Crushed (14 page)

I
just nodded, closing my eyes for another few hours.

I
woke up to the nurse taking my IV’s out and the doctor telling me no drinking
for a while. The cops came and took my statement and Katie was arrested. I
fired Cindy, but not before she told me that Katie had arranged for the whole
“fake relationship” thing.

I
was shocked to hear that it was her idea. Katie was tiny, and she seemed so
innocent, I guess that was really not the case.

The
cab ride to the airport I couldn’t think straight. All I could think about was
trying to fix what Emmalyn had saw, I was drugged yes, but if I hadn’t been
drinking I would have been in that position. I knew she wouldn’t forgive me

It
killed me that I wouldn’t be able to try and fix things with her. I would have
to stay away from her until I could find a way to take my dad down. If I
couldn’t do it my own way, I would have to reach out to Alex and the club and
that would be a more permanent solution.

But
today. I needed to try and find a way to do it the right way. Even if it killed
me to be away from her, I knew she would need time and that would give me time
to try and make it right.

Staying
with Alex wasn’t bad at all. He was actually really doting. I could see why he
and Ryan were such good friends. You wouldn’t know it by looking at them from
the outside, but they were both very romantic.

My
morning sickness really kicked in... I couldn’t really hold anything down but I
sure as shit tried. I knew the baby needed it.

I
finally had to break down and head to my doctor who gave me a prescription for
Diclegis for my morning sickness. I was losing weight and had no energy for
anything.

Alex
still cooked for me three times a day. The rest of the day he was out, he had
club stuff to do. I met a few of the guys, Rob was really sweet, and he was
married to a nice woman named Tiffany

Mike
and Lisa were another couple I met at the house. They were the age my parents
would be, or were.

I
never went to the clubhouse. I asked once and Alex told me he didn’t want me to
be tainted with all of the crazy shit that happens there.

Alex’s
feelings were clear. A few times he would lean in to kiss me when we were
laughing about something. Then shake his head and think better of it and
apologize.

One
night we were hanging out and watching a movie, and he was making fun of
something I said, so I threw my popcorn at him.

He
took a handful and threw it at me, which lead to me pinching him.

He
grabbed me and threw me under him, tickling me causing me to turn red which he
found hysterical.

Suddenly
his face grew serious, before I knew it, he was kissing me.

His
kiss was gentle, scared almost of what my reaction would be, but something he
needed to do.

I
kissed him back

I
hadn’t seen Ryan in weeks. He called and texted constantly, but it stopped one
day. I had heard nothing from him. Jason never mentioned him. Lacey wouldn't.

We
were done. Ryan had moved on, there was no reason that I couldn’t do the same.

I
had to let go too.

But
I felt the new life growing inside of me and that made it hard.

I
opened my mouth letting Alex flick his tongue inside. As soon as he did, all
thoughts left me.

I
had heard that anything sexual while pregnant was amplified, that was no joke.

Alex
fully undressed me, and laid me on the couch, and began licking and sucking on
my pussy I about came instantly. He was fucking amazing. He was so gentle, it
was amazing.

When
he crawled up on top of me he gentle kissed each and every inch of my body
until he reached my lips, kissing and sucking on my bottom lip.

I
felt him sit up and remove his pants. He took off his belt as well. When he was
standing naked in front of me, I had to pause to look at how amazing he looked.
He wasn’t as muscular as Ryan was, Ryan was strong male model strong. But Alex
was strong. He was covered in more tattoo’s than I realized, all over his chest
and back

They
were beautiful, mostly black ink but he had one that looked fairly new that was
blue and pink. I never thought I would see a many with pink. I leaned closer to
look at the tattoo across his heart and I gasped.

He
knew what I was doing and watched my face to gauge my reaction.

“
Emmalyn”
it read

“You
got my name tattooed on you?”

“I
did.” He said

“Why?”

“Because
I am in love with you, I knew you were married to someone else, but I think
that a great love only happens once in a life time. I think you own my soul. I
could meet someone else, maybe someday I will, but she will never be you, and
she will never be the love of my life. That’s all you Emmalyn I have never been
in love before, I had to mark it. I have tattoos for every milestone since I
turned 18. You had to be on there too.”

“But
what happens if you do meet someone else and fall in love, how will you explain
that?” I ask

“Easy,
he says. Any girl I ever date will know about you, they will know that I loved
you with everything if she can’t understand the importance of a great love,
then I have no business being with her.”

“How
can you love me so much when you have never even had me?” I ask feeling shy

“Another
easy one, anyone who has ever spent any amount of time with you, falls in love
with you Em, the nurses when Mason was born. When you left the room they would
all rave about how sweet you were. Mike and Lisa, they both talk all the time
about how amazing you are. The first day I saw you, I fell for you. I know Ryan
said the same thing, he told me. But I didn’t know when I met you that you were
his. When I met you I wanted you to be mine. I haven’t been able to push you
out of my heart. I tried. When I found out you were engaged, when you married
him and the day I found out you were pregnant. But no matter how hard I try, I
take one look in your eyes and I want to crawl inside and love you forever. You
might never love me Em, but trust me the love I have for you, is enough for the
both of us.”

