Crazy Bitch (Bitches and Queens) (26 page)

Glancing up at the rearview
mirror, Hannah responded, “Kenyon, do not call your sister a butthole.” Then
glancing over at his sister, she added, “Kenna, stop pouting. We’ve already
discussed this…”
Several times,
Hannah thought to herself. “…You will
always be Sam’s sister. Nothing will change how he feels about you.”

McKenna crossed her arms
defiantly over her chest and stared out the window. “I don’t care if it does.”

When Hannah spied Kenyon roll
his eyes at McKenna, she had to hide her smile. She was thinking the same thing
herself. Oh well—at least this time around she had a little more experience
handling drama queens. McKenna had been all about the baby until she found out it
was a girl and then she wanted nothing to with it. Hannah only hoped that once
baby Abby was here, McKenna might have a change of heart. If not, hopefully Sam
could disguise his true feelings because McKenna was thoroughly convinced she
was his absolute favorite person in the world—Kate included.

With only a few moments to
spare, Hannah triumphantly arrived, but found Willow in such a horrible state that
she was ready to tear into the first nurse that came in sight. “Good God, haven’t
they given you an epidural yet?”

“I’m too far along,” Willow
groaned.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry,” Hannah
sympathized. “What can I do?”

“My back is killing me,” Willow
moaned.

She rolled to her side and
Hannah began massaging her throbbing muscles. Sam and Kate arrived a few
minutes later. Hannah’s phone started ringing. “I better take this,” she said.

Willow glanced over her
shoulder. “Seriously?” she spat.

“It will only take a minute,”
Hannah promised and then answered. “Hello darling, what’s going on? ...Oh no,
nipple rejection is very common you shouldn’t give up yet… Hmm, maybe I could
stop by later,” she paused and looked at Willow. “Actually, we better plan on
tomorrow… Yes, I know the bottle is tempting, but you really shouldn’t give in
yet. Breast milk is so much healthier for the baby… Have you tried massaging
the nipple yet?… Try that first and then warm, wet towels. That should help… Yes,
I’ll be over first thing in the morning… No, sorry darling, I really can’t come
tonight because my wife is about to deliver our first grandbaby… Oh thank you,
I’m so excited. Nana Hannah, I can’t wait. It will be fabulous… Oh hell no, the
twins are only four years old. It’s my oldest son, Sam. His wife is sickly and
can’t carry the baby.”

“I’m not sickly,” Kate gasped
with outrage. “Tell her I’m not sickly, Sam,” she demanded.

“She’s not sickly,” Sam
corrected. “She has a bum heart.”

“I do not,” Kate spat as she
elbowed him in the side. When they decided they wanted to have a child, they
consulted with the city’s best cardiologist. He had said that given Kate’s
preexisting condition, there could be risks. Of course, they hadn’t sat around
to hear any actual percentages because as soon as Sam heard that word, it was a
done deal in his mind. He had already scheduled an outpatient appointment for a
vasectomy when Hannah suggested they consider exploring a nontraditional route.
Thank God, because the argument that ensued by his utter refusal to listen to a
single thing she had to say on the subject was very nasty.

Ignoring them both, Hannah said
into the line, “See you tomorrow. Love you too.”

As soon as she hung up, Sam
grumbled, “What the hell? Didn’t you just meet that woman a few weeks ago? Why
is she saying love you?”

“Motherhood is a bonding
experience,” Hannah dismissed.

“Fine, but it is kind of a big
day for me and I would very much like to get through it without hearing my
mother talk about nipple massage again,” Sam groaned.

He hadn’t started referring to
Hannah as his mother until the twins came along. She had been very insistent
that he was their brother, and he wanted to avoid any confusion. Strangely
enough, it only sounded awkward the first couple of times, but after that it
felt completely natural. Granted they would never have a traditional
relationship, but that didn’t change what they were to each other. But hell
would freeze over before he thought of Willow as any version of his mother. For
starters, she was younger than him. He tolerated her because he had to and
because she made Hannah happy. She wasn’t a bad mother either, but some people
just rub you the wrong way. The feeling was entirely mutual.

