Come What May (Heartbeat) (12 page)

“Probably not.” I nearly choke on my response. It rings so false.

“Too bad you don’t believe it, because it’s true.” She gets up from the table and starts cleaning up. “Just like you wouldn’t want me blaming myself for shooting Lizzie’s father. But I do blame myself. I always will. No matter what anyone says, I still shot a man.”

Her back is to me but there’s a sense of camaraderie in displaying our battle scars. Only a warrior can understand another. She’s in the trenches now. She knows what it’s like to stand on the precipice between life and death. To have the power to tip the balance is a heady thing. She gets it. She’s dealing with her own trial by fire. And have I even asked her how she was doing? No. As usual, I’m too consumed with myself.

“Come here, Jada.” I open my arms to her, and she looks like she’s ready to crumble. Shuffling her feet, she moves across the tiled floor and into my embrace. Placing her on my lap, I bury my face in her hair. She curls up against my chest. And right now, I’m not thinking about Katie. I’m thinking about Jada.

Chapter Twenty
Jada

I’m tangled beneath Adam’s sheets as a ray of sunlight cuts through the partially closed blinds and across my face. Ugh, my head is throbbing. How much did I have to drink last night? Apparently, too much…

I roll over onto my back and stretch out. And it confirms my suspicion that I’m in bed alone. Where the hell is Adam? Curled up on that itty-bitty couch? I’m such a bitch for taking over his room like this.

But honestly, I don’t remember much of what happened after we left the kitchen table. Adam brought out a bottle of tequila as we moved onto his back porch to get intoxicated and banish the bad karma we created by bringing up the past. It’s always a dangerous territory to visit, especially when alcohol’s involved.

I’m still wearing my crazy get-up. The socks are down to my ankles and I pull them up as I swing my legs over the side. It’s time to get up whether I want to or not. I don’t really feel like going home to Simone and her boy toy, but I don’t think I can stay here another night either. It would be too significant, a boundary we’re not ready to cross.

As I get to my feet, the door bursts open and Adam barges in without even knocking. “C’mon, get dressed. We’re going hiking.” He rushes by me, ignoring my tangled hair and drowsy face. He searches through his closet and leaves with jeans and a t-shirt still on the hangers.

“Wait. What?” I call out to him, but my only answer is the closing of the bathroom door.

I am so not in the mood to go tramping through the woods right now. What the hell is he thinking? Like we’re going to go on some nature quest or something? Padding across the carpet, I open the dryer and remove my wrinkled uniform. Nothing makes me feel worse than looking like shit and that’s exactly where I’m headed. Groaning, I grab my purse and retreat to Adam’s room to try to make the best of things.

The faucet’s running so no doubt Adam’s shaving or brushing his teeth. I don’t have much time to improve myself. Hastily, I button my top and tuck it into my rumpled pants. Running a brush through my hair, I work through the knots and tie it back in a ponytail. Damn it. I only have lip gloss and a foundation compact in my cosmetics bag, and I can really use some eyeliner and mascara. I have nothing to camouflage my bloodshot eyes and barely-there lashes. But I guess
au naturale
it is.

There’s movement on the other side of the wall and Adam calls out, “Are you ready?” What…we’re not even going to eat breakfast? And I could seriously go for some Excedrin. This boy is too much sometimes.

I exit the room and he’s standing there holding two gigantic bottles of water. Just the thought of having to pee in the woods makes me want to run away in his Neon. And just how far are we going if we’re going to need that much hydration to get there? I don’t even want to consider the possibilities.

“There’s a spot I want to show you that I think you’re going to love.” He’s excited as we march down the steps and into the morning air. After yesterday’s rain, the atmosphere is saturated. The humidity is oppressive and we haven’t even left the driveway. There’s nothing I’d like better than to flee back into the air-conditioned apartment, but I’m his guest…and his partner…and he’s obviously jacked-up about taking me to some isolated vista that I could care less about. But life’s a give and take, and I didn’t have to sleep on the couch. I owe him one.

“This way.” He motions me under an overhanging tree branch that’s covered in droplets from the night before. As I step onto the trail, my shoe gets sucked down into a patch of mud. I yank it free and it’s covered up to my ankle. I hate being dirty. Gritting my teeth, I follow behind him.

