Crossroads (2 page)

My heart starts to race at the sound of his voice over the loud speaker.  Immediately I seek out the location of the booth and spot him as he walks out of it.  He looks good. 
I can’t believe he’s here.
  I know my eyes are bugging out of my head but I can’t stop staring.  Not only is Nick the DJ tonight but there he is, in my direct line of sight with his arms around a girl. And she’s very attractively smiling up at him.

“I’m sorry Em!” Kat yells in my ear.  “I swear he was not the DJ listed to play, you saw the posters outside the club too.”

I swipe at my eyes as angry tears form in them.  She’s right, we had both checked.  There must have been a cancellation or something, it’s the only explanation.  I stand still as a statue as I watch Nick put his arm around the girl’s shoulder and they head for the exit.

“Em.
” Kat’s pulling on my arm.  “Please look at me.”

When I can no longer see Nick
, I turn to face her.  The look on her face is a mixture of pity and pleading.

“Who’s for another drink?” I ask with false cheer.  I don’t wait for a reply from either of the girls as I hastily make my way to the bar.  I shove my way to the front
, not caring about the toes I’m stepping on or the rudeness of my approach.  I don’t care that I am cutting in line.  I yell out my order for a shot of tequila.  Before I’ve even paid, I have drunk it and ordered another.  Kat spins me back to face her.

“I’m sorry Em.  I swear I didn’t know.”

I turn away from her.  I feel the hot tears about to overflow from my eyes as I hand over my money to the bartender and swallow my second shot.  I look Kat square in the eyes.

“I want to go home.”

She knows I’m not kidding so she doesn’t argue.  She exchanges a look with April who is standing behind her and then we silently leave the club.  We stand just as silently as we wait for an available taxi.  It’s uncharacteristically cold for this time of year.  It’s November already when’s it going to warm up?  I rub my arms to keep warm as I stare out onto the road trying to rein in my feelings.  So he was at the club with a girl? 
Big deal.
  He has every right to see whoever he wants. 
And he doesn’t want me.

“I’m sorry Em
,” Kat says again.

“Stop apologising!”
I snap and then turn towards her and speak more gently, “It’s not your fault.  He wasn’t
supposed
to be working here.”

“Yeah
, I know that.  I’m still sorry you saw him though,” Kat says, looking down at her feet.

“I can’t believe he was with someone else
!  I swear he was so into you Em!” April says.  “I don’t understand how he could be dating someone else already.”  She shakes her head in disbelief.

“That’s just what he’s like.”
I shrug.  I knew Nick was never that interested in
me
.  He only wanted what he couldn’t have.  He obviously got over that.  I’m not surprised to see him dating or hooking up or whatever he was doing with that girl.  It doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

***

“Well that’s it for today then, unless anyone has anything to add?” Julia asks, looking around the board room.  “Good.” She stands up and promptly leaves.  I watch absentmindedly as everyone follows.

“Are you okay?”
I hear a gentle voice ask.  Looking up, I see it’s our new receptionist Renee.  I glance around the room and realise we are the only two left.

“Yes, I’m fine
.”  I blink at her.  I watch as she starts to stack the cups and saucers from our Wednesday morning meeting.  Standing up, I say, “Here, let me help you with those.”

“Thanks.”

We collect all the bits of crockery and dump them in the kitchen.  I start to fill the sink.

“You don’t have to do that,
” Renee says, coming up behind me with the last of the dishes.

“Force of habit.”
  The phone rings.  “You can go grab that.  I’ll do these.”

“Are you sure?  I can come back and do them.”

“It’s fine,” I smile at her, “go.”  She smiles back sweetly and then hastily walks out of the kitchen to answer the phone.

I return my attention
to the sink.  I am volunteering to do the dishes, which used to be the worst part of my job when I was the receptionist.
What is wrong with me? 
I’ve got plenty of work to do at my own desk.  But I’m not excited about it. 
Surely it’s better than doing dishes though?
  I shake my head.  My work requires concentration, dishes don’t.  I think that’s the problem.  I haven’t been able to do a lot of concentrating lately.  Ever since Seth left for Sydney and Nick left my life, I’ve had a hard time getting enthusiastic about anything.  And since seeing Nick at the club last weekend, he's about the only thing on my mind.

“So how have you been Nick?” Hailey asks as I enter through her doorway.  “Actually, you look like shit.”

“Th
anks,” I mumble as I take a seat in the armchair.

“What’s wrong?  You still obsessing over Em?”
she asks, passing me a glass of amber liquid.  I know better than to ask what it is and gulp it down immediately.  The alcohol burns my throat and I welcome the feeling.