“Why does he have that camera?”
Willow suddenly hissed at Hannah. “I told you I didn’t want
him
taking
any pictures of me.”

“Calm down,” Sam muttered. “I’m
not going to take a picture of your nasty twat.”

“Sam, be nice,” Hannah growled.
“Your daughter is coming out of it.” Leaning over, she kissed Willow’s cheek, “It’s
not nasty. I love it.”

Sam rolled his eyes at the two
of them. He knew for a fact it was nasty because Hannah had videotaped the
birth of the twins and forced him to watch it. He was so horrified that he
couldn’t dress in drag for months afterwards. If that was what being a woman
was all about, he wanted no part of it.

The obstetrician arrived a few
moments later and announced that it was time. Once Hannah, Sam, and Kate were
decked out in hospital scrubs, they met Willow in the birthing room. Hannah
stayed by her side. Kate gravitated towards the bottom of the bed, and Sam
fluttered about, snapping several candid shots.

At one point, Sam placed his
knee beside Willow’s waist and tried to nudge her over. Willow reached over and
started punching his back. “Get off this bed!” she screamed madly.

“Sam,” Kate pleaded.

“I am just trying to capture
the moment discreetly,” he shrugged defensively.  

Willow panted and groaned. She
was being such a brave trooper, and Hannah knew why. After Sam had watched the
video of the twin’s births, he had tormented her relentlessly for months. At
the time, he kept his opinions of her vagina to himself and instead teased her
about the fact that she screamed like a wild banshee at the end. Even going so
far as pointing out that she had cried louder than Kenyon.

Obviously, Willow had some
reservations about allowing him in the room while she birthed his daughter, but
Sam promised to be on his best behavior. So far, with only a few minor
slip-ups, he was doing just that. Hannah was bursting with pride for both her
babies.

 At the moment, he was nowhere
to be seen. Leaning forward, she spotted his dark hair down by the doctor’s
feet. Seizing the moment, she kissed Willow’s cheek. “Baby, you are doing so
fabulous. I’m so proud of you, but you need to just do it. Just let it rip.”

“No,” Willow moaned. “Not…when…
he…is…here.”

“Willow, the baby is crowning.
One good push and she will be out of there,” the doctor said encouragingly.

“You can do this,” Hannah
coaxed.

Struggling to sit up, Willow
leaned heavily against Hannah, and then pushed with all her might. The curse
words that escaped from between her lips could have sponsored at least half a
dozen mission trips had Pastor Mark been around to hear them. Hannah’s wild
laughter only faded once she heard the cries of a brand-new princess, who was
demanding to be heard over the wild ruckus.

While Sam and Kate were busy
falling in love with their daughter, Hannah stayed by Willow. “You were
amazing,” she said as she stroked her face with a cool towel.

“Women deliver babies every
day.”

“But none of them do it as
beautifully as you,” Hannah insisted.

Hannah hung back for several minutes,
giving the new parents some alone time with their baby. After little Abigail
Montgomery was clean, diapered, and properly swaddled, they took her out to the
waiting room to introduce her to Kate’s side of the family.

Hannah knew that as the
out-of-town-grandparents, this bonding time was very special for Jane and Bob.
She also knew that once they returned to Dallas, she would have to reorganize
the nursery. Jane really did have the sweetest intentions, although her style
could use some updating. Some people were born fabulous—some were not. Besides,
it really didn’t matter what you were born with—only that you make the best of
what you got.

Once Willow was settled and
resting, Hannah left her to find the twins. They were snuggled beside their
older brother. Sam was explaining to them both, “Since you are now officially
an uncle and aunt, I decided you both deserve something special. Here you go, Kenyon.”

Kenyon, who didn’t know how to
read, recognized the logo printed on the pair of tickets.

“Those are for the Cowboys
season-opener,” Sam said.

“Thanks, Sam.”

