Closed Doors (15 page)

Lies make people happy, I think, and that’s why people tell them, not to hurt or anger anyone, but to keep them safe from the truth, except our lie, the lie Ma and Da and Granny are telling to themselves and everyone else around them, it is the worst of lies and it is making no one happy and when lies don’t make you happy you have to wonder what will happen next.

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY
and I am twelve. I was born four days after New Year’s Eve and during the Christmas holidays. It’s a shite time to have a birthday because no one has any money left from all the Christmas presents they bought you, but it’s better than having Paul’s birthday, he was born on Christmas Eve and gets even less than I do. We are always complaining of it.

Da asks if I would like to have a few friends round for my birthday, but I say no. I hate my house right now. Da smells of beer and Ma is always cleaning things. She is driving Granny mad with it.

Ma starts her studies again in a few weeks and Granny is relieved Ma will have something to do other than windows Granny has already cleaned and rooms that never needed decorating in the first place. Ma has papered Granny’s room and her own. She also papered the hallway a weird brown colour. I wouldn’t let her touch my room and I made the biggest fuss a boy could make over it. She is like a train right now but a train that stays indoors. She is terrified of bumping into Miss Connor. We are all glad she is starting her studies again. She is a pest in the house.

‘It will certainly occupy her. I can’t stand all this running around she’s doing,’ moans Granny.

If Ma does well she can go to Jordan Hill and be the teacher she always dreamed she would be. Da thinks this is great, but he says this about everything Ma wants. It’s annoying, but she likes it, it soothes her.

‘I’ll make a nice cake for your birthday,’ says Granny.

‘I don’t want people here for a party.’

‘Then what do you want for your birthday?’ asks Ma.

I shrug my shoulders because I really don’t know.

‘How about a portable television for your room?’ says Da and gives me a wink.

I jump for joy. There is nothing I would like more.

‘A television!’ nips Ma. ‘Are you mad?’

‘He’s old enough and what with you hogging ours all the time for your learning he could do with his own TV,’ says Da.

‘He’ll be up all night,’ says Ma.

‘I won’t. I promise,’ I say.

‘Now look what you’ve done,’ says Ma. ‘How can I say no now when you’ve already said that he can!’

‘What’s the big bloody deal?’ says Da. ‘It’s a television not a fucking atomic bomb.’

Granny slams the iron down onto the board.

‘That’s enough, the two of you. Rosemary, let the lad have his TV for God’s sake, and Brian, you should have discussed this with your wife first. That wasn’t fair of you.’

The room is silenced. Ma grabs for Frankie’s lead and I am getting a TV.

I run out the back door to tell the lads but there’s no one there except Alice and so I run back inside and hide till she’s gone. She takes a long time to leave. I don’t know where she went, probably to stupid Marianne’s house.

I go to the Woody to see if the lads are there but there’s no one except Ma. I don’t know what she’s doing but she’s standing where Miss Connor was found. She doesn’t see me but Frankie does and I think he’s going to give me away with his tail wagging about the place, but Ma doesn’t even look up. She is stuck in space. Staring at the grass. Frozen like a statue. I sneak from the Woody; seems I’m hiding from everyone these days. I go home.

‘What are you doing here?’ says Granny.

‘Nothing,’ I say.

‘Nothing?’ says Granny and then pulls a face, as if she doesn’t believe me. Grown-ups hate it when you say ‘nothing’. They really have a problem with it. I use it all the time and for everything I have no answer to, but they make this big thing out of it as if you’re hiding the Crown jewels in your school bag.

When Ma gets back she goes over to Da and gives him a hug and the whole house stills.

‘A TV is fine,’ Ma whispers and so Da and Ma go buy me a TV.

The TV is white and a good size. It is also a colour TV so it must have cost Da an arm and a leg. Granny gives me money for my birthday. A whole five pounds. They tell me to save it. I feel like a millionaire. I will buy a hundred things with it.

I am so excited I decide to go to Paul’s house and see if he wants to come out, but mostly so I can tell him about my television. Paul is made up for me and comes up with the great idea of using Fat Ralph’s video recorder to watch some of Knobby Doyle’s pirate videotapes and so that is what I decide to do on my birthday, watch
Raiders of the Lost Ark
in my room with my pals. Fat Ralph thinks this is a brilliant idea. I tell my da and he agrees to get the pirate tape.

