Commitment: The Beauty in Between (A Beautiful Series Novella) (3 page)

Finally, we eat and it’s acceptable to leave. While it was
great seeing Elliot again and getting the chance to talk to him like we were
friends, I still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable.

Paige obviously wasn’t either. After she met me, she
disappeared for over an hour. She obviously wishes I wasn’t there too.

I’m relieved to get in the car and head home. I just want to
curl up on the sofa with my man and forget this day ever happened.

Looking out the window, I’m quietly gathering my thoughts
after such an uncomfortable day. David is quiet too. I suspect that he’s as
worn out as I am.

“You’re very quiet. Everything ok?” David asks me, glancing
briefly in my direction as he focuses on the road ahead.

“I’m fine. That was just really awkward. Elliot looked at me
like I had two heads and I think Paige hates me,” I return, looking out the
window at the passing scenery.

“Baby girl, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Yes it was,” I grumble. “Then on top of that, everyone’s
asking why we aren’t married yet. I wish they’d mind their own business.”

Pressing his lips together, David lets out a heavy sigh.
“Listen Trina, you can’t blame them. We’ve been engaged for nearly two years.
Even I thought we’d be married by now.”

“I know, but work – ”

“Work is full-on – I know. But, so is mine. I don’t
understand why you keep putting it off.”

“I’m not putting it off,” she argues, her voice rising
defensively.

“Well who is then?” There’s an accusation in my words as I
challenge her comment.

I’m met with silence and it stays that way for the rest of
the drive home. The radio is playing, but I don’t really feel like humming
along, or even listening to it. I’m actually pretty pissed off.

I know in my heart that Trina and I are meant to be
together. For me, she’s always been the one. She’s the only relationship I’ve
ever wanted.

Although seeing her today, the way she was so nervous about
what her ex and his family and friends would think of her - really bothered me.

I think over the day, and I keep seeing how she smiled and
laughed once she and Elliot got over that initial awkwardness from seeing each
other again. It was as if the rest of the group wasn’t even there. I stood by
having nothing much to add to the conversation and I really hated it.

It makes me wonder if she feels as destined to be with me as
I do with her. It makes me doubt us.

I park the car in the underground garage and get out. I wait
for Trina, but I walk a step ahead of her, as we make our way to the lift that
will take us upstairs to our apartment.

When I open the door, she steps inside first out of habit
and I follow, immediately turning left and entering our home office.

“You want a drink or something?” she asks, like nothing has
happened and everything is normal, as she heads towards the kitchen.

“No thank you. I have some work to do,” I say and close the
door of the office behind me.

I’m working for maybe 10 minutes before she comes in looking
for me.

“Listen, about today, I’m sorry, ok? It was all just really
weird for me,” she informs me. I’m glad she’s recognising that I’m annoyed. But
she’s only addressing her feelings. What about me?

“Don’t you think it was weird for me too?” I shoot back, turning
around in the desk chair to face her. “You used to love this guy. How do you
think going there made me feel? How do you think standing there while you two
caught up and had a great time felt?”

She plays with the corner of the bookcase and drops her
eyes. “I wasn’t having a great time.” She says quietly. “I wish we didn’t go.”

“Why do you wish we didn’t go Trina? Because it reminded you
how much you still like Elliot? Because people actually expected that you could
possibly be married by now? Or - do you wish you just didn’t go there with me?”

“Of course not. None of that’s true. Why would you think I
wouldn’t want to go there with you? Why would you think that I’m still
attracted to Elliot? I don’t see him like that anymore!”

“Then why did we have to go? Those people are nobody to us.
Kathy is your mum’s friends not ours. We could have just said no.”

“But she invited us herself. We go to every other BBQ she
puts on. I didn’t think this one should be any different. I didn’t think we
should be rude.”

“Who gives a fuck if they think we’re rude? Just admit you
wanted to see him again!”

“It’s not like that” she argues “I promise you I don’t feel
anything for him anymore.”

“Then marry me Trina. Let’s runaway. We’ll go to Vegas.
We’ll go to Hawaii - anywhere we can get married straight away. Let’s just go,  get
married, and fuck everybody else. Please. I’m tired of waiting.”

“No David. I don’t want to do that.”

“You don’t want to run away or you don’t want to get
married?”

She hesitates a little and suddenly my stomach turns sour and,
my world starts to cave in.

