Creamy Bullets
Authors: Kevin Sampsell
Tags: #humor, #Creamy Bullets, #Kevin Sampsell, #Oregon, #sex, #flash fiction, #Chiasmus Press, #Future Tense, #Portland, #short stories
Creamy Bullets
FICTION
by
kevin sampsell
chiasmus press
PORTLAND
Chiasmus Press
Copyright ©2008 chiasmus press and Kevin Sampsell
All rights reserved
PRODUCED AND PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
0-9815027-3-3
978-0-98150-273-1
cover design: Pete McCracken
interior design: Matthew Warren
ebook design: The People’s Press
Praise for
Kevin Sampsell’s Previous Works:
“Not only do Kevin Sampsell’s short stories have some of the most lively opening lines I’ve read since Donald Barthelme’s; not only do they combine surreality with pathos; his stories also non-didactically offer important lessons for the attentive reader:
1.
On a first date with Satan, don’t open your mouth too wide;
2.
Don’t throw a sunflower at your girlfriend’s head;
3.
Don’t introduce your mother to the guy who’s stalking you;
4.
Lost glove collecting is a hobby that leads to melancholy and vice versa. For a strange but somehow also incredibly useful education in contemporary American life, read his work.”
—MATTHEW SHARPE,
author of
The Sleeping Father
and
Jamestown
Beautiful Blemish :
“Sampsell’s prose ranges from taut to indifferent, bearing occasional whiffs of Charles Bukowski and Richard Brautigan, as well as Chris Ware and Dan Clowes, and his stories are full of horniness and wonder, morbid speculation and strange coincidence. For readers with tastes that range outside the mainstream, this is a gem of warmhearted idiosyncrasy and oddball observation.”
—
Publishers Weekly
“Sampsell is a master of the deadpan outrageous. His best stories hit two notes at once: funny and gross, creepy and sad, pathetic yet noble.”
—
Willamette Week
“So, I’m sitting here today. Kind of putting off writing again, and I’m reading Kevin Sampsell’s new book called
Beautiful Blemish
and making all of these sounds out loud and alone. Loud laughing, but also those sort of shakes of the head where you just say, “Man…” and you sort of soak in exactly what it is Kevin Sampsell can do with words and, more amazingly, how he always seems to do it.”
—DAN KENNEDY,
author of
Rock On
and
Loser Goes First
A Common Pornography :
“Kevin Sampsell’s stories are brief incantations, uppercuts to the gut, prose poems given over to the bloodiest realms of the self. It’s all here: the emotional squalor, the sweet bite of loneliness. Make no mistake: Sampsell can write like hell.”
—STEVEN ALMOND,
author of
Not That You Asked
“Beautiful and strange.”
—
Geist Magazine
Acknowledgements:
Fresh Salmon in
Opium
Girl Drummer (originally titled Drums) on
Minima
Bubbles in
Stray Dog
and on
Sniffy Linings
You and They on
Elimae
This Old House on
Elimae
What Great Tragedies in
LIT
Stomach in
LIT
Cold Cream on
Juked
She Whispers, Nudges, Mumbles Something on
Word Riot
Where Goal Posts Go to Die on
Monkeybycicle
(one sentence stories)
Ice Cream Bars on
Sniffy Linings
Thirteen Mundane Dreams in
Mountain Man Dance Moves
(Vintage Books)
Trails in
Mitochondria
(Bullfight Media)
Don’t Eat Paper in
Quick Fiction
The Takeoff on
Pindeldyboz
Big Cheese was written for a Family Dinner event at PICA’s TBA festival in 2005 and was later published on
Pequin
Sharon Calls in
LIT
, and on
Failbetter
Not a Mermaid in
The Organ Review of Arts
, and on
Bullfight Review
Writer’s Block Theme Song in
The Penny Dreadful Review
Jailbreaker in
Eye-Rhyme
Monogamy on
5 Trope
Fur Coat in
Fish Piss
(was originally written for a Lenny Bruce tribute night)
Flying Horses in
3rd Bed
I Rest Between Them in
Yeti
Headache in
Northwest Edge III: The End of Reality
(Chiasmus Press)
Outside of This Place on
Smokebox
The Show in
2 girls review
Swimsuit Issue in
The Empty Page: Stories Inspired by Sonic Youth
(Serpent’s Tail)
Homewreckers in
Homewreckers: An Adultery Reader
(Soft Skull Press)
Krystal in J
&L Illustrated
Layover (originally titled When He Found Me) in
The Unmade Bed
(Masquerade Books)
Today’s Events on
Mud Luscious
Reunion in
Night Train
Jealousy is Policy in
Sniffy Linings 3
and on
Slouch
Close Your Eyes on
Identity Theory
and in
Barcalounge
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I would like to thank all the editors who have helped shape these stories as well as my dear friends: Stephen Kurowski, Erika Geris, Jon Raymond, Barb Klansnic, Jackie Corley, Jen Joseph, Magdalen Powers, Mike Daily, Frank D’Andrea, Elizabeth Miller, Elizabeth Ellen, Melissa Lion, Gary Lutz, Michael Murphy, Andrew Monko, and so many others that would take up too many pages.
A special thanks to Pete McCracken (for the awesome cover), Jami Attenberg, Sam Lipsyte, Davy Rothbart, all the chiasmus crew (especially Lidia and Trevor), and my son Zach, who should wait at least five more years before reading some of these stories.