Committed to You (13 page)

Lit candles rested in a circle at the center of the room. Slow music played. I couldn’t put my finger on the genre, some sort of new age beat with lyrics sung in low tone so that I couldn’t really make out the words but loved the harmony nonetheless. Evie was positioned on the right of me and Jay on the left. Pipe walked over to the small table five feet in front of us with a tray of four unlit candles and four frames facing down so that I couldn’t see who the pictures were.

“Tonight, we unite together once again on a sad occasion of life. Someone special to our new member has passed away and is now up above looking down on us.” Pipe lifted one of the frames and a paper picture sat inside of it. Someone must have found the image online somehow and printed it off. I did have several pictures of my dad on Facebook. Rest in peace was written at the bottom of the image.

When did they do this?

“The first time we came together was almost ten years ago when our first member Jay asked us to meet in the club house of his old backyard and help him say goodbye to his parents. On that night, Jay brought pictures of them.” Pipe flipped the second frame up. In it was a family portrait of a young Jay hugging his mother and dad. My body tensed as I focused on his mother’s face.

Oh my God, it’s like I’m staring into a mirror.

She had my blue eyes and long blond hair in pretty much the same style. Our body frames were even similar, petite and slim. I heard a gasp and turned my face Evie’s way. She covered her mouth and gaped at the image. She had to be thinking the same thing that I was. His mom and I looked too much alike to not be uncomfortable. I checked Jay’s reaction, but his expression just appeared sad as he stared longingly at his lost parents.

“On that same night, Evie brought a bag of chocolate which is now our traditional food staple.” Pipe gestured to the bowl of candy bars in front of us. “I made sure the spirits were at peace with music and proper ambiance.”

Evie snorted.

“Ignore her, Cynthia. Evie likes to mock my supernatural powers because she will never have this connection with the after world.” He flipped his middle finger at her. “We spent the rest of the evening talking to each other about Jay’s parents and helping him eventually say goodbye. Any questions?”

I grinned. “No.”

“So that was our first initiation. The second was held for me. That evil asshole cancer took my mommy away.” Pipe lifted the next frame. On it was an exotic woman with captivating black hair that looked as if it went on way down to her knees. She stuck her tongue at the camera and gave us all a thumbs up. “Evie thought it would be a good idea to carry on the tradition to help me say farewell. We all wore flapper dresses and danced to 1920s big band music. I bet Mom had a good laugh watching us.”

“I bet she did.” Evie formed her lips into a huge smile. “And then my dad died from a motorcycle accident.”

Pipe turned up the last frame. A dark skinned man with a bald head appeared before us. He wore a military uniform and leaned next to a small gray plane. “Evie’s dad had a thing for logic puzzles. We spent the whole evening drinking a beer that Jay stole from a convenience store as well as attempting to smoke a cigar, which didn’t go well. I threw up. We think Jay might have gotten a small high from it since he kept mooning us for no reason at all. But the best part was Evie kicking all of our butts in those puzzles.”

Jay chuckled. “She kept wiggling her behind and yelling ’In your face, losers!’”

“Dad loved it,” Evie said.

Jay tilted forward and nodded his head at her. “Yeah. I bet he did.”

Pipe clapped his hands to get our attention. “So Cynthia. Come on up to the table and tell us about your dad. Your mom told me earlier today that your dad loved martinis and had just found a love for down tempo music due to dating this new yoga instructor.”

“Huh?” I quirked my eyebrows.

“Well, that part isn’t important, but I made some virgin apple martinis over there. I think we’ve all had enough alcohol for tonight.” Pipe gestured for me to get up. “Come on, Cyn. Tell us about your dad and let us know the best way to say goodbye to him.”

I got up and rubbed my hands together. “I don’t know if anyone would even be interested in the things he loved.”

“Doesn’t matter. This is about you and him,” Evie said.

