Dance Into Destiny (25 page)

“I could stay here with you all evening, but it's probably best that I don't. I promised my boys and—”

“I know how they are. I'm going to Keeva's for dinner, anyway. She's cooking for me, too. Although I'm not sure I can eat another bite.”

“Yeah, right.”

She punched him playfully. “Whatever, Quinton.”

 

Quinton pulled up in the church parking lot and came around to open the door for Shara. He leaned to kiss her but she pulled away. “The kids are over there.”

“Oops, my bad.” He helped her down and walked her to her car.

“See you tomorrow morning?”

“Yeah.”

She turned on her car. “Hey!” she called after him as he walked away.

He turned around.

“Love you.” Her smile almost broke her face.

His did too. “Love you, too.”

W
hen Shara gave Keeva their usual hello hug, Keeva clung to her.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just glad to see you. It's been forever.” Keeva stepped back without looking Shara in the eye. “I didn't get a chance to cook yet. Do you want me to order something?”

“No way. I'm still full from lunch at Quinton's.”

“Lunch at Quinton's?”

Shara walked over to the couch and plopped down, staring at the ceiling. She blushed as she told Keeva about his apartment and how he had cooked for her.

Keeva was amused at the dreamy look on Shara's face when she talked about him.

Shara's voice even sounded dreamy. “He told me he loved me.”

Keeva put her hand over her mouth. “What? Already?”

Shara gasped. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“What?”

“That large, light reflecting structure that's weighing down your ring finger that wasn't there before. Did you forget to mention something important?”

“Oh, yeah. I just got it back from being sized.” Keeva sighed and plopped down on the couch beside her. “Mark asked me to marry him.”

Shara studied Keeva's face. “Isn't this the part where you're supposed to blush and tell me excitedly that he proposed, recounting every romantic detail and show me the ring and how beautiful it is and tell me you're so excited about spending the rest of your life with him?”

“That would be the scheduled performance for my
fake
friends.
You
know better.”

“So you don't want to marry him?”

“Honestly, no.”

“What did he do when you turned him down?”

Keeva looked away. “I didn't.”

Shara's eyes bugged out. “No wonder you've been avoiding me. Let me get this straight. You told him you would marry him, but you're sitting here telling me you don't want to.”

“Well, I didn't actually
tell
him I would marry him, but that's about the gist of it.”

“Keeva, don't you think
he
should be the one you oughta be telling that you don't want to get married?”

“I know.”

“And?”

“I don't know what happened. I wasn't expecting it and he was there and he looked so earnest and so serious and I just . . . I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I sorta said yes. And then we made love—well, had sex—so that didn't seem like an appropriate time to tell him and then he left to go out of town and then he got back and has been so excited . . . I haven't found the right moment to tell him.”

“Keeva! You—”

“I know, Shara. I know I'm not being true to myself. I know I'm putting another person's feelings before mine. I know this is your proverbial box you want to let me out of. I know I can't marry him or I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. I know I can't live a lie and that marriage is a very serious thing. I know he's not my soulmate and I know if I marry him, it'll be the worst thing I could have ever done.” She paused to take a breath. “Now, what did you want to say?”

“That pretty much covers it.” Shara looked her in the eye. “Soooo . . . ?”

“I don't know Shara. Do you always have to be in my face about something?” Keeva snapped.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you'd rather me be like Jade.” Shara changed her voice to a high-pitched, valley-girl tone. “Like, ohmigod, Keeva, he proposed? That's
so
exciting. I'm so happy for you. Ooooh, look at your ring. How many carats is it? I can't wait to be a bridesmaid. Ooooh, what color dresses are we going to have? Girl, you are so lucky. Mark is sooooo wonderful. I wish I had a man just like him.” Shara put her hands on her hips. “Was that better? Is that what you want? I don't think so, or Jade would be standing in your living room instead of me.”

Keeva clenched her teeth and balled up her fists like she was about to go off on Shara and then burst into tears.

Shara put her arms around her. “I'm sorry, Keeva. I didn't mean all that.”

“Yes, you did.” Keeva wiped her eyes. “And you're right. That's precisely why I invited you over. I needed someone with some sense to talk some sense into me.”

Keeva pulled her hair. “I don't know what to do. I've thought of a million ways to tell him. I wish I could write him a letter and mail him his ring in a box. I don't want to see his face when I tell him.”

