Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) (3 page)

"That's the last thing I feel like doing." I mumble.

"Exactly." He points out.

"No Ty, honestly. I really can't face people, not yet."

"Missy, you have held yourself hostage at home for what
, months? Don't think Sophia hasn't kept me informed. You can't stay indoors forever."

I groan at his persistence
. "But it's where I want to be. I don't want to venture out. I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s bad enough getting myself dressed to go to work every day."

"Y
ou will turn into an old spinster."

"That’s fine. I’d rather that, I think it's easier that way."

Tyler looks towards me, his face deadpan until his eyes briefly flick down towards my private parts like he can see through my sweat pants. What now?

“Olivia, I won’t allow you to gain cobwebs in your pants. I bet you’ve let yourself grow free haven’t you?”

Grow free? Oh Tyler!

I don’t laugh at that. I have no energy.

Tyler sighs and looks at me softly. "He really hurt you didn’t he."

I nod inhaling, trying to steady my breaking voice. Every time someone mentions Calvin or anything to do with it I break down.

"So much Tyler, it's like I’ve lost my best friend and my soul mate all in one. I’m at a complete loss. I can't function properly. I loved him, I really did and all the things we ever did together keep playing out in my mind. I don’t understand his motives not one bit, that’s what hurts the most."

I find myself willingly telling Tyler exactly how I feel. I haven’t really wanted to do this, to talk to anyone about it, but he's my best friend, I want to tell him. I need to get it off my chest. I can't keep it all in my head it's driving me crazy.

Tyler continues to smooth my hand with his thumb while he listens patiently.

"It drives me insane not being able to speak to him anymore ya know, going from speaking to him every day, seeing him every day to nothing, gone, just like that. How do I adjust to that? Having nothing left of him except his stupid jacket, a necklace and memories. I love but wish at the same time they would disappear."

I wipe the tears that have rolled down my face away before continuing, "Not knowing what he's doing with his day, not knowing if he's thinking about me at all, like I think about him, every second of every fucking day. I don’t even know where he is. Did he hate me that much that he had to leave his home because of it?"

I get mad at myself, it’s so frustrating. Tyler pulls my shoulders so I can face him, wiping my tears from my cheek
s
with his fingers.

"I hate seeing you like this. What he's done to you is wrong and unexplainable. But you said he moves around right? Maybe that’s what it was, he had his fill of Chicago and moved on."

"So did he have his fill of me as well?"

"You need to stop thinking about it honey,
you’re going to make yourself ill, and you’ve lost weight,” he scolds. I wrap my arms around myself feeling ashamed. 

“I’m so sorry for leaving you like this. If I’d only known.” He closes his eyes briefly feeling guilty.

"It’s not your fault Ty, I was a complete bitch, but your here now, and it’s your birthday on the weekend. Don’t look so shocked, of course I didn’t forget. Are you still going to be here?"

"Yeah, but I’m
hoping to drive back next week, so please let me take you out. Wednesday night we’re going to this Casino for Jamie’s birthday. We thought, why not celebrate mine on the same day. We have to make the most of it."

I raise
my eyebrow at Tyler the groan. "A casino night? Ty, are you purposely trying to kill me?"

"Look, I know everything will be reminding you of Calvin right now, but you need a little life inside of you, and this one is meant to be great. It’s a new casino opening. If it's too much then we’ll go straight home I promise, and I never brake my promise." He raises a cynical eyebrow at me, referring to the promise thing. I look at his pleading deep blue eyes and baby face, exhausted.

"You’re not giving me a choice are you?"

"Damn right I’m not."

Chapter Three*

"
You look too pale, and put on some weight. I don’t like it." Mayra shoots the comments my way. The same comments she’s made for weeks, as she bites into a waffle dripping in honey. My mom also glances my way as she sees me coming into the kitchen with her scrutinizing glare.

"There’s some breakfast laid out, sit down and eat with us." She pushes on dryly.

"Didn't get much sleep and I’m not that hungry." I shrug sliding onto the bar stool still dressed in night clothes, pouring myself some orange juice. I’m currently never hungry, neither do I get sleep, so why do they keep expecting something new from me every morning? I did however, feel so much better in myself for talking to Tyler yesterday, at least something in my life is at peace for the moment.

"You never sleep good Olivia, when is this going to end?"

My mom sighs, looking all radiant and herself in a white blouse and black pencil skirt. She and Mauricio got back from Brooklyn last night and they’re going away again tonight for a small break. They seem to be getting along a little better of late.

"Well
, I’m sorry I haven’t made any positive progress lately mom. Jesus, give me a break."

"You have to get on with your life." My mom scolds, getting angry at me with Mayra backing her up this time.

"Your mom’s right, you can’t go on like this. You have a bite of toast and an apple a day and you think that's Okay? You’ll end up in the hospital my girl."

Why don’t they get off my back?

