Collection of Stories for Demented Children (7 page)

“I say, that went extremely well,” Stryk
said happily. “The evening was quite enjoyable.”

“Most fun ever!” Abel agreed. “I stole all
kinds of candy out of little children’s bags.” He laughed
evilly.

“It was one of the best Halloween nights
I’ve had in a long time,” Runyx agreed. “Let’s go spread more evil
now.”

The scarecrow and the raven went with the
unholy cow to make the world a more dangerous place to live in.

The End

###

This story is dedicated to my Dad. The memory
of him reading “The Night Before Christmas” to us kids every year
is one that I have always cherished deep within my heart.

***

Light from tall streetlamps illuminated the
snow that drifted lazily down to the cobblestones. “Wait here while
I scout ahead,” Araedae the Sugar Plum Fairy whispered back to her
two friends who had volunteered for the special mission with
her.

“Be careful. Some of the elves might still
be in the warehouses or walking along the streets,” Sydae warned
while holding tightly to one of Araedae’s arms. She fixed her
grey-blue eyes on Araedae’s silver ones. “I would just die if
anything happened to you.”

“She’ll be fine,” Zannae reassured their
friend. Her brilliant violet eyes sparkled in the light from the
nearby streetlamp. Every Sugar Plum Fairy in the world had
different color eyes with wings and hair to match. It wasn’t hard;
there weren’t many of the rare type of fairy. “No elf would
voluntarily be away from the sleigh loading ceremony.”

“True, they wouldn’t want to miss the spiked
eggnog,” Sydae said derisively, causing the others to giggle. She
shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. “Brr! It’s so cold up
here. Why do we have to wear these ridiculous outfits at the North
Pole?” Sydae stretched out a petite leg clad in candy-cane striped
silk while scornfully gesturing up and down at a white tutu
embroidered with poinsettias and candy canes. Silken gloves
extending above her elbows matched the stockings, but provided no
protection from the chill air. The whole effect was topped off with
green lace and bows.

“It really
is
inappropriate for the
children who have visions of us dancing while they sleep,” Zannae
agreed with an emphatic nod.

“The children just have visions of sugar
plums dancing, the sweet treats, not sugar plum fairies,” Araedae
corrected.

“Not the naughty children,” Zannae pointed
out.

“She has a point,” Sydae agreed with a
grin.

Araedae rolled her eyes. “I’m going to scout
ahead now. I’ll let you know if it’s clear.”

“Go on. Just be careful, the attack is about
to begin,” Sydae said.

Araedae gave them an encouraging smile and
headed into the street, stepping lightly in her thin slippers. She
stuck as closely to the building as possible without scraping her
beautiful gossamer wings against the cold brick. The only sound
heard over the gentle patter of snow was that of Christmas carol
laced revelry from the sleigh warehouse in the distance. The scent
of peppermint candy canes drifted under her nose. It was everywhere
at the North Pole and Araedae was pretty sure the elves used it as
cologne.

Flying would have been preferable, but snow
was unpleasant against her wings and it was harder to sneak while
flitting through the air. To make matters worse, the elves had
defenses against anything that could fly over the North Pole, even
fairies.

Calling it the North Pole wasn’t really
accurate any more. Santa had moved the base of operations a century
ago when explorers started making attempts to reach it. The
industrial age brought new techniques in toy-making that required
retooling the warehouses and extra space was needed to handle the
population explosion throughout the world. The result was that the
entire operation had been placed on a series of enormous ice floes
a few degrees away from the pole. Christmas Eve was the only time
the ice came together in order for the sleigh to be loaded.

Everyone knew that Christmas Eve was the
best time to attack. The elves would be busy getting everything
together. Santa’s only job was to drive the sleigh and deliver the
presents. Even the list checking had become automated with the use
of a supercomputer. It was checked three times now, although that
wasn’t broadcast so they wouldn’t have to change songs that
mentioned ‘twice’ in the lyrics.

Araedae made it to the next corner and waved
for the other two to follow once she saw it was clear. The private
residence of the Claus’s was just ahead. It was a large,
three-story gingerbread mansion surrounded by snow-covered
Christmas trees and candy canes.

