Consequences (21 page)

In this place, where mute words are spoken to
deaf ears, I gain understanding just by speaking them out loud. I
tell him about Cassandra; her heart inside Agamemnon, and her soul
inside the babies. I tell him what I felt, the power of the
emotions … the inconceivable power of Cassandra’s love. I smile and
leisurely entwine my legs around his as I explain the joy of having
a child, and knowing that babies come from a place of
unquestionable devotion…

“Oh Christopher, how could I have been so
dense? Cassandra gave me something I will never feel for myself. I
was so caught up in the jealousy, anger, and bitterness that I
didn’t think about how precious a gift she was giving me.”

The realization is every bit of a shock, as
my anger with Cassandra, had been in the first place. Something
warm filled my body and I could feel the pulse of energy flowing
through my skin. I let go of the pain; I let go of the sorrow, and
bathe my mind in the understanding that I have given my love and
friendship to someone special … and in doing so, she repaid me with
the most precious gift one person can give another. Cassandra
shared the essence of her existence; she gave me a glimpse at what
made her Ho Thanatos … at what made her so wise, so grounded, and
so magnificent. I draw strength from the fact that she is still
here, when there shouldn't have been anything left to pass through
the veil in the first place. I think maybe, we come to ethereal
mist not because of our purity, or gifts, but because of our
essence. Cassandra is a manifestation of endurance, just as Zuvan
is the manifestation of commitment.

Christopher pulls away with a surprised look
on his face. He is staring at me, and then looking at the skin on
his forearms. His eyes speak volumes as he smiles playfully and
mouths, “You win … I can’t do that.”

Confused, I look at his arms … all the hair
is standing on end and his skin has goose bumps that only a shock
of electricity can make. A turquoise-green glow pulses out of my
body, making Christopher shiver and shudder -- the light show
reminds me of Zuvan’s white-hot glow, which flows out of his hands
in order to control fire. I start to laugh at my success in paying
back Christopher for tickling my lip, and the glow shifts to a
bright yellow; in response Christopher starts laughing
uncontrollably. When his twisting breaks the connection between us,
he finally regains control, and the light surrounding me fades. We
tentatively touch hands, and confirm that whatever has just
happened … it has passed. His expression mirrors my own … “What was
that?”

The white wolf, which has stayed by our side,
not interfering, just watching with a tilt to her head, comes to us
now and nudges Christopher’s arm with her nose. He nods solemnly,
and turns to kiss me one last time. This isn’t playful, or even
passionate … it is all encompassing, pushing out any other
feelings. It must be time for him to leave. His relationship with
the wolf is confusing, but she has brought us together again. And,
I am thankful.

I am not sure how long I was sitting at the
twins’ grave, stuck in my trance; but when I open my eyes, I am
greeted by the sunset and Cassandra sitting about twenty feet
away.

Speaking softly, with more than a touch of
concern, Cass says, “I’m sorry, Ellie. The idea that I would make
you feel the pain of losing a child, on top of losing the love of
your life … well, I had no idea how powerful your gifts must be. I
hope you can forgive me.”

I see her with more sympathy than I thought
would be possible, it still amazes me how much your perspective can
change when you understand someone else’s hardship. “Thank you for
allowing me to know you that intimately, Cass. I learned more
inside your story than I could have learned through years of
instruction.”

During my time in the dreamscape, many things
came to mind. The reach of my gifts and the inescapable need to
find a way to block my mind from other readers seems to have great
significance for my survival. If I am going to continue growing
stronger and learning new levels in my abilities, then I need to
learn how to protect myself from being affected like this again.
And, I need to figure out what exactly happened with
Christopher.

“How long have I been sitting here?” I can
almost feel the stiffness in my limbs.

“A little over two weeks…” I stare at
Cassandra in astonishment, “Trust me, if needed, a Ho Thanatos can
sit still for centuries. Although, I am pretty sure that is why
some of our kind have faded away, from a lack of movement, a lack
of life.”