For a good twenty minutes, we don’t talk. The birds call out from the trees around us. Squirrels scamper through the underbrush. Mosquitoes bite the hell out of me. Clusters of frizz are gathering around my shiny face. I have never felt so gross before. Everything feels like it’s sticking to me—the dirt, the haze, the desperation.

“How much farther do we have to go?” I grumble as he plods on ahead of me. There’s a giant sweat stain on his back, so at least I’m not the only one suffering with the heat. Why in the world he wants to do this boggles my mind.

“Just over that ridge there.” He points to a steep, rocky incline in the distance. He’s got to be kidding me.

“We have to climb that?” I make my disbelief readily apparent.

“It’s not that bad. Trust me.” He looks over his shoulder and gives me a wink.

“Famous last words.” He laughs at my remark but keeps going. The level of my water bottle is half empty. Conservation is the best bet against a full bladder. But I push the unpleasant thought from my mind. I’ll hold it for as long as it takes. No way am I crouching behind a tree while Adam stands there. We’re not even close to being that intimate…or familiar…or whatever term defines our ever-shifting relationship.

We reach the base and Adam shuffles up to a rock that’s jutting out the side. He extends his hand, urging me to follow. The soles of my shoes are still muddy and I slip as I attempt to gain some sort of traction to begin my ascent. He steadies me with his grip, but we’re only about two feet off the ground. It’s going to be even more perilous the higher we climb.

Sweating, I wipe my brow with the back of my hand. We’re in a bit of a clearing that abuts the side of the hill, and the sun is glaring down mercilessly. Adam’s face is red with exertion, but he doesn’t stop. Little by little, we trek to the top. I refuse to look down. Heights are not my strong suit and crawling up the side of a giant dirt pile without the proper equipment—or footgear—is certainly asking for trouble.

The black polyester fabric of my uniform is plastered against every curve of my body. It’s even more uncomfortable than yesterday when it was soaking wet with rain. What I wouldn’t give for a brief shower to cool us off a bit. This has to be the hottest day of the summer so far.

My fingers dig into the surface as I search for leverage in order to hoist myself up. Some parts are unstable as the dust cakes away and travels down the cliff. “Can you make it?” I glance up and see Adam staring down at me from above. His voice sends currents of frustration through every nerve. How can he be so jubilant when this whole situation totally sucks?

I grab onto a random tuft of grass or moss or something and use every bit of arm strength I possess to propel my torso over the top. Kicking my legs, I scramble across the surface as Adam pulls me to my feet. Huffing, I lean over and attempt to wipe the dirt off my pants, but for the most part it refuses to budge. Great, this uniform is destroyed—another check in the loss column.

“You have to see this. It’ll make it all worth it. I promise.” Adam takes my hand and guides me to the opposite side of the hill. Stretching for miles around is pure wilderness. A waterfall cascades down into a basin rimmed with ferns. There are hints of pink, purple, and yellow through the lush expanse as wildflowers dot the landscape. The whole scene is utterly breathtaking.

“How did you ever find this?” I don’t give too much away, but he knows that I like it. By now, he’s able to read me pretty well.

“I get bored sitting in the apartment by myself. So whenever I get the chance, I explore these woods and see what I can find.” His admission of loneliness along with his lopsided grin makes my heart contract. There’s so much going on beneath the surface with him. And that’s why I can never get enough. I desire more. I want him to share everything with me—every dark secret, every secluded place.

But I’m unsure of where this is going. Is he trying to open up or just making idle conversation? Whatever it is, it’s not enough for me. I crouch, hanging my legs over the side. A cool breeze issues from the waterfall. Its hypnotic rhythm is so relaxing. I can stretch out right here and fall asleep. I lean back on my elbows and close my eyes against the sun. So I’m startled when something smacks me in the face.

It’s Adam’s t-shirt. He’s standing before me in nothing but his jeans. “Care for a swim, Jada?” Laughing, he peers over the edge. All I see are the broad lines of his back. It doesn’t get any sexier than that.

“You’re going to jump into that tiny little pool of water?” My pulse is racing, but somehow I keep my voice steady.

“No, we’re going to climb down together. But you’re going to have to lose some of that clothing first.” His gaze runs across the length of my body, and I’m on fire.

