Come Sit By Me (15 page)

I was replaying every moment of the evening in my head, and found that thinking about it still gave me a hard on. The memory would probably be useful for years. But of course I said, “Sure. What?”

“How did it feel?”

I turned my head and stared at her. “You mean…tonight?”

“Oh, not the sex,” she said. She looked at me and smiled. “You gave me a pretty good idea how
that
felt. And I had a good time too, by the way. As you probably noticed.”

“So what then?”

“I mean…maybe you don't want to talk about it, but they say it's a good idea. To talk about it, I mean.”

I knew what she meant. I didn't want to talk about it. I had talked about it with the school counselor, and didn't like it. It was what everybody thought about when they saw me at school. I didn't like that either.

“It happened so fast,” I said. “I don't really remember.”

For a little while, she didn't say anything. She just concentrated on driving. The headlights of the car lit up the road ahead of us. But beyond their beams was still darkness. All around. I was never afraid of the dark before, but I was thinking of Caleb and North.

Her voice jolted me out of my thoughts. “Was it really an accident?”

I could feel my balls pull up high. A defense mechanism. I knew what she meant. I didn't have to tell her, because she probably knew already.

Finally she broke the silence and said, “I didn't tell you this, but one time I noticed Cale looking at North. It was in the lunchroom, and they weren't even at the same table. But it struck me as strange because Cale looked almost like he was in love with him. With North.”

“Yeah,” I said.
Sounded right
.

“You found the USB drive,” she said. She knew it. No sense in me denying it.

“Yeah,” I said.

“And North was in it?”

I nodded. She was smart. She would have guessed.

“And he was afraid you'd tell?”

“He liked to take care of details,” I said. “Loose ends.”

“Nobody ever understood how Cale could have gotten those guns,” she said, figuring it all out. “But why would North have done it?”

How could I tell her that North had talked poor dumb Caleb into killing seven people just because he wanted to be quarterback of the football team? That North played with their lives? And because I had found out, he was going to kill me too, without any more emotion than he had killing turkeys? And that the only way I could stop him was to kill him.

“He had reasons,” I said. “But they don't make much sense.”

“But it was Cale who did the shooting?”

“Yes. And then North shot him.”

She was silent for a while, taking it all in.

“And so…” she said, putting it all together, “He was going to shoot you.”

“Right.”

“Why did you go with him?”

“I don't know. I wanted to get it over with.”

“I see,” she said, so quietly that I could hardly hear her. “Well, you were brave.” She glanced at me.

“You know,” I said, “I think really I didn't want to go around for the rest of my life knowing North's secret. What he'd done. I'd always be afraid of getting shot in the back.”

After a while she asked, “Did Cale write about me?”

It took me a few seconds to decide what to say, and then because I had hesitated, I figured she already knew the answer: “Yes.”

“And if I had helped him with his book, would that have…changed what he did?”

It seemed too crazy to tell her yes, and I wasn't sure myself if that was the answer. North was so evil, and the evil was so strong. Could just a little bit of kindness have overcome it?

“No,” I said firmly. “I don't think it would have changed anything.”

“You shouldn't feel guilty,” she said, trying to return the favor by comforting me as well.

That's what we told each other.

I'm here at a college on the West Coast now. I don't think I'll mention which one. Terry got into Harvard, where she's doing well. We emailed each other for a while, but now not so much. You know how it is. She has a lot of new people on her Facebook page. Some of them guys. You know how it is.

I still see Caleb from time to time. My roommate Scott thinks I'm a little crazy, because I keep jumping up and moving around whenever Caleb appears. I told Scott I have restless leg syndrome. If I told him the true story, he'd be afraid of me.

I think the reason Caleb followed me is that I still have the USB drive with his book on it. I never read it more than just that one time. If I was going to show it to anybody, I would have shown it to Terry, but I didn't.

Really, I ought to just throw Caleb's book away. I went to the ocean once with it in my pocket, thinking I'd throw it in. But I didn't do it. If I had, Caleb would be all alone again.

I couldn't do that to him. He needs a friend.

So do I.

I saw a Hummer go by the other day. Same color as the Colonel's. I didn't catch a look at who was driving.

I was thinking I ought to get myself a gun.

Just in case.

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