Feeling the pressure of not wanting to waste
any more time, although apparently all I have is time, but
Christopher most certainly does not … I start telling Cassandra
about what I had accomplished, while she was telling me her
story.

Her expression is mildly confused, but her
emotions are a mixture of excitement and concern. “I agree with
you, Ellie, we need to work on your defenses … and I need to try
and figure out a way that your talents could be used to possibly
protect you.”

“I wasn't sure what I could do offensively.
Existing as a reader; I could pick up on emotions but I can’t
invoke emotions … or can I? Before what had happened with
Christopher, I was sure my gifts were purely passive; and I liked
to think of them that way. I am not comfortable with the idea of
forcing anyone to do anything, it feels too much like interfering
with free will, and I’d rather die than do that … even to my
enemies.”

Cass just continues chatting, ignoring my
objections, “You said that you could influence people’s mood by
touching their painful thoughts and reinforcing the positive,
right? You’ve already told me that while you were inside
Christopher’s waking mind, you were able to absorb his anger and
stress. You physically removed the anxiety from his thoughts and
body, and then released it. I think that your potential for
offensive could be very dangerous, given the right circumstances.”
Her excitement continues to grow the more she speculates.

“Yes, I did tell you I could do that … but
Cass, you have to remember, pulling emotions from a human, leaves
me incapacitated for hours. Please, tell me how am I supposed to
defend myself, if I am unconscious?”

I want to understand more about my light
demonstration with Christopher, before I tell Cassandra about it. I
have the sneaking suspicion that she will see that as a weapon.
Given my issues with controlling others, I am not prepared to
accept that aspect of my gifts just yet.

“You’re right; of course ... you’ll be struck
down before they even formulate an attack.”

She looks momentarily defeated, and then a
new glow comes to her face, “If we can find a way to take away your
suffering … maybe you would be able to withstand entering a mind
without side effects. Have you tried to do that with a Ho Thanatos
before?”

I shake my head. Why haven’t I thought of
that … I can absorb negative feelings with humans, why haven’t I
tried with Ho Thanatos? I wish I had thought of that when Zuvan was
showing me how to read ethereal creatures. The ease of interaction
with my own kind may be the answer we are looking for … a way to
save me from the suffering.

“First though, Cass, I want to learn how to
deflect, and protect, my mind from intruders.”

“All right; that will have to be our first
lesson. I think that you probably already know how to protect your
thoughts and feelings. You need to recognize that ability, and put
it into action.”

“What do you think I should do, to discover
this ability?” My mind is filled with questions, and searching
desperately for answers; the simple act of following Cass’s ideas
is eluding me. Focus, Ellie; damn it, focus!

As I listen to Cassandra running through
different ideas, from trying to force my way through her defenses,
so that I might see for myself how to deflect a reader … to finding
a reader that will be willing to test me until I am able to block
the intrusion. She continues to vocalize her thoughts, and her
voice takes on a rhythmic droning quality as she starts listing the
Ho Thanatos that might be able to help us. The more I try to focus,
the more I hear the cadence of speech rather than the words, and my
mind drifts back to my time in the fog.

My defenses sent me to a place to meditate --
a place to concentrate on delicately acknowledging Cassandra’s
pain, as it became my own. The emotional torment invading my
thoughts was nothing new; I had tasted the bitterness of losing
children before, especially during World War Two. Cass’s agony
wasn’t as incapacitating as the human mothers’ minds that I’d
touched when I was human.

The difference must lay in the fact that she
is Ho Thanatos, and my ease at forming a connection. I am hoping it
doesn’t have anything to do with me forming an emotional
detachment; as much as I hate the suffering, the idea of not
feeling the weight of emotions, would steal away my appreciation
for the experiences. No, I am not going to allow myself to become
callous. I don’t know if I can grow to escape the physical response
to suffering; but in my coming lessons, I cannot allow my mind to
ignore my instinctual need to understand and provide comfort. I
think my intimate understanding of feelings is the essence of my
existence … and losing sympathy and compassion would wipe me from
the mist entirely.

