Dancing Naked (9 page)

Feb. 5

I hate myself.

I don’t deserve this family.

Maybe I’ll wake up and find this was all just a bad

dream.

I wish.

Angie had gone to a movie with a friend, so Kia was alone in the house with her parents. She found them both in the family room, her dad reading the paper and her mom leafing through a textbook.

“So, you said you went to see the doctor today, Kia?” her mom asked in a deliberately casual voice, but Kia noticed the twitching foot. “Is everything okay?” She closed her book and regarded Kia with her dark, almond-shaped eyes.

Kia plunked herself into a chair and faced them. She wondered if they could hear the racket her heart was making in her chest. “I was at the doctor’s, but not Dr. Eldridge. I’ve found a new one. Her name is Dr. Miyata.”

“What’s wrong with Dr. Eldridge?” asked her mom.

“Nothing.” It came out defensive, slightly angry, despite her attempt to remain calm.

“Okay,” her father said, nodding, encouraging her to go on, but Kia could see the reddish flush that was creeping up his neck. His bright blue eyes stared back from under thick, graying eyebrows.

Kia drew in a deep breath. This was the moment. She felt her own face burning. “I’m about eleven weeks pregnant.”

Her father’s skin turned completely crimson, and the textbook on her mother’s lap dropped unnoticed to the floor.

“You’re sure?” her father asked quietly.

“Yes. I’ve been tested.” Kia found she couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I didn’t know you were sexually active.” Kia’s mom’s face looked pale in contrast to her dad’s.

Kia rolled her eyes. Sexually active made it sound like she was doing it all the time. “I’m not, Mom. I did it once. That’s it.”

Her parents continued to stare at her.

“I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me about the just once part,” she said, uncomfortable with the silence. “I find it hard to believe too. And I guess it doesn’t matter whether it was once or a hundred times. We used birth control but I got pregnant and now I have to deal with it.”

“Derek?” her dad asked.

“Yeah.” Kia nodded, looking away. “That’s the worst part. I just figured out he’s a complete jerk.”

The icy silence returned.

“I knew a couple weeks ago,” she said, rambling on just to break the absolute quiet in the room. “I didn’t want to hurt you, and Derek insisted, so I went to a clinic to have an abortion. I got as far as the procedure room before I changed my mind.”

“Changed your mind?” her dad asked, as if that wasn’t clear enough.

“Yeah. Changed my mind. Decided I was not going through with it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because.”

“Because?”

“Yeah. It didn’t feel right.”

“It didn’t feel right.”

“That’s what I said.”

“So you’re not going to have an abortion?” he asked.

“No, I’m not.” Kia wondered what it was about the words “not going through with it” that he didn’t understand.

“The pickles ...” her mom said.

Kia’s dad looked at his wife, puzzled. She just shook her head.

“Derek doesn’t know I haven’t had the abortion.” Kia clenched her fists, her nails digging into her palms. “He’s going to be really ticked. But I don’t care. He was a huge mistake and it’s none of his business what I do.”

Her parents continued to stare mutely, so she continued. “I’ve talked to Reverend Petrenko about it. And Justin Reid knows too. He came to the abortion clinic with me.”

“You told all of them but you didn’t tell us?” her mom asked quietly.

Kia cleared her throat. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said. “If I’d had the abortion you’d never have known, and you would have gone on thinking I was the perfect daughter.”

“We know you’re not the perfect daughter, Kia,” her dad said defensively. “Nobody’s perfect, and that includes you.”

“I always felt like I had to be.”

“Oh.” Her parents glanced at each other.

“So if you’re not going to have an abortion,” her dad continued, clearing his throat, “that means you plan to have a baby.” He seemed to have pulled himself together more quickly than her mom.

“Yeah. I am. And I was thinking about that this afternoon. I know it’s going to be embarrassing for you and Mom and really hard on Angie. If you’d like me to go away for awhile ...”

“Go away?” Her father frowned, running his hand across the remaining gray bristles on the top of his head. “Where would you go?”

“I could go stay with ... I don’t know. We must know someone who would take me in until after the baby is born.”

“I’m sure we could think of someone,” he said. “But,” he looked at his wife, “I don’t want you to go away.”

Kia’s mom closed her eyes and shook her head. Kia sensed she was in some kind of shock. “Unless you want to,” she said quietly.

“No. I’m kinda getting used to the idea of being pregnant.”

They sat quietly for another minute. Then her father got up and began to pace in front of the fireplace. He came to a halt and looked down at her.

She knew exactly what he was going to say.