“If you think I’m going to strip down…”

I shut up when I realize he’s bending over me. “Well, you can rid yourself of these muddy shoes for starters.” He undoes the laces and gently slips them off. My breathing gets heavy when his fingers slide up to remove my sock. He doesn’t stop there. On his knees before me, his touch glides up my leg as he rolls the cuff of my pants.

“That takes care of the bottom half. Now what about the top?” I ask brazenly. I’m fighting to regain control of the situation, but it’s a lost cause.

He pulls me up with him, and our bodies are so close together. He grips my waist and I start to get dizzy. Drawing me in, I’m surprised when he tugs at the fabric of my shirt, untucking it in a series of quick motions. His actions cause my chest to rub against his. My legs get shaky and I think I’m going to have to grab onto him for support. But I resist and somehow keep my hands to myself. Slowly, he unfastens the last two buttons and ties the shirt at my waist. His fingertips linger over the exposed skin of my midriff. His touch is driving me wild. I can’t take much more of this.

Stepping back, I feel so exposed even though I’m not showing that much skin. He’s practically naked in front of me and he doesn’t seem embarrassed at all. It’s like he wanted to bring me to some secluded spot in order to seduce me. Was this his plan all along? I’m so confused. Nothing is ever clear with him. It’s impossible to figure out what’s going through his mind and why he’s practically taking off my clothes in the middle of the woods.

And that’s the problem. I kind of like it. His unpredictability keeps me guessing, and I’ve never been so turned on. I’m practically panting before him, wishing his hands would explore every inch of me. But for some reason, it seems like there’s an invisible barrier separating us. He teases me but doesn’t take it further. And all that does is make me want him more. I’m not the type to pursue a guy, but I’d put myself out there for him if I knew that was what he was after. But what if it’s not? We do have to work together, and things can get really awkward between us if I’m wrong.

A shadow of a frown crosses his face when he sees me back away from him. Whatever was happening in that moment is over—I can’t tell if he’s disappointed or relieved. His chest rises and falls as he clenches his fists. The sheer masculine beauty of his sculpted torso is right in front of me. Yet he appears so fragile. Like one hasty word from me will break him. We’re so close. If only I knew his true intentions. Is he just playing with me or is he after something more?

“C’mon, let’s cool off.” But I can’t allow myself to get that close to him again. My thoughts scatter just picturing him against me in the water. With my inhibitions lowered, I’ll be too tempted. If I let down my guard and give into him, I’ll only regret it later when he acts like nothing’s changed between us.

“Nah, you go ahead. I’m just going to stick my feet in.” The creases in his brow deepen, but I don’t stop. “If I have any hope of salvaging this uniform, I don’t think it’ll take any more wear and tear.” It’s the lamest excuse ever, but it’s all I have to go with.

“Suit yourself.” He’s pissed as he makes his way down the rocky incline. He doesn’t even wait for me. What girl wouldn’t want to fool around with him in the water after all that? Who would ever turn him down?

Only me.

Chapter Twenty-One
Adam

Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover it.

After a quick dip in the pond and a tense walk back through the woods, I don’t know what to do with myself. Having Jada at my place isn’t making it any easier. She undid the tie in her shirt, but the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips is burned into my brain. Tromping through the trail, all I wanted to do was turn around and take her against a tree. How am I going to survive being around her for another night?

Opening the front door, I yank the mail out of the box and the envelope on top of the pile catches my attention. The return address is from my brother, Brian, but it’s written in a fancy calligraphy script and the weight of the stationary feels expensive. What the hell is this?

Charging past Jada up the steps, I fling the rest of the mail onto the table before ripping it open. Jada closes the door, eying me warily, but I’m too distracted to notice. It’s what I feared—my brother’s getting married.

Grasping the back of a chair, I try to steady myself. This can’t be happening.

***

After Katie’s accident, I was a wreck. Brian knew it so he came up with his girlfriend, Kelly, to help get me back on my feet. He thought his brotherly support was just what I needed to pull myself together. Little did he know it was the worst thing he could have done.

While they were staying with me, he telecommuted to his job, emailing documents and taking meetings with clients over the phone. Kelly was on sabbatical from her job as a teaching assistant in order to finish off her doctorate in psychology. They worked side by side at my kitchen table for the better part of a week. Brian monitored my liquor intake and Kelly cooked for us every night. We were like one big happy family until Brian had to leave for an overnight trip with his boss that couldn’t be rescheduled.