Before
I could say anything more he was kissing me again, rubbing his hands up and
down my sides, pausing to touch my belly.

He
was always feeling my belly.  I know he knew that the baby was Ryan’s but
he was very protective, he would read to it, and sometimes when I fell asleep I
would hear him singing. It was really sweet.

Alex
reached down and grabbed his belt and brought it up “I’m going to tie your
hands up but down worry, it won’t hurt.”

I
let him do it.

As
soon as my hands were secured above my head he started kissing his way down my
neck, and belly. Laying extra kisses on my beginning baby bump.

When
he was done he looked up at me through long lashes “I have been dreaming about
this moment for months. Is it weird that I am kind of scared?” he asked

“Not
at all I kind of am too

I
thought about reaching out to hug him, but remembered that I couldn’t.

He
smiled when he realized what I was doing.

He
stood up over me and began to slowly stoke his length while his tongue flicked
out to lick his lips.

He
was really enjoying himself, the pleasure clear on his face. He threw his head
back a few times stroking faster and faster each time and then looking back at
me with a fierce expression of lust I almost came on the spot. I wanted to
touch him.

Obviously
knowing what I was thinking, he walked up to wear my head was and turned my
face towards the side facing him. He bent down slowly and stuck his cock in my
mouth, groaning loudly as soon as my tongue swirled around the bottom of it and
sucking gently. I began to move my head back and forth while Alex started
cursing and moaning my name.

Before
I could get too ballsy with what I was doing he removed himself from my mouth
and laid back on top of me.

As
soon as he was situation on his arms so he was putting no weight on my stomach
he entered me. I expected him to go hard and fast. Ryan always did that and I
loved it. But Alex was different. I’m not saying better, because I would never
say that, but Alex was concentrating, like if he went too fast this would be
over in a second and he wanted, no needed to savor each and every moment.

His
thrusts were deep, but slowly, each time he pulled out and pushed back in he
watched my face.

I
realized being watched so intently made this so much personal, and I loved
that. I felt wanted, I felt needed and it was an amazing feeling.

I
didn’t need him to go harder, the sex was so filled with emotion on his part
and starting on mine, that I was totally okay with it remaining at the pace it
was.

“Baby,
yeah baby just like that” he moaned, I was squeezing my inner muscles I
couldn’t reach him. I wanted to touch him and I couldn’t it was torture

“I
want to touch you.” I moaned

He
looked at me, and then reached up quickly, still thrusting in and out and with
one hand unhooked the belt and threw it to the floor. As soon as he was done he
leaned down and kissed me deeply

“This
is so much better than I thought it would be.” He grunted

I
took my hands to the top of his shoulders and scratched them down his back, I
knew it hurt. I laughed when he yelled “FUCK” and then picked up the pace,
while he was doing that he had both of my nipples between his thumb and
forefinger and was squeezing, I thought that it would hurt, but suddenly my
orgasm tore through me and I came hard squirting all over all over him.

“Holy
fucking shit that was the hottest thing I have ever seen Emmalyn” He tells me,
still pumping

I
am watching him now, his eyes are closed like he is concentrating. He opens his
eyes and looks at me “I love you, I know you can’t say it back but I love you
so much. So so so much.” He’s just moaning and telling me how much he loves me.

As
soon as he is done, I feel the tears well up in my eyes

Alex
notices too

“Shit
babe, I didn’t mean to make you cry, was it that bad?”

I
laugh, brushing the tears away from my face “No, it was that good. I feel like
I am betraying someone, I know I shouldn’t but I do.”

He
doesn’t say anything, just watches me. He gets up and heads into the kitchen
and grabs a beer, and brings me a bottle of apple juice. Which makes me laugh,
he knows how much I have been craving juice since I got pregnant.

He
sits back down beside me, pulling me into his arms as he brushes my hair back
with his hands

“I
care about Ryan, he’s been my best friend for most of my life. I wanted him to
be happy for so long Em, I even told myself that I could be okay with you being
with him, if it meant that he would be happy.”

