Craving Constellations (11 page)

“Well, let’s be honest here. If that’s the worst thing she remembers from Tony, we’re good.” I was trying to reassure him, but I noticed immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.

The tension in the room amped up considerably, and it was emanating from Dragon. He was wearing the same look I had seen during the confrontation in the yard—complete and utter fury. My heart started pounding in my ears as I waited for the blowup.

When he spoke, his voice was so low it was almost a whisper. “You better explain that, Brenna. Right fuckin’ now. Seems like tonight is the night for explanations.”

I swallowed hard and curled into myself even more. “You know he had a heavy hand—”

“Trix around when he did that shit?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “Not always but enough. She knew to get safe when he started, so she only saw the beginning most of the time. I tried to keep her away from it. I knew she shouldn’t see it, but sometimes, I didn’t have time to prepare,” I continued, desperately trying to explain myself, speaking faster and faster until my words were tumbling over each other. “Sometimes, he didn’t give me time to get her out of the room. She knew to leave once it started and to stay out of his way. I just didn’t have any warning! There was no reason for it. Sometimes, he just came home and started in. Other times, it would be the middle of the day or at night after dinner. There weren’t any signs. He wouldn’t even seem angry!”

“Our daughter had to learn how to
hide
?” he questioned, throwing his arms up in the air for emphasis.

I instinctively jerked back into the couch, wrapping my arms around my head. I couldn’t help it. I started sobbing. My chest started to ache with all of the pressure that had been building since I’d come back to the compound. I knew it was my fault our daughter had such horrendous memories. I’d stayed there, waiting it out, thinking Trix would forget as soon as we could leave. I’d thought it wouldn’t be forever, and we could manage until I figured something else out. I’d put our daughter in danger because I didn’t know where I would go if we left. I deserved Dragon’s anger, but I didn’t know if I could handle it. I was already on the edge of becoming useless. How much could a person take before she completely fell apart?

I was so ashamed that I had cowered like some weakling. Where was my backbone? I wasn’t afraid of Dragon. What the hell was wrong with me? Once I’d started crying, it was like everything hit me head-on—the fear for Trix, the stress of our escape, the relief of feeling safe for the first time in five years, and the fear of Tony when he’d come to the compound. It all left me overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.

“Baby?” he questioned, his voice soft in a way I hadn’t heard in five years. “Baby? What the fuck? I’m not gonna hit you.”

He ran his hands up and down my legs, waiting for me to look at him. When I didn’t raise my head, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my still curled-up body into his lap. I couldn’t get the tears under control, and I was embarrassed that he was seeing me like this.

“Hey, calm it down,” he whispered as he rubbed my back in slow circles. “You’re safe. That fucker’s never gonna lay another hand on ya.”

At his words, I took a shuddering breath, wrapped my arms around his waist, and pressed my forehead and eyes into his throat. He felt so good—big and strong and safe. I didn’t ever want to climb out of his lap again, and he seemed to agree. When I pulled my legs down into a more comfortable position, his arms tightened around my back in warning.

“Stay where you are. Just ’cause you turned into a sobbing mess, don’t mean you get to escape again.”

I could hear the smile in his voice.

“You’re such a jackass.” I giggled a little in response. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I usually don’t burst into tears at the slightest provocation.”

“Eh, you’ve had a rough month. Don’t worry about it.” He started rubbing my back again. “We gotta figure this shit out though, Brenna. I’m still so pissed at you for keeping her from me. That’s so fucked.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I’m sorry for not telling you who I was. At first, I was going to, and then I was just so afraid you would stop if you knew. I figured, what was one night? And then, it all changed. You were different than I thought. I wanted more, but I knew I’d fucked-up, and if I said anything, my pop was going to kill you—”

“That shit’s water under the bridge. It’s over. Was I pissed? Yeah. But it’s over.” His hand gripped my hip as he spoke, and when he was finished, he started rubbing my back again. “I wanna know about Trix and how you ended up with that douche bag.”

“I met Tony in college. We dated a bit, but I was busy during my senior year, and we sort of just stopped seeing each other. We weren’t together when I met you, just to be clear.” I looked up at him, and he nodded. “I thought he was hot, but there was no spark, you know? It was all sort of boring. When I got back to school, things were really busy for a while, and Tony was calling nonstop, wanting to see me. I had other shit to do, so I blew him off all the time. But then, when I realized our fun had some consequences, I needed a friend, so I called him up.”

Dragon’s body went completely still. “And he just welcomed you with open arms even though you fucked someone else and were carrying another man’s kid?”

“I wasn’t sure how he would react at first, but yeah, he just sort of stepped right in. I was thankful, you know? That he would step up like that. I was a mess. I missed you, I missed my pop, and I didn’t know what the hell to do. If I should come back or not? When he asked me to marry him, it just seemed like the easiest choice.”

At my last sentence, Dragon dropped his arms, leaned away from me, and pressed against the couch. “Why the fuck didn’t you come to me, Brenna? I woulda taken care of you! What the fuck? You just forget about me? Just decide to pretend you didn’t fuck me any way you could get me?”

Since he wasn’t holding me, I stood up and took a step away. “I don’t want this life! I don’t want to deal with club whores and my man going out on runs and being in danger all the time. I don’t want to visit you in prison. I don’t want Trix to have this life!”