“And me?” McKenna demanded as
she placed her small hands on Sam’s face to tilt his head in her direction. “What
did you get me?”

“Here, I’ll let you open it,”
Sam answered and handed package wrapped in pink foil paper.

“It’s beautiful!” McKenna
exclaimed.

Hannah took one look at the diamond
tiara and her lips puckered to a frown. “You shouldn’t have, Sam,” she groaned.
“Really.”

“But Mommy, the other one was
cheap,” McKenna pouted as she placed it on her head. “Now I look like a real
princess.”

“Yes you do, but you’re only
allowed to wear it on special occasions,” Hannah conceded. “Now come on, you
two. Let’s go see Mommy Willow.” With one twin propped on each hip, Hannah
cautioned as she entered her room, “Remember to be gentle. Mommy Willow just
squeezed a nine-pound baby out of her vagina.”

Later that evening, after the
twins had gone to sleep, Hannah sat alone in the bedroom just thinking how
quiet it felt, when her phone started ringing.

“Hello,” she answered.

“Hannah, I don’t know what to
do,” Sam said frantically over the sound of a screaming baby. “Kate went
downstairs to see her parents out, and Abby started crying. It’s been going on
forever,” he paused to look at the time on his phone. “Seven minutes now and
she won’t stop. I’ve tried everything. I don’t want to send her back to the
nursery on the first night. They might think I’m incompetent and not give her
back.”

“Did you check her diaper?”

“Checked.”

“Is she hungry?”

“She didn’t want the bottle,
and please don’t start in about nipple rejection.”

“Is she swaddled?”

“Yes, she is swaddled up tight
like a little green bean,” he groaned. “Abby, you need to stop crying. You
would look adorable right now, but your face is beet red.”

Hannah chuckled into the line. “Try
telling her a story.”

“What story?”

“It doesn’t matter. Just keep
talking until she stops crying,” Hannah said.

A few minutes later, Kate
returned. Every time she thought she couldn’t possibly love him anymore, Sam
always did something that melted her heart like butter. The sight of him
rocking their daughter, who was sleeping so contented in his arms and making
cute little sucking sounds with her mouth, almost brought tears to her eyes.
Then she heard the story he was telling her.

“The beautiful swan soared
through the sky and then she shit on all the ugly little ducks that had been so
mean to her. The End.”

“That isn’t how the story
ended,” Kate muttered softly, so not to wake up Abby.

“It does in my world,” Sam said
smugly as he laid Abby down in the crib. He then held his fists up
victoriously. “I am rocking this daddy business. Oh hey, guess what I found?”

“What?”

“An extra pair of scrubs.”

“Why?” Kate asked.

Sam walked over to her. Placing
his hands around her waist, he pulled her close. “I was thinking, when we get
home of course, that you could be naughty nurse Kate and I could be Dr. Sam. Or
if you don’t fancy that, I could be naughty nurse Sam and you could be Dr.
Kate. It doesn’t make a different to me.”

And to think, Kate had actually
worried that fatherhood might make him lose some of his kink. A dad not even
twelve hours, and he was already planning their next escapade.

“Or we could both be naughty
nurses,” Kate offered.

“Oh, that’s even better,” Sam
said wickedly before he leaned down to steal her lips.

Just thinking that her baby had
his own baby made Hannah feel old. It seemed like only yesterday they were nine
years old. How the time goes. Of course, most of her melancholy was caused by
the fact that she was flying solo tonight. She always did so much better when
Willow was close-by. Well—at least there was one person she could call.

A tired voice answered after two
rings, “Hey.”

“How are you doing?” Hannah
asked.

“I feel lonely,” the woman
answered.

Hannah glanced over at Willow’s
empty side of the bed. “Me too. You should come over and play.”

A husky voice giggled into the line,
causing Hannah’s nerve endings to prickle with delight. “Well, I did just
squeeze a nine-pound baby out of my vagina today. Even if they did let me
leave, I wouldn’t be able to play.”