Continental Life (12 page)

Now it was her turn to smile. God how she loved those two simple, unassuming words strung together…
good girl.

But only from Xander
.

***

As soon as Xander stepped out of the DDTC’s doors, he texted Bella.

XP: Are you ok?

MsDarcy: I’m getting there. U?

XP: I’m fine.

MsDarcy: Really?

He didn’t quite know how to respond without coming off harsh. Her accusing look had cut him to the bone. Of course he
wanted
to help Ms. Breslin, but what happened to her wasn’t the first time he or the other instructors had been faced with a scenario like that. There were protocols to be followed when things went awry and Dalberg had abided by them flawlessly. It was good to see he was back to his usual professional self.

Staring at the screen as he sat in his car, he tried to contain the irritation bubbling just under the surface.
Bella had doubted his intentions,
again
. After everything they had been through, why was she still distrustful of him?

Deciding to let his emotions neutralize before he responded, he drove to a
restaurant near home to have a quick bite to eat. As he sat waiting for his food, his phone beeped.

MsDarcy: I love u so much. I know you’re angry with me. Forgive me?

XP: It’s not anger that I’m feeling. We’ll discuss this later.

MsDarcy: Can I call u?

XP: No.

Allowing her time to think and stew on her actions was always a more efficient form of punishment than anything else in his arsenal. Well, not
always,
but he abhorred physical discipline and only went that route when the occasion truly necessitated it. He had already spanked her for doubting him before, but apparently that wasn’t enough. A time out or spanking had always proven effective, so now what? He couldn’t even see her to do anything about it even if he wanted.

MsDarcy: What about our date?

The solution suddenly presented itself.

XP: I think your time would be better utilized asking yourself why you still continue to question my honor.

MsDarcy: Please! NO! I want to hear your voice, Sir! :(

XP: That’s my final decision. I’ll speak with you tomorrow and I expect answers.

His heart sank. Her punishment didn’t only a
ffect her, but him as well.

Staring out the window, the night drew down like a black curtain. The rain had finally ceased but the streets were wet and the puddles reflected the electric orange of the summer night that was barely visible on the horizon.
Scanning the restaurant, its interior was as drab and ordinary as its patrons. The smell of food drifted from the kitchen but did nothing for his lost appetite. When his unappealing food arrived, he poked at it and sulked like a petulant child whose favorite toy had been taken away; the cherished toy being Bella.
What a shitty night
.

Just as he lifted his beer to take a sip, a feeling of déjà vu hit him when the scent of
tacky floral notes wafted past his nose. He knew immediately whose perfume it was without even looking in her direction.
Svetlana.

“Xander, Darling…” her Russian accent raked over his nerves
, making him cringe.

Refusing to make eye contact, he stared
at his food without acknowledging her presence and continued to pick at his burger. He thought maybe if he ignored her she would go away. No such luck. Sliding into the booth seat across from him, her frail frame and fake-tanned face came into view under the blued fluorescent lighting.

He sighed loudly and narrowed his eyes at her. “Is there a reason you’re sitting with me, uninvited?”

As he stared at her impassively, the point of her tongue slowly moistened her lower lip in a blatant attempt to entice him. It wasn’t working. After what this woman had put him and Bella through, she was permanently on his black list. She was a woman with no values and no dedications beyond her own selfish wants and needs.

That fact couldn’t have been made more obvious than the night
he caught her sucking off a former coworker mere days before an important
merger
. It had been years since that fucked up episode played out and still, his feelings were raw about it. He detested dishonesty and cheaters, though in hindsight, it was the best thing to happen to him, even as hurt as he was at the time. A lifetime spent with
Leggy Blonde
would have been an emotional and professional death sentence. Hell, come to think of it, he probably should’ve thanked the coworker for exposing who she really was instead of breaking the asshole’s nose and ruining his English Laundry plaid suit vest and custom Edward Green shoes with the man’s blood. It was one of the rare times he had let his temper get out of control, but his point had been made and no one ever doubted his resolve after that.

Slid
ing a hand across the table, her fingers skimmed the top of his hand. “I just thought I’d say hello.”

Jerking his hand away he responded coldly.
“Hello. Now goodbye.”

Undeterred she waved the waiter
over and ordered a Cosmopolitan.

Leaning back in the
rose-colored vinyl seat, Xander eyed her cautiously. “What do you want, Svetlana?”

“
You already know the answer to that. Can’t we play nice?’ she flirted as she batted her fake lashes and smiled smoothly.

“I don’t play nice.”

“Sure you do,” she tossed her over-processed, platinum-blonde hair to the side and off her shoulder. “You also play dirty as I recall,” she winked.

