Crown's Chance at Love (3 page)

I look at her as she looks up and she notices that we are at the local high school’s soccer field. We get out and I start to walk, hoping that she will follow me, I look back and she is. I sit on the cold bleacher and she comes and sits next to me. We sit quietly, until I finally speak.

“Emily said you haven’t cried. Is that true?”

I look at her as she sits so quietly looking at her hands and then she looks towards the field sitting straight, her back a little stiff. Finally she says, “Yeah, it’s true.”

“She’s worried.”

“I know.” She whispers looking out at the field.

“Have you been avoiding me?” I ask, giving her a side glance.

“You know it.” She says cracking a little bit of a smile.

“Why?” I ask.

“You want me to talk… I just don’t know what to say yet.” She says swallowing hard.

“Why haven’t you cried Rin?” I ask, trying to make my voice stay calm.

“I don’t know… I’ve been around the kids and when my parents and I had to tell them about Sean’s accident, I didn’t want them to see me lose it. Then in between staying up with them and planning the funeral, I just haven’t… I haven’t had time.” She says quietly. I know she is lying. She’s completely trying to bullshit me. But I have to let a little slide by, and not be the complete hard-ass she knows me to be.

I sit quietly with her next to me, I shift closer to her. The weather is chilly with a cooler than usual breeze flowing for being October in Northern California, it almost feels icy, like early snow might happen this year. I look at her wearing a grey dress that she pulls off great. She somehow reminds me of Jackie Kennedy, stoic, graceful, extremely classy. But that’s always been Sabrina. In her black leather sexy heels her legs look longer than they are. It’s strange to see her all dolled up, after years of being used to seeing her dressed casually in jeans and t-shirts.

Suddenly I realized she must be freezing without even a sweater, “Here take my jacket, you must be freezing” I say as I shrug my coat off and start to wrap it around her when she looks up at me. For a moment she looks so lost, but then it fades into an expression I don’t recognize, which catches me off guard since we have know each other forever. I put my coat on her; as I adjust the sleeves her hands graze mine and I realize that they are ice cold.  

“Jeez your hands are freezing” I say trying to rub some warmth into her hands.

“I can’t feel anything”, she says almost laughing, her eyes wide. I look at her confused, her eyes wide, filled with apprehension and worry. “I’m just numb.” She says softly her eyes leaving my gaze only to go to my hand holding hers, “I can’t seem to feel anything… nothing.” She shrugs and I let go of her hands and turn her to face me.

“Come here”, I finish buttoning up my jacket around her and tighten my arms around her. She feels so small and fragile in my arms. I know her heart is breaking, and I wish I knew how to stop it from shattering.

“Just nothing, everything’s numb,” she whispers almost as if she is terrified.“I know that isn’t good right? I mean numbness isn’t one of the stages of grief is it?”

“I don’t know honey.” I say as I tuck her head under my chin, “I think you are allowed to react whatever way you are going to react to this situation.” I say, then taking a deep breath I continue, “But I know how you are. You hold everything in until it bubbles over and everything explodes. You can’t do that this time.” She stiffens as my words simmer in her mind and she looks up at me as panic washes over her face so I start to say, “Sweetheart…”

“I can’t breathe. Nick, I… I… I can’t breathe,” she whispers as she tries to pull away from my embrace. I let her, and she stands up. I can see her trying to take deep breaths but she can’t seem to inhale.

“Hey it’s ok. I’m here, what do you need?” I ask her as I stand next to her, putting my hands on her shoulders. Her face pale, not softly tanned from being outdoors with the kids. I can see the dark circles under her eyes, from lack of sleep. But what scares me are her eyes. Her eyes blank, empty not filled with light like I know them to be.

