Closed Doors (21 page)

‘Should I pop by to see the baby?’ Ma asks.

Granny shakes her head. ‘One step at a time,’ she says.

This makes Ma irritated at Granny, but she doesn’t say too much about it and puts on a sulky face instead.

‘Where are you going, Shirley?’ Ma says to Granny, who has her jacket on and is holding a grocery bag.

‘The shops, where do you think? We need bread and milk.’

From the window Ma watches Granny go down the hill to the shop and then grabs for her own coat.

‘Can I have a chocolate now?’ I ask.

‘Sure, Michael,’ she says.

She removes the wrapper and gently lifts the purple lid of the most beautiful box in the whole world. I take a nice toffee chocolate. They’re chewy and last longer.

‘I’m taking Frankie for a walk,’ says Ma.

‘I’ll come,’ I say.

‘No, you’re all right, Michael, stay and guard the chocolates.’

Ma is smiling.

‘How many can I have?’ I ask.

‘Three,’ says Ma.

‘Four,’ I say.

‘All right, four,’ says Ma and gives me a wink. It’s the best day ever. I’m eating my chocolates and having a great old time until Frankie appears at my legs wanting a chocolate too.

I look out the door for Ma and that is when I see her walking towards the McFadden house. Da is sleeping on the sofa and I wonder if I should wake him, but I don’t. If Mrs McFadden doesn’t want Ma anywhere near her then she’ll tell Ma straight and yell for her to get away from her front door, but if Mrs McFadden is OK with it then Ma can go inside her house and they can talk about the thing they both secretly want to talk about. The man in the park. The man in the Woody.

It is Mr McFadden who answers the door and he is shocked to death to see Ma. He is frowning and says something I can’t hear. Maybe Ma says something else but I don’t know because her back is to me. Then Mr McFadden disappears for a minute, but leaves Ma to linger on the doorstep. It is obvious Mr McFadden is going to ask Mrs McFadden if she will talk to the woman who ruined her life, but who also helped deliver baby Amanda. Mr McFadden comes back and shakes his head at Ma. Then he closes the door on her. Ma walks away, but then the door opens again and it is Mrs McFadden this time and she is yelling for Ma to come back. Ma rushes back up the hill and walks through the McFadden doorway. I see Dirty Alice at her window and she’s looking right at me. She gives me two fingers and then disappears behind the curtain. God, I hate her.

Ma stays at the McFadden house for a long time. I wonder if they have murdered her or something.

Granny comes back from the shops and asks where Ma is. I say nothing and shrug my shoulders. Da wakes up and asks what’s for dinner. Granny produces fish and chips. I am thrilled. It has to be the best dinner in the world.

Then Ma comes home. She is bright and cheery. It has been a good visit I think. She winks at me. I know her secret. It’s an OK secret to have though and I’m not too bothered, also I want the rest of the chocolates.

We have our suppers in the paper with a bottle of fizzy juice. Ma eats everything. Granny says something about her appetite coming back. Da looks thrilled.

‘I have a surprise,’ he says.

I hope it’s ice cream from the van.

‘What is it, Da?’

‘I have a job,’ he says.

Everyone is stunned and we don’t believe him for a minute.

‘Doing what?’ says Granny.

‘They’re rebuilding the pier,’ says Da. ‘Skinny Rab put in a good word for me. You’re talking to an employed man now.’

Ma gives Da a huge hug and almost knocks Da’s chips to the ground.

‘Fortune’s smiling on us now,’ says Granny.

‘It is, Ma,’ says Da.

Everyone is happy. Ma is speaking to Mrs McFadden, Da has a job and Mrs Maitland has broken her hip and can’t help in the chapel any more, making Granny the priest’s number-one girl. It is a good day for the Murrays.

‘What did you say to Mrs McFadden?’ I ask Ma when we are alone.

Ma puts her finger to her lips and says, ‘Shhhhhhh, Michael! Not a word to anyone.’

Ma disappears upstairs to Da and I wonder if Dirty Alice knows. She listens through doors like I do. I’m sure of it.

IT’S BEEN RAINING
hard and for days. When it stops I am dying to get out and play. Dirty Alice is in the Woody and sulking like a madwoman. She is as filthy as ever, her socks wet with mud and rain. She doesn’t even have a jacket on and it’s freezing out.

‘What’s the matter with you?’ I ask.

‘Never you mind, Michael
stupid
Murray.’ She throws the stick she’s holding into the grass.

‘You’re a right moaner, Alice, you know that?’ I say.