Granny doesn’t have time to make a cake. She buys one from the baker’s. It is an amazing cake, green with white icing and my name written across the top. I know I am about to have a great birthday, but then I see Alice sitting on the step outside her house playing with stones and I feel bad for her, but I also don’t want her near me, but I can’t leave her sitting on her own while I eat cake and so I ask her in. Paul and Fat Ralph think I am mad. Alice quickly asks her da. She doesn’t want to play stones on her own. Her da says yes and Alice comes into my house. It’s a big thing her da says yes and Da gives him the thumbs up.

‘I’ll watch them, don’t worry,’ Da says.

Mr McFadden gives Da the thumbs up.

Everything is OK and everyone is happy on my birthday.

We all go to my room and I am pleased to see Ma has tidied it for my friends. Da sets the TV and video recorder up for us to watch the movie and Granny brings the food: paste sandwiches, jelly and ice cream and the beautiful green cake.

The movie is the best movie in the world but Alice hides behind cushions in parts because it is also a scary movie. This is what all girls do. It is what Ma does, she hides behind her hands but still watches through her fingers, which is stupid because it just means she’s watching a film with her fingers in the way. To be honest there are bits of the film where I want to hide behind a cushion, but I don’t. I am the toughest lad on the scheme and it would be terrible of me to grab at my pillow and hide like a girl and so I squeeze my eyes at the frightening bits so they are a little bit hidden. Fat Ralph doesn’t care and grabs at the skirt of my bed, but it’s OK for Fat Ralph to be scared because he’s Fat Ralph. Paul on the other hand is scared of nothing and laughs at the scary bits and then watches everyone else to make sure they are as brave as he is.

When the film is finished we have cake and lemonade, then Paul gives me a pack of football cards, which was very nice of him, and Fat Ralph gives me his Celtic pencil. They’re not real birthday presents, everyone was invited at the last minute, but they’re nice all the same. Alice is shy because she didn’t have anything for me, but since her da got me a leather football for kissing her I let her off.

The cake is nearly finished when Paul spills lemonade all over the floor. I think my ma might kill me and so I go to the landing and into the airing cupboard where we keep the towels and the blankets for guests even though we never have guests. I have to dig hard for towels because they are stuck right at the back and that is when I find a plastic bag. I pull it out, thinking maybe it is a surprise gift for me, but it isn’t. It is a bag of dirty clothes: a dirty jacket, and a ripped shirt with what I think might be blood. There is also a filthy skirt and it is dry with mud. It doesn’t take me long. I know exactly what I am holding in my hands. It is what my ma was wearing the night she was attacked. I don’t know what it is doing hidden in the airing cupboard. I don’t know why she kept such horrible things. Why they are still dirty and why they are not in the bin with the eggshells and banana peels. It makes me feel sick. I am holding rape.

‘What’s taking you so long?’ says Alice from behind me.

She sees the bag.

‘What’s that?’ she says.

‘Laundry,’ I say and I shove it back where I found it.

‘Looks dirty,’ she says.

‘It’s Da’s. He wears it in the garden,’ I say.

She turns on her heels and goes back to her cake and lemonade. I go back to my party.

‘Where’s the towel?’ says Paul.

I forgot and go back to the airing cupboard. I can still see the white of the bag and push it as hard as I can out of view. I grab for a towel and go back to Paul and his clumsy drink.

I want the party to be over now and when Alice’s da comes to the door to collect her I am relieved. It is already dark outside and everyone leaves my bedroom with their dirty dishes lying all over the floor and across my bed. Ma nips in later and picks up plates and glasses. I go to help her but I can’t keep myself from staring at her. That’s when Da appears and says, ‘The birthday boy is free of all chores for today. I’ll help you, Rosemary.’

I see her smile at Da. She is in a good mood with him today and I wonder if Da knows about the clothes in the airing cupboard. Ma is mad, I think. I wonder if anyone else in the house thinks the same.

‘You’ve lost a lot of weight, Rosemary,’ says Granny at dinner.

‘Don’t have much of an appetite, Shirley,’ says Ma.

‘And for a long time now,’ says Granny.

‘I wouldn’t worry about it. You know what they say. You can never be too rich or too thin.’

Granny looks at Ma for a sharp second and then to her own plate and I think Granny thinks the same as I do. Ma is not as well as everyone likes to think.

I don’t know what to do with the clothes in the airing cupboard and wonder if I should tell my da. I don’t want to keep any more secrets and so I bother him watching TV. He doesn’t like that one little bit, but what else can I do?

‘What do you want?’ he asks.