“I
knew that I was lying to myself, that I wanted you too bad, but that’s half the
reason why I walked away. He didn’t appreciate you. I’m not saying that he
didn’t love you I think he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone in his
entire life. I can say that to you because I probably outside of you know him
better than anyone else. But he didn’t put you first, and he did it more than
once. Ryan knew what an amazing prize you were, he told me a few times how
lucky he felt, but then he chose his job. If my dad came to me and told me that
I had to pretend to be with another bitch and not you, I would knock him out,
cut off my patch and never speak to him again. I wouldn’t let anyone tell me I
couldn’t be with my girl. Ryan didn’t do that though, I don’t know what happened
with him fucking some whore in the hotel and you walking in, I am sure someday
we will find out more, but for now I will tell you that I worship you. I would
lay down my whole world at your feet if I thought it would make you happy. I
need to see you smile, I need it more than anything. I want you to be happy, I
want your baby to be happy and I think that you feeling bad about what we just
did, is more about you feeling like you were ripped away from this dream of
happiness you had with Ryan, one that he seems to have wanted too but not quite
as bad. Because nothing or no one else made him make these choices. He may have
been coerced, but he made the final choice, and that’s all on him, not you
babe. You get to be happy too.”

I
cried again. For a totally different reason this time.

I
was starting to show. I was about 4 months along now, and in a full
relationship with Alex. It was hard. But he made it so easy. He was always
showering me with kisses, rubbing my belly and when the morning sickness hit,
he would always run into the bath room, hold my hair and wipe down my face. He
was the sweetest man, he was rough around the edges. He swore like a sailor,
and scratched his balls right in the open, but it made me like him so much more
that he wasn’t afraid to be himself.

I
went with him to a party at the clubhouse. It was pretty crazy, and he stayed
by my side the whole time. He would ask me every few minutes if I needed
anything, or if I was too warm or cold. It made me thankful for him. I could
have been doing all of this on my own. Getting over Ryan, preparing for a baby,
but I wasn’t.

Alex
went with me on all of my appointments. My morning sickness was getting better,
but I was still taking the medication, which made me pretty sleepy so getting
out wasn’t something I did very often.

We
still didn’t hear from Ryan, I googled him a few times and saw that he had
finished his show after he returned home. He was now telling the public that he
was single and that he was never in a relationship with Katie Williams. He
didn’t mention me, not that I expected him, but I did notice that he looked
really sad in his photos. The ones where he was out and about, he always had a
lot more scruff than normal. I always told him I hated the baby face look of
men, and he always sported the perfect amount of facial hair. Not too much, and
not bare.

He
didn’t smile for the cameras. Even when a fan stopped him for a photo, he would
fake smile and it looked painful. The fans didn’t notice, but I knew what he
looked like when he was happy. At least I thought that I did.

         
I tried to ignore the fan made petitions fans wanting Ryan Alexander and Katie
Williams to get back together. They missed their ‘golden couple’ and wanted to
see them plastered on the pages of their favorite magazines again. Ryan gave a
few interviews where he was quoted as saying he just wasn’t “feeling a
connection” with Katie. When asked if he would ever be ready to settle down his
response was “when she finds me I will.”

         
And I still hated him for sleeping with her. But I still loved him. I was with
Alex, but I was married to someone I would have given anything to be with for
forever. I missed him everywhere I went. I would see him, his smile, hear his
favorite songs play on the radio, the ones that he would belt at the top of his
lungs to make me laugh.

         
When I would sit down to eat dinner, it was usually take out. Alex didn’t cook
much, I missed Ryan’s cooking. Alex would dote on me and make sure I was
eating, but he didn’t feed me the way Ryan did when he noticed I wasn’t eating.
I didn’t want to be babied, but there was something sweet and loving about the
way Ryan would coddle my on occasion. Like I was his most prized possession and
he didn’t want anything to happen to me.

         
Lacey and Jason didn’t mention him. I tried to not ask much after a while. I
would go over and see Mason, sometimes Alex would come, but he was usually busy
with the club. They would give me “he’s okay” answers and then start talking to
one another like I wasn’t there. I started to feel like they resented me, like
maybe I was the bad guy or something. So I stopped going by.

         
I went 2 weeks. I didn’t call Lacey, I didn’t stop over and I didn’t think they
would notice. That was until she came over to Alex’s pissed off one day. “Where
have you been?” She yelled at me, dragging Mace’s baby carrier with her, he was
giggling and kicking his chubby little legs when he saw me.

“What
do you mean?” I asked her stepping aside so she could come in

“I
mean, I have not seen or heard from you in 2 weeks, I thought you might be dead
or something. Your new boy toy kills people for a living, and while I love Alex
I think I might love you a hell of a lot more.”

She
pulls Mason out of his seat and holds him out to me. I gladly take him while he
claps his little hands together

“There’s
my favorite boy in the world, are you being good for your mommy?” I said
loading kisses on his chubby cheeks

“His
mommy has been worried about her sister, so he told me we needed to come and
check on her.” She leaned over and kissed Mason’s other cheek “Tell her, tell
Auntie how worried we have been about her.”

I
looked at her, and sat down with Mason still in my arms “I know you guys blame
me, I just wanted to give you all some space, I didn’t think you would really
mind.”

