CORAL (A Romance Trilogy, Book 1) (29 page)

“Fine,” I say wanting to get off
the subject. “I’ll consider it.” I add rolling my eyes.

“Good,” George says. “Now, how
did your evening go with Gladys?”

“Fine,” I answer.

“That’s a lot of fines,” George
scolds. “Elaborate please, Coral.”

“There’s not really much to say.
Gladys is happy, Malcolm is nice, really nice actually’ – I scowl at the floor
– ‘they’re getting married on my birthday.”

George raises his eyebrows. “And
how do you feel about that?” he asks.

“Quite honestly, I don’t care.
It’s the middle of the week. They just want a small do and that’s the date the
Hilton can get them in.” George nods as he listens to me. “You know, I’ve
thought about a lot of things this week. And as far as Gladys is concerned, it
was going to happen someday, right? And I guess I’m trying to do what you tell
me to do. To be less afraid of change, to understand that I can't control
everything, and as sad as I am that both Joyce and Gladys are leaving, there’s
not much I can do about it, so I’m rolling with the punches.”

“I’m very glad to hear you say
that Coral, that’s a very positive reaction.” George smiles warmly at me. “And
like it or not, I think deep down, way down there in your subconscious you’re
not feeling so afraid because you already have someone else to lean on, someone
you know you can depend on.”

I frown back at him. “I know I
have that, I have Rob.” I state.

George shakes his head at me. “I
wasn’t talking about Rob, I was talking about Tristan.”

“Tristan. Is. My. Boss.” I hiss
enunciating each word –
Honestly, can’t he get that?

“That maybe so, but I think you’d
better start letting your real feelings for him come to the surface Coral.”

“What real feelings?” I question,
laughing sarcastically at him. He cocks his head to the side, folds his hands
in his lap and waits patiently for me -
Argh!
I stand up and start pacing
the room.

“Coral, please sit back down.” I
cross my arms in a huff, and sit back down on the sofa.

“What I am trying to say to you
is that you wouldn’t be having the type of dream that you had, unless you are
fighting how you truly feel for him. So if I was to ask you to be brutally
honest with yourself and say it out loud’ – “I can’t,” I shout, interrupting
George. “It doesn’t matter how much I like him. It doesn’t matter that I have dreamt
about him. It doesn’t matter that he’s the best man I’ve ever met in my entire
life. I’m not good for him!” I yell, thumping my fist on the sofa and choking
back the tears that have thickened my throat.

“Yes you are,” George says in his
quiet, calming voice.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I feel guilty
for shouting at him. “Sorry.” I whisper.

“No need.” He says.

I sigh again and open my eyes.
“George,” I say softly. “He’s a good man who deserves a happy, healthy,
emotionally balanced woman by his side. You know what I’m like, I self-destruct
everything...”

“That’s your fears talking.”
George retorts.

“I know it’s my fears,” I bark
back, gritting my teeth.

“Coral, I really want you to
answer the question. How do you feel about him?”

“I love him!” I shout. “Is that
what you wanted to hear? I’m already in love with him and I’ve only spent a few
hours with him and I…” I stop myself there. “It’s best left alone,” I snap.

“Good, well done Coral.” George
praises.

“How is that good?” I mumble.

“It’s good because once you open
yourself up to the possibility of a relationship with him, your subconscious
will start to work in your favour. You want him, you love him, but your fears
are holding you back.”

I shake my head in wonder. “Why
would he want me?” I snap. “I’m nothing, a broken empty vessel. I have nothing
to offer him. How can he want someone who doesn’t love themselves, it makes no
sense at all. Why the hell would he want this?” I spit, gesturing to all of me.

“Coral!” George gasps. “I thought
we had made progress in this area? Do you still feel like that? Are you still suffering
with self-abhorrence issues?” George looks horrified.

I squeeze my eyes shut. “Yes…no,”
I take a deep breath. “He’ll leave me,” I whimper. “I know he will.”

