Crushed (17 page)

Two
fucking hours.

That’s
how long I sat in that waiting room not knowing if my wife and child were alive
or dead

The
two longest fucking hours of my life.

Dr.
Andrews came out. I stood up to greet him

“Mr.
Alexander, take a seat.”

“Your
wife had extensive internal bleeding, she had damage to her liver and we had to
remove a portion of it. There was also some significant brain swelling. We went
in and relieved some of the pressure, but the rest is up to her. The swelling
is the biggest issue, the rest can heal with time. At the moment we have her in
a medically induced coma, we will keep her that way until the swelling goes
down.”

I
nodded. I just wanted to hold her, to hear her smile and laugh.

“As
for the baby.” He cleared his throat before continuing

“The
baby was only 26 weeks gestation. Not ideal for delivery but viable. She
weighed in at 2 pounds on the dot.”

She?

“She
is in the NICU, you will be able to see her later if you want. For now she is
alive, but I have to stress again, this is very early. Someone from the NICU
will explain more to you. You will be the only one who can see her. The rest of
the family can stand by the nursery window but no one can enter the room.”

She?

We
had a little girl. Emmalyn and I had a daughter. She’s only 2 pounds. God how
small that must be.

Alex
went to deal with the Seth situation and Holly. I knew they were going to kill
her. I spent years putting up with Holly and her stalker shit, for Alex. So his
father wouldn’t kill her. I didn’t care anymore. Neither did Alex.

Holly
would be dead soon.

Emmalyn
might die too.

My
daughter.

Me.

I’d
die if they didn’t live.

Lacey
and I walked to the elevator with a Dr. Bailey. He was the NICU specialist that
Lacey called in as soon as we spoke to Doctor Andrews. He was taking us up to
see the baby.

I
was nervous as hell.

6
hours ago, I thought that I had lost my wife’s heart forever, and that my best
friend was the father of her baby. Now I am a father and my wife and daughter
were fighting to survive.

As
soon as we entered the NICU floor I felt it

Death

Sadness

Heartbreak.

It
was thick in the air. You could almost touch it. I can’t explain the feeling,
it was just there. This floor was life or death for babies it fucking sucked to
know that my child was here.

The
doctor led me to a room, he told me I would have to scrub up, and a nurse took
me in where we washed my hands and arms with surgical soap. I was then dressed
in scrubs and given a yellow isolation gown. They explained that the babies
couldn’t handle germs.

When
we entered the room where the babies were I was nervous.

Huge
machines were connected to most of the incubators. Sad parents were standing
around them. Crying and looking exhausted. Hopeful and resigned at the same
time.

I
met Dr. Bailey who was standing across the room before a private room. When he
saw me, he motioned for me to join him.

The
nurse was still behind me, she explained on the way that my daughter would have
a private room to respect our privacy. I hadn’t even thought about the press or
another patient seeing me and reporting what was happening.

The
doctor explained that most of the parents were too concerned with their
newborns to worry about movie stars, but just in case we would have a private
room and the medical staff would keep other people out. The room had a window
where Lacey could stand outside, but no one else could stand by.

Dr.
Bailey led me over to the incubator

That’s
when I saw her

She
was so fucking tiny.

She
had a little pink hat on, and a diaper that looked 5 sizes too big.

She
had tubes and wires sticking out all over her body. Her skin was reddish-purple
and so thin that I could see the blood vessels underneath She looked so thin.
Unlike Mason who was born early, but still had some baby fat.  She could
fit in my hand. She was that small

That
couldn’t be good.

Dr.
Bailey stood beside me suddenly explaining;  “she’s too small to breath,
suck and swallow at the same time, so we have to feed her through a vein that
will stay in until she learns to do that on her own. She can’t breathe on her
own either her respiratory system is immature, so we have machines that will do
that for her too. Her heart has what we call patent ductus arterious which we
can treat with medications but we think it will be best to go in and fix it
surgically. She’s hypertensive as well, which again we are medicating. We are keeping
her warm, babies that are born this early have no body fat like a full term
baby, so she is unable to regulate her body temperature. So we are keeping her
in there until she starts to gain some weight and can do that on her own.”

I
couldn’t take my eyes off her. Dr. Bailey went on

“I
hate to overwhelm you, but I feel like it’s better for you to know all of this
information now. She is at risk for several infections. Her immune system
obviously is non-existent. It didn’t have time to develop, when babies are in
utero they have a system, a sequence in which different parts develop. She was
born nearly in the middle of her ‘cooking time’ you could call it, so
everything that takes place from 26 weeks on, now has to take place outside,
which is hard. She could die Mr. Alexander, I don’t tell you that to scare you,
but to prepare you. We are going to work around the clock to take care of her,
but you should be here as much as possible. Spend as much time with her as you
possibly can, because we have no way of knowing one day to another how she is
going to be. She’s strong, she’s a fighter, we see babies come out this early
who last minutes, and don’t have the fight she is displaying. She’s a tough
baby. Just sit here and talk to her, she can hear you, studies show it helps to
hear from their parents.”