“Answer really carefully Trina,” I caution, dreading what’s
about to come out of her mouth. When she responds with an open mouth that moves
with the shapes of words she’s too afraid to say, my hand fly up and grip
either side of my head. “Oh my God. You don’t even want to get married do you?
That’s why you keep putting it off! You don’t even want to fucking get
married.”

I start pacing the floor, completely disbelieving of what’s
going on with us right now.

“I…I do… I just…”

“Just what Trina?! Just what?”

“I…I don’t know?”

“Holy fuck! Why the hell did you even say yes then? Oh my
god. I can’t believe this!” I grab my keys off the desk and move past her. “Fuck!”
I yell as I storm out the door. I need some fresh air.

Shit, shit, shit
. I’ve just screwed this up so badly.

One barbecue. One stupid barbecue and everything just falls
apart. I knew we shouldn’t have gone. I should have listened to my gut.

But why did I go? Why did we both go? I guess for me, I felt
like I had to because Kathy asked me directly. I was over at mums having coffee
and she and Kathy had played a tennis match earlier that day. Kathy was raving
on and on about how excited she was that Elliot was coming back, and that he
was bringing Paige and baby Grace.

She said that they were going to throw a big barbecue to
welcome them home, and that she’d love it if we could all come. She even took
me by my hands and specifically said that she’d love it if I could make it. I felt
like I had to say yes – how could I say no?

On top of that, I guess I was curious. I had only seen
photos of Paige and I really wanted to meet her. I wanted to meet the girl who
Elliot was happy to chase around the world. But it wasn’t about me. It was
never about me.

David didn’t take the news very well, obviously he didn’t
want to go and really, I don’t blame him. While he and Elliott had come to an
understanding when I was dating Elliott, they’ve never actually spoken since I
David and I got together.

All my life, it’s always been David. I loved him for so
long, but there came a point where I resigned myself to just being his friend.
I was ok with that. As long as he was in my life, I could handle anything.

When I got hurt and David saved me, he became my world. It
would have been so easy to turn our friendship into something more then, but I
kind of felt as though he felt sorry for me and my pride took a big hit.

I guess I pushed him away back then. I forced him to stay at
an arm’s length. There were little things that he’d do, that when I look back
now, made it really obvious that he wanted more from me. He made innuendos, he
touched me more than normal and he tried to tell me how he was feeling, but I
know I didn’t let him. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want the reason we got together
to be laced with the pain of what Christopher had done to me. I needed to find
myself again first.

Then I met Elliot. There was this great attraction between
us and it was the first time I was ready to act on my feelings. David took it
all really badly. I confronted him. More than once I confronted him. Secretly,
I just wanted him to say ‘because I’m in love with you.” I wanted that so much,
whether I admitted that to myself at the time or not. In my heart, all I’ve
ever wanted was for David to love me, but still, he said nothing.

I think the reason I threw myself into the relationship with
Elliot was because I was so lost without David. We had gone to being a constant
in each other’s lives to not talking at all, and I felt like I had this great
gaping hole inside me. I think I used Elliot to fill that hole. We were never
right for each other. Even when Elliot and I did break up, the one thing that
had me crying the most – was that I didn’t have David to hold me and tell me
everything would be alright.

When everything finally came to a head, it was as if the
stars had finally decided to line up for us. We were meant to be. I always knew
we were meant to be.

I still get shivers down my spine when I think about the
moment he told me he loves me. Every time he says it, it fills me up. It lifts
me up and carries me through my days.

I need to speak to him. He has to understand. I want him.
I’ll always want him.

Picking up my phone, I press the picture of his beautiful
face to call him. But, it goes straight to voicemail.

You know who you called, leave a message. I’ll call you
back.

“David. Please call me. Come home. I love you.”

“So you had a fight. It’s not the first one and it certainly
won’t be the last,” my mother says from across the table. Her partner, Alex,
comes over with steaming mugs of coffee for all of us.

“Here you go mate,” he says as he places it in front of me. He
kisses my mother on the top of her head as he takes the seat next to her, and
they share an intimate smile.

I really like Alex. He’s been living with my mother for a
little over a year now. They started dating not long after me and Trina moved
out together. I’m glad my mother found someone. She has given herself
wholeheartedly to me as a mother, and it’s about time she focused on her own
happiness - even if I am here whining about my own.

“But she doesn’t want to marry me. What’s the point of being
together if we aren’t going to get married?” I complain.

