Claudius the God (58 page)

THEN Xenophon came in and forced a drink between my lips, because I was on the point of collapse, and took me in hand generally. I don’t know exactly what decoction he gave me, but it had the effect of making me feel very clear-headed and self-possessed and utterly impersonal about everything. My feet seemed to be treading on clouds like a god. It also affected the focus of my eyes, so that I saw Narcissus and Calpurnia and Pallas as if they were standing twenty paces away instead of quite close.

‘Send for Turranius and Lusius Geta.’ Turranius was my Superintendent of Stores now that Callon was dead, and Geta, as I have told you, was the joint Commander of the Guards with Crispinus.

I cross-examined them, after first assuring them that I would not punish them if they spoke the truth. They confirmed all that Narcissus and Calpurnia and Cleopatra had told me, and told me a lot more. When I asked Geta to explain frankly why he had failed to, report all this to me before,, he said: ‘May I quote a proverb, Caesar, that is often on your own lips: The knee is nearer than the shin? What happened to Justus, my predecessor, when he tried to let you know what was happening in your wife’s wing of the Palace?’

Turranius replied to the same question by reminding me that when recently he had summoned the courage to come to me with a complaint of the seizure of public stores at Messalina’s orders - basalt blocks imported from Egypt for the repaving of the Ox Market for use, it turned out, in a new colonnade that she was building in the Gardens of Lucullus, I had grown angry and told him never again to question any act or order of hers, saying that nothing that she did was done except at my particular instance or at least with my full sanction. I had told him that if he ever again had any complaint to make against the Lady Messalina’s behaviour he was to make it to the Lady Messalina herself. Turranius was right. I had actually said that.

Calpurnia, who had been fidgeting impatiently in the background while I was questioning Geta and Turranius, now caught my eye pleadingly. I understood that she wanted a word with me alone. I cleared the room at once and then she said gently and earnestly: ‘My dear, you won’t get anywhere by asking the same question over and over again from different people. It’s quite plain: they were all afraid to tell you, partly because they knew how much you loved and trusted Messalina, but mostly because you were Emperor. You have been very foolish and very unlucky and now you must do something to retrieve the position. If you don’t act at once you will be sentencing us all to death. Every minute counts. You must go at once to the Guards Camp and get the protection of all the loyal troops there. I can’t believe that they’ll desert you for Messalina’s and Silius’s sake. There may be one or two colonels or captains who have been bought over, but the rank and file are devoted to you. Send mounted messengers to Rome at once to announce that you are on your way to take vengeance on Silius and your wife. Send warrants for the arrest of everyone present at the wedding. That will probably be enough to smother the revolt. They’ll all be too drunk to do anything dangerous. But hurry!’

‘Oh, yes,’ I said. ‘I’ll hurry!’

I called in Narcissus again. ‘Do you trust Geta?’

‘To be honest, Caesar, I don’t altogether trust him.’

‘And the two captains he has with him here?’

‘I trust them, but they’re stupid.’

‘Crispinus is away on leave at Baiae, so whom shall we put in command of the Guards, if we can’t trust Geta?’

‘If Calpurnia was a man, I’d say, Calpurnia. But since she’s not, the next best choice is myself.- I’m a mere freedman, I know, but the Guards officers know me and like me, and it would only be for a single day.’

‘Very well, General-of-the-Day Narcissus. Tell Geta that he’s confined to bed by doctor’s orders until tomorrow. Give me pen and parchment. Wait a moment. What’s the date? September the fifth? Here’s your commission, then. Show it to the captains and send them on to Rome at once with their men to arrest the whole wedding party. No violence, though, except in self-defence; tell them. Let the Guards know that I’m coming and that I expect them to remain loyal to me, and that their loyalty won’t pass unrewarded.’