“When
can, I um hold her?” I asked

Dr.
Bailey frowned. “Not just yet Ryan.” I had told him to call me Ryan, I figured
I would be seeing him enough “She’s really fragile, we are going to schedule
her surgery for later this afternoon. Maybe if she starts to improve more you
can hold her. In the meantime, if you put these gloves on, you can reach in and
touch her.”

He
handed me a pair of purple gloves that I put on right away

“Now
remember, she’s very fragile, her skin is not firm and you could easily cause
damage. Just gently rub and talk to her. The most important thing for you to do
is be here, take deep breaths. Don’t get upset, I know it is scary, I know her
mother is in bad shape and this is all a lot to take in, but she will pick up
on the tension in the room and we want her to stay as calm as possible.”

“Okay.”
I replied

I
reached through the tiny little circle arm holes that were on either side of
the incubator. It was awkward at first. I was almost scared to touch her. I
needed to. I needed her to know she wasn’t alone, that her daddy was here.

I
ran the back of my pointer finger against her little cheek “Hi beautiful girl,
I’m your daddy.” I felt the tears running down my cheek “your mommy will be
better soon, I know she can’t wait to meet you. I am so happy you are here and
you are going to be just fine. Such a brave girl.”

I
went on talking to her. I told her that she would have surgery to fix her
heart, and that when she woke up I would still be there.

It
was hard to tune out the sound of the machines, the beeps and pops of electric
items that were keeping my child alive. They were intimidating.

The
nurse came in and told me that they would be taking her into surgery soon and
that they needed to prep her. Meaning they had to switch all her machines to
portable ones and get her stable for the move.

When
they wheeled her out of the room, I followed through the private door into the
hallway. Lacey was sitting in a chair reading a book.

“Hey”
I said getting her attention

“Oh
my God Ryan, I saw her she’s so fucking small but she’s so beautiful, the nurse
told me she’s holding on tight though, so that’s good.”

I
nodded “I need to go see Em.” I knew they said no visitors for the first few
hours after she came out, but I felt that enough time had passed, I needed to
see her I needed to know she was okay too.

Lacey
nodded “I’ll stay here and text you if they bring the baby back.”

I
gave her a hug and headed to the floor below us which was the ICU.

Dr.
Andrews greeted me, he was just checking her vitals. He told me she was doing
well, but was the same. She wouldn’t wake up, but that I was more than welcome
to sit and talk to her.

“Hey
baby, I mean Em. Shit, baby. I have had enough of not being able to call you
that. I saw our daughter, she’s so beautiful Emmalyn, and she’s so tiny. It’s
almost scary. She can’t breathe on her own. They just took her up to surgery,
they are going to repair some issues with her valves and her heart. It’s all so
much. I don’t know what to do. I need you to get better and wake up and do this
with me. She needs you too. I can’t fight for her on my own baby.”

I
laid my head down on the bed by her side holding her hand. I must have fallen
asleep because I felt someone shaking my arm gently to wake me up.

It
was Dr. Bailey. He smiled “she did amazing. We repaired the issues, she’s back
in her room, but I would give her a little time to settle back down and then
you can head down.”

I
shook his hand and thanked him before he headed out

“Emmalyn,
I mean it please get better I need you to do this with me. I mean she doesn’t
even have a name.”

I
knew it was selfish, I needed Emmalyn so much more. I needed to see her
beautiful blue eyes. They always reminded me the deep ocean, and they always lit
up when she was smiling. I needed her to know how sorry I was, I needed her to
know everything and know how hard I fought to fix it all. I needed her to hold
my hand and help me while our daughter fought for her life. I needed to know
that Emmalyn wouldn’t leave me, because I didn’t think I could live in a world
without her in it.

 
I loved her, I wasted so much time worrying about the shit with my dad and
letting other people get in the way, and then there was the whole Katie thing.
I fucked up so bad and I wasted moments I’ll never get back with her. She had
to wake up HAD to. So I could tell her how much she meant to me, every moment
of every day for the rest of our lives.

         
3 weeks had passed. Em was still not awake. Her brain swelling had gone down,
the doctor’s said it was up to her now. She would have to make the choice to
wake up when her body felt she was ready. They warned me about possible damage,
but they wouldn’t know until she woke up. I didn’t worry about that, she would
be fine when she woke. She had to be. We needed her.

         
Our daughter was doing well. The first week was rough, when they did the
surgery, they didn’t have to fully cut her open, they performed a laparoscopic
surgery to help her heal faster. Given her tiny body it was best if she could
use her energy on other areas. She had some issues. She stopped breathing
several times. Her o2 stats went down a lot. The first time it happened I was
just getting ready to head home to take a quick shower and grab something to
eat, I told her I would be back. As soon as I touched the door knob alarm bells
started going off and nurses and Dr. Bailey came running in. Asking me to step
outside.