“
Hailey, can we not talk about her?” I ask, holding the empty glass out for a refill.  Em is the last thing I want to talk about now.  It’s bad enough that I can’t stop thinking about her still, even after all this time has passed.  I definitely don’t need to talk about her anymore; I’ve done enough of that.

“You need to move on anyway, it’s been weeks.
  No longer than that-” I raise my eyebrow at her in frustration and she stops talking. 
Too long.
I’ve never even been in a relationship and yet I still feel like I’ve ended one.  There is no way I can move on, not yet.
  “Okay, okay.  So tell me more about where you plan to travel.  I love hearing about that.”

I sigh with relief knowing I can count on Hailey to keep me occupied fo
r the next couple of hours.

***

“Hey, wake up.”  I get a not-so-gentle nudge.

“What?”  I keep my eyes shut
. I don’t want to wake up. I much prefer the dreams to the reality.

“Nick you need to get up.  I’ve got to get to
uni.  Don’t you have work at lunch time or something?” I blink my eyes open and find Hailey inches above me.

“What’s the time?”
I ask groggily.

“Almost eleven
,” she replies.  “Hey, I’ve really got to go.  Can you lock up when you leave?”

“Yeah sure
,” I say slowly sitting up, my head pounding.  “Hey Hailey, thanks for last night.”

“No probs.  Anytime you want to drown your sorrow
s and crash on someone’s couch I’m ya girl.  Gotta run.  See ya!”  She slams the front door and I flinch as it hurts my head.

I note that I have a Care Bears blanket on and give out a
small chuckle.  That was nice of Hailey to tuck me in, she’s a good mate.  I don’t remember lying down or taking off my shoes either.  I wonder what time I passed out. I begrudgingly put on my shoes and remove myself from Hailey’s couch. 

I use Hailey’s toilet and then lock up to race home for a quick shower before my Friday afternoon shift at the train station.

I pull my earphones out as the train begin
s to slow.  I permanently took over Seth’s car park at G & C after he left and have been driving to work every day.  I actually miss catching the train, having that time to ‘be’, to exist and do nothing but listen to music on my iPhone and drown out everything around me.  But at the same time I couldn’t face seeing Nick.  This morning though, my car wouldn’t start, the battery died and I was left with no choice but to catch the train to work.  Luckily for me Nick doesn’t work in the mornings on Fridays.  Unluckily for me, it’s not morning anymore.

As the train pulls into the station I instantly feel tense.  I haven’t spoken to Nick in almost a month
, since the day after my birthday.  And I haven’t seen him since that night a couple of weeks ago at the club, with that girl.

I glance in the direction of the kiosk with the hope that it’s already closed.  I breathe a sigh of relief when I see that is.  I walk past it with my heart still pounding, I haven’t been here for so long now and it seems weird not to see him.  I’m almost at the steps out of the station, almost free and clear, when I hear him speak behind me.

“Well if it isn’t Emma Taylor.”  I freeze on the spot, his deep voice vibrating through me.  “Aren’t you going to say hello,
old friend
?”

His tone is icy and laced with sarcasm.  I feel the heat prickle up my back as the anger takes over.   Why does he always have such an instant
effect on me, good or bad?

“Hi Nick
,” I say, as casually as I am capable of, when I turn to face him.  Of course, he’s as gorgeous as ever, and he takes my breath away.  “How are you?”

“Oh just p
eachy,” he says, in an unfriendly tone that makes me cringe.  He scratches his perfectly stubbled chin.  “You’re looking well.” He looks me up and down, but I can tell he doesn’t really believe that.  I know for a fact I don’t look well.  My hair is dirty and I have permanent grey bags under my eyes these days. “What’s it been, like a month since I last saw you?” he asks with a false pleasantness, making it obvious that he doesn’t really want to chat. 
Maybe since you’ve seen me, but I’ve sure as hell seen you in that time.

“Yep
,” I say walking away, disheartened at the confirmation that we have lost our friendship for good.  We can’t even be civil to one another.  “Well, it’s been nice chatting with ya,” I say over my shoulder in the same icy tone he has given me.

I walk a few more steps before he groans loudly
, and then I hear his footsteps behind me.

“How are you really Em?” h
e asks, a little more pleasantly, as he falls into step beside me.

“Fine,” I answer
, as I usually do whenever anyone asks me.  I don’t look at him. I can’t bear it because I know if he sees the hollow look in my eyes he will know I’m lying.

“Good.  So Seth’s treating you well then?”

I turn my head in his direction as we continue to walk.  He’s staring ahead, not looking at me.  I haven’t spoken to Seth since I broke up with him.  Since he walked out, the same day I last saw Nick.