I covered my face and laughed. “Dad loved puppets. Jim Henson’s Muppets to be exact. He’d wanted to be a puppeteer when he was growing up, got an internship on Sesame Street after college and eventually was offered a marketing position with the corporation. By then, he’d met my mom and she was pregnant with me, so he happily took the job and sort of left the dream of being a puppeteer behind, but he made lots of them in his off time.”

“Puppets?” Pipe flashed me a smile. “I love it. Do you have some of the ones he made?”

“A few, but he never really succeeded at making his own characters. He always created different types of Muppet creatures for me when I was a little girl.”

“Did he make most of the ones you have in your dorm room?” Jay asked.

“Yes. All of them except the Lady Gaga Miss Piggy you gave me for my birthday.” I breathed in and out and took in all of my surroundings. “We don’t really need to do anything for Dad. He’s already happy right now. He has to be. Throughout my childhood, I’d been one of his biggest worries in his life. He always knew something happened to me that I didn’t want to confess, but never knew what. Now he’s probably looking down at all of us and is ecstatic that I have such a great group of friends who somehow picked me to love.”

“No worries.” Pipe winked at me. “You’re easy to love.”

“Thanks.”

“Back off of my man, Cynthia,” Evie muttered.

Pipe laid down next to Evie and rested his head in her lap. “Did your dad love weed?”

Evie slapped his head. “Really?”

I raised one finger. “Actually, he did. I went looking in his office for a pencil to do my paper once in high school and discovered a whole bag of it in his bottom drawer.”

“Did you smoke any?” Pipe raised one of his eyebrows.

“No.” I shook my head. “No way. I just hurried up and put everything the way he’d had it and never told my mom. She would’ve gone crazy if she found out. At least I think she would’ve. They argued about everything and separated the day after I graduated from high school.”

“So they probably stayed together for you?” Jay asked. “That’s good that they cared that much to try and make it work.”

“Yeah.” My dad’s face hit my mind and an ache swelled within my chest.

For the first time since hearing about his death, the significance of Dad never being around again crashed into my heart. They all remained quiet as I lowered myself to the ground and wept. Tears spilled down my face and dotted the top of my shirt. Silent tears. The times we spent together, just Dad and me, played out in my mind—our movie nights when we’d sneak in a few horror movies after Mom went upstairs to go to sleep, the times he took me on the set of Sesame Street and with great excitement pointed everything out and introduced me to his co-workers, and even the day I graduated, when he stared into my eyes and told me that he was very proud of the woman I’d become.

I’ll miss you, Dad.

And so the rest of the night, Evie, Jay, and Pipe held me. We were this cocoon of tangled bodies on the floor. Candlelight flickered out shadows across the blank wall. An herbal fragrance flowed out from them and brightened the mood in the space.

The music continued to play.

Later, Pipe brought out tons of blankets and pillows that he’d collected from all of our rooms and demanded that we all sleep together on the floor. No one disputed it. We’d all been tired from this crazy trip, plus the brownies and liquor we’d consumed. Too much had happened and more was sure to come.

I didn’t think Jay or even Evie had answered their phones when their relatives called. Their families had to realize by now that they’d been avoiding them. Plus we’d all have to deal with everyone at college when we returned to school at the end of the week. Thankfully, Evie, Jay, and Pipe agreed to stay with me until after the funeral. No one said it, but I didn’t think anyone thought it would be a good idea if I was around my uncle again by myself.

What will happen to us?

Evie broke up from our relationship, but still she remained by my side while I mourned my dad. She may not have been with me, yet she sure was committed to us, whatever our quirky group was.

And our kissing? What did that mean? How will it change us?

Once Evie and Pipe fell asleep, worry shivered up my spine. I didn’t close my eyes, scared for this beautiful moment to end. Jay pulled me into his arms and combed his fingers through my hair. “How are you doing?”

“Fine.”

Pipe and Evie both let out soft snores behind us. They’d fallen asleep as soon as we turned off the music and covered ourselves in the blankets.

“I have to tell you something, Jay.”

“What?”

“I kissed Evie.”