It is about eighteen miles from Ostia to Rome, but the soldiers covered the distance in an hour and a half, using fast gigs. As it happened, the wedding was just breaking up when they arrived. The cause was a knight called Vettius Valens, who had been one of Messalina’s lovers before Silius came on the scene, and was still in her favour. The party had come to the stage that parties reach when the first excitement of drink has worn off and everyone begins to feel a little tired and at a loss. Interest now centred on Vettius Valens: he was hugging a fine evergreen oak-tree which grew outside the house, and talking to an imaginary Dryad inside it. The Dryad had apparently fallen in love with him and was-inviting him in a whisper, audible only to himself, to a rendezvous at the top of the tree. He finally consented to join her there and made his friends form a human pyramid to enable him to climb up to the first big bough. The pyramid collapsed twice amid shrieks of laughter, but Vettius persevered and at the third try got astride of the bough. From there slowly and dangerously he climbed higher and higher until he disappeared into the thick foliage at the summit. Everyone stood gazing up to watch what would happen next. Expectation. ran high, because Vettius was a famous comedian. Soon he began imitating the Dryad’s affectionate cries and making loud smacking kiss-noises and uttering little squeals of excitement. Then Vettius kept very quiet, until, the crowd began calling, up to him: ‘Vettius, Vettius, what are you doing?’

‘I’m just viewing the world. This is the best look-out anywhere in Rome. The Dryad’s sitting on my lap and pointing out places of interest; so don’t interrupt. Yes, that’s the Senate House. Silly girl, I knew that! And that’s Colchester! But surely: you’re mistaken? You can’t see as far as Colchester from this tree, can you? You must mean the Guards Camp. No, it is Colchester, by God. I can see the name written up on a notice board and blue-faced Britons walking about. What’s that? What are they doing? No, I don’t believe it. What, worshipping Claudius as a God?’ And then in an imitation of my voice: ‘Why, though, I want to know why? Nobody else to worship? Have the other Gods refused to cross the Channel? I don’t blame them. I was dreadfully seasick myself, crossing the Channel.’

Vettius’s audience was entranced. When he was silent again they called out: ‘Vettius, Vettius! What are you doing now?’

He answered, imitating my voice again: ‘In the first place, if I don’t want to answer, I won’t answer. You can’t make me. I’m a free man, aren’t I? In fact one of the freest men in Rome.’

‘Oh, do tell us, Vettius.’

‘Look there! Look there! A thousand Furies and Serpents! Let me go, Dryad, let me go at once. No, no, another time. Can’t wait for that sort of thing now. Must get down. Hands off, Dryad!’

‘What’s happening, Vettius?’

‘Run for your lives. I’ve just seen a fearful sight. No, stop!’ Trogus, Proculus, help me down first! But everyone else run for your lives!’

‘What? What?

‘A terrific storm coming up from Ostia! Run fog your lives!’

And the crowd actually did scatter. Laughing and screaming and headed by the bride and bridegroom they rushed out of the garden into the street a few seconds before my soldiers came galloping up. Messalina got safely away, and so did Silius, but the soldiers had no difficulty in arresting about 200 of the guests, and later picked up about fifty more who were stumbling drunkenly home. Messalina was accompanied by only three companions. There had been twenty or more with her at first, but as soon as the alarm was raised that the Guards were coming they deserted her. She went on foot through the City until she came to the Gardens of Lucullus, by which time she had sobered somewhat. She decided that she must go to Ostia at once and try the effect of her beauty on me again - it had never hitherto failed to cheat me - and bring the children with her too as a reinforcement. She was still barefooted and wearing her vintage costume, which had earned her hisses and jeers as she hurried through the streets. She sent a maid to the Palace to fetch her the children, sandals, some jewellery, and a clean gown. The quality of the love between her and Silius was shown by their immediate desertion of each other at the first sign of danger. Messalina prepared to sacrifice him to my rage, and Silius went to the Market Place to resume his judicial work there as if nothing had happened. He was drunk enough to think that he could pretend complete innocence, and when the captains came to arrest him he told them that he was busy, and what did they want? Their answer was to handcuff him and lead him off to the Camp.

Meanwhile I had been joined by Vitellius and Caecina (my colleague in my second Consulship) who had accompanied me down to Ostia and after the sacrifice had gone off to visit friends on the other side of the town. I told them briefly what had happened and said that I was returning to Rome immediately: I expected them to support me and witness the impartiality with which I would visit judgement on the guilty of whatever rank or station. The Olympian effect of the drug continued. I talked calmly, fluently, and, I think, sensibly. Vitellius and Caecina made no reply at first, expressing astonishment and concern only in their looks. When I asked them what they thought about the whole business, Vitellius would still only utter exclamations of astonishment and horror such as, ‘They really told you that! Oh, how horrible! What vile treason!’ and Caecina followed his example. The carriage of state was announced and Narcissus, whom I had directed to write out a charge-sheet against Messalina, and who had been busy questioning the staff so as to make the list of her adulteries as full as possible, then showed himself a brave man and a faithful servant. ‘Caesar, please inform your noble friends who I am for today and give me a seat in this carriage with you. Until my Lords Vitellius and Caecina come out with an honest opinion, and refrain from making remarks that can be construed either as a condemnation of your wife or as condemnation of her accusers,’ it is my duty as your Guards Commander to, remain by your side:’

