Could I Have This Dance? (66 page)
Read Could I Have This Dance? Online
Authors: Harry Kraus
“Everything,” Claire repeated.
“Knowing you carry the gene for a deadly disease can empower you or crush you.” The genetics counselor folded her arms across her lap. “In many ways, what happens is up to you.”
Claire nodded. That’s what she loved about Virginia Byrd. She never held back. She cut through the fog straight to what mattered.
You would make a good surgeon.
Today was to be her last scheduled session with Ginny, a closure encounter to see how Claire was dealing with the new information that she carried the Huntington’s disease gene. Ginny seemed a transplant from the sixties. Gray-streaked blonde hair pulled into a long braid, an African-beaded necklace, and a long denim skirt graced her almost-five-foot frame with a charm that warmed her to Claire from the start. She tapped a legal pad with a pencil before storing it back in her hair at the base of the braid. “How has knowing affected your relationships?”
Claire felt heat rise in her cheeks. “I’m engaged now.”
Ginny leaned forward and took Claire’s hands. “I heard. So it’s no rumor?”
“John didn’t want to ask me until he knew the results of the test. That way I wouldn’t think he’d asked me before, only wanting me if I wasn’t a carrier for HD.”
Ginny beamed. “I like his style.” She pulled her hands away.
Claire thought back to her early morning conversation with Della. “I’m struggling to be upbeat. I want to use my gene status as a reminder to live each day to the full,” she said. “John and I may not have a long lifetime together, so we have promised to not let a dread of the future spoil today as well.” She looked down, afraid of betraying her feelings.
Okay, so I believe it in my head, but what about my heart?
“Good for you.” Ginny smiled. “If there is anyone I know that deserves a little taste of happiness, it’s you.”
Claire attempted a smile. “We’re already planning the wedding.” She shook her head. “There is so much to do.” She lifted her hand to count off her fingers. “A florist, photographer, caterer …”
“A church, a vocalist,” Ginny added.
“A hair stylist, a manicure …”
“A videographer, invitations.” The duo ended their list together and laughed.
They sat together for a moment as comfortable in silence as they were with shared laughter. “That’s good. Everything’s great,” Ginny said.
Claire nodded, wanting to believe it. “Yes.”
“You don’t believe it.”
“Am I that transparent?”
“Let’s call it translucent. You’re pretty good at putting on a happy face.”
“Maybe I’m a little scared of commitment.”
Ginny shook her head. “Maybe you’re afraid of letting someone else take care of you.”
“John doesn’t need to suffer too.”
“Maybe you don’t realize that trusting your life to him may mean humbling yourself to let him care for you.”
Claire frowned. “He loves me like I am. What if he doesn’t love me when I look like my father?”
“Sometimes love finds its sweetest expression in illness.”
It sounded like a platitude. Claire didn’t want to argue, so she forced herself to smile. A happy face. “Sure.”
“So what about Wally?”
Claire’s smile melted. Leave it to Ginny to launch another probe. “Daddy?” She shifted in her seat. “He’s getting so thin.”
“I want to know about your feelings. How has knowing he passed the gene to you changed your relationship?”
Claire took a deep breath. Ginny’s pick-a-scab approach to counseling was effective and painful. “HD seemed to settle a lot of issues for me in terms of relating better to Daddy. Once I knew about HD, I was able to forgive him for his erratic behavior.” She paused. “I was able to put some of the hurt behind us.” She dabbed the corner of her eyes. “He tells me he loves me now.”
“But?”
Claire didn’t want to uncover this scab. She pressed her eyelids with the fingers of her right hand. She opened her eyes and raised her head. “How do you know there is a
but?”
“There always is with HD.”
A tear escaped the corner of her eyes. Her voice cracked as she spoke. “For the longest time, I was able to be so positive, even around Daddy. I suppose down inside I always held out the hope that I’d be negative, so I didn’t let it get to me.”
“And now?”
Claire paused. There was no polite pretending with Ginny. “I hate seeing him now. As long as I am at work, or busy with John, or planning the wedding, I’m okay. HD is in the background somewhere, but I’m not thinking about it.” She shook her head. “But when I’m with Wally, all I see is so horrible. He can hardly speak a clear word anymore. His head, arms, and legs are constantly banging against the padded bedrails. It’s like a cruel glimpse into the future.”