Kelly wasn’t as strict with how much alcohol I consumed. We were snowed in and she was jittery about Brian having to be on the road in a blizzard. So in order to calm her down, I got her drunk. I always sort of had a crush on her. She was the sexy older woman who somehow had the hots for my brother. I’m not going to lie. I fantasized about being with her.

She started spilling her guts about how Brian refused to take their relationship to the next level. How they’d been living together for years yet he still balked at putting a ring on her finger. Refilling her glass, I placed my arm around her as she sobbed into my shoulder. It didn’t take long for my lips to find hers, and soon she was grabbing my hair and pulling me down on top of her. We made out on the couch for a while until things got more heated and we ended up in my bedroom. We had downed an entire bottle of Jack Daniels between the two of us. She was lonely and fed up with my brother. I was distraught after the accident and looking for comfort. We had sex, but we were each thinking about someone else when we did.

When a massive gust of wind rattled the windows, she sat up in alarm, muttering about the roads…about Brian…about having too much to drink. She wandered into the bathroom and locked the door. But I could hear her whispering over and over, “What have I done? What have I done?”

I thought fooling around with her would take my mind off my problems. But all it did was make things worse. I stayed in my bed and dreamed of the girl I couldn’t have, and Kelly cried herself to sleep on the couch.

When Brian finally made it back around three o’clock in the morning, Kelly was waiting for him. She had all their stuff packed, and made some excuse about receiving a call from their landlord that the water heater in their apartment burst and that they needed to assess the damage as soon as possible. He was dead tired, and the last thing he wanted was to get back on the road. But she said that she would drive and he could sleep on the way. He wanted to wake me up and tell me they were leaving, but Kelly said she left a note and that they should let me rest because I had finally settled down after having another nightmare. Somehow he bought her concocted story, and they left in the middle of the night.

I haven’t really talked to either of them since. The next day I texted Brian to see if they made it home okay, and he sent me a reply apologizing for walking out on me and that it didn’t even turn out to be their apartment. But the communication between the two of us dwindled in the months that followed. He was constantly traveling for his job, and I felt too guilty for what I did to keep in touch.

He didn’t even tell me he was getting married. And that’s when I knew for sure that Kelly must have told him. She used our indiscretion as the ultimate motivational tool to get Brian to walk down the aisle. Because what guy wants to be one-upped by his little brother? How she managed to pull that off I have no idea. Maybe she was using me all along and I was just too dumb to realize it. But what the hell is wrong with my brother for wanting to spend the rest of his life with a woman like that?

***

“What is it?”

Jada’s voice pulls me back to the present and how much I stand to lose if she finds out about what went on between Kelly and me. It’s one thing to hook up with some random girl, but it’s a completely different story to have had sex with your brother’s soon-to-be wife. That’s something I don’t even think Jada can forgive. Whatever’s going on between us has no chance of surviving a revelation like that.

“My brother’s getting married next month.” Keeping things short and to the point, I hope she doesn’t ask a million questions about it.

“So soon? What’s the rush?” She laughs in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Is it a shotgun wedding?”

Something about her comment makes the hair on my arms stand on end. Mentally, I start calculating the time that has elapsed since their visit in February. Almost six months? Is it possible? My stomach starts to churn.

Since Katie’s accident, I’ve done a good job of shutting my family out of my life. I never return my parents’ calls. I never visit my childhood home just outside of Philadelphia. I stopped talking to Brian. But surely, I would’ve heard something.

“Jada, can you excuse me for a moment? I have to make a call.” If my earlier reaction didn’t alarm her, this certainly will. I try to keep my voice light but fail miserably. I nearly bark at her to get out of the room.

“Sure, I…” Her downcast look eats me up. I can’t stand having to lie to her.

“Never mind, I’ll go outside. You stay in the air conditioning. Get something to drink out of the fridge, okay?” She nods, but I’m going to have some explaining to do when I get back. Damn it.

I pound down the steps, and the heat hits me in the face the minute I blow through the door. Not even stopping as I hit the pavement, I dial Brian’s cell number. After four rings, he doesn’t answer and I’m sent to voice mail.