I am glad that he came with me. As we drove towards the Cite I began telling Vitellius about Messalina’s pretty ways and how much I had loved her and how vilely she had deceived me. He sighed deeply and said: ‘A man would have to be stone, not to be melted by beauty like hers.’ I spoke about the children, too, and Caecina and Vitellius sighed in unison: ‘The poor, dear children! They must not be allowed to suffer.’ But the nearest that either of them came to expressing a real opinion was when Vitellius exclaimed: ‘It is almost impossible for anyone who has felt for Messalina the admiration and tenderness that I have felt, to believe these filthy accusations, though a thousand trustworthy witnesses were to swear that they were true.’ And when Caecina agreed, ‘Oh, what an evil and sorrowful world we live in!’ An embarrassment, was in store for them. Two vehicles were seen approaching through the dusk. One was another carriage, drawn by white horses, and in it sat Vibidia, the oldest and most honoured of the Vestal Virgins: eighty-five years old and one of my dearest friends. Behind this carriage followed a cart with a big yellow L painted on it, one of the carts belonging to the Gardens of Lucullus and used for carrying soil and rubbish. In it were Messalina and the children. Narcissus took in the situation at a glance: he had better eyes than I have and stopped the carriage. ‘Here’s the Vestal Vibidia come to meet you, Caesar,’ he said. ‘No doubt she’ll ask you to forgive Messalina. Vibidia is a dear old soul, and I think the world of her, but for God’s sake don’t make her any rash promises. Remember how monstrously you’ve been treated and remember that Messalina and Silius are traitors to Rome. Be polite to Vibidia, by all means, but don’t give away anything at all. Here’s the charge-sheet. Look at it now, read the names.’ Look at the eleventh charge - Mnester. Are you going to forgive that? And Caesoninus, what about Caesoninus? What can you think of a woman who can play about with a creature like that?’

I took the parchment from him and as he stepped out of the carriage he whispered something in Vitellius’s ear. I don’t know what it was, but it decided Vitellius to keep his mouth shut in Narcissus’s absence. While I was reading the charges by the light of a lantern Narcissus ran along the road and met Vibidia and Messalina, who had also dismounted, coming towards him. Messalina was comparatively sober now: she called out gently to me from the distance: ‘Hullo, Claudius! I’ve been such a silly girl! You’d never believe it of me!’ For once my deafness was of service to me. I didn’t recognize her voice or hear a word. Narcissus greeted Vibidia courteously, but refused to let Messalina come any farther. Messalina cursed and spat in his face and tried to dodge past, but he ordered the two sergeants whom we had with us to escort her to her cart and see that it drove back to the City. Messalina screamed as if she were being murdered or outraged, and I looked up from the parchment to ask what was the matter. Vitellius said: ‘A woman in the crowd. Overcome by labour-pains, by the sound of it.’

Then Vibidia came: slowly up to our carriage and Narcissus panted back after her. Narcissus did all the talking for me. He told Vibidia that Messalina’s notorious and unexampled whoredoms and treacheries made it ludicrous for a pious and aged Vestal to come and plead with me for her life. ‘You Vestals surely don’t approve of having the Palace turned into a brothel again, as in Caligula’s days, do you? You don’t approve of ballet-dancers and swordfighters performing between the sheets of the High Pontiff’s bed, do you, with the active co-operation of the High Pontiff’s wife?’

That gave Vibidia a shock: Messalina had only confessed to an ‘indiscreet familiarity’ with Silius. She said: ‘I know nothing about that, but at least I must urge the High Pontiff to do nothing rashly, to shed no innocent blood, to condemn nobody unheard, to consider the honour of his house and his duty to the Gods.’

I broke in: ‘Vibidia, Vibidia, my dear friend, I shall deal justly with Messalina, you can count on that.’