. The Joffrey dancers were beautiful, and the teachers taught their classes in a more classical style than City Ballet, with longer and more complicated combinations. On the way back to the hotel, I shopped the Magnificent Mile for some earrings to wear for
Oprah
.

I also watched
Black Swan
, which Jason strongly urged me to do. He said that Oprah was bound to ask me about it, and he had been a little frustrated that I hadn’t seen it yet. I’ve always been that way: reluctant to spend my time watching or reading about ballet when so much of my day is already focused in that direction. But here in Chicago, I really had nothing else to do, so I ordered in room service and rented the movie on my hotel television. So many people had told me that the movie was scary that I decided to rent it in the afternoon, since scary movies tend to give me bad dreams. I didn’t want to have to try to sleep after the film, in case it was too disturbing.

The movie had the opposite effect on me, however. I admit that I found it pretty humorous at times, but that isn’t a reflection on the movie itself, which I thought was very well done. Indeed, I thought the first half of the film was a pretty accurate depiction of how the ballet world can be, and I admired Natalie Portman’s portrayal of the ballerina. She actually learned how to carry her upper body like a ballet dancer, something that takes a great deal of training. But when the movie turned into a thriller, I couldn’t help but get the giggles. Probably anyone seeing their workplace dramatized in such a way would have a similar reaction. Seeing what I do every day for a living turned into a scary movie with evil, tutu-wearing murderesses was just too much.

Finally the day of the taping arrived. The producers had added an extra taping that day to make up for the missed ones, so this would be Oprah’s third show of the day. Rob and I would do the show and then head immediately to the airport for our ride home. We met early before the car arrived to take us to Oprah’s studios, and Rob ran me through scenarios for the show so that I would feel prepared. Jason also promised to give me an idea of the line of questioning Oprah might take.

When we got to the studios, we were greeted by the very friendly staff and shown to a little waiting room of our own. Someone came to do my hair and makeup. I’d been asked to bring a pair of pointe shoes so that I could put them on if Oprah wanted me to. I’d also brought a pair of pointe shoes for Oprah in her size so that she could put them on if she wanted. Someone came to lead me to the stage so that I could try out my pointe shoes on the surface there to make sure it wasn’t too slippery.

I walked through the backstage area in my socks, since the other shoes I had with me were either snow boots or high heels. The audience and stage area was actually much smaller than I’d expected, and the whole set had a rather intimate feeling. I tried the shoes on and did a little dance. The surface would be no problem. I suddenly started to have visions of myself dancing around and then tripping and falling on Oprah.

I turned to Jason. “Do I have to walk out onto the set in front of the cameras?”

“No, you’ll already be sitting after the commercial break,” he replied. “Why?”

“I was afraid that as I walked out I’d slip and have a really awkward moment.”

Jason thought it was funny that a ballerina, of all people, would be afraid of tripping as she walked. But what he didn’t realize was that we ballerinas can be very clumsy “on land” when trying to do such simple things as walking—especially this ballerina.

We went back to our waiting room, and Jason came in to go over the questions with us.

“Now, these are what we think Oprah will ask, but we can’t guarantee it. Sometimes her brain will go in a different direction or something in particular will capture her interest and she will follow it. But this is my best idea of how it is going to go.”

None of the questions were very surprising, which was a relief. Suddenly music sounded from the television monitor in the room, and we saw that this taping had started. Oprah came onto the set to talk to the audience, and a few moments later the cameras were rolling.

Watching the first segments of the show, I couldn’t quite believe where I was and what I was about to do. I didn’t have a chance to meet the other guests on the show that day; they must have all been in their own waiting rooms. I felt a little nervous and strange, especially after having been isolated in a hotel for almost four days. But mainly I felt excited about the experience. I was going to meet Oprah and be on her show! I was determined to just relish the adventure and be myself. I had no need to put on any persona but my own and no need to feel nervous. I prayed that God would use me to His purposes and hoped that good would come out of all this. I also planned to have fun while it was happening and didn’t want to waste my time being nervous.

When it was time, Rob left me to go and get a seat in the audience. I was led to wait off set and stood joking with Jason and some of the other producers while we waited. Before I went on, an initial video segment of my life in New York was shown, and I chided Jason for including the shot of my not-so-picturesque ballerina feet. But I was impressed with what a great job they did with the backstage filming and told him so.

Very soon I was told to go up to the stage. Oprah was sitting in her chair, and I was led to sit beside her. She shook my hand and was very welcoming and nice, seeming genuinely happy to see me. She thanked me for staying longer because of the storm. Then it was time to start the interview.

The conversation felt very natural; Oprah was very focused and pleasant, even though it was her third show of the day and she must have
been tired. If it hadn’t been for the people in the audience, I would have thought I was sitting in her living room having a nice talk. We spoke about
Black Swan
, body image, and age, and I put on my pointe shoes and danced around a bit. I’m not sure I was very dignified once my pointe shoes were on, but it felt weird to be in my street clothes and pointe shoes dancing around a television set. I gave Oprah her shoes, and she had me sign them. I enjoyed every minute of it.

After the show she stood up to say good-bye to the audience and I stood beside her, surprised by how tall she was. She took a few steps offstage, and I thought I should let her go alone so that she could make a grand exit; I figured I would slink off to the side afterward. But she grabbed my hand and said, “You’re coming with me.”

So we walked off together, hand in hand. She looked majestic and in control as she greeted some audience members. I did a weird, shuffling duck-walk in my pointe shoes with an “Aw, golly” smile plastered across my face. We descended the stairs from the set, and with a wave, Oprah was whisked away to her car, her assistant assuring her that traffic looked good.

And that was the end of that. I was given a gift bag with an Oprah sweatshirt and water bottle, and Rob and I were packed up and sent off to the airport. Rob was thrilled, and I was happy. I’d had a good time and now was excited to see the show. I felt like I was already forgetting some of the details because I’d been so swept up in each moment. I returned to New York and resumed life as usual, getting back in time to put my daughter to bed and perform
The Four Seasons
the next night.

After the show aired, I received many more messages on Facebook from people who had been inspired by the story or wanted help with their situations. And every now and then when the show repeats or is shown in a foreign country, I’ll get a new batch. I continue to be amazed by what God has set in motion with the whole Sugar Plumgate situation, and I don’t even know the half of how He might have worked through the events that began in December 2010 with that
Nutcracker
review. But what a faith builder, to know that God could use one of the
darkest periods of my life to bring joy and healing not only to me twelve years later but also to an unknown number of strangers across the world. And I know that my problems, in the grand scheme of things, are very slight and insignificant when compared with things that others have gone through, but eating disorders and depression are very real and debilitating problems that can ruin people’s lives and leave them caught under a dark net of shame and isolation. It is gratifying for me to think that through my experiences and with God’s help I can possibly help others who may suffer with issues similar to mine.