I roll my eyes and groan loudly trying to get them to take the hint. "Just leave it the both of you."

Mayra looks down at her hands after my outburst but my mom’s narrowed stare is fixated on mine. I know I shouldn't take it out on them but I’m in no mood for people fussing over me or telling me what I should or shouldn't do for that matter. That's all I’ve heard, unwanted advice. I’m sick of it.

I make my way upstairs to get ready for work.

After my shower I pull on a light pink silk blouse, black slacks and pumped heels.

I hate dressing this way.

When I’m almost ready to leave Mayra c
omes into my room.

"Now Olivia, my beautiful girl, I’m sorry to keep prying but, we’re so worried about you, it's been months since ... Well you know. And I don’t think I’ve gotten a sentence out of you since. Will you just listen to us and take our advice? Maybe you could go see someone like your mom suggests."

I ignore the ridiculous suggestion and don’t bother to turn to acknowledge her. Instead, I close my eyes exasperated facing up to the ceiling. I don't want to speak about this again. I don't want to go through the agony from reliving it. And as for my mom to even suggest such a thing as going to speak to some stranger about my life? No thank you.

I’m about to brush Mayra off when Sophia comes into my room dressed for work in a black shift dress a red tweed jacket and killer heals.

Why don't they both leave me be?

"I don’t mean to be nosy but Mayra’s right, you should go and see someone. It’s like you’re a ghost trapped in a living person’s body."

I know they both mean well, standing in front of me with the most sympathetic eyes, but I can't deal with it. I don’t want to keep explaining that I don’t want to god damn talk about it.

"I don’t know why everyone is ignoring my pleas to be left alone. I’ll be fine. I’m going to work."

But they don’t let me leave.

"Olivia, I’m your sister, why won’t you speak to me? Please let me help you."

I rub my forehead with my hands. I really don't need this.

"Stop Sophia, please, stop. Just let me get to work." I ask nicely but she doesn’t give in. Mayra remains silent letting Sophia do the talking and Sophia being Sophia begins to get angry again. Verbal outbursts are how she deals with things. Not me.

"I told you from the start I didn't trust that man and now look what he's gone and done. He’s left you, just like I said he would. Who the fuck does he think he is doing this to my sister?"

Mayra nods in agreement and opens her mouth to have her say, but I stop them both throwing my hands up in the air irately. I’ve had enough of this. They go on at me every damn day.

"Shut up, just shut up the pair of you,” I scream at them allowing all my anger to seep out. The anger that's been building up inside of me for months. “What good is repeatedly cursing Calvin going to do for me now? Tell me how everyone going on to me about how wrong Calvin was for me going to help me? You want me to talk to you? You want me to tell you what's going on inside my head?" I continue yelling as my eyes begin to wallow in tears. "He broke my fucking heart Okay. I fell in love with a man who didn't fall in love with me. I let my guards down for him, let him into my life when I have never done so before. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody and all I was to him was a bit of fun. You know how hard and humiliating that is for me? Do you have any idea how it feels to stand there pouring your heart out to a man, begging him not to leave you, giving up your pride, everything you believed in, for him to just go and leave anyway?" Sophia listens on as her features harden but Mayra’s filling up hearing me speak this way.

"Is this what you wanted to hear? You want to know how much it's tearing me apart inside every single day. How much he's broke me? Yes, me Sophia, he's broke me and you all think that I like living like this? That
I can just snap out of it. I’m sorry, I can't." Tears start coming down my face even harder. My throat begins to tighten and it shows when I speak.

"You want to give me your advice? Then go ahead and tell me how I’m ever going to feel myself again? Because I don't know the answer to that one. I put my heart and soul into a man I thought loved me, only to realize he was using me. He left me heartbroken and numb. Now, tell me how I’m ever going to get over that? So there you go. Is that enough information for you guys?"

I wipe my tears away quickly and add whispering. "Maybe you will all leave me alone now."

Mayra stands there upset but holds herself together. Sophia begins to walk towards me.

Now she feels my pain?

"Liv’s
, I’m so sorry it's just...”

"No it isn’t
just
anything Soph. I don’t talk about it because it’s too hard for me. I loved him and he left me. He tossed me to the side like I was worthless when I bared myself to him. So please, for me, stop telling me how I’m meant to feel."

I brush past the both of them, leaving them emotionally speechless.

Wiping away my own tears, I make my way to work.

***

I give Macy one of the girls that I work with a ride home after work, then drive home myself. I do often wonder whilst driving; what would it be like if I just left? What if I kept on driving, then where ever my gas ran out, that's where I’d stay. But I never have the balls to go through with it and I always end up going home.

After my shower I chuck on my long sleeved red flannel pajamas and head downstairs. As I reach the bottom the doorbell rings.

"I’ll get it," Sophia calls from upstairs. “It’s Tyler."

Tyler?

Sophia urges me into the living room as she gets the door.