         
Lacey grabbed my hand as we watched them working on her, I was trying to be
strong, but when your child’s life is hanging in the balance like that, it’s
pretty fucking impossible to stay strong.

The
doctor came out and explained what had happened and did what they needed to do
to make her better. They were adding another medication and hopefully her lungs
would start to get the hang of breathing, it was all new to her.

         
3 weeks later I was given the green light to hold her.

At
first I didn’t want to. I was spending 3 hours with the baby, 3 hours with
Emmalyn and then back with the baby. The nurses were amazing, I didn’t know if
it was my star status (a few asked for autographs and when the baby started
feeling better, pictures) but a cot was set up for me in Em’s room. I got to
shower there and only had to go home every other day to grab new clothes and
grab real food. I hated leaving either one of them. And after the scary moment
with the baby a few weeks ago. I stopped telling her that I was leaving and
changed it to “I’ll be back”.

         
I finally agreed to hold her, and they explained that skin to skin contact was
beneficial for her. I took my shirt off and tried it. Worried that she would be
cold. The nurses wrapped us both in a light blanket as the tiny baby laid on my
chest. She was so small, about the size of 1 and a half of my hands. She was
growing. Every day, but holding her for that first time. It was like picking up
a small book. I worried I would break her.

Dr.
Bailey said this would be more ideal if Emmalyn could do it, and when she woke
up they would have her holding her as well, helping with bonding and all that.
It made me miss her so much more.

I
couldn’t put her down after that. I held her as often as I could. There were
days when she would start off a little rough. She would have issues with her
vitals and the nurses would tell me I couldn’t. One of these mornings a new
nurse came in and started moving her wires around to bring her to me. I took my
shirt off and she bundled us together. I sat there telling the baby stories
about her mom, and what I had done that day. Just talking. Two hours later Dr.
Bailey came in and asked me why I was holding her. At first I didn’t understand
but he started checking the monitor and comparing her stats to those on his
iPad from her earlier. He looked at me and smiled “she had a very rough night
last night. We were not going to let her out and until an hour before you came
in she wasn’t breathing very well. Looks like time with her daddy has done her
well.”

From
then on there wasn’t really any “you can’t hold her right now.”

She
was already a daddy’s girl.

Em
woke up 2 days later. I was in with her and was telling her about the baby
finally opening her eyes when she was laying on me when I laughed while telling
her a story about the first time I met Emmalyn, it was a brief look, but one
that sounded like “I’m here dad and I want her too.”

Her
eyes were blue, just like her mom’s. Piercing beautiful blue.

My
hand was on Emmalyn’s, I was recalling the whole thing and telling her how
beautiful our daughter was, when Em opened her eyes and looked at me, smiling
slightly. She reached up and pulled her oxygen mask away from her face and
tried to talk, but it just came out crackled and sounded painful.

“Hold
on just a second baby.” I ran to the door and called out for someone to come
in. A nurse came in and saw that she was awake and paged Ems doctor. Checking
her vital signs the nurse was smiling at Em, but Em was looking at me. The
nurse told me I should wait to keep talking to her until the doctor had a
chance to check her out, we didn’t want to overwhelm her, but she looked pretty
fucking fine to me.

Dr.
Smith came in 2 minutes later. He asked Em some really stupid questions like if
she knew what year it was, if she knew her name, if she knew who I was. She
answered all of them. Then he asked her if she remembered what happened to her.
She remembered fighting with Alex and pulling out the driveway, but nothing
else. I was a little relieved to know she didn’t remember a truck driven by
that crazy bitch Holly smashing into her.

They
took her away for CT scans and a bunch of tests. The Dr. told me they had to
make sure everything was working the way that it should. When they wheeled her
back in, she was talking to the doctor and laughing about something.

         
I was finally able to hold her hand. She let me. I was a little nervous,
knowing that she remembered everything, that she might not want me anywhere
near her, and I was super relieved when she looked at me and said “let’s just
forget everything that happened. We can talk about it later. I am so glad you
are here. So glad Ryan.” I kissed her.

         
I told her about the baby, everything that had been happening “she’s a fucking fighter
Em, just like you. I mean seriously if you could have seen how small she was 3
weeks ago, she’s not much bigger now, but she looks less… Scary. She’s freaking
amazing. I can’t wait for you to see her.” I exclaimed.

         
She wasn’t able to get up. Lacey and Jason came to saw her, and brought Mason.
Em was weak though, so the doctors wouldn’t let her out of bed for a few days.
She was freaking out. She wanted to see the baby. I had a million pictures on
my phone that I sent to my mom, but we both agreed she didn’t want her first
time seeing her daughter to be from a cell phone pic.