“You can't know that,” George
argues. “And there’s no guarantee in any relationship Coral. They take work,
love, openness and commitment, and even then it’s not set in stone. When a
person enters into a relationship they do so with a factor of risk. They could
be very happy, yet their partner leaves them or vice-versa, nothing is
guaranteed in this life, and nobody can say for sure that they will be together
until the day they die.” He softly says.

I swipe at the angry tears that
have started to fall down my cheeks, one after the other.

“Coral, I need you to be honest
with me. Are you still in the place you were when we started your sessions? Do
you really feel that way about yourself? Have we made no progress at all?”

I sniff loudly and shake my head
at him. “I am a little better George, which has only been possible with your
help. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know me, I know what I’m like. The
closer I get to him, the more I’ll start pulling away....” I shake my head and
grit my teeth. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I whisper.

George is frantically writing
again. “So what you’re saying is this isn’t about self-abhorrence, it’s about
your worth and your fears of him leaving, like your father did?”

I look up at George with wide,
tear stained eyes and slowly nod. “Darling girl, you have to start to
understand that a relationship with a lover is very different to a parent. If
you dated Tristan and he decided it wasn’t working for him; he won’t just
disappear like your father did, it doesn’t work that way. And you are worthy.”
He adds.

I sob into my hands –
This is
too heavy, I can’t do this.

“Coral, I suggested talking with
Tristan. I’m going to set that as part of your therapy. Like it or not, I want
you to start opening up to him. I’m not asking you to tell him everything, just
a little bit at a time. Maybe start with your fears, your fears of him leaving,
the fear of self-destructing the relationship. When one is armed with
information, it is so much easier to look at it from a solution base rather
than a preventative base.”

“You’re setting me an
assignment?” I gasp in anger; my tears come to an abrupt stop.

“Yes,” he answers firmly.

“No,” I bite back shaking my head
in disapproval –
I can’t do that.

“Coral, I can only help you so
far. And quite frankly, I think you need the push, especially in this
direction.”

“I won’t do it,” I sulk, crossing
my arms in defiance.

“Then you leave me no choice but
to halt out sessions for now.” I glare back at him.

“Well that’s just great,” I snap
in exasperation.

“One step at a time Coral,” he
reiterates.

“Fine,” I snap back. “I’ll try
telling him...something,” I blurt, my hand flying in the air.

“Good, now our agreement.” He
says calmly, watching my reaction. I close my eyes and squeeze my hand into
fists. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
I have no choice now, I have
to tell him.

Swallowing three times, I hear
the words come out of my mouth. “I was raped,” I whisper. I hear George gasp,
and because I’m worried about his reprimand; I keep my eyes closed.

“When?” He whispers.

“Two years ago,” I answer my
voice flat. It doesn’t sound like me.

“But...but that’s how long you’ve
been seeing me?” He says disbelievingly.

“Yes,” I whisper. “That’s why I
initially started seeing you, but every time I got close to telling you, I
chickened out.” I keep my eyes closed, for some unexplainable reason it’s
helping to keep me calm; and stopping me from imploding. I hear George stand,
seconds later I feel the sofa sag next to me as he sits down, he takes one of
my hands in his.

“Darling girl,” he softly says,
gently squeezing my hand. “You said on Tuesday you made a mistake?” he says
bleakly.

I nod my head and finally open my
eyes, then turn and meet George’s shocked expression. “I know I should have
told you...before, I’m sorry.” I croak.

“Being raped isn’t a mistake
Coral.” He softly says. I sniff loudly and swipe at the silent tears –
Fucking
tears they’re pissing me off now!

“It was for me. I was stupid, I
never should have…” I cringe as I recall that fateful night.

“No sweetheart, that’s not how it
works. I take it you said no, rejected him in some way?” I nod silently. “Then
you didn’t make a mistake, he forced himself on you.” George takes a deep
breath in, slowly blows it out and continues. “Did you report it?” He softly
asks.