I hear Tyler greet her in the distance and make his way in. I sit in the living room wondering suspiciously.
What the hell are they up to?

It suddenly becomes clear to me what their intentions are when Tyler comes prancing in with a large bag of goodies and a huge pile of peanut butter flavor chocolates.

"We’re going to have a sister-friends bonding time. God knows we all need it before I go away again. All hell breaks loose when I’m gone," Tyler announces holding the goodie bag up in one hand and the chocolates in the other. "And I’ve made this night into a no man talking zone."

I manage a giggle.
"Who wants to talk about them anyway?"

"What's this about men?" Sophia comes in dressed in her pink fluffy pyjamas. I wait for the verbal attack about Calvin but there isn’t one. I think Tyler must have previously warned her. I’m so relieved.

Instead Sophia hands me a small tub off Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream.

My favorite.

"Here, this normally helps me." She smiles with compassion holding out three spoons in delight.

"My best friend, my sister, peanut chocolate and ice cream, perfect." I smile, appreciating what they’re doing for me.

"I already warned Sophia, Livs. No talking about men, that's if she can manage it," he scoffs.
Just as I thought.

"Nope, I’ll keep my mouth zipped." Sophia agrees throwing away an imaginary key.

"Let’s not let this ice-cream go to waste." Tyler takes the ice cream tub from Sophia and finally tears off the lid. They both dig in and share theirs but Sophia has gave me my own one.

Bless her.

"This should take your mind of things, a nice girly night in."

I manage a small smile between my spoons full of ice cream. "I
hope," I sigh looking downcast. "I need to give my mind a rest, it hurts from so much crying and thinking. I wish I could take my brain out and lock it away for the day ease the pain a little, ha, imagine that."

I look up at them both a
s I come back from day dreaming. "Sorry." I glance into my lap.

"No it’s Okay, just get whatever you want off your chest whenever you feel like."

Tyler’s sympathizes while I know by Sophia's red face she's dying to let one rip on Calvin but instead she presses play on her favorite film for the three of us to watch.
The Notebook.
I swear she wants me to cry even harder.

“Right girls, let all swoon over Mr. Gosling, he’s my future husband you know?”

“What happened to George Clooney, Ty?” I smirk pointing with my spoon.

“Clooney’s my cheeky bit on the side.”

I stare into oblivion for most of the film feeling listless. I have no control over the situation and that's what I hate the most. I want nothing more than to text Calvin. I’ve had so many urges to, but I forced myself to stop. I’ve even written out texts then deleted them again. I know if I text
him once and he ignores me, it would kill me even more.

I watch on as Tyler chuckles to himself while watching Sophia mime every
single word to the film. I can't even manage that. Normally we would sit here secretly recording her on one of our phones but I haven’t got it in me to laugh.

When the film finishes Sophia’s already up on her feet declaring the next activity for us.

"Keeping busy Liv’s, that’s the aim of the game. I have lots of practice. Now, up to my room the both of you while I get the face masks ready."

I look over at Tyler worried.

"Brace yourself." He teases as we get to our feet.

Sophia has a habit of making her own face masks with organic ingredients. She finds them all off the internet and swears by them. They must work giving her that silky smooth flawless complexion of hers. So we do as we’re told and head upstairs.

"
Is it
taking your mind off things Missy?" Tyler asks as he pours us both a glass of wine Sophia has supplied us with. They have banned me from vodka
. God knows I’d abuse it.

We make our self’s comfy the chaise l
ounge Sophia has in her bedroom and I pull her throw over my legs.

"It comes and goes," I shrug taking a long sip of crisp cold white wine.

"I needed that," I nod to myself after the face I make from hating it, looking into the bottom of the glass.

“You know, you might feel better if you have a good chat?”

I disagree. "I don't want to bore you to death by it. I just want to keep it to myself."

Tyler goes into inquisit
ive mode ignoring my preference. "It's the way he finished with you, it was so cruel and way out of character don't you think?" Tyler's thinking to himself rather than speaking to me. Why does he think it’s strange?

“I saw the temper he had in him that day at his apartment when he found out about Mauricio hitting you, but not for one second would I think he would hurt you. Physically or mentally.
It's hard for you because he didn't give you answers did he?"

I nod my head and sigh deeply. It’s so painful to hear the truth. "He said he didn’t love me but the sighs were there. If he didn’t love me then he was a fucking good actor. No wonder he’s so god damn good as poker!”

Tyler fills my glass back up not taking his eyes off me and remains silent leaving space for me to open up.

"I’m finding it so hard to try to come to terms with the fact it’s over. I mean, how can I accept something I don't want to? I never want to forget the happy times we shared. When he gave me this necklace,” I hold the heart pendant between my fingers, “he told me he was giving me his heart, how could he say that? Oh and when he left me he said he would do anything to protect me. I have no idea what that meant. I can't get over something I don’t understand."