She doesn’t argue.

Next thing she’s crying all over the place. I wish someone else could see her and then we could laugh at her together, but it’s only me in the Woody. She doesn’t even care I’m standing there and won’t stop blubbering. I’ve heard her cry before but only after a fall or that time I threw a rock at her head. It was tiny, but she bawled like crazy. I think I should walk away and leave her to her tears, but she’s choking on them and her face is drenched in snot. I don’t even have a hanky. She doesn’t care anyway and wipes all the teary goo from her face with her elbow. She’s disgusting, that Alice.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ I ask.

‘My ma and da only care about baby Amanda.’

‘Is that all?’ I say. ‘Grow up and don’t be so immature.’

Immature, I think. It is a good word.

‘Luke’s the same. It’s all Amanda this and Amanda that. I’m not even allowed to hold her in case I drop her.’

‘Maybe you would. You’re always falling about the place,’ I say.

‘I would not,’ she cries.

I don’t know what to say to her now. Maybe she wouldn’t drop the baby, but what do I care?

‘I’m going home,’ I say.

‘To your mad ma,’ she says.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I say.

‘She’s trying to get my ma to go to the police and say some other man hurt her in the Woody,’ says Dirty Alice.

‘It
was
another man. My ma is right. Your ma made a big giant mistake saying it was Patrick Thompson and my da says she’s too scared to tell the truth because it would make her look stupid,’ I say.

‘My ma isn’t stupid,’ says Dirty Alice.

‘And neither is my ma,’ I say.

‘What will happen to the man your ma says hurt her?’ she asks.

‘He’s going to go to jail for a thousand years and so he should. I hate him.’

‘He won’t go anywhere without my ma.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I heard them talking.’

‘You were spying?’ I say, disgusted because it is different when Dirty Alice spies.

‘I wanted to know what your ma was doing in my house,’ says Dirty Alice.

‘What else did they say?’ I ask.

‘My ma cried,’ says Dirty Alice. ‘And so did your ma, so don’t be getting smart.’

‘What else?’ I say.

‘I don’t know. It was hard to hear,’ she says.

I didn’t even see Luke. He slapped me from behind and quite hard across the head. He’s lucky I didn’t slap him back but no one is to slap Luke. It’s how it is.

‘What did you do that for?’ I say, rubbing my scalp.

‘Louisa doesn’t want this dragged up again. She’s done with it. You understand?’ says Luke.

‘If the man who smokes and wears the chain doesn’t go to prison then all the women in the world are doomed for ever. Even Alice,’ I scream.

‘Don’t you say stuff like that, you little bugger,’ says Luke.

‘It wasn’t Patrick Thompson, Luke. It wasn’t,’ I say.

‘Come on, Alice,’ says Luke but he looks upset.

‘Will they let me hold Amanda?’ Alice asks.

‘Maybe,’ says Luke.

They walk off, leaving me in the Woody. It’s cold and wet and so I go home, but there is no one there. I think of the pervert with the orange hair not caring about what he has done to anyone and it makes me so angry I punch the door and make a dent in it. I will get a hiding for it for sure.

MR AND MRS
Mcfadden come to our house with baby Amanda. Mrs McFadden rests the thing in her arms. I take a look. She’s like E.T. I don’t think babies are cute or anything like it. They’re always wet and make stupid noises, but the grown-ups love the sight of them and everyone goes mad with excitement. Granny lifts the baby and rubs her nose. Ma tickles her tummy, but Mrs McFadden isn’t too happy about that. Mrs McFadden doesn’t look too happy about anything. Da just smiles at the baby and says, ‘She’s a wee smasher,’ but really he doesn’t care at all.

‘Men,’ says Ma and laughs but Mrs McFadden doesn’t laugh and that makes Ma go quiet again.

Mrs McFadden is offered a seat and sits down. She is offered tea but she says no. She looks like she wants to run out the door.

‘Louisa, shall we go into another room and talk by ourselves?’ Ma says.

Mrs McFadden looks at Mr McFadden, who nods at her. She hands him baby Amanda and follows Ma out the room.

Dirty Alice and I are sent to my room. Luke is allowed to stay with the grown-ups.

Dirty Alice has been in my room before, but it was tidy then. Now it is all messy and all my clothes are everywhere. My toys go from one end of the room to the other. Dirty Alice pulls a face.

‘Your room is a tip,’ she says.

‘I suppose your room is all tidy and neat,’ I say.

‘Tidier than this,’ she says.