“So what do you do?”
“Avoid going very often.”
“Are you angry?”
“At my dad?” Claire thought for a moment. “It’s not his fault. He didn’t even know he had a disease to pass along.”
“So where’s the anger coming from?”
“Who says I’m angry?”
“You’re clenching your fist. You started when you mentioned your father.”
Claire looked at her right hand and uncurled her whitened knuckles.
“I’m not judging you for being human, Claire. Anger is often a normal response to finding out about HD.” She shrugged. “You blame the parent who passed it on to you. You blame God.”
Claire nodded. “So what do I do?”
“Do?” She leaned forward. “You’re such a doctor. You want to fix everything.”
Claire held up her hands. Surrender.
“This isn’t something you fix.”
“I sleep with a loaded gun by my bed.” She decided not to mention the three locks on her bedroom door and the pepper spray. She looked into Ginny’s face. “My mom says I’m trying to protect myself against the future.”
Ginny leaned back and crossed her legs. “Is she right?”
Just like a counselor. Answer a question with a question.
“I have nightmares about the rape attempt,” she said, shrugging.
Ginny nodded and didn’t speak.
“Okay, maybe she’s right. I know no one’s after me, so maybe my fears represent something else.”
“You’re good at looking strong, Claire. In fact, I think you’re a very strong woman.”
“But.”
“But you’re human. Women who’ve been victims of sexual assault often benefit from talking things out.”
“Two against one. No fair.”
Ginny looked puzzled.
Claire explained, “My mother said the same thing. I don’t suppose you do that kind of counseling too?”
“Outside my league, kiddo. I can make a referral if you’d like.”
She sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
Ginny pulled the yellow pencil from its resting place. From Claire’s angle, it looked like she pulled it straight out of her brain. The effect was chilling.
The counselor tapped the pencil against her lap. “Wally is dying.” She paused, perhaps to be sure the words had a chance to penetrate. “Now begins the final chapter in your relationship to your father. Avoiding him now is losing something you’ll never regain.”
“Maybe you don’t get it. Wally can’t walk anymore. He can barely swallow. His arms and legs swim over the sheets like a drowning man. He can’t get to the bathroom, so he pees in his diaper. The constant movements keep him in a stinky sweat. I get nauseated just going in the room.” She hesitated, locking her eyes on Ginny’s. “And all I can see is me in his place.”
“I know, Claire. It must be horrible.”
“It’s worse than that. I hope somebody puts me out of my misery long before I look like my father.”
Ginny nodded with understanding and spent a moment with her hands folded in her lap before speaking. “May I make a suggestion?”
Claire tilted her head. “Find a silver lining.”
“Am I that predictable?” Ginny laughed.
She grinned. “Maybe.”
“Tap some of that Claire McCall optimism. Make every visit with your father a reminder to live today to the fullest, not an excuse to dread the future.”
The thought resonated with her. She wanted to do that, longed to do it, in fact. She and her father had been too far down a healing road to let her own fear spoil her final months with Wally.
She looked up at Ginny. “It’s a plan.”
Claire hugged her counselor and walked down the hall wondering how all the talk was supposed to equip her for the future.
I’m engaged to marry John Cerelli. I should be delirious with joy. So why do I doubt I’ll ever walk the aisle for him?
Could I Have This Dance?
Copyright © 2002 by Harry L. Kraus
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EPub Edition © FEBRUARY 2011 ISBN: 978-0-310-86151-5
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan,
Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kraus, Harry Lee, 1960-.
Could I have this dance? / by Harry Lee Kraus.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-10: 0-310-24089-1 (Softcover)
ISBN-13: 978-0-310-24089-1 (Softcover)
1. Women physicians — Fiction. 2. Interns (Medicine)–Fiction. 3. Huntington’s chorea-Fiction. 4. Fathers and daughters-Fiction. 5. Virginia-Fiction. I. Title. PS3561.R2875
C68 2001
813’.54-dc21 2001006891
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