Before my lessons are to begin with
Cassandra, I need to test my detachment; I need to find out if I
still feel humans with the same intensity. Recognizing the
restrictions that Cass has put on my reaching out with my mind over
long distances, I decide that I need to actually travel to a highly
populated area and interact personally with humans.

Interrupting Cass’s musing, I tell her, “I
think I need to fly … I mean, I think I need to stretch and wake
up. I have some thinking to do, and it might do me some good to get
away from this place for a little while.”

Stuttering a bit as she stops her present
train of thought, Cass responds, “Ah, all right … would you like
for me to join you?” I can feel her concern and curiosity, but she
doesn’t press because she still feels bad for allowing me to
experience her misery.

“No … I think I need some time alone.” I try
to smile to alleviate her guilt, but she nods with her eyes lowered
in shame.

“Cassandra, this isn’t because of anything
you have done … as I told you before, you gave me a gift in sharing
your life. I just need to get away for a bit … that’s all.” I don’t
want to tell her about what I really need to do, knowing how much
she disapproves of my touching the minds of Mortos.

With a touch more of her old confidence, she
says, “We shall meet back here the day after tomorrow then, shall
we?”

“Yes, I think that would be perfect. In the
meantime, maybe you could try and find those readers you have
mentioned, and see if one of them might be interested in helping
us.”

She rises to leave as she speaks, “That
sounds like a good plan … I will see you back here in two days.”
With that she flies to the south, and leaves me to search for minds
to touch, and emotions to experience.

Turning to the north, I decide to fly in the
opposite direction of Cass. I am not sure where I am heading; at
that point, I am more interested in just flying. Letting land pass
smoothly below, I start mentally developing a checklist of what I
have learned about myself.

During my time with Zuvan, I realized that I
could sense, and use my gifts on other Ho Thanatos. I don’t see my
tendency to unintentionally manifest parts of my body, as solid in
the Mortos realm, as a problem anymore … and learning how to shift
from specter to solid will definitely help with Christopher at
least. I can pass into Cassandra’s visions, and touch the minds of
the creatures that exist inside the apparition, no matter what time
period the mental picture represents. I suppose that could be very
useful as a source for reconnaissance. I seem to be able to do
something similar to that within memories … actually sensing the
emotions of those around the individual whose mind I have entered.
It seems that not only do I feel their emotions as my own, but I
inhabit their body physically, and retain my ability to be
empathically aware. Most surprising, and somewhat alarming, is the
fact that I seem to be able to share my own emotions with another
person, whether they want the feelings or not. I still don’t want
to acknowledge that talent; I have developed a knee-jerk reaction
towards the idea of forcefully sharing anything with anyone.

"Whatever I am … I am not a monster, and
manipulation is just not an option." I mutter, absentmindedly
speaking to myself.

I have to consciously compel my mind back to
the task at hand. Finally noticing that I am unintentionally
following the pull of Mortos, I look down and realize I have
entered a major city.

Athens
! Oh, it is so beautiful, and
captivating. The majority of the emotions drifting up to me are
full of love for the ancient city -- laidback with respectful
admiration. In my growing understanding of who I am, I can’t tell
if my own wide-eyed appreciation for this place is in response to
the emotions of Athenians, or my own impression … either way,
Athens is magnificent. Congested with buildings, it reminds me of a
phrase I’d heard once … concrete jungle. But the joy flowing
through its busy streets tells me that around every corner, there
is something new and entertaining to see or do. I think I’m going
to really enjoy experiencing the nightlife here; maybe I needed a
break more than I realized.

Even without my sensitive hearing, I would be
bombarded by all the music. In one direction, I can hear something
unfamiliar … a clarinet and a lute, perhaps. The sound is
infectious; people are laughing loudly and whistling. Then a beat
cuts in from a different direction … fast, with a synthesized feel.
I am drawn to the lights and thumping that drift around the
corner.