“I… I … I don’t know.” She breathes in choppy breaths, “Tell me this is a shit dream Nick, one that I need to wake up from. I want to wake up Nick. This can’t be real… it has to be a really bad dream, because I don’t know what to do if it isn’t.” She sniffles out as her eyes start to get glassy from tears she is trying to hold in. She shakes her head, and she starts to walk off the bleachers. I stay letting her get away from me. I know she doesn’t want to talk. But I know she needs to. Everyone is worried, especially her family. Her dad had asked me if I could talk to her. I half jog to get her right before she gets to the car, and grab her arm.

“Hey” I look at her. Her arm feels tiny in my hands and she looks at me, her eyes wide and worried.

“Stop Nick, I have to get back,” her voice cracks and she is looking at the ground, anywhere really, just not at me.

“No. Sabrina look at me” I say sternly as she looks at the ground.

“We should get back. I have a lot to do Nick. Plus, the kids are probably worried that I’m not there.” She says quietly, still staring at the fucking ground.

“Sabrina.”

“Chris will be looking for me, and he has been really worried lately, we need to get back” she continues looking down, her body slightly shaking.

“Honey…”

“I need to make sure people take some food back because I can’t get stuck with all that food…”

“Damn it Sabrina! LOOK AT ME” I say a little louder than I had intended. She starts to move her face up from having been looking at the ground. Her face has a small tear rolling down it and her eyes are still glassy from more unshed tears, but she still won’t look me in the eyes. She looks up, but past me.

I look at her. Her eyes are watery and look darker and bleaker than I have ever seen them. At this moment I realize I never want to see her like this again. I don’t want her to hurt like this. I know that no matter what was going to happen, that however she was about to react was for her own good. I knew i’d be to blame for pushing her, but she needed to let go of some of her pain. I needed her to let me take some of it.

“Talk to me Sabrina.” I demand.

“I can’t Nick.” Her voice hoarse with pain, pain that I don’t  want her to feel, but I have to push her to let me in. She’d always been the type of friend who had been there for me. After my parents split up, she was the one who helped me get through it. When my grandfather passed away and I couldn’t deal with the anger, she let me take it out on her, and never once threw it back in my face.

Now it was my turn. I need to be her punching bag.

“Yeah, you can. You need to.” I say sounding more confident than I am.

“Why Nick?” She asked, her voice tired, her breathing still uneven.

“Because you can’t hold that shit in. It isn’t good. Talk to me.” I answer honestly.

“I can’t Nick.” Her voice slightly strains, almost as if she is holding things together by a thin string that is about to break.“What’s the point of me crying and breaking down? It won’t bring him back! I can’t break Nick. I have three kids I need to think about.” Her voice starts to tremble and get louder.

“What about Sean?” I ask as I keep pushing.

“What about him?” She asks, I can see a little flicker of anger in her eyes.

“What would he want?” I ask softly.

“It doesn’t matter.” She says coldly and her eyes are just as icy, as she wipes her face of the small tears that have escaped to make room for the ones in her eyes.

“Why?” I keep pushing.

“Why what Nick?” She is getting frustrated, this is good,  I just had to keep pushing.

“Why doesn’t it matter what Sean would want?” I ask calmly looking right into her eyes.

“Because he’s not coming home!” she yells, “He isn’t fucking coming home Nick!” She yells, her hands in fists by her sides, her shoulders trembling, and her eyes angry and dark, completely frustrated.

“He’s not coming home! DAMN HIM! He won’t be there to tuck the kids in at night, to sit next to me when they graduate or to take pictures of them when they are about to leave to prom or anything! He promised Nick! He promised to grow old with me!” she yells as she starts to hit me in my chest with her fisted hands, “He won’t walk Penny down the aisle, or talk to the boys about girls. He won’t be here, because he’s gone. He’s dead.” her voice fills with anger and frustration and it makes me sick that she has to go through this.

“It’s not like I can even be angry either. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but he was doing what he loved! He knew the dangers, we both did, but what were the chances huh? DAMN IT! I want to be mad at him for leaving me, but I can’t…” tears rolling down her face I hold one of her hands as she keeps talking.