“Moving on…
” he stated blankly, already regretting that he was engaging in this conversation far longer than he should.

Her lips curled into a sneer. “I
t’s too bad about you and Bella.”

Hi
s brows pinched together. “What are you talking about?”

“The break-up.”

He rolled his eyes at her ridiculous allegation. “There was no break-up.”

“Oh, r
eally? I saw you Monday night and just assumed since you were leaving with another woman, that the two of you were a thing of the past.”

An expression of amusement
replaced his scowl, but just as quickly, his delight with her stupidity and lack of awareness was replaced with irritation.

His eyes narrowed down to slits.
“Have you been following me?”

A guilty expression
manifested itself on her weathered face and her eyes flashed deception. “Of course not, Darling...” she waved her hand in dismissal. “I’ve just been checking in on you from time-to-time. It’s what friends do.”

The muscle in his jaw quivered.
“Except that we’re not friends and we never have been.”

Disregarding
his remark, she continued, her voice oozing with fake sympathy. “I’m not judging you, Xander. We all have needs. It’s not your fault that poor, little, uninteresting Bella just isn’t enough of a woman for you.”

“St
op right there…” he sat forward, putting his hand up.

“I understand that a
man of your social stature and specific sexual and varied tastes can’t be held to the same standards as ordinary men. A man like you can’t be expected to be monogamous to only
one
woman,” she doggedly and foolishly persisted.

“
Bella is the only woman for me and we’re still together,” he blurted out when she wouldn’t shut the hell up long enough for him to get a word in.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she gave him a
lofty side glance. “Then why isn’t she living with you?”

So she had been
skulking around and keeping tabs on him.
What a disturbing thought.

He rose to leave.
“This conversation is over.”

Reaching out, she gripped his wrist.
“If you’re still
together
, then why are you seeking the affection of other women? Listen, my handsome boy, no one is blaming you for your misbehavior. That big cock of yours has a ravenous appetite. I know.
I remember…
I mean...” the grin that lifted the corner of her mouth was more smirk than smile. “Who can blame you? Bella is just so…
insipid
. I mean, really, Xander… a man of your wealth engaged to a secretary? You need elegance in a woman, not efficiency.”

He clinched his jaw so tight he thought his teeth would crack.
The only
insipid
person was the lying, conniving bitch in front of him.
Shooting daggers at her with his eyes he leaned down and got in her face. “Listen to me, Svetlana: the time for civility between the two of us is over,” he glared down at her. “Bella satisfies me in more ways than your feeble, unimaginative mind can fathom. She’s more woman than you could ever hope
to be. She has more elegance
and intelligence
than you could ever hope to attain. Now I’ve tried to remain on reasonably friendly terms with you because of our mutual business projects, but that ends right now. Under no uncertain terms do I want you coming near Bella and me, and stay the fuck out of our personal lives. Am I making myself perfectly clear?” The words spoken softly may as well have been roared in her ear.

Loosening her
hold on him, her eyes widened yet she remained undaunted by his inhospitable words. “When you get bored again,
and you will
, you know where to find me. Remember: discreet is my middle name, Darling.”

When Bella woke on Saturday morning, she found a message from Xander.

XP: Call It What It Is by Sleeperstar. Listen to it. Your punishment affects me too. For the sake of
us
, stop doubting me.

The guilt that she was trying to suppress resurfaced and made her mourn not only her careless actions, but the loss of her evening with him. His punishment had been far worse than any damned spanking and he knew it. It was cruel, something she never thought Xander was capable of. Besides Xander himself, her time with him was the most precious thing in the world to her. And here she was again, questioning his honor. Something Hutchens had drilled into them suddenly popped into her head.
Punish, without anger. Express, without accusing. Listen, without invalidating.
Hutchens had also stated that in the case of disagreements, the facts are never perceived as the same between the people having the dispute. What she had alleged as cruel, Xander would most likely disagree with. He had never been cruel before nor punished her out of anger, and her assumption of such was defensiveness when she was faced with blame.

Bella had stayed awake until the wee hours of Saturday morning doing as Xander had instructed her to do, but still, she was no closer to figuring out why she continued to question his intentions. Her best guess was that it was just human nature and not personally directed at him, though she knew that he would find that response
unacceptable.
Before rising from bed, she sent a message to him in hopes of trying to patch things up.

MsDarcy: Your punishments affect me far worse and much deeper. We all falter sometimes.

MsDarcy: Human by Christina Perri. Please listen.

MsDarcy: Please forgive me.