She stared off into space. “I know I can't marry him, but I am gonna miss him, you know? Even though he's no good for me, he's still . . .
there
. What if I end up like Jade and Heather and all my other hard-up girlfriends who all live in fear that they'll never get married? But then, I know I'd rather be by myself than be in a miserable marriage. As unhappy as I've been with him though, I didn't expect this to hurt so bad.”

“What?”

“Breaking up with him. It's not like you say, ‘I'm not gonna marry you' and then go back to being girlfriend and boyfriend. When I give him his ring back, that's it. It's over.” She sighed. “For the past three years, this was the man I was going to marry. Now all of a sudden, he won't be in my life anymore. Three years is a long time to all of a sudden be over and done with. And I do sort of love him in a weird sort of way. It's not like you can throw those feelings away overnight.”

She paused for a minute. “I wonder why he asked me to marry him now. We had always planned to get married after I finished graduate school. I can't help but think it's the sex thing. Since we're engaged, he figures he doesn't have to go home at night anymore. He's also been hinting that since I have to plan the wedding, I won't have time to teach the dance classes anymore. It's more of his control, keeping me in his box.”

Shara listened and allowed Keeva to reason with herself.

“I'm gonna miss him, though. I guess I can see why women get a rebound man. You need someone to fill that hole left behind. I don't want to do that, though. I want to be able to fill that hole with me. Really get to know me and spend time with me and love me. Does that make sense?”

Shara nodded.

“And I guess I also want to try to develop, you know . . . a relationship with God. If I can find Him and learn to talk to Him and hear from Him, I know He'll help fill the hole, too.”

Shara nodded again, not wanting to interrupt Keeva's introspection.

“So, I guess it's settled. I'm not marrying Mark. I'm gonna marry me instead. And God . . .” She smiled, nodding her head, as if she was satisfied with her decision.

Her smile faded. “Now all I have to do is tell him.”

A
fter church on Sunday, Quinton stepped into Pastor Kendrick's office and shut the door behind him. He cleared his throat.

Pastor Kendrick looked up. “Hey Quint-man, what's up?”

Quinton and Pastor Kendrick had gotten close since he'd joined the staff. They ate lunch together almost daily and talked about the church, ministry, and life in general. At least once a week, Quinton had dinner with Pastor Kendrick's family, and the two of them played basketball all the time.

Quinton shifted from side to side, rubbing his hands together.

Pastor Kendrick closed his notebook. “Have a seat, man. Tell me what's on your mind.”

Quinton sat on the edge of his chair. Not meeting Pastor Kendrick's eyes, he said, “Uumm, I'm not quite sure how to say this or really what I'm asking, but . . . well, I need some advice of sorts.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

Quinton took a deep breath. “The last time I dated a woman, I wasn't saved. And now that I am saved, well, I don't know how to uh . . . I don't know what I'm supposed to uh . . .”

Pastor Kendrick held up his hand. “Hey, man, forget talking youth pastor to pastor, and talk to me brother to brother. I may be a pastor, but I'm a man first.”

Quinton loosened up a little. “Man, I've never felt this way about anyone. When I was growing up, it was all about getting some.” He paused for a minute to gauge Pastor Kendrick's response. When there was none, he decided it was safe to keep talking.

“Then when I was in college, you know, I was this big basketball star. You can't imagine how easy it was, you know to . . . I mean, women throwing it at you. So, being the young stupid kid I was, I got all I could get. Then later I got engaged and still didn't have any restrictions on, well you know . . .

“And then we broke up and I got saved and it was just me and God. So now, I don't know how to date as a Christian. I mean, what's proper, you know? Some people say you should only group date until you get married, others say date only in public places and never be alone together. Others say it's okay to be alone together, but not at night. I want to do this right. I want to be an example for the kids and I would never want to do anything to hurt . . .” He let out a deep breath and sat back in his seat.

“I thought I knew what love was before, but now
I know
I know. If this isn't love, I don't want to ever be in love, because if real love is any stronger than what I'm feeling right now, I don't know what I'd do. I can barely function. I want to be with her and see her and I think about her all the time . . .”

Quinton felt very vulnerable saying all this, but he had to talk to
someone
about it. Pastor Kendrick had become the big brother he never had.