“Well, Alex and I aren’t exactly planning on marrying any
time soon. We’ve both been down that road before. Living together has all the
benefits of marriage, without any of the legal ownership,” she explains.

“Ownership? That’s how you see marriage – as owning each
other?” I frown. I had never thought of it like that at all.

“Well, yeah. Marriage changes things David. People talk like
it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s not. It’s an institution.”

“Yeah, a mental one,” Alex laughs and my mum joins in.

I shake my head disbelievingly. “I can’t believe you two.
What is wrong with getting married? I don’t want to own her. I love her and I want
to be legally joined with her for the rest of my life. I don’t see what’s wrong
with that. “

My mum reaches across the table and pats my hand. “There’s
nothing wrong with it honey. But you both have to want it for the same reasons.
Go home and talk to her. Give her time to explain instead of stomping off in a
huff.”

When I hear the lock turn in the door, I stand immediately.
He’s home.

“You came back,” I say.

“Of course I came back,” he tells me, dropping his keys on
the hall table.

“Can we talk?” I ask. He nods his response and I incline my
head toward the couch. He comes and sits beside me. “Did you go to your mums?”

“Yeah. I needed someone to talk to.”

“You could have stayed and talked to me.”

“I was too angry. I needed to cool down and make sense of everything.”

“Fair enough.”

He’s clearly agitated. He won’t sit back comfortably.
Instead, he’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees as he bounces his foot
vigorously.

“Can you just tell me exactly why you don’t want to get
married?” he asks focusing on his hands as he clasps them in the space between
his knees.

“It’s not even that David. I do want to get married. It’s
just that there’s so much I want to do first. I want to have a career. I want
to make sure we can afford something wonderful. I want it to be special. Not
some slap-dash thing we do because we feel like we have to.

“And I’m a little scared. Part of the reason I felt so
strange today was because I was freaked out by everyone getting married and
having kids so suddenly. I mean - what if I had stayed with Elliot? Would I be
a stay at home mum by now too? I want to make partner someday David. How am I
going to do that married with kids?”

“Getting married isn’t going to stop you from making
partner.”

“Says the man in the relationship. The women who are
partners in my office are well into their forty’s when they get there, and they
either don’t have kids or had them after they made it.”

“So you want to have kids when you’re forty? What if that’s
too late?”

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. What if we decide we
don’t want kids?”

“Are you serious? But, we’ve spoken about life with kids
before. I thought we were on the same page.”

“And what page is that?”

“Get married, set ourselves up with a house and a solid
career and then have kids.”

“David. How am I going to plan a wedding, then be a mother
and
have a solid career?”

“Plenty of women do it Trina. My own mother did it.”

“I know she did David. And I admire how she’s always managed
to juggle work and family. But she’s a counsellor David. You know how
competitive our industry is. You work at a much bigger firm than I do. Out of
all the partners, how many are women?”

“I don’t know. A couple.” I concede. “But Trina, that means
nothing. If you want to make partner you work hard and go for it. Kids or not.
I’m not even interested in being a partner. I couldn’t give a fuck about that.
If you need to work to make it, then I’ll do all the kids’ stuff. We’re a team.
We don’t have to be traditional. Having kids doesn’t mean your career is
finished.”

“Oh god, why are we arguing about kids? I don’t even know if
I want them!”

“Seriously? I can’t believe you don’t want kids?!”

“I don’t know, but I definitely don’t want them yet. We have
to be married first and to do that we need…” I stop speaking. I don’t want to
talk about this anymore.

He blows out a steady breath and rubs his fingertips across
his temple. “Need what?”

I shake my head quickly from side to side. I’m not willing
to speak the words. It’s all too ridiculous.

“Shit Trina,” he says, swiping his hand down his face.
“You’re making it sound like getting married and having a family with me is
going to ruin your life.”

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t believe that.”

“Will you please set a date then?”

“I can’t. The wedding can’t happen yet.”

“Why? Why can’t it happen?”

“It… It just can’t ok. Certain things have to be in place
and they’re not. We can’t get married yet!”

“Alright,” he says getting up from the couch. Don’t tell me.
That’s fine. You can have your career. Your secrets – whatever. But you’d
better give me the ring back. I can’t imagine being engaged is helping your
career options either.” His face is dead serious as he holds out his hand. I
look from the ring to his hand, to his face. I think my heart just stopped
beating.