Then Frankie comes in and sucks up to her. I wish he wouldn’t do that, but Frankie loves everyone. There’s no stopping him.

‘Are they letting you hold Amanda yet?’ I ask.

‘Yes, but I have to sit on the sofa and not move a muscle. It’s very hard, you know, because she has a very wobbly head. It’s like it could fall off or something.’

I laugh.

‘S’not funny,’ she says.

‘Do you want to play a game?’ I ask.

‘Like what?’ she asks.

‘Soldiers.’

‘All right.’

And so we play soldiers and it’s not a bad game at all. She is very good at soldiers and does all the noises. I still wish I was playing with one of the lads even if she does make the explosion sounds. I have Action Men, which she loves and asks to borrow for her stupid Sindy dolls. I give her the one with no legs.

‘What am I supposed to do with him?’ she asks.

‘I’ll put trousers on him and they can act like legs. He can’t stand up, but you want him for girl dolls anyway so who cares?’

‘I suppose so,’ she says and takes him off my hands. Now she has a husband for all her dolls. I feel bad for my Action Man.

‘Do you still have your boyfriend?’ I ask her.

‘No,’ she says and then she looks away from me because she’s embarrassed and so she should be. A boy has stopped liking her. It’s a great shame.

‘What do you care anyway?’ she whispers.

This makes me go red.

‘I don’t,’ I say.

Then Luke comes in, but he knocks first because that’s the kind of thing Luke does.

‘We’re going,’ he says to Alice.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ she says because Luke is looking sulky about something.

‘Ma won’t testify against the man who hurt her,’ says Luke.

I don’t know what to say.

‘But why?’ I ask.

‘They won’t believe her is why. She made a mistake before. They could say she’s an unreliable witness. It could make things worse,’ says Luke. ‘Come on, Alice.’

Dirty Alice grabs the broken Action Man and follows Luke out of the door.

‘Thanks, Michael,’ she says.

She smiles at me but I don’t smile at her because I don’t feel like smiling at her. It’s how she makes me feel.

I go to my window and watch the McFaddens go back to their house and when they’re inside and have locked all the doors Mr McFadden closes the curtains and I know it is a very sad day for their family. I wonder what Ma might have said to Mrs McFadden.

I go downstairs.

‘She’s a bloody coward,’ I hear Da say.

‘She’s not a coward. She’s afraid,’ says Ma.

‘And you’re not?’

‘She doesn’t owe me anything, Brian. She doesn’t owe this family a damn thing. Everything that’s been done to her is our fault and not being able to testify is our fault.’

Ma throws a teacup at the wall and it’s one of Granny’s favourites.

‘That’s enough of that,’ says Granny.

Ma grabs for the dog’s lead and storms out the door with Frankie biting at her ankles. Poor Frankie, he’s always being dragged this place and that place and always when someone is running away from something.

‘She’s right,’ says Da to Granny. ‘This is something she will have to do on her own.’

Granny gets a dustpan and brush for the broken china. ‘Well, isn’t she the hero,’ says Granny.

‘Shame on you, Ma,’ says Da and walks out the room, leaving me with Granny and her busy brush.

‘What are YOU staring at?’ snaps Granny. ‘Away to your room!’

‘I’ve been in my room all day,’ I tell her.

‘Then away outside and play,’ she says. And so I do some storming of my own and make sure to slam the door behind me.

It’s cold outside but I don’t care. I go straight to the Woody and when I get there I find Fat Ralph and Paul looking at nudey magazines by the tree.

‘Who wants to play footie?’ I say.

‘We’re looking at fanny,’ says Paul.

‘Come on,’ I beg.

‘All right,’ says Fat Ralph.

‘You don’t want to look at tits any more?’ says Paul.

‘It’s boring now,’ says Fat Ralph. ‘I want to play football.’

Paul hides the magazines inside the tree and that’s when Ma pushes through the bushes with Frankie.

‘What are you all up to?’ says Ma, knowing fine well what we’ve been up to except I wasn’t up to it.

‘Nothing,’ we say together.

‘Then what’s that you’ve got?’ Ma asks.

Ma goes straight to the hiding place and finds the magazines. Paul goes red and Fat Ralph runs off, giving the whole game away.

‘What the hell is this?’ Ma asks, waving the magazines in the air.

Paul and I say nothing. We want to run away like Fat Ralph did, but we can’t. Then Ma lets go of the lead and rolls up one of the magazines and starts belting Paul with it before making a run for me.