“What
the hell are you talking about, blame you for what and when in my whole life
have I ever sent you away. Even when I was mad at you?”

I
stopped, bouncing Mason on my knee a few times before I responded

“Listen,
things have been really weird between the 3 of us since I came back from New
York, I know originally you took my side on the Ryan thing, but it feels like
you and Jason really don’t want to talk to me. I come over and I ask about him
and you change the subject with an A and B conversation. I mean I don’t
understand what changed, but I can feel it, whatever it is when I am there and
I just feel unwanted. It’s no big deal I mean he’s Jason’s brother so I totally
get it.”

I
looked down, not willing to see her face. I didn’t want to see her confirm all
of my fears that I was going to lose my sister over this whole thing.

“First
of all, I am not mad at you, and I don’t blame you. Second of all I think Jason
has missed you more than I have, I am so busy with the baby, he misses you
coming by to help him out with stuff and playing with the baby so he can have
sex with me without fear of a screaming Mason in the middle. Lastly, there are
things we know... Things I can’t tell you about because they are not mine to
share, but know that we don’t hate you and we are not choosing sides.”

They
aren’t choosing sides? Who said anything about sides?

“What
do you mean sides?” I asked

“Nothing
Em, don’t make me do this, I promise anything else you want to know I will tell
you, I would never hide anything from you, but this… This isn’t mine and you
need to wait until Ryan shares with you.”

“I
haven’t talked to Ryan in about 2 months. He has moved on, clearly there is
nothing to share Lacey, it’s over. He’s done. Let’s drop it okay?”

She
stared at me for several moments before she opened and closed her mouth several
times wanting to say something but thinking better on it each and every time.
She leaned forward and placed her elbows on her knees and whispered quietly to
me

“He’s
barely holding on Emmalyn. I have never seen a grown man cry like that, but I
have a feeling nothing is going to compare to what he will be feeling when he
finds out his baby is growing inside of you, and you are in a relationship with
his best friend. I don’t blame you for dating Alex, he’s in love with you too,
but we both know you love Ryan just as much as he loves you. Some really fucked
up shit has gone down, and Ryan is to blame for a lot of it. I won’t take his
guilt away and lie for him, he fucked up and everyone knows what he has to hold
for blame. But, you are married to him still, you are having his baby. You need
to stop being this naïve girl, thinking that you will just get to move on and
be fine. You are not fine either, you aren’t. So make some changes and if you
choose to end it with Ryan for forever, I will support you, but he deserves to
know about the baby and Alex.”

I
didn’t understand why the baby and Alex would change anything, he still cheated
on me.  I knew I had to tell him about the baby, but I wasn’t ready yet. I
knew it was selfish too, but I earned that. I married him and he promised me
things and in a moment of doubt he threw it all away.

“I
will tell him when I am ready Lacey, but thanks for tossing all this shit at me
and making me feel like it’s my fault poor Ryan is a little sad. I am sure he
has plenty of girls around to fix that.”

She
stood up quickly

“He
hasn’t been with a single fucking one, he’s been living at our house Lacey! The
only time he leaves is to go to work. He fucking mopes around acting like a boy
who lost his puppy. I am telling you, he’s a wreck.”

“I’m
sorry he feels that way.” I said looking down at the top of Mason’s head. The
buy fell asleep against my chest, his little hand down on my growing baby bump

“I
wanted to be with him for forever. I love him so much, more than anyone or
anything before, maybe even more than Daddy, but he made his choices and I
can’t let them go. Please don’t ask me to let them go.”

She
knelt down beside me and rubbed my arm, careful not to jostle her sleeping son
in my arms

“I
wouldn’t dream of taking this away from you, I think this pain is a growing
experience in a really fucked up way. You kind of need it to realize where you
stand, but just know that I know so much more than you do, and I am asking. No
begging you not to shut the door on him until you know more.”

She
didn’t have time to say anything else, because two seconds later Alex came
through the door. He was really nice to her but I think he knew we were talking
about Ryan. “Hey Lace.” He said, kissing me on the cheek as he came through.
She looked up at him and back to me and frowned a little. Alex loved me, like
really loved me, and he was a good guy and there was NO drama in being with
him. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have someone like that.

“Hey
listen, come by for dinner tonight, it will be like a double date. Mason will
want more time with his Auntie anyway, he’s going to be pissed when he wakes up
and sees you aren’t here.” Lacey says, already buckling the baby into his car
seat

I
looked at her. Didn’t she just tell me that Ryan was living with them?

Alex
was heading upstairs to take a shower and said his goodbyes to Lacey and a
sleeping Mason before looking at me “I’m game if you are babe, let me know when
I get out.”

I
looked at Lacey “I thought you said Ryan is at your place?”

“He
is, but he works tonight, so you can come over and hang out.”

I
looked at her, “fine” I said. I was nervous to be at her house, but I did miss
out hangouts.