“Hey Bri, it’s me. Listen, I got your invitation. What a surprise, man. I’m sorry I didn’t hear about it sooner. When you get a chance, call me, okay?”

Hanging up, I try his home number. I don’t care if Kelly answers. Something is definitely up. Brian’s cell phone is practically attached to his body. He always picks up every single call, even if he’s in the middle of another one. Why is he avoiding me? What did Kelly tell him? I need answers, and she’s going to give them to me.

I’m already half a mile away from the apartment. It’s no longer in view, so I slow my pace a little. Beads of sweat are forming on my brow, and whatever enjoyment I experienced with Jada back on the ridge has already dissipated. She may be unattainable now, and not just because she’s my partner. I may have screwed up beyond the point of being able to set things right.

It’s hard to breathe as I hit the call button. What Kelly has to say will irrevocably change my future. I pray with all my might that my suspicions are wrong. Please God, this can’t be happening. Not now. Not after I’ve met Jada.

***

I return to the apartment and Jada’s sitting on the couch watching TV. She’s changed into another one of my shirts. It’s hanging below her knees and her hair is wet. She must have taken a shower. Just the thought of her being so at home here makes me want to scoop her up and carry her back to my bedroom. But unfortunately the expression on my face is telegraphing a different story.

“Everything okay?” She starts to get up, but I throw my weary body in the space next to hers, sinking into the cushion. My weight causes her to slide against me and she doesn’t move away. She keeps staring at me with those soulful eyes.

“Yeah.” My response is terse. I’m in no mood to elaborate.

She turns off the TV with the remote and fixes her full attention on me. She tilts her head, as if contemplating whether or not to say something. My shampoo smells incredible on her. She’s wearing my clothes, sleeping in my bed, getting naked in my bathroom…and it’s killing me inside. I haven’t even kissed her. Yet these last two days were going so well until the past intervened to overshadow it all.

“Take me to this wedding.” Her command throws me off guard. It’s the last thing I’m expecting from her. She playfully punches me in the shoulder. “It looks like you’re going to require some backup, and who better to provide it than your lovely partner?”

Her dimples are showing as she smiles at me. In one swift move, I could have her on my lap and be kissing those pouty lips. I want to do nothing but escape into her for a while and leave all of this behind me. But I’m tired of running. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere, except into trouble.

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea, Jada. There’s a lot going on with my family right now, and I don’t want you getting stuck in the middle of it.” I run a hand over my head, hoping that she’ll back off, but my hesitation only fuels her desire to accompany me to what is sure to be a disaster in the making.

“You think I’m scared of a little family drama after all that I’ve told you about mine?” She laughs at me like I’m insane. “Boy, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m going with you and that’s that.”

It pains me to have to hurt her, but she has no clue what’s raging beneath the surface of the calm demeanor I’m trying to maintain. The more she pushes me on this, the more likely I am to crack. She’s baiting me into revealing something I’d rather keep hidden from her.

“Damn it, Jada. That’s enough.” I jump off the couch as she reaches for my arm, but I shrug her off. The notion of her comforting me is simply wrong. I don’t deserve her compassion. I don’t deserve her, period.

Standing behind me at the window, she rubs my back. I clench the frame as I feel the soft touch of her fingertips through the material of my shirt. I shiver and her breath catches. Gently, she pries my hands away from the window and settles them on her hips. Her hands move across my chest and I tremble again. This is what I’ve desired, but I’m about to be denied. Rising on her tiptoes, her hands encircle my neck, pulling me into an embrace. I lift her up, pressing her against me. She feels so good, so right.

“What is it, Adam? Tell me,” she whispers and I close my eyes as I rest my cheek on her wet hair. Why does life have to be so cruel? Right when I’m on the verge of being pulled out of the abyss, fate steps in and plunges me back in. Despite my determination to remain strong, it’s too much to bear. A shudder rips through my body. I slowly release her and collapse against the wall with my head in my hands. Large, ugly sobs echo from deep inside of me. She kneels and begins stroking my hair, urging me to let it out, telling me that it’s going to be okay. But hearing her, something shatters within me.

“Jada, I’m going to be a father.” Laying my brokenness before her, she flinches when my red-rimmed eyes meet hers. “Brian’s fiancée is pregnant with my baby.”