For the sake of her sanity, she hoped he would let this go because being denied access to him meant emotional death for her.

As
she sipped on her orange juice trying to take her mind off of her predicament, she read through chapter seven of the DDTC rule book. Many of the laws contained within it had been adapted into Xander’s way of life, though his own standards of acceptable behavior were far more exacting than the DDTC’s. With each passing day in the program, it was clear to see where he had mastered his techniques and what had influenced him. It made her wonder who had officially trained him or how his edification was attained. Did the Lords go through the same kind of program? Someone had to have taught them. Who was it?

She had met his parents and sisters
very early in their relationship, and many times since, and it was evident from the very beginning that none of them demonstrated any kind of behavior remotely suggestive of how Xander currently lived his life. In fact, they were all fairly indecisive and compliant. Xander was most definitely the Alpha male in their bloodline.

Walking to the large drape-covered window, she pushed it open to look out beyond the
sun-soaked, tall buildings to see Pettifor Industries. It was good to feel the heat of the warm summer day on her face and she was happy to see the rain clouds had finally dispersed. She squinted her eyes and tried to make out his office window, but it was too far away. Undoubtedly he was already at work. Even though it was Saturday, he always dedicated a few hours of the weekend to get ahead for the next work week. His dedication to his job and work ethic had always been some of the things she cherished most about him. But his devotion to her was undeniable and even more prized.

A pain swayed through her as she gazed at the top of his office structure. Her reckless actions had hurt him deeply and
he deserved a truthful and heartfelt answer as to why she was disbelieving of him. He had always come through for her.
Always.
So where was it coming from? She would have to dig deep for that answer.

Seated at the small kitchen bar, she retrieved a piece of blank paper and wrote out all of the hurts that had been perpetrated on her with her past
lovers; all of the lies and emotional pain they had caused; every single careless and unkind word spoken. She had never shared these things with anyone, but she hoped it would help Xander to understand why she reacted the way she did. It was a lesson in humiliation and of acceptance of things that were unchangeable and even some unspeakable, but in a way, it was liberating. There was no one else she would rather tell these things to than Xander because she knew he wouldn’t mock or judge her.

They had spoken to each other about
past relationships before, but not in such explicit detail. Even he remained cagey when it came to talking about the dreadfulness of his past affairs. She had let it go because in her eyes, the past was the past and she felt as though nothing would be accomplished by talking about it.

Being a strong-willed
and resolute man with a deeply seated romantic heart made it challenging for him to admit that he had been taken advantage of. They were together for more than a year before he finally spoke of Joy, his first and only wife, and how she had used him for financial gain. Others, too, had taken advantage of his generosity – the names of which she had already forgotten because there were so many.

Fearful of having his heart ripped out again, he
had shielded it fiercely against her. She, on the other hand, despite having her heart stomped on by other men, freely gave hers to Xander. Maybe it was the optimist in her or maybe it was just that she couldn’t deny him, or a little of both. From the first time she looked into his blazing green eyes and heard his calmly spoken commands, she knew she belonged to him.

In retrospect, she gave herself away far too quickly. Somehow
though, her foolishness in matters of the heart and naivety had won Xander’s heart and there wasn’t one thing she would change about how they came to be.

And Leggy
Blonde had a lot to do with how things came to be. Bella hated the woman but it was because of LB’s pathetic actions at trying to capture Xander’s attention that they were both forced to face their feelings for one another. And on some level, she was grateful for that.

Because of his
emotional distance, Bella lied to herself for years that what they had was nothing more than a work relationship, but in the end, the walls they had both put up only hurt them. She could see now how holding onto those kinds of things could hurt a relationship.

Once finished with the written confession, she turned her attention to her homework assignment: contracts.
Many years of her life had been spent going over contracts when she worked for Xander. Maybe she was missing something or she just wasn’t in the right frame of mind, but other than the differences in phraseology and subject matter, it all seemed the same. Make a list of your wants, desires and goals; then negotiate, edit, amend, modify, rework and notarize. As with anything, if you want it to work out, time and patience is needed, and therein lies the difficulty.

Bored and restless, Bella decided to go for a walk and get a smoothie at the juice bar a few blocks away.
The day was bright, the breeze was cool and enlivening, and Bella felt rejuvenated. With the letter she had written neatly folded in her purse, she planned on dropping it off at his office for their courier to hand deliver to him right after her stop off to satiate her fruity craving.

With her mango smoothie in hand and earbuds in,
and Christina Perri’s
Head or Heart
album saturating her brain, she continued to add more to the letter. She filled the front and back page and before long, she was writing notes on napkins. Her mind was flowing with love, shame, longing, guilt… every conceivable emotion was stirring within her.