Pastor Kendrick sat for a few seconds. “I have to be honest. As a pastor, I've never wanted to run my members' lives. I know a lot of pastors who dictate their members' lives down to what they wear and where they're ‘allowed' to go. I figure if you have the Word of God and His Spirit in you, He should dictate to you what you do. But since you asked . . .”

He rubbed his goatee. “I think it's safe to start out dating with other people or being out in public. At a certain point, you start to seek God about whether this person is your mate or not. If you believe she is, then things start to change and then it gets difficult. That point between when you decide to get serious, and the time you walk down the aisle and say ‘I do' . . . man, I would never want to go through that again. It's pure torture.”

Quinton furrowed his eyebrows. This wasn't exactly the advice he was expecting, but he appreciated Pastor Kendrick's honesty. “I thought it was just me.”

Pastor Kendrick laughed. “Naw, it ain't just you. It's any man trying to live for God and do things right. The urge is bad enough when you're just trying to ‘get some' as you say. When you're actually in
love
, like you appear to be . . . it's ten times worse. It's the natural progression of things. That's the way God made us. You love a person, and everything in you is made to want to take it to that level.”

“So what do I do?”

Pastor Kendrick leaned forward as if he was about to tell Quinton the secret to the meaning of life. “You play it safe.” He leaned back in his chair, as if he had just preached his best sermon.

“What does that mean?”

“You make sure you don't give the enemy, or your flesh or your natural, God-given desires, any room to make you do something your spirit man doesn't want you to do. Obviously, after you get that serious, group dating only is not realistic. There's no way you can fully get to know someone you want to spend the rest of your life with that way. On the other hand, it's not realistic to think you can sit on the couch late at night hugged up under a blanket watching
Love Jones.
The right answer is somewhere in between.”

Quinton nodded.

Pastor Kendrick continued, “You have to decide where that safe place is for you. Some men don't allow a kiss on the cheek or handholding because they know themselves and where that will end up. Others don't even trust themselves to be in a room alone with their future mate. Other men can trust themselves to have private dates at home and they know the evening will end with a hug and kiss at the door. You have to know you and what you would do. And then—stay safe.”

Quinton was relieved. It wasn't so bad after all.

Pastor Kendrick had one last bit of advice. “Never overestimate yourself. Never say, ‘I wouldn't do this', or ‘I'd never do that'. Don't think that you're stronger than you actually are. Never underestimate the power of love and your ‘physical nature'. It's more powerful than you think. The minute you think you won't fall is the minute you fall.”

Quinton smiled, but then realized how serious Pastor Kendrick was. He made a mental note of this last piece of advice. He stood, feeling as if he had gotten all the help he needed. “Thanks, Pastor. I really want to do right. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt . . . this woman.”

“This woman?” Pastor Kendrick laughed. “Aaawww, man, I thought we was keeping it real. I know good and well who you're talking about. Shoot, the whole church knows.”

Quinton's eyes flew open.

That made Pastor Kendrick laugh even harder. “Please, man, I know you guys are trying to be discreet, or
whatever
, but both of you turn complete
fool
when the other one is in the room. Can't talk right, can't walk right, can't do nothing right. Please! You might as well relax and be real, 'cause y'all ain't fooling nobody. Even the kids whisper and make bets about when you're gonna get married.”

Quinton didn't realize it was so obvious. He bit his lip.

Pastor Kendrick slapped him on the back. “I couldn't be happier that you guys are together. I think you guys make a great couple and a truly godly couple. I'm excited to see what God will accomplish through the two of you together for the Kingdom.”

“Thanks, man. That means a lot to me.” He hadn't realized how much Pastor Kendrick's approval would mean to him until that moment. He was happy he had his blessing.

Pastor Kendrick lifted a finger. “One last piece of advice. This may be premature, but two simple words that saved me and Jenell. Short engagement.”

“Huh?”

“Christians ain't got no business talking about we're engaged and the wedding is a year from now. You think it's hard now? Wait 'til you know you're definitely getting married. You start imagining your life together, and start that wedding night countdown. It becomes near to impossible. I'm not sure even the godliest of men can stay holy under those circumstances if the engagement is far away.”

Pastor Kendrick's phone rang. He smiled as he looked at the caller ID and picked it up. “Hey, you.”

Quinton started toward the door.

Pastor Kendrick called behind him, “Hey, Jenell cooked up a big Sunday dinner. Now that the truth is out, why don't the two of you join us?”

Quinton grinned. “Yeah, man. That sounds great.”