“I want him back! I want him to come back, I just want him to come back to me”, her voice cracks.

She starts to sob, her body trembling. I am at a complete loss. This is why men hated being around emotional women; we are hardwired to try to figure out how to fix things, but this situation can’t be fixed. I don’t know what to do, I feel completely helpless. So I do the only thing I can do, which is to wrap my arms around her and hold her as tight as I can as she continues to yell. Her sobs are filled with pain and grief and her body shakes as the anger and pain slowly come out of her body. My heart breaks to look at her like this. She feels so small and delicate, but at the same time I know she is so strong.

For eleven long days and nights, she had held all this in, and if I hadn’t pushed she would have kept it in. I am not sure how she had done it or even why, but I know there is no way I would have been able to do that. My eyes burn with unshed tears as I hold her close, her tears soaking the front of my shirt. Sean had been my friend. Sean had been a great man, a man that had deserved the life he had created with Sabrina. He had been a wonderful dad to their kids, and you could tell what an incredible job he had done with them, just by being around them. What happened to him shouldn’t have happened. If I could have switched places with him, I would have in a second, without a second thought, all so that she would be okay, and so their kids could have their dad back. So that he could fulfill all the promises he had made to her.

It felt like a long time passed by when her tears finally slowed and she was just resting her forehead on my chest. I felt her shift, placing the side of her face on my chest, and heard small sniffles.

“I’m scared,” she says softly, only a little louder than a whisper.

“Scared of what?” I ask softly.

“The future, I feel so lost. I’m not sure how to be without him.” She says softly sounding so defeated.

“Hey look at me”, I say as I separate her from my embrace. She is still looking at the ground, so I put my finger below her chin and lift it so I can see her big dark eyes. “You are one of the strongest women I know. You are a great mom. You will get through this. He’s still here. He will always be in your heart and in theirs. Plus, you have an awesome family and pretty great friends, who are all here for you.” I tell her sincerely.

She looks at me, her eyes wide, almost as if the truth of the words I had just spoke were washing over her for the first time, she closes them taking a deep breath. When she exhales, she opens them and looks at my chest.

“Oh Nick, I am so sorry!” she says as she goes pale, her eyes wide, “I hit you! Oh God I am so sorry Nick!”

“Hey, knock it off, it’s ok”, I say as I interrupt.

“But I ruined your shirt too”, she says through her sniffles, we both look at a huge wet spot on my shirt from her tears.

“Don’t worry about it. You know when my birthday is,” I say with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

“Thanks”, she says as she leans her head back to my chest and I wrap my arms tighter around her.

I put my chin on the top of her head as I hold her close, and say, “It’s going to be ok. Everything will be ok. I promise.”  I tell her as I kiss the top of her head. We stand there for awhile. I can feel her breathing against my chest, hear her sniffling. I can tell she is regaining her composure.

She breaks the hug, and looks up at me with wide eyes and says, “Thanks again Nick. I’m sorry I cried, and ruined your shirt, I shouldn’t have lost it like that.” I can tell she is a little embarrassed.

“It’s ok. It’ll dry. Plus, that’s my job as your best friend, right?”

She smiles at me. I know that smile. It’s a “yeah sure” half hearted type smile. She starts to open the door of the car, when I grab her hand gently and say, “You know I am here for you? Like for anything. I am just a call away, right?”

“Nick you have a lot on your own plate. But I know. Thanks.” Sabrina says almost irritated.

“What?” I ask. I have known this girl too long not to know when she gets irritated.

“Nothing, let’s just go.” She says as she rubs her face.

“No. Tell me what? Why are you mad at me?”

“I’m not”, she says. Then she takes a deep breath and says, “It’s just everyone keeps telling me that, and with you, I just don’t want your pity.”

“Hey,” I say as I gently pull her closer to me, “It’s not pity. I just want to remind you that I am here. That I don’t want you to shut me out, and if you or the kids need anything I am literally a phone call and a short plane ride away.”