“Do you think we’ll be able to get past the
security system?” Sydae asked as they came up behind Araedae.

Zannae answered the question before Araedae
could. “I already told you that I can break any code in the world.
Why won’t you believe me?”

Sydae sighed. “It’s just that the elves are
notorious for combining magic and science. I’m worried that it
won’t be as easy as you think.”

“I’m more concerned about the reindeer
guards. Those things are pretty vicious with their teeth,” Araedae
said with worry thick in her voice. The other two nodded in
agreement. “We have to
try
to get in so we can get to the
master computer. I
know
Zannae can hack into it. She’s the
best in the world.” Zannae beamed at the compliment.

“I still don’t understand how a Sugar Plum
Fairy got an advanced degree at MIT,” Sydae said with a shake of
her head. “We’re supposed to be frolicking in nature while helping
plum trees and sugar cane grow tall and healthy.”

Zannae stuck her tongue out. “Humans are
destroying nature. Someone has to figure out how to stop them so
the rest of you can frolic.”

“We are
not
getting into this
argument again,” Araedae chastised. “It looks clear. Let’s get
underneath one of the Christmas trees until the attack begins.”

The other two stuck their tongues out at
each other and then they all ran across the street as fast as their
little stockinged legs would carry them. When they reached the
tree, they dashed through a low spot in the circular drift
surrounding it.

“It’s so
cold
!” Sydae complained,
vigorously rubbing her arms and stomping her pretty green slippers
in the thin snow by the trunk. Her wings shivered along with the
rest of her body.

“Quit yelling. Just because I don’t see
anyone doesn’t mean we can’t be heard,” Araedae told her irritably.
“I don’t like it any more than you do. We’ll get inside just as
soon as we can.” She rubbed her own arms, trying to bring some
warmth to the numb skin.

“Shh, someone’s coming,” Zannae warned them,
pointing at the front door of the mansion. An elf and Mrs. Claus
came out and moved down the steps, speaking in angry tones. The
sugar plum fairies peeked out over the drift and listened in.

***

“What’s wrong with Santa?” Jarlen the elf
asked Mrs. Claus. He brushed falling snow off of his thick, green
jacket and adjusted his felt hat. “He’s been sick all week and it’s
Christmas Eve. He needs to get his butt in the sleigh and get those
presents out to all the little brats around the world.”

“Ever since elves unionized, you’ve become
unbearable,” Mrs. Claus said irritably. She crossed her arms and
glared at the pointy eared manager. Jarlen was responsible for
communication between the elves and the Clauses. He was a demanding
jerk and neither she nor her husband liked him. “You sit around all
the time, the quality of your work is terrible, you import most the
toys from overseas putting us so far in debt that China’s going to
own the North Pole before you know it, and you have more vacation
days than you do work days. Everything is just terribly wrong and
the spirit of Christmas is being lost.”

“Yeah, yeah. Elves are evil, short and they
have pointy ears. I get it already,” Jarlen said dismissively in a
high-pitched voice. ”The toys are ready. It’s time for Santa to do
his job.”

“Santa hasn’t missed a Christmas yet and
he’s not going to miss this one. Now get off my steps. I can take
care of him.”

“You’d better get him in that sleigh
fast
, or
you’ll
be delivering the toys this year!”
Jarlen threatened. He turned and stomped down the walkway, stopping
suddenly as the sound of an alarm pierced the air.

A sugar cube shot out of nowhere and thumped
him between the eyes; he fell over, unconscious, into the snow.

Mrs. Claus looked up with wide eyes and saw
sugar plum fairies flying low toward the sleigh hangar. There
looked to be nearly a hundred of them, which was shocking because
that was all there were in the entire world. One with bright yellow
wings and eyes twirled and shot another sugar cube from her wand at
the unconscious figure. It smacked him solidly on the side of the
temple, ensuring that the curly toed elf wouldn’t be waking up
anytime soon. “Ha ha!” she crowed in triumph before flitting off
with the rest.

The fairies were supposed to be helping tie
string on the presents before going to dance in ballets and
children’s dreams. The last part was something Mrs. Claus
disapproved of. The outfits worn by the fairies were far too skimpy
for children’s dreams.