“She told me.”

“What else did she say?” I wished I could see his face out in the darkness, but shadows concealed his expression from me.

“She was pretty messed up when she told me so I’m not sure how she felt, but she did say she enjoyed it. At least I think that’s what she said versus the image that immediately came to my head when she confessed it.”

I giggled into his chest. “You would love to watch us make out? Wouldn’t you?”

“Have you seen how hot the both of you are? Any heterosexual man would pay piles of money to see the both of you kiss.”

Sighing, I rubbed the side of his face. A little stubble scraped my skin. “What’s going to happen to us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Evie is gone.”

“I know.” There was pain in his words, thick raw pain. It hurt to hear it.

“But—”

“I’m not breaking up with you just because you can’t have sex,” Jay said. “In fact if I get too sexually frustrated I’ll just come back down here and pound into Uncle Kevin’s face.”

My stomach twisted into knots. Part of me was happy that Jay had hurt him. The other part worried that my uncle wasn’t okay.

How damaged do I have to be to even care about how he’s doing?

“Jay … I noticed something tonight.” I cleared my throat and tried my best to break my realization to him the best way I could.

“What did you notice?”

How do I say this without sounding crazy?

“I look just like your mom,” I said.

“You resemble each other in a way.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I think it’s more than a resemblance. I mean it’s pretty damn close.”

His chest stiffened against me. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m not really sure. I guess I’m just wondering if somehow you think by staying with me you’re trying to save your mom.”

He sucked his teeth. “Now you sound like Pipe.”

“He said that to you?”

“Yeah. Several weeks ago when he first met you he said you reminded him of somebody. Then when we went to the library tonight to print off the pictures, he brought up the fact that you and my mom looked pretty much alike and that maybe I should think about why I keep holding on to you.”

“Have you thought about it?”

“Pipe smokes a lot. He’s not some guru of knowledge, Cyn.”

“Don’t you think it’s odd?”

“Maybe.”

“Jay, really think about it?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not your mom.” I gulped down my fear and hoped he would believe the lie I was going to say. “Because I don’t need to be saved. I’m just fine.”

“I’m not trying to save you.”

“But you are trying to protect me, and I get why. I might’ve dragged you into my longing for someone to be there for me. I had a lot to do with you fitting into this protective mold. But I can’t let you do that anymore. Not with the way you, Evie, and Pipe have taken care of me.”

“This is crazy. Let’s just go to sleep.”

“Why did you stay with me?”

“I care about you.”

“Why didn’t you just give me up for Evie?”

“What? Because … ”

“Because what, Jay? You love me? Do you really?”

“Yes.”

“Not like you love her.”

“Let’s talk about this later.”

“Why do you keep holding onto me?”

“Because it wouldn’t be right to let you go.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re hurt and have been through a lot of messed up stuff.”

“That doesn’t mean you stay in a relationship with me. It means you be my friend.”

He sighed. “Where is all of this coming from?”

“I look like your mom.”

“S-so what?” he stuttered.

“I’m not her.”

He didn’t say anything else.

“You can’t save her or me, Jay, so if that’s what you’re trying to do, you need to stop.”

No response came from him.

“And while you try to protect and save me, you’re losing the one person that you’ve always been afraid to love.”

“You can’t have anymore of Pipe’s ecstatic brownies,” he attempted a joke, but neither of us laughed. “You’re getting too serious.”

“No one has ever given me the love, support, and attention like you, Evie, and Pipe. You three are special and right about everything in this world. You three make me feel loved and I am addicted to being around all of you.”

“Good,” he muttered.

“I realized something tonight, when Evie took me away from the house. No matter what, she’ll be there for me. Even when I get in the way of her heart, she’ll still protect me.”

“That’s Evie.”

“I can’t just keep taking and taking from you and her, and not giving back in return.”

“You haven’t taken anything.”

“I’ve taken it all from you, Jay, but now I’m going to give it back.”

He sighed. “And what are you giving me back?”

“Evie.”