I don’t want Ma to know what I have found and I definitely don’t want Granny to know. She’s already worried about Ma’s weight. I speak in whispers, but Da’s a bit deaf sometimes and screws his face up and gets on my nerves.

‘Would you come to the landing so I can show you something?’ I tell him.

‘What is it you want to show me?’ asks Da, who is kind of ignoring me as if I’m not very important and have nothing to say really.

‘Come on, Da, Ma might come.’ I tug on his sleeve.

‘For the love of God, Michael, I just want to watch TV in peace. Away upstairs and play with your Action Men or something,’ nips Da.

‘Please, Da,’ I beg. ‘Before Ma comes,’ I say.

Da looks at my face and knows there is something serious going on with me and even though he sighs and complains he follows me up the stairs anyway.

When I show Da what Ma’s been hiding he goes as white as a ghost.

‘Why is she keeping these things, Da? Should we put them in the bin?’ I say.

Da looks very serious at me. ‘No,’ he says and pushes the bag to the back of the cupboard. ‘Your ma knows why she’s keeping them. We don’t have to,’ says Da. ‘Pretend you never saw them, son,’ he tells me.

And that’s what I do. I’ve told my da and I’ve shared a secret. It feels good. I wish I could share all my secrets, but I can’t. I have to keep all the stories and all the words locked inside my head but I wonder for how long.

MISS CONNOR IS
having a baby and Mr McFadden is delighted. He told my da first because he fancies they are great friends even though he gave me a beating at Christmas time. Granny crosses herself at the mere mention of Miss Connor’s baby.

‘She’s almost four months now. They thought she might lose it after what happened but it’s a strong wee thing and wants to be here. It’s a miracle for them. You believe in miracles, Rosemary? On getting on with things?’ says Da and with a right nasty tone on him. He is drunk.

I think Ma will cry at this, but she grabs for the dog’s lead and practically runs out the front door while Da reaches for the bottle next to the sugar, but Granny takes it away from him and I can hear her shouting.

‘It’s little wonder you sleep on a sofa with the smell of drink on you. Look at the state of you. I wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick.’

‘What difference does it make? Rosemary isn’t interested in me. Haven’t you heard all of this is my fault?’ says Da.

‘You want your wife to take an interest in you then take an interest in yourself,’ says Granny.

Granny isn’t one for leaving rooms with a slammed door behind her. She likes to make people feel uncomfortable and so she heads to the stove to cook something we’ll have to eat later.

Ma gets back in time for tea and she is smiling. Walking Frankie always brings out the best in her. Da has had a bath and is wearing a nice jersey. He looks good but he still has a big belly.

‘The wedding’s been moved forward to the weekend before Valentine’s Day. What do you think of that?’ says Da.

‘Romantic,’ says Ma.

‘The sooner the better. Living over the brush and with a baby on the way. It’s a disgrace,’ says Granny.

‘She’s converting, you know,’ says Da.

‘She is?’ Granny is all impressed.

‘She is,’ says Da. ‘Wants to be a Catholic and marry in the church.’

‘Then God will be kind on her and we’ll say no more about it,’ says Granny.

Ma is quiet all through dinner. Da too. He drinks milk like me. No beer.

Granny tries to break the silence by talking to Frankie and giving him some gristle. Da pets him and so does Ma. He sits between them.

‘Away you go, you daft dog,’ giggles Ma.

‘He’s daft all right.’

‘Can I go upstairs to my room and watch a bit of TV, Ma?’ I ask.

‘Did you finish your vegetables?’ Da asks.

I nod.

‘OK, but not too much or your eyes will go square,’ says Granny.

I go upstairs and turn on my television but there is nothing on and so I open my window and see if there’s anything to watch. That’s when I see Ma and Da admiring Da’s efforts in the garden. Ma complains of being cold and Da puts his arm around her. His arm is like a stone arc and he barely touches her shoulder. When she brings his arm in closer I feel funny. I don’t know what I’m looking at. Granny puts the radio on and brings out a couple of mugs of tea into the garden for them before leaving Ma and Da alone to admire the snowdrops. It’s so dark and so cold outside I wonder how long Ma and Da will last, but the tea is doing its job and is keeping their hands warm. Da says something funny and Ma laughs. They are completely alone and I feel bad for spying on them but I can’t help it. They are my ma and my da. They belong to me. I want them to dance in the moonlight or something but I know that won’t happen. It makes me want to cry. They will stand around with mugs of tea and care about white and yellow flowers when I want my da to take my ma in his arms and waltz her around the garden, but it’s not how they love. I wonder if they have ever danced.