“Ah, so you just decided you’re too good for this life. I get it. Too good for me, too good for your pop, too good for Slider and Vera. So, instead, you marry some fuckin’ psychopath. Fuckin’ smart move, Brenna. Genius.” His voice had risen, and he was standing so that we were only a couple inches apart. “Tell me, what makes you think you’re so much fuckin’ better than us because it sure as shit isn’t your fuckin’ common sense!”

“I don’t think I’m better than you! My pop is a good man, no matter what he does for a living, and Slider and Vera love me. I’m not better than them!”

“Oh, so it’s just me then?” Dragon started to chuckle low and mean as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You know what your dad did in Ireland? Why he just up and moved here?”

“No. We don’t talk about it, but obviously, you have something to say.” I folded my arms across my chest. This was going nowhere, and he had taken everything completely out of context.

“Your Pop? You know the ‘good man’ you were talkin’ about? He was known as the Butcher of Dublin. A fuckin’ hit man.”

I was shaking my head. “What are you talking about?” I couldn’t even wrap my head around what he’d just said, but he was still talking.

“Your dad was a hit man, Brenna. He killed people for money. He was deep in one of the clubs over there, and when things got too hot, he came out here and hooked up with Slider’s pop.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

I couldn’t understand why he would bring this up now. I’d always known that my pop had a past. It wasn’t something that was hidden; we just didn’t talk about it. This explained so many things in my childhood, and I was going to talk to Pop about it soon, but seriously, why was he bringing it up?

“You run and take my baby with you, but it’s not because of your pop who was a fuckin’ hit man. And it’s not because of the club. What the fuck is it, Brenna? You’re too good for me? Didn’t want your baby growing up with a grease monkey for a Daddy? Got a problem with the color of my skin?” He was raising his voice now and was glowering down at me.

“N-no,” I stuttered. I was totally shocked that he thought I saw him that way, and I couldn’t get the words out to interrupt him.

“You were good, but I’ve had better. Those little noises you make? Damn. But that timid act you did? Not gonna lie. That shit was annoying. You almost made up for it with that sweet fuckin’ pussy you’ve got, but now that that fucker has been in that shit? I doubt it’s sweet anymore—”

He was on a roll, but I was fucking done, so I cut him off by slapping him across his face. My chest felt like it was breaking open, and I couldn’t pull enough air into my lungs. The best night of my life had been one of many mediocre ones for him. One of many—that was what I was. This was why I’d left. He wanted to know why I didn’t look back for five years? Then, I’d tell him, and he could choke on it.

“You want to know why I left?” My voice was wobbling, and I worked hard to control it. “I left because I was crazy about you, and I didn’t want to watch you fuck around. I left because I never wanted to hear that garbage you just spewed all over me.”

He raised his eyebrows at me in surprise.

“I left because I never wanted to watch you get hurt. I never wanted to visit you in prison. I never wanted to have you come home, smelling like a chick I saw at the club.”

He started to interrupt, and I raised my hand to stop him.

“I was crazy about you, and you
never
said anything beyond that night. You never gave any indication you wanted more than that. I wasn’t going to come back and have you tuck me away in some house while you did whatever the fuck you wanted. I didn’t want you to hurt me.” I chuckled humorlessly and wiped the few tears that had made their way down my face. “But I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it? You’ve got a wife, and I’m stuck here. I left you and stayed away because I would rather be beaten to a pulp by Tony again than have you look at me and talk to me the way you just did, like I was nothing but an
annoyance
.”

“Brenna—” His voice rang with remorse. He looked like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him. He looked sorry.

But I was done. “I’m going to bed. Lock up when you leave.” I headed toward my room and Trix. I just wanted this day to be over with. I was exhausted and upset, and I just needed to hold my girl for a while.

I got dressed quickly in shorts and a T-shirt and climbed under the covers with Trix, wrapping my arms around her. I tried to hear if Dragon had left, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and check. If he’d left, he would make sure everything was locked up tightly. I was almost asleep when I heard someone in the hallway, and I looked up as he walked into the room. He walked around the bed, and I had to twist my body in order to keep him in my sight.

“Stayin’ here tonight.” He grabbed his shirt by the back of the neck and pulled it off, giving me a glimpse of his broad tattoo-covered chest in the moonlight.

I was too tired to argue or wake Trix up. Honestly, part of me was kind of glad that Trix and I weren’t alone. I decided to just give up and deal with things in the morning. When I heard his jeans hit the floor and felt him slide in beside me, my body tensed. He spooned my back and wrapped his arms around Trix and me, pulling us in close. I tried to stay rigid, but the warmth against my back had me relaxing all too soon.

As soon as he felt me relax against him, he whispered in my ear, “Lied. Best I’ve ever had.” Then, he kissed my temple.

I eventually heard his breathing even out and felt his body go heavy.

The man had a wife. I knew this. I’d met her, but it didn’t seem to matter. He was lying with his arms wrapped so close around me, snoring softly, and I couldn’t help but feel glad that he was there. I was so confused. I had been running for so long that I didn’t know what to do with myself now. Did I want to stop running? I hadn’t felt so secure or at home in five years, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be an old lady. I had the same fears that had plagued me five years ago when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know if raising Trix here was what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t take her away from Dragon now. Did he expect what he’d said to me to just change everything? That we’d start where we had left off the last time I saw him?

My mind was racing. In my head, I reminded myself that he was taken, but I couldn’t get over the feeling that he had always been mine.

It was hours before I fell asleep.