I close my eyes and silently
shake my head. I hear him gasp. “Why ever not?” he says in disbelief.

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter,
remembering why. “Because he scared the life out of me George, I thought, well,
I was worried that he knew where I lived, and to be quite honest I’ve never
seen a pair of eyes with such malicious intent. What happened to me as a kid
was bad enough,
his
eyes were pretty terrifying, but this guy, maybe
because I’m an adult now, I don’t know…he told me he’d kill me,” I whimper.
“George I was so scared.” I choke back the tears, my hands balling into fists,
makes me so fucking angry thinking about it.

“Give me a moment.” George softly
says and leaves the room. A minute later he’s back at my side, I open my eyes
and he hands me a large glass of amber liquid. “Courvoisier,” he explains.

I take a sip and swallow, feeling
it warm my insides as it smoothly makes its way down to my stomach. I take
another sip, then decide to take a gulp which I know you shouldn’t do with
Brandy, but I know George is going to want details and I think it’s going to
help me get it all out; it really burns as it trickles down.

“Want to tell me about it?” He
softly asks.

“Not really,” I choke, even
though I know I should.

“I understand,” George coos.

I turn and look at him, he looks
really shaken. “Are you ok?” I croak.

“No,” he answers sternly. “I’m
not.”

“Oh George, I’m sorry I didn’t
tell you’ – “I’m not upset with you Coral, I’m upset with myself…” He stares
blankly ahead, deep in thought.

“Don’t,” I whisper. “I’m very
good at hiding things George; don’t punish yourself for not seeing this.”

His eyes dart up to meet mine.
“But I should have seen,” he chastises. “I’m a therapist, I’ve dealt with so
many women who’ve been raped. I’ve always know, seen it before they’ve admitted
it…but with you…” He drifts off again, rubbing his fingers across his forehead.

“Please George, I don’t think you
realise how accomplished I am at keeping my emotions at bay. I always have my
game face on, my mask, as I call it. I’m very good at pretending everything is
ok, when it’s not. Remember how long it took you to get me talking about my
childhood?” He slowly nods his head. “It’s like keeping it in my head, doesn’t
make it real, saying it out loud does.” Amazingly I start to smile. “Just like
you getting me to admit how I really feel about Tristan, I know things will be
different now, so please George, don’t feel bad.” I plead, squeezing his hand
back.

Then I have a moment of clarity.
If I tell George what happened, he might be able to help me and the nightmares
might stop? And in all honesty I’m tired of being scared about it.

“I have nightmares about it,” I
whisper.

George squeezes my hand. “I’m
sure you do,” he whispers back.

“Last one was on Tuesday night.
When you worked out that I was holding something back, and you said I had to
tell you about it. I felt so fearful, so vulnerable that it came to me again, I
woke up in such a state; it makes me feel so dirty, and every time I wake up
from it I throw up, I don’t know how much more my stomach can take. And I cried
George, for the first time in twenty-five years, I cried. It felt very
cathartic, like you said it’s a release, but I still feel like I shouldn’t cry,
that it’s a sign of weakness, but I did, I let it all out.” My eyes fill with
unshed tears again. I chuckle at myself. George smiles softly at me and
squeezes my hand. He’s so good with me, so patient.

“It happened about a month before
I bought the studio. As you know Gladys and I had been looking for studios for
a while, but nothing was coming up that I really liked. I was feeling really
melancholy, the very thought of still being with Gladys when I hit thirty was
depressing me, I was feeling so miserable that I was never going to find
anything, and I was still hurting about Justin. I had no friends, no social
life and to make matter worse, Gladys had gone away for the weekend. One the
one hand I loved having the house to myself, but on the other, I was lonely, I
felt empty, scared, and vulnerable. So, to try and take my mind of it all I
decided to go for a run on the beach. That’s when I met him.” I take a deep
breath and try to stay focused.