Elves rushed out from the sleigh warehouse
to meet the unexpected threat. “Those poor fairies don’t stand a
chance,” Mrs. Claus said to no one in particular. She noticed they
were careful to stay below the rooftops so the air defenses
couldn’t get them. To her surprise, six fairies carrying a long
tube with wheels on it landed out in the open. One of them turned a
crank while others poured sugar-coated plums into a funnel on
top.

Sugared plums began splattering messily all
over the ground in front of the elves and into the crowd. Mrs.
Claus gasped as she realized what the fairies were doing. “Oh, how
brilliant,” she remarked quietly. She turned around and headed back
inside, smiling to herself.

Santa had never missed a Christmas Eve in
all the time he had been giving toys to children. He wouldn’t miss
this one either, but something was definitely wrong. It wasn’t the
first time people had attacked on Christmas Eve. Everyone knew it
was the best time. Mrs. Claus remembered a few decades earlier when
a group of drunken Scottish gentlemen invaded just to steal some
wooden duckies on wheels because they hadn’t gotten any as
children.

Mrs. Claus hurried up the stairs and into
the bedroom she shared with Mr. Claus. Piteous groans came from the
bathroom where he had been spending way too much of his time. “Are
you alright, dear?” she asked through the door.

“No, no, no,” he moaned from the other side.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” His normally jolly voice was filled with
misery.

“Alright, dear. I’ll be out here when you
need me.” Mrs. Claus sighed and looked around the room. She walked
to the cage wrapped by a pretty red bow and containing a miserable
black bunny that had been sent to them by the Easter Bunny. “What
in the world am I going to do with a bunny named Emo?” she asked
the unhappy creature, noticing that it had purple streaks in its
fur. “Go free little bunny.” Mrs. Claus said a few words of magic,
made specific gestures and cast a spell that sent the bunny back to
the forest from whence it came.

It was a well-kept secret that Mrs. Claus
was a witch, a good one though, not one of the green, warty
witches. Santa had met her in the forests of Germany where they
fell in love. Upon discovering how much he cared for children, she
had given him the enchantments for the reindeer and sleigh. In
addition to that, she introduced him to the elves, knowing they
loved building things and would be immensely helpful at making the
toys.

She didn’t like to use magic on her husband,
but with the way he was feeling, it seemed like it would be the
only choice. There had been a few times when she had given him
herbal remedies because he didn’t feel well. It was unusual that he
was having so many problems with his bowels all of a sudden.
Regrettably the sleigh didn’t have a restroom, and Santa tried to
avoid using the bathroom at the houses where he delivered toys. It
seemed rude to leave the gift of gas in a person’s bathroom.

She sat down on the luxurious red comforter
and took a sip of Santa’s hot chocolate from his nightstand. It
only took her an instant to realize that there was an odd taste to
it, one she recognized. “Prune juice! Someone spiked the hot
chocolate with prune juice!” Mrs. Claus exclaimed in amazement.
“Who would do such a thing?”

Santa appeared in the bathroom doorway. “I
thought it tasted funny. Is that why I have to keep using the
toilet?”

“Yes! I don’t know who would do that, but
not to worry. Give me just a few minutes and I’ll brew up a potion
that will immediately solve the problem,” Mrs. Claus assured him.
She stood and went to her spell room next to the bedchamber.

Santa’s stomach grumbled and he pointed over
his shoulder. “I’ll be in here. I’m just glad the elves installed
that fancy new toilet with the self-warming seat last year.”

***

The three sugar plum fairies under the tree
initially didn’t see Mrs. Claus go back inside because they were
too busy watching the beginning of the battle. Sugar plums were
splattering on the ground and the elves. Whenever an elf got plum
juice on his outfit, he would immediately stop and frantically try
to wipe it off.

Elves hated getting messy more than anything
else in the world. They wouldn’t even walk on the plum juice that
was splattered all over the ground by that point. Their workspaces
were always perfectly clean and whenever their clothes got even a
little bit of dirt on them, they would change. Sticky sugared plum
juice didn’t clean off easily though and it was everywhere. To make
matters worse, half of the elves were already drunk and staggering
into others.