“No-”

“None of my business,” Nick says, cutting me off.  “I know.”

That’s not what I was going to say but I don’t correct him.  He’s right, it is none of his business,
we’re not even friends anymore.

“So you don’t catch the train anymore, why today?”

“Car trouble,” I answer with a shrug.

“Y
ou’ve been driving to work to avoid me then?  You really hate me that much?” he asks, sounding hurt.

“Nick I d
on’t hate you,” I reply quickly, astounded that he could ever think that.  His eyes shoot over my way, connecting with mine.  The warmth I am used to seeing in them is still not there.  I don’t understand it.  What gives him the right to act all hurt?  “I don’t hate you,” I repeat, barely above a whisper, before looking away.

“Good to know.”

I bow my head, finding it r
eally hard to look at her.  She’s beautiful, but she is a hollowed out shell of her former self.  She’s looking gaunt and she’s slouching.  She’s lost weight.  Why isn’t he taking care of her?  He should look after her better.

Em doesn’t hate me
.  It pleases me to hear, it doesn’t change things though.  She still chose him.  I thought she was happy with Seth but she doesn’t look happy.  What is going on with her?

“Are you
okay?  I mean, are you happy?” I ask sincerely.

“Just peachy,
” she repeats my words from earlier.  She uses the same unconvincing tone I used.  She’s being about as honest as I am, obviously.  I see her apartment complex up ahead.  I am running out of time before she leaves me again.  Who knows when I will get to speak to her next?  Yet I cannot think of anything to say.  We continue to walk in silence and before I can blink, we are coming to a stop in front of her place.

“So,” she says with a shaky breath.  “It was good to see you
, Nick.  Take care of yourself and thanks for walking me home.”

I grab her arm when she turns to walk up the path.  She stops
, gazing back at me with a resigned look on her face.  When our eyes lock I notice hers getting a little glassy.  She’s vulnerable, and I have no idea why.  I hate that there is hardly a trace of the Em I fell for left.

“I could take a look
at your car for you… if you like,” I say, when I can think of nothing else.  I don’t know a whole lot about cars, just the basics, but I do know I don’t want to say goodbye to her.  I’m clutching at straws here.

“No that’s
okay, my Dad came over while I was at work and fixed it.  It’s good to go.  Thanks anyway.”  She looks down at my hand, still holding her forearm, and I reluctantly let it go.

“Em…”
  We stand in silence once more.  I can feel her eyes on me, but I look past her, thinking of what I want to say.

“What Nick?” s
he asks, suddenly angry at me, losing her patience when I cannot find the words.  It only puts me on edge too.

“Nothing.
  Have a nice life,” I say with bite and turn to walk away. 
I can’t fix this.

“Arsehole,
” I hear her mutter under her breath.  I swing back to look at her and she cringes.  I can tell she had hoped I didn’t hear her.

“W
HAT?  Why am I the arsehole Em?  You were the one that-” I throw my hands up in frustration. “UGH!” 

She crosses her arms and juts
out her hip, infuriating me even more. Doesn’t she see what she put me through?  Doesn’t she understand what she did to me?

“I’m the one that - what, Nick?” she demands angrily.

“You kissed me and then told me never to come back!”  I yell, stepping forward and pointing at her.  She cringes at my raised voice, so I lower it, but my voice is still laced with malice, “You were the little tease that flirted with me, made me believe we were headed in a certain direction and then out of the blue turned up to a party with a fucking boyfriend!  You said you were not ready for a relationship, but then threw yourself into one with
him!
 
You!
  You did that, not me!  I’m not the arsehole here!”

She stares at me wide-eyed
as my temper boils over.

“
But that didn’t stop me from feeling this,” I motion with my hand between the two of us, “and you felt it too.  I know you did!  And yet you still chose him!”

“I didn’t choose him!”  She rushes up to me and
furiously jabs me in the chest.  “I started dating Seth because you couldn’t give me what I wanted!”

“Well
, I hope you’re happy then!  I hope you and Seth have a really nice life together.  I hope he can give you want you want!”  My voice again raises with each word.

I watch as she flinches
, then wipes her watery eyes.  She huffs and storms off, muttering under her breath.

“What was that?”
I ask, unable to make out the words as she runs off.

“S
eth and I broke up arsehole!” she screams out without looking back.

“
What?
  When?”  I feel the blood drain from my face and take off in a hurry to catch up to her.  “Em, wait!”

“Go to hell Nick!” s
he screams and runs away faster.  I stop in my tracks.

Fucking great!
  I just managed to hurt her even more.  So that’s why she looks so broken and unhappy.  The arsehole must have broken her heart!

But then
…
she just called me the arsehole didn’t she?