One of Xander’s lectures flitted in and out of her thoughts as she continued to write and the words he said resonated in her.

“Living D/s and DD is no simple thing nor is exchanging power. Communicating honestly is a MUST in any kind of partnership, but it’s difficult. Especially when it means you’re exposing your vulnerabilities and heart. Making your relationship successful, gratifying and ultimately flourish, is the objective we should all aspire to accomplish. But don’t be fooled into thinking that things will ever get easier. Your relationship will always be a work-in-progress. Even when and
if
you do it well, there are no guarantees for longevity or successfulness. Growing means taking risks and that means you need to be willing to be flexible and prepared to accept change in order to achieve growth. Growing also necessitates you to push through your fears, whatever they may be.”

Losing Xander or disappointing him were the first fears to come to mind. They had always been there, from the very beginning and even now, despite being engaged to him. Wasn’t everyone afraid of loss or seeing the one you love reveal them self to be something or someone other than what they’ve portrayed them self to be?

He was a worldly man; one who traveled to far off places and was faced with many opportunities, not only at work but at school. She tried telling herself that he was just a man sharing his knowledge, but seeing how the other woman in the program
looked at him, even talked about him and wanted him, she knew without a doubt that countless others had offered to please him in whatever manner he chose. How foolish of her to think they wouldn’t. He was handsome, wealthy, dominant and powerful. What woman could resist that?

Would she be enough for him in the long run? Could she satisfy him completely or would some other woman
whose obedience appealed to him come along someday and tempt him away? Maybe he knew she would never be enough and that’s why he wouldn’t set a firm wedding date. She knew that to keep thinking this way was like allowing poison into her blood stream, but there they were: her fears staring starkly back at her, mocking and laughing at her and reminding her that deep down, she would always just be his secretary.

Tired of over thinking things, she reached for one last napkin and laid her heart and soul bare.

The things that we do on the surface to the ones we love seem unthinkable sometimes
. Unspeakable. Cruel. We blame and accuse.
We doubt
. Withhold. Deny. All for what?

But the other side of us, the
real
side of you and me – we adore. Cherish. Raise up and place on pedestals. Give praise and worship.

The most precious and private side of us – we make love, taste love, feel love, give and receive
love, pain and pleasure. Give and take. Push and pull. Dominate and submit.

All sides make us whole and bring us closer together. You stole my heart
the first day we met. Or did I give it freely? The memory is blurred. I don’t even care how you received it. I just know it belongs to you and I’d let you steal it again and again. You are home for me. You are all I know and want to know. I just want to love you and to be loved by you. Without doubt. Without fear. Under the moon and stars. Inside the fiery sun, both of us ablaze with pure desire, passion and love.
Forever.

The ringing of her phone brought her out of her wordy entrancement. She placed all the scribbled on napkins and letter back in her bag, expecting to hear Xander’s voice. Instead, she was greeted to Amelie’s sweet voice.

“Where have you been? You went MIA on me!”

“I was just thinking about you,” Bella smiled from ear to ear.

“Good stuff?”

“Always. I miss seeing you, Doll Face. As soon as I’m done with…” she halted herself. She wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about the school.

Amelie plunged on. “Are you taking summer classes?”

“Sort of. Just one; a relationship class that’s six weeks long. I’m about half-way through it. It’s pretty intense.” she barely escaped the questions.

“
That’s great! Is Mr. Pettifor taking it with you?”

“Umm… yes.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

“Good luck with it. I’m sure you’ll both do fine. I mean, hell, you’ve been together this long, right?
We’ll get together when you’re finished. So have you and the Boss Man set a date yet?”

Bella’s smile faded. “We haven’t even discussed it,” she whispered.

“What’s the problem? Oh my God. Are you two in counseling? The wedding is still on, isn’t it?” her voice went from perky to panicked.

“
It’s not exactly counseling. I can’t discuss it. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you about it when it’s all said and done and of course the wedding is still on. I mean… I think so...” her confidence wavered. “Oh, hell, Amelie, I don’t know. I just know we’re together for now and I’m happy with that.”

The pretty blonde had
good sense and was never afraid to speak up, traits which were both endearing and aggravating at times. “What the hell happened? Is it because of school? Don’t let him bully you, Bella. You sit that man down and make him give you a firm date.”

If only it was that easy.
There was no
sitting that man down
or
making
him do anything. “Stop, he would never bully me. You know that. And it’s not because of school. We’re fine. Really. I’m just being overdramatic. We had a disagreement and I’m still emotional about it.”