“Are you sure you won’t reconsider?”

Kia shook her head and folded her arms around her stomach. She glanced at her mom, unnerved by her silence. Her hands were clenched in her lap and her head was bent forward. She looked like she was praying.

“It would be the best thing for everyone,” her dad continued.

“Not for the baby.”

“You were our baby, Kia,” he argued. “And we want what’s best for you. If you have an abortion you’ll be able to get on with your life again. We can forget this ever happened.”

Kia shook her head. She looked to her mom for support, but she couldn’t see her face.

“Give it some more thought,” her dad encouraged, his voice sounding hoarse. “I think you’re making a big mistake.”

“It seems so obvious to you, doesn’t it, Dad?” Kia’s own voice was trembling. “Just get rid of it. Out of sight, out of mind.” Kia folded her arms across her chest. “I thought that was the answer too, but I was wrong.” She glanced at her mom again, puzzled by her silence. She saw her dad look at his wife too, then sink back on the couch. “You know,” she continued, “I was going to wait a few more weeks before I told you about the baby just to avoid this conversation.”

Her mom finally looked up, then turned to look at Kia’s father. Their eyes met. Kia wondered what message had passed between them. Her father cleared his throat again. “You seem to have thought this through.”

“I have.”

He slumped a little deeper into the couch. “So what happens after the baby is born?”

“I don’t know yet.” She shook her head. “Reverend Petrenko says he can hook me up with couples waiting to adopt. If I want, I can choose the baby’s parents.”

Kia looked into her mom’s eyes. Kia had to look away, and for a moment she wished she’d gone through with the abortion.

“If you want?” her dad asked. He sat up suddenly. He leaned toward her, frowning. “What does that mean exactly?”

Kia was surprised to hear the impatience in his voice. This had pushed even his tolerance, and it was usually high.

“I just don’t know yet,” Kia said. “Give me some time.”

He slammed his fist on the coffee table, making Kia jump at the unexpected force of it. “You better get a grip, girl,” he said, his voice husky. “I can understand that you won’t have an abortion. But don’t plan to raise this child. I won’t support that decision.”

Kia looked at her mom and nodded. They’d made themselves perfectly clear. The battle lines were drawn. Kia just had to decide whether she was in the fight.

Feb. 6

I have redefined myself.

No longer the perfect child.

I feel release.

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     the talk
hi justin. i did it, told my parents ‘the news’. i might as well have taken a knife and plunged it through their hearts. i think if i’d confessed to being a drug addict or a hooker it wouldn’t have hurt them more. they didn’t yell or scream. i wish they had. then i wouldn’t feel so alien on those days when i flip out.
k

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     Re: the talk
hi kia & peanut,
i’m proud of you kia. that is one of the hardest things u’ll ever have to do, and i bet u did it with style. once they’re over the shock it will get easier. imagine how u’d feel if they’d given u some tuff stuff, like they were separating or something. u’d feel devastated & angry, but as u grew used to it u’d accept it. your parents are doing the same thing. they don’t love u any less. they just have to get used 2 the new u. give them time.
T.O.Y.
justin

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     A request
hi justin.
how did you get so wise? those old people u work with are lucky, but i think maybe you’d make a good minister. did you ever think of that? or a shrink or something.
i have a question to ask u, but u have to promise to say no if u don’t want 2 do it. promise? cross your heart? ok. i need someone 2 go 2 prenatal classes with me. i’ll ask shawna if you’re not into it. really. truly. it’s not a problem.
k

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     Re: a request
hi kia and little peanut.
i’d love 2 go 2 prenatal classes with u. it may be the only chance i’ll ever get. is it ok if i call myself uncle even if i’m only a pretend one?
and no, i’ve never considered being a minister or psychiatrist. lol. can u see me trying 2 act proper, with a suit and tie? or even a jacket and lace-up shoes? i like my old people. so many of them are lonely and it’s my personal goal to make each one of them laugh every day, or at least smile. i don’t think I’ve failed yet. a perfect record. how’s that for job success?
hugs,
uncle justin (it has a nice ring 2 it, don’t u think?)

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     uncle justin
I love it!! :-)
i’m going to tell angie and shawna about the peanut this weekend. wish me luck. and then i think it’s time to tell
the youth group. so bring some ice packs in case anyone faints.
k & p

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          Feb. 7
Subject:
     Fingers and toes are crossed
hi kia & peanut,
it will be a historical moment in the youth group’s check-in. expect a group hug. and good luck with angie and shawna. they luv u. they’ll accept what u’re doing.
ttfn
uncle justin